I guess yesterday was my big freak out day. I have been working up the nerve to quit for a few weeks, but I just seemed to be eating even more pills to quiet the debate. Basically, I have been using for a year, heavily for six months. The taper was making me feel like s*** anyway, so after a day that I couldn't even stay at work, I went to my doc and decided to go CT. Yesterday I ate three 10mg pills to stop the WD, which continued anyway. I felt like hell all day but I am not taking anymore pills.
This site has been helpful, but I must admit that I felt nobody was that into responding to me, but I guess I was just posting general thoughts as I sorted this out. I woke up and found so much support today, so thank you!
It does help to write down what I am going through. It is easy to internalize everything, which seems to be when the mind games start. In August, I went one day without pills and completely lost it. I HAD to get more by any means. I feel like I am in a fight. I keep reminding myself that I have always been the type of person who would rather take a butt-kicking than back down from a fight. This is a trait that will help me in this battle.
Now I know this will rub some of you the wrong way, but meetings are not for me. That being said, I will attend some this week just to make sure that I am certain. I picked up "Thed Small Book" to research a behavioral approach. There is much to my thought here and please trust that I have done my research and have been to meetings before due to my addiction to alcohol.
I KNOW NA/AA are fantastic for dear friends of mine so I am NOT slighting that method. I hope people here understand my choice.
I went with my hippie buddy to stock up on herbs and teas. I bought immodium. I pulled out my Eastern Philosophy books. Also, I have a jaccuzzi tub at home. Luckily, I have a couple of days off from work. I burned my days off on this, but what else is worth it?
So now I feel like I am entering the ring for a Title Match. I feel good about winning this brawl, but I also feel physically terrible. My one-year-old boy is home with me today and he is the best corner-man I could choose because he makes me laugh.
I am going to keep reminding myself that you all made it through these days. I am going to post because it helps get things out of my head.
To the person who questioned what I meant about "stopping before I got to the edge:" I meant that I am not been arrested, have not lost my family, have not lost my job, and have not died. I feel lucky to have caught this now.
Thank you all for making my morning better and helping me get ready for today's round!
Jer
Good morning Jer. Wow...a jacuzzi??!! That ought to definately help make you feel better. I know that a lot of people going through wd spend most of their time in the tub.
So you are going CT?? Do you still have any pills??? If this is the way you are going to go you need to grab them and flush...that way you will not have them staring you in the face daring you to take "just one"
Some others will post soon...hang in there honey...it's definately worth doing!
So you are going CT?? Do you still have any pills??? If this is the way you are going to go you need to grab them and flush...that way you will not have them staring you in the face daring you to take "just one"
Some others will post soon...hang in there honey...it's definately worth doing!
hey jer, this is wonderful to wake up too. You will make it just like thousands have before you. One hour at a time. One minute if you must. Lots of good people on this board, listen to them.
What did the doctor say? Wasn't as bad as you thought huh? I hope to read he/she is willing to help you through this journey.
No one is going to judge you for your method of recovery, we all have what works for us as individuals. And the bottom line is, if it works by all means do it.
In the next few days, you will feel like a new man. The one you so desperately want to be again. Drug Free. Clear minded.
What did the doctor say? Wasn't as bad as you thought huh? I hope to read he/she is willing to help you through this journey.
No one is going to judge you for your method of recovery, we all have what works for us as individuals. And the bottom line is, if it works by all means do it.
In the next few days, you will feel like a new man. The one you so desperately want to be again. Drug Free. Clear minded.
Jer,
I am so glad that you have decided to fight and win against these damn pills! And make no mistake it is a battle, for your life! Hey, that's awesome that you have the hot tub...I got one this past summer and I was thinking....Man, this would have been awesome to have during w/d's for the body aches and pains. I would've spent hours in there LOL...Is yours indoors? I hope so...to get to mine you have to go outside first and it is just a "tad" too cold for me to do that now :)
You are on your way to a new life! WHOOO HOOOO!!! Congratulations to you Jer. You are worth it and so is your baby...Be kind to yourself the next few days...
Best Wishes,
Jan
I am so glad that you have decided to fight and win against these damn pills! And make no mistake it is a battle, for your life! Hey, that's awesome that you have the hot tub...I got one this past summer and I was thinking....Man, this would have been awesome to have during w/d's for the body aches and pains. I would've spent hours in there LOL...Is yours indoors? I hope so...to get to mine you have to go outside first and it is just a "tad" too cold for me to do that now :)
You are on your way to a new life! WHOOO HOOOO!!! Congratulations to you Jer. You are worth it and so is your baby...Be kind to yourself the next few days...
