Hi, I'm completely new to this whole posting thing. I'm looking for advice, shared stories, words of encouragement or anything at this point. Let me start from the beginning.
I met my fiance a little over a year ago. At that point, he was living in a rescue mission after just moving here from Florida where he had been in prison three times for various drug induced charges. He had been using since age 13, started with weed and pills then got more serious from there. He and I dated for five months before we moved in together and he had told me he had been clean since he moved up to the rescue mission. Later I found out he had actually still been using heroin and doing pills while he was there. I became pregnant shortly after we moved in together (we planned it, I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with) and that's when he started getting sick all the time. I have never had any experience with addictions before so I just though he had a cold or the flu. He started smoking weed again this past January, but never around me out of respect for me and the baby. He began working under the table with someone he had met at the mission and he seemed happy about it. I didn't realize that it was because one of his coworkers was selling him pain pills. Then at the end of February, four days before my 22nd birthday, he apparently borrowed some money from his boss and put a down payment on an engagement ring. He was never able to give it to me. When I came home after working from 5:30a-10p that same day, I found him slumped over on the couch, not breathing, no pulse, warm to the touch but gray in color. I knew he was gone, but I started CPR and called 911 anyway. That was the worst round of CPR I've ever had to perform. Five minutes after he arrived at the hospital, he was pronounced dead. I was 17 weeks pregnant. They did an autopsy due to his age and found nothing, so they did a toxicology report. They determined the cause of death to be an overdose on Fentanyl and xanax. After not hearing from my fiance for a couple of days, the coworker who had been selling him xanax and pain pills/patches showed up at our place and said he was wondering if my fiance was alright. I told him that he had passed, then closed the door in his face. That was a mistake. The guy has since skipped town and the investigation is at a standstill because of it. I can't believe what a coward that man is. I don't blame him completely, as I know that my fiance could have said no at any point, but he knew my fiance was a recovering addict and tried to make a quick buck off of him. Its been almost five months since my fiance passed, I am now 38 weeks pregnant and due any day now. I still cry every morning, night, when a song comes on that he liked, when I drive past somewhere that meant something to us. I'm worried about what I'm going to be like once I have the baby. I have a history of depression and they've already put me back on a low dose of antidepressants. I don't want any harm to come to our child, but I have no one to lean on, no one to talk to. I tried therapy but all the therapists did was judge my fiance because of his past. None of my friends or family understand what its like to love an addict, so when I say anything to them, they just don't know how to respond. I'm just kind of lost at this point. Like I said, any advice, anyone with a similar story, anything is welcome.
I'm so very sorry for the situation you find yourself in...my sincerest condolences on your loss and anguish. You must be feeling incredibly alone. You are right that most people don't know how to respond to addiction unless they have lived it, but keep trying to make them understand, they want to, even if it makes them a little uncomfortable. Try going to an AlAnon meeting for support and understanding. Take time for yourself and rejoice in the life you'll be bringing forth any day now.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Peace ~ MomNMore
