I wonder some days why I feel the way I do,when I shouldn't cause.....
I'm not using heroin,not running around in the streets,
not sleeping in rundown shooting galleries,not hungry,
not dirty,not broke,NOT SICK!!,not in jail,not scared,
not pushed away from the people I love,
NOT doing thing's I don't want to for HEROIN,
And everything else that comes with the territory......
I wonder some days why I feel the way I do,when I should be happy cause....
I have evrything I didn't when I was a junkie and some,
I have three very amazing,beautiful little angels that should make me soo happy to be alive.......
BUT,BUT,BUT,there is always this damn BUT.....
I was just wondering does anyone else feel like I do sometimes,I hate feeling this way cause I say to myself why are you down in the dumps Teena,you should be so happy and feeling good,but your down in the dumps,depressed,lonely,sad,afraid,etc...
I should be thankful for so many thing's but all I can think about some days is the bad thing's in my life,like...
I'm a 36yr old single mom of three kids,two from my marrige and my last one from a realationship I thought would have a better outcome.None of which the dad's come see the kids,or give money to raise them,I do all this on my own.I have had no break from the kids in the 10 and odd yrs my daughter has been alive,I have no family to help me out with the kids or just to take an hour to myself,to find the real Teena that I realy don't know who she is.I was a kid and before I knew it I was using drugs at the tender age of 9yrs old got into the junkie shooting life at 13yrs old and then woke up one morning with bars in my face not knowing how I got in prison with a 3yr sentence,cause I was so high on smack and pot and pills,(oh I loved those pills boy).Anyways I woke up at the age of 20 with my childhood all gone,in prison,and soon to find out that my mom was dead from cancer,that I didn't even know she was sick,mind you I lived with her,how blind that smack makes us,so selfish didn't even see my own mom dyeing.Then out of prison for a year long stint in therapy by the courts,then back on the streets with nowhere to go since my mom was dead,my dad left when I was 9yrs old,my bro was in New Brunswick,very far from Montreal,Canada.Back on the streets got back to my old habits before long and lived on the streets for a yr,then meet my husband,went on the program,had two daughter's,fighting,lies,divorce,on my own with 2 kids.Raised my girls to the best of my ability,then meet Martin,the dad of my son,got pregnant and he left,couldn't handle being a dad he said,so now I'm all alone with 3 kids,that I love with all my heart,and some days I'm struggling to find out WHY.....
I have 3 great kids a house a minivan,enough money to get by,but I wake up some morning's wondering why I FEEL SOOO SH%%TY...
I say to myself I suffered all those years why do I have to suffer now too..
I don't know does anyone else feel like this???
I get these depression spells that all I want to do is crawl under something and not come out till someone finds me dead,I suffer from alot of pain in my lower back and oh my god do my ankles and knee joints hurt,I have a few lumps in my breasts,my tigh and my hip,hope it's not bad news,but why do we suffer soo even after so much suffering from MISS HEROIN.
Some days I just can't take it,like today,everything and everyone breaks my nerves it's unbelievable this damn pain,depression,suffering even after all we've been through we still have to suffer,I know it's life but sometimes I just want to SCREAM......
Thanks everyone for listening to me if anyone will read such a long novel,loll..LOve you all,lot's of love...
AND...
THIS TOO SHALL
PASS.......
Always a friend TEENA xxooxxoxoooxxxxx
Teena as I read your accomplishments I so impressed. You just came from nothing and made a beautiful life for yourself. It's easy to be sad. It's easy to feel overwhelmed. We all get that way. I send good energy and prayers your way this afternoon. Don't be sad is so easy to say. Please feel proud of yourself and your accomplishments. Life is life. But you have friends here. How old are your kids?
Sweetest Justjane:
Thank you for your kind words,and I understand completly,it's just some days I feel horrible and I don't know why after all the bad thing's I've been through and all the good thing's I've done with my life I shouldn't feel this way but I do,I hate feeling like this cause we have such a short life on this planet that I should always take the 24hrs like there my last.