Best Wishes,
Jan
My doc was GREAT! He is going to hold onto some clonazepam for me in case I need to get sleep or I am just freaking out in general. He is nearby if I decide to take them, but I do not have the script. He gave me some anti-nausea meds, just in case. Most of all, he is there to reassure me.
Jer,
Meetings are not a good fit for everyone, and that's okay. I chose to go to counseling and I cannot express how much it helped me. For so long I falsely believed that I took pills because I just liked the feeling they gave me. I didn't believe there was some underlying issue I was trying to numb. One day I came home from counseling and it all just hit me at once. I won't go into all the details, but I suddenly discovered that there were feelings that I was trying to block out.
The important thing is that you find a way to look deep within yourself and figure out WHY you have been doing this to yourself. This journey is hard to do alone. People tend to be blind to their own issues. It's kind of like not being able to see the forest because all the trees are blocking your view. An outsider's perspective can make things a lot easier for you.
That being said, my advice is to reach out to someone for help and don't do this all alone. It's just easier that way. Whatever you do, I wish you the best. In a few days, you will begin feeling better. Take care.
Meetings are not a good fit for everyone, and that's okay. I chose to go to counseling and I cannot express how much it helped me. For so long I falsely believed that I took pills because I just liked the feeling they gave me. I didn't believe there was some underlying issue I was trying to numb. One day I came home from counseling and it all just hit me at once. I won't go into all the details, but I suddenly discovered that there were feelings that I was trying to block out.
The important thing is that you find a way to look deep within yourself and figure out WHY you have been doing this to yourself. This journey is hard to do alone. People tend to be blind to their own issues. It's kind of like not being able to see the forest because all the trees are blocking your view. An outsider's perspective can make things a lot easier for you.
That being said, my advice is to reach out to someone for help and don't do this all alone. It's just easier that way. Whatever you do, I wish you the best. In a few days, you will begin feeling better. Take care.
Wow, a great doc! What a rare find! Best of luck. Sometimes the response time lags on this board, but it usually picks up. I've been reading your plight, but not being addicted to pills myself, I didn't have any good advice for you. (My daughter is the addicted one, but because of legitimate pain.) Know that I DO care. ((((((Hugs)))) and courage through a horribly difficult time!!
meant that I am not been arrested, have not lost my family, have not lost my job, and have not died. I feel lucky to have caught this now.
JUST WANTED TO COPY AND PASTE WHAT YOU TYPED TO MY REPLY CUZ IT REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF WHAT I LEARNED IN REHAB.... HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE "YETS?"
YES I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU THAT YOU CAUGHT THIS NOW BEFORE ANY OF THIS HAPPENED TO YOU, THOSE YETS ARE ALWAYS WITH ALL OF US ADDICTS, WE HAD TO WRITE A PAPER OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO US IN A NEGATIVE WAY AND WHAT COULD AND HASNT HAPPENED YET....
FORTUNATELY FOR ME I DIDNT HAVE TOO MANY YETS THAT HAPPENED BUT IT COULD ALWAYS HAPPEN.
HI MY NAME IS JULIE AND ON THE BOARD I GO BY K-9 LOVER /JEWELS...'I AM A RECOVERING VICODIN ADDICT AND HAVE BEEN CLEAN SINCE MY SECOND ATTEMPT ON JULY 10 OF THIS YEAR.
