Hi everyone.
Thought I'd pop in and say Hi and give up an update.
If you count the days since I hit the wall and started recovery, it's day 256. But since I had to take pain meds the whole month of December during my hip replacement surgery, it's day 54.
I'm not real sure how I feel. Life, of course, is much more intense without being numb. But I'm like a snake shedding its skin. I still haven't developed a new non-using personality yet and I'm not quite sure who I am. I know I get a lot more pleasure being around people now. My granddaughters are fascinating kids if you just sit and watch and listen to them.
My addiction and the my life-long habit of lying, cheating, and general disrespect for anyone, my who-gives-a-s*** attitude, wrecked my relationship with my wife, and the jury is still out on whether or not we'll ever be able to put it back together.
If Vera asks me a question, I'm completely honest in my answers. Sometimes that's painful, but the honesty is there and we both see that that's what is required if we're going to stay together.
I've been able to express my feelings and emotions more openly lately. I still keep a stone face, and Vera never knows what I'm feeling when she looks at me, but I can at least talk about them, which is a distinct improvement.
I really want to save this marriage and stay with her. We've both agreed not to make any decisions until a year has gone by, and that year will be up on June 13th. I only have 4 months left to become someone she would want to spend the rest of her life with.
About the drugs: I did not suffer bad withdrawals when I quit the pain meds after my hip replacement. I was a little uncomfortable for a couple of days, but I think that was more getting used to the pain being there without having a cotton blanket over it than anything else. I haven't taken any since January 1, so this is day 54 from that.
I very seldom have a craving, and it usually goes away within minutes. I just have to tell myself to hold on, it will go away, and sure enough it does.
But constant vigilance is required. Without 24/7 conscious effort, I could slip back into my old habits like I'd put on an old coat. That vigilance is such an ingrained part of my life now... I've come to enjoy keeping my guard up against ever using again. Each day is a new victory.
That phrase "one day at a time" is SOOO true. That's the only way to do it. And the Serenity Prayer is absolutely the most heart-felt and honest prayer someone who is trying to put their life back together can pray. When you pray that, pray it from deep in your heart, and you will see results.
So, in summary, I'm still walking through the wreckage of my life but I'm doing it with my head up and a good attitude now. It's much worse than a train wreck. It's kind of like a big jet liner fell on a train... if you get the picture.
I look back and I'm simply and utterly shocked at what I did, what I risked, what could have happened, and what did happen. I lost my marriage, I lost my job, I lost myself and my self respect, I could have gone to jail and lost my house, etc.
So you guys hang in there.
Love to all,
James.
James Thank you for sharing. It is amazing how similar our stories are and I mean everyone. It does get better and I agree on the serenity prayer. A heart felt serentiy prayer does work miracles daily. Congratulations friend.
James it is truly beautiful to read your post , boy it sure does blow my mind too to think of the things I usedto do to get my Doc and I have a lot of wreckage too but we can get thru this ODAT and sober . CONGRATS I think you are doing wonderful , if your wife sees anything like we are seeing I think she will also try to salvage your marriage , best of luck to you brother it is reallt nice to hear such a positive post !!!!You are doing all the right things keep it up !!!! Cris
James:
I loved reading your post. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
Rachel
One of the most difficult things during recovery is hearing about what you did when you were wasted. These are things people are willing to tell you now because you are (painfully) willing to listen.
I have a birthday coming up (59) and I'll actually remember it. My wife told me last birthday I could hardly sit in the chair I was so high, and of course my whole family was around, and I pictured that scene in my mind and it made me so sick I almost had to throw up.
So I think the first thing I'll do this birthday, when the whole family gathers around, is apologize for who I was and how I acted on all my previous birthdays. Kind of give something back to them, maybe.
James.
I have a birthday coming up (59) and I'll actually remember it. My wife told me last birthday I could hardly sit in the chair I was so high, and of course my whole family was around, and I pictured that scene in my mind and it made me so sick I almost had to throw up.
So I think the first thing I'll do this birthday, when the whole family gathers around, is apologize for who I was and how I acted on all my previous birthdays. Kind of give something back to them, maybe.
James.
James, I'm so glad you popped in, I was thinking about you and Vera yesterday...the bad news is...because of the April/Melody controversy...lol
Sooo, sooo happy you updated us...
Sooo, sooo happy you updated us...
OK Bumps, what's up? What do Vera and I have to do with April & Melody?