I can't explain the way I feel somedays,even on paper or on the board it's hard to explain,I shouldn't feel like this,maybe it's cause I'm all alone and have no help,or some time to myself,maybe that's it?
Anyhow,my three little angels are,my first daughter,Loula is 10yrs old,my second daughter,Vasiliki,Viki for short is 8 and a half yrs old,and my little munchkin man,my son,Dimitri is 3yrs old.I'm greek if you wondering about the names.
I have great kids,my girls are so well mannered and so special cause they understand me so well,and help me around the house,my son on the other hand is a handfull,he has a mind of his own,climbing everywhere and not listening to me,I guess it comes from being a boy and the age,I never went through this with my girls they were always well behaved.
Oh well it's life and this too shall pass like everything else there is a time and place for everything and all that happens happens for a reason I say.
Lot's of love Teena
Thank you for your kind words,and I understand completly,it's just some days I feel horrible and I don't know why after all the bad thing's I've been through and all the good thing's I've done with my life I shouldn't feel this way but I do,I hate feeling like this cause we have such a short life on this planet that I should always take the 24hrs like there my last.
I can't explain the way I feel somedays,even on paper or on the board it's hard to explain,I shouldn't feel like this,maybe it's cause I'm all alone and have no help,or some time to myself,maybe that's it?
Anyhow,my three little angels are,my first daughter,Loula is 10yrs old,my second daughter,Vasiliki,Viki for short is 8 and a half yrs old,and my little munchkin man,my son,Dimitri is 3yrs old.I'm greek if you wondering about the names.
I have great kids,my girls are so well mannered and so special cause they understand me so well,and help me around the house,my son on the other hand is a handfull,he has a mind of his own,climbing everywhere and not listening to me,I guess it comes from being a boy and the age,I never went through this with my girls they were always well behaved.
Oh well it's life and this too shall pass like everything else there is a time and place for everything and all that happens happens for a reason I say.
Lot's of love Teena
Believe me I understand. I am two years sober tomorrow Woo Hoo! My x-husband is about to get married and there are days like when my kids would rather be with him. That I think it may be easier if there wasn't another person involved. So there are two sides to it. I wish you lived nearby and I could baby sit or we could find a sitter and go out. It gets overwhelming. I think the best thing that we can do is keep going. We are headed in the right direction so....
Well I don't necissarily have good advice. I feel for ya though. My daughter always talks about her new brothers (the x's new girl has twin boys) how she misses them and such and it hurts too I love your childrens names. Beautiful. Mine are Edward 12 and Savannah 9. you live in Canada is that right? How is the weather there? Maybe you should go out in the sun it usually can lift my spirits. Do you have any support at all ?
Well I don't necissarily have good advice. I feel for ya though. My daughter always talks about her new brothers (the x's new girl has twin boys) how she misses them and such and it hurts too I love your childrens names. Beautiful. Mine are Edward 12 and Savannah 9. you live in Canada is that right? How is the weather there? Maybe you should go out in the sun it usually can lift my spirits. Do you have any support at all ?
Anyone would be overwhelmed who lived your life. You have gotton so FAR by yourself that is proof you are a fighter and you are strong. I ADMIRE highly that you are this stable WITHout having any time for yourself no babysitter around you made it!. Being a mom is wonderful but, way to demanding some days. I'm 28 pregnant with my 3rd now. I've been a single mom i could not hold it together. I failed a drug test childrens services gave my kids to my mom. They are 10 and 8. I have been over a year without them, I SEE THEM and they go out with me all the time thou. Court date july 31st. Anyhow you have done what i could not do, what even the most stable person with no issues would go nuts doing. I have those why me days, it's normal. A good baby sitter some time to have some FUN adult interaction would help you a TON. Even only once a month would life your spirts to get out enjoy the world without having to be MOM. Hang in there your doing GREAT.