SUBOXONE HAS HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY AND OF COURSE MY HIGHER POWER WHICH IS JESUS CHRIST.. I COULDNT DO IT THE FIRST TIME IN REHAB NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED, THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD TOLD ME ABOUT SUBOXONE, HAD I NEVER VISITED HERE, I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN ABOUT IT, THEY SAVED MY LIFE.. I HAVE RESEARCHED THS DRUG, HAVE READ MANY NEGATIVE/POSITIVE POSTS ABOUT SUB AND I HAVE WORRIED MYSELF SICK THAT IN THE INDUCTION STAGE OF SUB I WAS CHEATING, IM NOT REALLY CLEAN CUZ I AM STILL GETTING AN OPIATE(PARTIAL AGONIST) EVERY DAY, SHARED THESE WORRIES WITH MY COUNSELOR/SPONSOR AND TODAY I KNOW I HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING CUZ I WOULDNT BE WHERE I AM TODAY WITH OUT THIS "TOOL" THAT HELPED ME TO STOP CRAVING OPIATES, IT HAS MADE ME ATTEND NA MEETINGS WILLINGLY,IT HAS MADE ME SHARE AT MEETINGS WHERE I NEVER COULD BEFORE CUZ I WAS SCARED TO DEATH, MY LIVER HAS GOTTON A BREAK FROM ALL THE ACETAMINAPHIN I WAS TAKING IN THE VICODIN TABLET, I AM NOT PLAYING MY DOCTOR, I AM NOT BASING MY FEELINGS FOR THE DAY WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE DRUGS, I AM NOT PILL COUNTING, I AM CALLING MY SPONSOR WHICH I NEVER WOULD DO BEFORE AND I HAVE JUST STARTED ON WORKING STEP ONE AND WILLING TO LEARN HOW TO APPLY THESE STEPS TO MY DAILY LIVING SO THAT I CAN BE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE AND I HAVE SET BOUNDARIES TO THE PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY WHO ABUSED ME AND I WILL NOT BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR WITH THEM BECAUSE IF I DID , I WOULD BE LEFT FEELING HURT, UPSET BECAUSE BEFORE I WOULD PEOPLE PLEASE ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET TO GIVE THEM THE BEST HOLIDAY AND ABANDON MYSELF AND MY FEELINGS... THAT IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYMORE, AFTER JUST GETTING OVER A TERRIBLE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN ON NOV 9TH, THAT TRIAL THAT I WENT THRU MADE ME SO MUCH STRONGER, ALL THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE HURT AND ABUSED ME IN MY FAMILY ARE STRANDED ON GILLIGANS ISLAND THIS YEAR, THAT IS THE SCENARIO I PUT IN MY HEAD WHEN MY INNER CHILD GETS HURT AND STARTS FEELING GUILTY. THEY ARE STRANDED, THERE IS NO WAY TO CALL MAIL A LETTER OR DO ANYTHING, MY COUNSELOR THINKS THAT IS A WONDERFUL WAY OF PUTTING IT, SO ANYWAY I HAVE A LONG ROAD AHEAD, AND HAVE ALREADY BEEN THRU A LONG ROAD OF "HORROR" THAT I CAN HOPEFULLY PUT BEHIND ME, I NEED TO TAKE A DETOUR, HEY I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT ONE TOO!
YOU CAN DO IT GIRLIE, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING, BEEN THERE , ITS NOT FUN TO HAVE TO WITHDRAW, CRAVE, OBSESS.... BUT THERE IS HOPE I AM LIVING PROOF OF IT, PRAY TO GOD FOR STRENGHTH TO GUIDE YOUR PATH, GOOGLE SUBOXONE... GOOD LUCK TO YOU JULIE.
JUST WANTED TO COPY AND PASTE WHAT YOU TYPED TO MY REPLY CUZ IT REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF WHAT I LEARNED IN REHAB.... HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE "YETS?"
YES I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU THAT YOU CAUGHT THIS NOW BEFORE ANY OF THIS HAPPENED TO YOU, THOSE YETS ARE ALWAYS WITH ALL OF US ADDICTS, WE HAD TO WRITE A PAPER OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO US IN A NEGATIVE WAY AND WHAT COULD AND HASNT HAPPENED YET....
FORTUNATELY FOR ME I DIDNT HAVE TOO MANY YETS THAT HAPPENED BUT IT COULD ALWAYS HAPPEN.
HI MY NAME IS JULIE AND ON THE BOARD I GO BY K-9 LOVER /JEWELS...'I AM A RECOVERING VICODIN ADDICT AND HAVE BEEN CLEAN SINCE MY SECOND ATTEMPT ON JULY 10 OF THIS YEAR.
