"he WILL survive old junkie that he is....believe me it isn't all that uncommon....and Mary will suffer, and crawl, and try to live, and he'll walk right the hell over you."
Dear Bryn,
I am so glad you are back with us and didn't give into your impulses to pick up so you can continue to give the rest of us the wisdom of your experience strength and hope.
Thank you for your wonderful insight and advice that you have given me over on the other message board for those of us dealing with addicted loved ones..
the quote that i copied and pasted above from your particular thread greatly disturbs and defeats me..
i know this sounds childish on my part but it just doesn't seem fair that he gets to keep up with his old junky habits....shooting dope for 30 years...living to his ripe age of currently 53 yrs and counting where so many far younger and worthier individuals have lost their lives to this addiction....it is almost as if he is allowed to have his cake and eat it too....even while on probation for a drug trafficking offense.....smoking pot 24/7.....now hanging out with old shooting and dealing buddies...swearing that he has been clean from heroin for 3 years...
what's the use of my trying to survive (18 yrs 10 months clean) if the likes of he will flaunt his sociopathic ways in the face of the law and continue to run his own program....and MARY has to beg and crawl while he gets to belittle and strut....basking in the glow of his own evil sunshine
IT JUST AIN'T FAIR...but i guess nobody said life
was always fair...
love to you
MARY
Mary what do you want from us... vindication? justification? what??? Everyone has told you time and time again to focus on yourself... until that happens I don't know what anyone can say anymore. Go speak to someone professional...
Morning Mary,
Glad you posted here, away from the other board.....
This is where you need to be, maybe though on the alcohol board because that was you doc to begin with. Now it is him......
Along the way in fighting your addiction you lost something. I really do believe that you have fell back into some bad behavioral patterns, and this is what has become of it all. You are trapped by a man, and so in need of him to set your days. Without him you become dispondant, depressed, even suicidal.
You have the tools to start yourself on a road that heals, and you have the option to go to alanon, which Mickey keeps asking about. If you go, and if you don't why....I am curious as to why myself, but also want to know if AA is still a big part of your life, and if it is why are you still sitting trapped in the behaviors.
It is strange to me. I have seen your post to other suffering addicts, you are right there, present and giving good advice. Yet you hit the other board, and are so lost, blind to what you, yes what you have allowed to become of your life.
It is YOUR life. It it NOT set by him, well unless you let it be.
Take it back and find some peace within it all, and some fun, laughter, normalcy.....
Love,
Tina
Glad you posted here, away from the other board.....
This is where you need to be, maybe though on the alcohol board because that was you doc to begin with. Now it is him......
Along the way in fighting your addiction you lost something. I really do believe that you have fell back into some bad behavioral patterns, and this is what has become of it all. You are trapped by a man, and so in need of him to set your days. Without him you become dispondant, depressed, even suicidal.
You have the tools to start yourself on a road that heals, and you have the option to go to alanon, which Mickey keeps asking about. If you go, and if you don't why....I am curious as to why myself, but also want to know if AA is still a big part of your life, and if it is why are you still sitting trapped in the behaviors.
It is strange to me. I have seen your post to other suffering addicts, you are right there, present and giving good advice. Yet you hit the other board, and are so lost, blind to what you, yes what you have allowed to become of your life.
It is YOUR life. It it NOT set by him, well unless you let it be.
Take it back and find some peace within it all, and some fun, laughter, normalcy.....
Love,
Tina
Mary, I absolutely understand your anger....I mean about people who can just do what the heck they like.....then there's people who have never done a dang drug or even drank, and they suffer, die, get paralyzed or hurt....the gamut.
I can tell you....my daughter...and boy have I posted, and felt guilt about this.
Thank my Higher Power for sending me people like Tina, and many others here who have helped me through my child, and her anger which is like yours.
The difference between the two though is....you were through it....you physically harmed yourself at a point....my child did not....so I think with you it's actually a jealousy issue...I have had that rear it's head on me too...like look at so, and so STILL using....and looking pretty good, and having a life, but with heroin, and they can do it, and I can't....I've gotten PO'd at people for that too.
Because of course I want to have the love of my life back....my heroin....I can't.
I won't either....because it's a loved one like your boyfriend....NO GOOD FOR ME.....I love it.....yet it hates me...and abuses me, and had me selling myself soul, and all....and living in a gutter literally, and physically.
You need to climb out, Mary....if not it's a choice, and if you stay with that choice than expect to be down, and out....no matter how functional you seem on the surface...you are scarred, and mutilated on the inside.
I see better things for you....way better....like Tina I see he is your addiction now, and it's as ugly as heroin....or alcohol....I can't judge you.....and if you don't take my advice....I certainly will not fault you....it takes some people longer than others to "get it".....us heroin addicts I think can empathize with that......BUT we have also walked away...and stay away from it....and know we can't ever go back...or just do it ocassionally...we left our love who put us down, and made us dirty, and laughed at our misery....that's heroin.
O.K. I might get crap for this...BUT it almost seems to me you're in danger of actually becoming a heroin addict....at some point you might toss caution to the wind, and do the ol' "Can't beat em join em"....I have seen that happen.
Your past indicates that you may fill yourself with substances to lose all your awful feelings, and cover something....which you did prior with alcohol.
Just me, but I think if you find out what it is that makes you need to hide, and cover, and change the chemicals in you to FEEL something or become NUMB to something....it will help save your life....I'm thinking of you, sweetie....we all need human kindness....and you have given it....now you need to give it to you.
I can tell you....my daughter...and boy have I posted, and felt guilt about this.
Thank my Higher Power for sending me people like Tina, and many others here who have helped me through my child, and her anger which is like yours.