Teena,as we all know you have come a long way&have said stuff on this board that im sure has helped a lot of folks,including me.Just to say Teena from a single dad of a great 7yr old Sian ,by the way...whilst on names i know exactly how ya feel.For me sometimes its like you dont have yer own life,feel used etc...but as you know one look or word from yer kids snaps you straight outta that vibe,usually works for me.teena stay strong girl coz if thats one thing you got its strength....always all the best Davey
Sweetest Jane:
Thank you very much for being there this afternoon and I do understand everything everyone is saying,but there are days I wish I could iust runaway and never turn back,but I would never do cause these little angels mean soooo much to me that there are no words to describe it,also these precious kids didn't ask to be born into my world and living with me,but they were heaven sent and I know that they are here for a reason.
I don't have no support,what soever,eveything I do it's with my kids and there friends,no adults,I'm sort of a loner.I'ts hard cause there are straight people that are nice but you can only say so much,fear of rejaction,judged,etc..So it's hard to have someone understand me,except you guys/gals.
Dearest Zerogirl:
I realy appreciate you posting to me thank you very much.It must be hell for you to be away from your little ones,but just say to yourself that eveything happens for a reason,and whatever doesn't kill us,makes us stronger.
I think I would go nuts if they took my kids away cause I don't know how your social services are over there but here they are real B$#%@R'S and B%$#$ES and that's putting it nicely.I would be there every day to be with them,I can't picture me alone without them,I am strong but don't know if I would in that situation.
Your one tough cookie yourself.
Davey sweetheart:
I didn't know you were a single dad,I realy take my hat off to guy's like you,cause I know being a single mom is hard.but a single dad,now that's hard.Also you have a girl if I'm not mistaken,that's a double wammy,the ?'s that she will ask that will be hard,cause a mom could answer better,like me I wanted to start toilet trainning my son but how I said I have no pecker,it would have been easier with a male but I figured out a way,we always do.Girls are harder I think,I'm a female and I have a hard time.
I wish there would be more great guy's like you Davey,cause there is none,It realy amazes me to see single dad's,great work ,keep it up,your a great person Davey,your kid is one lucky kid to have a dad like you.
You guy's realy made me feel a whole lot better,I know I'm not alone in this battle but it sure feels like it sometimes,I'm sure glad I have a place where I can come and be myself without someone judging me,it's great,you gal'sand guy are great.
Love to hear from you tomorrow,lot's of love Teena
Thank you very much for being there this afternoon and I do understand everything everyone is saying,but there are days I wish I could iust runaway and never turn back,but I would never do cause these little angels mean soooo much to me that there are no words to describe it,also these precious kids didn't ask to be born into my world and living with me,but they were heaven sent and I know that they are here for a reason.
I don't have no support,what soever,eveything I do it's with my kids and there friends,no adults,I'm sort of a loner.I'ts hard cause there are straight people that are nice but you can only say so much,fear of rejaction,judged,etc..So it's hard to have someone understand me,except you guys/gals.
Dearest Zerogirl:
I realy appreciate you posting to me thank you very much.It must be hell for you to be away from your little ones,but just say to yourself that eveything happens for a reason,and whatever doesn't kill us,makes us stronger.
I think I would go nuts if they took my kids away cause I don't know how your social services are over there but here they are real B$#%@R'S and B%$#$ES and that's putting it nicely.I would be there every day to be with them,I can't picture me alone without them,I am strong but don't know if I would in that situation.
Your one tough cookie yourself.
Davey sweetheart:
I didn't know you were a single dad,I realy take my hat off to guy's like you,cause I know being a single mom is hard.but a single dad,now that's hard.Also you have a girl if I'm not mistaken,that's a double wammy,the ?'s that she will ask that will be hard,cause a mom could answer better,like me I wanted to start toilet trainning my son but how I said I have no pecker,it would have been easier with a male but I figured out a way,we always do.Girls are harder I think,I'm a female and I have a hard time.