SUBOXONE HAS HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY AND OF COURSE MY HIGHER POWER WHICH IS JESUS CHRIST.. I COULDNT DO IT THE FIRST TIME IN REHAB NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED, THE WONDERFUL PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD TOLD ME ABOUT SUBOXONE, HAD I NEVER VISITED HERE, I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN ABOUT IT, THEY SAVED MY LIFE.. I HAVE RESEARCHED THS DRUG, HAVE READ MANY NEGATIVE/POSITIVE POSTS ABOUT SUB AND I HAVE WORRIED MYSELF SICK THAT IN THE INDUCTION STAGE OF SUB I WAS CHEATING, IM NOT REALLY CLEAN CUZ I AM STILL GETTING AN OPIATE(PARTIAL AGONIST) EVERY DAY, SHARED THESE WORRIES WITH MY COUNSELOR/SPONSOR AND TODAY I KNOW I HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING CUZ I WOULDNT BE WHERE I AM TODAY WITH OUT THIS "TOOL" THAT HELPED ME TO STOP CRAVING OPIATES, IT HAS MADE ME ATTEND NA MEETINGS WILLINGLY,IT HAS MADE ME SHARE AT MEETINGS WHERE I NEVER COULD BEFORE CUZ I WAS SCARED TO DEATH, MY LIVER HAS GOTTON A BREAK FROM ALL THE ACETAMINAPHIN I WAS TAKING IN THE VICODIN TABLET, I AM NOT PLAYING MY DOCTOR, I AM NOT BASING MY FEELINGS FOR THE DAY WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE DRUGS, I AM NOT PILL COUNTING, I AM CALLING MY SPONSOR WHICH I NEVER WOULD DO BEFORE AND I HAVE JUST STARTED ON WORKING STEP ONE AND WILLING TO LEARN HOW TO APPLY THESE STEPS TO MY DAILY LIVING SO THAT I CAN BE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE AND I HAVE SET BOUNDARIES TO THE PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY WHO ABUSED ME AND I WILL NOT BE SPENDING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR WITH THEM BECAUSE IF I DID , I WOULD BE LEFT FEELING HURT, UPSET BECAUSE BEFORE I WOULD PEOPLE PLEASE ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET TO GIVE THEM THE BEST HOLIDAY AND ABANDON MYSELF AND MY FEELINGS... THAT IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYMORE, AFTER JUST GETTING OVER A TERRIBLE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN ON NOV 9TH, THAT TRIAL THAT I WENT THRU MADE ME SO MUCH STRONGER, ALL THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE HURT AND ABUSED ME IN MY FAMILY ARE STRANDED ON GILLIGANS ISLAND THIS YEAR, THAT IS THE SCENARIO I PUT IN MY HEAD WHEN MY INNER CHILD GETS HURT AND STARTS FEELING GUILTY. THEY ARE STRANDED, THERE IS NO WAY TO CALL MAIL A LETTER OR DO ANYTHING, MY COUNSELOR THINKS THAT IS A WONDERFUL WAY OF PUTTING IT, SO ANYWAY I HAVE A LONG ROAD AHEAD, AND HAVE ALREADY BEEN THRU A LONG ROAD OF "HORROR" THAT I CAN HOPEFULLY PUT BEHIND ME, I NEED TO TAKE A DETOUR, HEY I JUST THOUGHT OF THAT ONE TOO!
YOU CAN DO IT GIRLIE, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING, BEEN THERE , ITS NOT FUN TO HAVE TO WITHDRAW, CRAVE, OBSESS.... BUT THERE IS HOPE I AM LIVING PROOF OF IT, PRAY TO GOD FOR STRENGHTH TO GUIDE YOUR PATH, GOOGLE SUBOXONE... GOOD LUCK TO YOU JULIE.
SORRY I CALLED YOU GIRLIE IN MY LAST POST TO YOU. THOUGHT I WAS POSTING TO A GIRL BUT REALIZED AFTER READING THE OTHER POSTS YOUR A MAN! SORRY JULIE
Welcome to the beginning of getting your life back. I took herbs also and rested ..well as much as I could. it will take some time, but you CAN win the fight!!! Glad you have a little one there with you also, if I had ababy around then maybe it would have kept my mind a little more occupied. Hang in there, sit in the tub as much as you can and drink liquids...eat soup and take your herbs, Hopefully you also got gabba..and vit.C
I will be thinking about you, have a great start to life. I also am not into the meeting things, my family and friends are what my f2f is...they all know what I went thru and still to this day.after a year get calls to see how I am doing...so hang tough!!!
Krazi/Traci
I will be thinking about you, have a great start to life. I also am not into the meeting things, my family and friends are what my f2f is...they all know what I went thru and still to this day.after a year get calls to see how I am doing...so hang tough!!!
Krazi/Traci
lol.................jewels................
i was already laughing when you said "girlie"..........
i was thinking........oh boy.........jer is a man................lol
what a great post jewels..............
great post guys...............