The difference between the two though is....you were through it....you physically harmed yourself at a point....my child did not....so I think with you it's actually a jealousy issue...I have had that rear it's head on me too...like look at so, and so STILL using....and looking pretty good, and having a life, but with heroin, and they can do it, and I can't....I've gotten PO'd at people for that too.
Because of course I want to have the love of my life back....my heroin....I can't.
I won't either....because it's a loved one like your boyfriend....NO GOOD FOR ME.....I love it.....yet it hates me...and abuses me, and had me selling myself soul, and all....and living in a gutter literally, and physically.
You need to climb out, Mary....if not it's a choice, and if you stay with that choice than expect to be down, and out....no matter how functional you seem on the surface...you are scarred, and mutilated on the inside.
I see better things for you....way better....like Tina I see he is your addiction now, and it's as ugly as heroin....or alcohol....I can't judge you.....and if you don't take my advice....I certainly will not fault you....it takes some people longer than others to "get it".....us heroin addicts I think can empathize with that......BUT we have also walked away...and stay away from it....and know we can't ever go back...or just do it ocassionally...we left our love who put us down, and made us dirty, and laughed at our misery....that's heroin.
O.K. I might get crap for this...BUT it almost seems to me you're in danger of actually becoming a heroin addict....at some point you might toss caution to the wind, and do the ol' "Can't beat em join em"....I have seen that happen.
Your past indicates that you may fill yourself with substances to lose all your awful feelings, and cover something....which you did prior with alcohol.
Just me, but I think if you find out what it is that makes you need to hide, and cover, and change the chemicals in you to FEEL something or become NUMB to something....it will help save your life....I'm thinking of you, sweetie....we all need human kindness....and you have given it....now you need to give it to you.
Dear Bryn,
What it really is all about is not his addiction to heroin but my addiction to him....i am powerless over what he chooses to do and has done long before he met me....but i have to admit my addiction to him is killing me and i have yet to reach my 'bottom' yet...
Honestly i have no desire whatsoever to try heroin...i have seen what it has done not only to him but to others as well...a couple of good friends that i have known in the past had lost their lives to heroin...
In fact last summer i had been cleaning behind my stereo center and found about 100 dollars worth of heroin packaged for street sale that he had tossed behind there and forgotten....to me it was like finding a dead mouse and i flushed the whole lot of it down the toilet without thinking twice.
I have also been clean from pot as well as alcohol for almost 19 yrs and when he smokes his weed (while on probation mind you) the smell of it makes me dizzy and he acts like such a vapid fool that he keeps it 'green' for me... anyway this is all stuff for the other message board for family and friends etc.
needed to hear what you had to say however
love to you
MARY
What it really is all about is not his addiction to heroin but my addiction to him....i am powerless over what he chooses to do and has done long before he met me....but i have to admit my addiction to him is killing me and i have yet to reach my 'bottom' yet...
Honestly i have no desire whatsoever to try heroin...i have seen what it has done not only to him but to others as well...a couple of good friends that i have known in the past had lost their lives to heroin...
In fact last summer i had been cleaning behind my stereo center and found about 100 dollars worth of heroin packaged for street sale that he had tossed behind there and forgotten....to me it was like finding a dead mouse and i flushed the whole lot of it down the toilet without thinking twice.
I have also been clean from pot as well as alcohol for almost 19 yrs and when he smokes his weed (while on probation mind you) the smell of it makes me dizzy and he acts like such a vapid fool that he keeps it 'green' for me... anyway this is all stuff for the other message board for family and friends etc.
needed to hear what you had to say however
love to you
MARY
Woh. Woh. Wow. Mary, see? I just read that post, and I'm clean now coming up in a week or so one year and ten months. You know this, but it's a long time, but it's a really short time. YOU just kept it green for me, Mary.
I'm reading your post ladie dah like all posts we read UNTIL I come to the part where all that heroin was behind the console.
I swear right through my head went "OH NO. NO WAY. NO YOU DID NOT FLUSH THAT PRECIOUS WONDERFUL LIFE GIVING HEROIN".
I mean it just came across real quick, and then I though "Hmmmm. Well I would have done just maybe ONE bag, and flushed the rest". LOL But it isn't funny as you know. Still THEN I thought "Oh I would have sold it. That's a hubdred bucks I could use to pay a bill". WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never contribute to others misery or even worse that could have gotten into the hands of someone who never even did heroin.
Thank you Mary for keeping it green for me too. I will not say to you "Ditch him, and just get over him, and you can't be addicted to such an awful heroin addict"
I won't say it because I've been there both ways.
You just do what you got to do, and when you hit that bottom then we'll have Mary back. Thanks again, Mary. That post helped. I care about you.
I'm reading your post ladie dah like all posts we read UNTIL I come to the part where all that heroin was behind the console.
I swear right through my head went "OH NO. NO WAY. NO YOU DID NOT FLUSH THAT PRECIOUS WONDERFUL LIFE GIVING HEROIN".
I mean it just came across real quick, and then I though "Hmmmm. Well I would have done just maybe ONE bag, and flushed the rest". LOL But it isn't funny as you know. Still THEN I thought "Oh I would have sold it. That's a hubdred bucks I could use to pay a bill". WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never contribute to others misery or even worse that could have gotten into the hands of someone who never even did heroin.
Thank you Mary for keeping it green for me too. I will not say to you "Ditch him, and just get over him, and you can't be addicted to such an awful heroin addict"
I won't say it because I've been there both ways.
You just do what you got to do, and when you hit that bottom then we'll have Mary back. Thanks again, Mary. That post helped. I care about you.