I wish there would be more great guy's like you Davey,cause there is none,It realy amazes me to see single dad's,great work ,keep it up,your a great person Davey,your kid is one lucky kid to have a dad like you.
You guy's realy made me feel a whole lot better,I know I'm not alone in this battle but it sure feels like it sometimes,I'm sure glad I have a place where I can come and be myself without someone judging me,it's great,you gal'sand guy are great.
Love to hear from you tomorrow,lot's of love Teena
Alright ,Teena glad things are a bit better today&that the words of enchouragement helped a bit.yep single dad of a great 7yr old,her mum sees her bout one week in four,if were lucky,but Sian is very happy being brought up by me,with some obvioushelp from my ma.of course it aint been easy but btwn. us weve done o.k.Iknow all the Q?S yer on about,but from my view i just try to treat Sian,on a even leval,so she has no probs.asking me some awkward q?s,it me who has to think quick,anyway Teena take care&all the best ...Davey
HI
Its 10 am ,I took a well deserved day off from work today. I can tell you ,if I wasnt working& had all this time on my hands- even though I have been on methadone for years (with a few slips- one recently) the free time would be tough.
I rarley think about it ,but I still do. I should be going to an afternoon meeting today but after I slipped that 1 time about a month ago, I kind of stopped going. I dont know why- I got a sponser for the 1st time ,they all were understanding and welcomed me back,but this sponser called me ALL the time -even at work when I asked him not to .Maybe I felt funny for "firering" him BUT thats really not a excuse to stop going to meetings.
Anyway, yes I still have bad days ,but the more distance you put in between
useage the easier it becomes to deal with.
Hang in there- your not missing anything
respect,
jack
Its 10 am ,I took a well deserved day off from work today. I can tell you ,if I wasnt working& had all this time on my hands- even though I have been on methadone for years (with a few slips- one recently) the free time would be tough.
I rarley think about it ,but I still do. I should be going to an afternoon meeting today but after I slipped that 1 time about a month ago, I kind of stopped going. I dont know why- I got a sponser for the 1st time ,they all were understanding and welcomed me back,but this sponser called me ALL the time -even at work when I asked him not to .Maybe I felt funny for "firering" him BUT thats really not a excuse to stop going to meetings.
Anyway, yes I still have bad days ,but the more distance you put in between
useage the easier it becomes to deal with.
Hang in there- your not missing anything
respect,
jack
Dearest Jack:
I know I'm not missing anything on that side of the tracks.I feel 100% better in the morning's when I get up,I don't run around looking for my next hit,or the way to make money to get it.Life is 1000% better anyday from when I was on jazz.
I want to also tell you something I was told once way back then,that helped me soo much,and got me through those rough days when I thought there was no use in stopping cause I was relapsing so often.
Jack sweetheart we didn't become junkies overnight it took alot of time and money to become one so it won't take overnight to get of it.
Thank you very much for your kind words...
Lots of love Teena
I know I'm not missing anything on that side of the tracks.I feel 100% better in the morning's when I get up,I don't run around looking for my next hit,or the way to make money to get it.Life is 1000% better anyday from when I was on jazz.
I want to also tell you something I was told once way back then,that helped me soo much,and got me through those rough days when I thought there was no use in stopping cause I was relapsing so often.
Jack sweetheart we didn't become junkies overnight it took alot of time and money to become one so it won't take overnight to get of it.
Thank you very much for your kind words...
Lots of love Teena
I`m new 2 all of this,have been 3 years clean of gear now,I too have a lovely home and 2 boys,they have disabilities though.1 is autistic and the other has ADHD......was not using through either pregnancy......sounds silly but is this my karma 4 abusing my body for 6yrs???? kirstyarohanui
Alright,..Kirsty,thought i had a hard time being a single dad of a v.lively 7yr old girl,you really seem to have your work cut out,im presuming.But karma for using nah!.As im sure you know this life thing hits us from all sides,at the end of the day you count&yer clean an there for your kids,as Teena T.B.W says welcome to a good place this board.take it eze all the best ....Davey