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((jer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
your doing so great.....boy oh boy are you lucky to have a jazzicuzi........
it is gonna come in so handy................
make sure you drink LOTS of water and gatorade......................please
to flush out the toxins...........
dont get dehydrated...............jer
God bless you..............
keep posting..........
thumper
when a friend of ours comes back , i think you two would make nice friends....
hes a guy to and his name is doug................
i was already laughing when you said "girlie"..........
i was thinking........oh boy.........jer is a man................lol
what a great post jewels..............
great post guys...............
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((jer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
your doing so great.....boy oh boy are you lucky to have a jazzicuzi........
it is gonna come in so handy................
make sure you drink LOTS of water and gatorade......................please
to flush out the toxins...........
dont get dehydrated...............jer
God bless you..............
keep posting..........
thumper
when a friend of ours comes back , i think you two would make nice friends....
hes a guy to and his name is doug................
Well, if you read my other post, I am writing about the jaccuzzi and some chamomile tea.....that is pretty "girlie!"
Thank you al!!!!
Thank you al!!!!
There do seem to be more females on this board.
Good for you. Meetings aren't for everyone; I have to admit I boosted my self esteem much more by going back to school.
Do me a favor, though. Learn how to tell on your disease. Make sure that when the thoughts come, and they will, to just take one, you tell someone who can remind you where one leads.
Also, cut off each and every source to obtain pills. This is absolutely crucial.
Welcome to the other side...
Do me a favor, though. Learn how to tell on your disease. Make sure that when the thoughts come, and they will, to just take one, you tell someone who can remind you where one leads.
Also, cut off each and every source to obtain pills. This is absolutely crucial.
Welcome to the other side...
yes there are definately more women...........watch out.............lol
j/k........
so nice to see you have a sence of humor.........
have fun in the jazzuczi
j/k........
so nice to see you have a sence of humor.........
have fun in the jazzuczi
I am worried about the cutoff because I got into it with some family members.
JER
THANKS FOR YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR,
HI THUMPER, SO YOU WERE LAUGHING AT ME WHEN I SAID GIRLIE???
I WILL TRY NOT TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN, MY FACE IS TURNING RED!
WE ARE ALL HERE TO LISTEN AND HELP JER, YOUR NOT ALONE! JULIE,K-9/JEWELS
THANKS FOR YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR,
HI THUMPER, SO YOU WERE LAUGHING AT ME WHEN I SAID GIRLIE???
I WILL TRY NOT TO MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN, MY FACE IS TURNING RED!
WE ARE ALL HERE TO LISTEN AND HELP JER, YOUR NOT ALONE! JULIE,K-9/JEWELS
the cut off ............what do you mean?
(((((jewels))))).........its O-TAY
(((((jewels))))).........its O-TAY
Extended family members are still using.
mrjer:
hey! congratulations! you sound really committed...and that is fantastic!
about the extended family member thing...in my case, siblings, best friends, wives of close friends whose husband's no NOTHING of their using, were all involved in my "cutting of my sources". i had to do whatever it takes to get clean...and cutting off your sources is definitely part of the protocol. in the end, they are not "gone" from my life...but they do know i DO NOT USE anymore, i take every opportunity to share with them when they ask how i did it?..do i miss it?, anything they may want to know...
the point is, you do not lose them forever, you just have to distance yourself and stand your ground and if they mention anything about using, i look them in the eyes and ask..."do you really want to see me fail?"...
i do not judge their using...i have been there, right? i just remain strong so that one day, when they decide, i will be able to help them. i pray for them, as well as myself daily.
don't worry about the fallout from any of this. leave the politics to the politician's and state your case, create some safe space for yourself. you are SO worth it.
peace. peace. and continued success.
sarah
hey! congratulations! you sound really committed...and that is fantastic!
about the extended family member thing...in my case, siblings, best friends, wives of close friends whose husband's no NOTHING of their using, were all involved in my "cutting of my sources". i had to do whatever it takes to get clean...and cutting off your sources is definitely part of the protocol. in the end, they are not "gone" from my life...but they do know i DO NOT USE anymore, i take every opportunity to share with them when they ask how i did it?..do i miss it?, anything they may want to know...
the point is, you do not lose them forever, you just have to distance yourself and stand your ground and if they mention anything about using, i look them in the eyes and ask..."do you really want to see me fail?"...
i do not judge their using...i have been there, right? i just remain strong so that one day, when they decide, i will be able to help them. i pray for them, as well as myself daily.
don't worry about the fallout from any of this. leave the politics to the politician's and state your case, create some safe space for yourself. you are SO worth it.
peace. peace. and continued success.
sarah
