For those of us who lost a child to this disease.... whether by death, jail, circumstances, distance, etc .... This one is for you....
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"Dear Mom and Dad,
Words cant describe how sorry I am. I put you in a position no parent should ever face. I left before you. It wasnt supposed to be this way. The natural order of things was skewed by my addiction. I can only imagine the agony you must be in. I know youre angry, despairing and sad, all at the same time. If only you could reach back in time and pluck me from the path Id chosen, but you cant. You never could. God knows, you tried. I wasnt completely oblivious, to all you did for me. I always believed I had time and the truth is I was too dammed smart for my own good.
I underestimated the power of my disease.
I know you tried to tell me this. But I wouldnt listen. After I began using drugs I became desensitized. I thought I was immortal. I liked living on the edge. I felt so alive! Drugs filled a place in me that nothing else could. With them I was King. Without them, I was just, well, me.
Maybe that was part of the problem.
I never did feel right, about being me. I always needed something more. I felt entitled to nice things. I wanted the best. I hated waiting for anything. When I wanted something, it was all I could think about until I got it, and then, I wanted something else. There were times I felt guilty for the stress I created in our family. But it was fleeting. The burning need inside of me was greater than anything else. This need had no conscience, integrity, or morals.
This need was my addiction.
I know I hurt you. I rejected your love. I rolled my eyes at you. I called you names. I stole from you. I lied to you. I avoided you and finally, I left you for good.
I was so smug.
There wasnt anything you could have said, or done, to prevent this from happening. I thought I knew it all. Death by overdose was something that happened to other people. Foolish people people who didnt know s*** about using. It wouldnt to happen to me, no way, no how, not ever.
You begged me to stop. I tuned you out. Your words were like wasps in my ears. Although they stung, they were nothing more than an annoying buzz. When you cried, I cringed. When you put your arms around me, I wanted away from you.
I know you love me. I know you did your best. But you were never stronger than the disease of addiction, and sadly, neither was I.
Please dont blame yourself, or me. It will only make things worse. We did the best we could. You must believe this.
Love always, your child.
Devastatingly true. Don't you wish we could send this to our child, and somehow it would snap them out of the alternate universe that addiction creates? Thank you for sharing this
thank you for the reminder. sad but true. so sorry. it hurts watching. I am sure there was nothing more you could do. just like I. my son living a few miles away. nothing I can do to change what he does. oh the pain, the agony.... I'm having a bad, sad week.
I had a thought today that may seem a little crazy...when I want to step in, "help" my son and save him from anymore heartache, it is like a doctor telling you your child must have this medicine or he will die......and me saying oh but it tastes so bad and he doesn't like it...so let me do it for him. Most days I try to tell myself that all who are struggling are only one miracle away from recovery. Sad weeks are hard. Take good care.
Must be the sad week for everyone. I can hardly read this. I feel so helpless.
It seems like I do okay during the day. But, at night, when I don't know where he is and if is okay, I get very melancholy. He was trying to change but it only lasted a few days. It is heartache all over again to watch him disappear again! Such heartache.
Hugs all around.
It seems like I do okay during the day. But, at night, when I don't know where he is and if is okay, I get very melancholy. He was trying to change but it only lasted a few days. It is heartache all over again to watch him disappear again! Such heartache.
Hugs all around.
Amy,
Like you, the nights are hard for me too. We're supposed to get storms here tonight and I can't help but wonder about my son.
That poem that Lynn posted said it....there's nothing stronger than their addiction. Pretty depressing but true.
Hugs to all of you!
Like you, the nights are hard for me too. We're supposed to get storms here tonight and I can't help but wonder about my son.
That poem that Lynn posted said it....there's nothing stronger than their addiction. Pretty depressing but true.
Hugs to all of you!
Yes, it must be a sad week for everyone. Hugs to all!
But I hoped the letter would help... or bring some kind of peace or understanding.... it was not my intent to make you hurt or feel depressed. Actually, the letter brought me some comfort and some answers. Yesterday marked 10 months. I've been furious with Jill that she didn't listen to me or my warnings. I told her not to do any drug that had a recipe (which means do nothing but smoke weed) bc you never know what someone put in there. And what happened? She died bc someone sold her carfentanyl, rather than Coke or heroin. I told her to stay home when she flew back with me last July after her first OD. Maybe I should have broken her phone, stolen her drivers license or physically sat on her to keep her here in the NYC area. I told her it would kill me to bury her. I could hear my Jill tell me everything that was in this letter.... that she was too smug and my words were like wasps in her ear but she knew I tried so hard to help & I love her.
You would think after 10 months I would have mastered the art of typing & crying, right?
Lynn
But I hoped the letter would help... or bring some kind of peace or understanding.... it was not my intent to make you hurt or feel depressed. Actually, the letter brought me some comfort and some answers. Yesterday marked 10 months. I've been furious with Jill that she didn't listen to me or my warnings. I told her not to do any drug that had a recipe (which means do nothing but smoke weed) bc you never know what someone put in there. And what happened? She died bc someone sold her carfentanyl, rather than Coke or heroin. I told her to stay home when she flew back with me last July after her first OD. Maybe I should have broken her phone, stolen her drivers license or physically sat on her to keep her here in the NYC area. I told her it would kill me to bury her. I could hear my Jill tell me everything that was in this letter.... that she was too smug and my words were like wasps in her ear but she knew I tried so hard to help & I love her.
You would think after 10 months I would have mastered the art of typing & crying, right?
Lynn
Lynn--
The letter helped me even though I am having a sad week as well. I can't get it out of my mind that Chris might not make it and might OD or end up in a bad deal. I am staying strong and not enabling in any way --in fact, I have stopped responding to him because it is too painful to hear his demons come out or to see him so far down!
I know you must have gone through most of the same anxieties with Jill. I do know that you tried everything just like us and you did what you thought was best as her mom and you were a good mom! You are caring and compassionate and you have helped so many of us on this forum wade through all the stuff we are dealt by our addicted kids. For that I thank you!
You have helped me stay strong and I love your inspiring posts---
(((Big Hugs)))---Lori
The letter helped me even though I am having a sad week as well. I can't get it out of my mind that Chris might not make it and might OD or end up in a bad deal. I am staying strong and not enabling in any way --in fact, I have stopped responding to him because it is too painful to hear his demons come out or to see him so far down!
I know you must have gone through most of the same anxieties with Jill. I do know that you tried everything just like us and you did what you thought was best as her mom and you were a good mom! You are caring and compassionate and you have helped so many of us on this forum wade through all the stuff we are dealt by our addicted kids. For that I thank you!
You have helped me stay strong and I love your inspiring posts---
(((Big Hugs)))---Lori
Lynn,
Yes! The letter helped. Sometimes touching our sad hearts with these things can be healing.
And, it really helps put the perspective on addiction, not lack of love, from our children.
Yes! The letter helped. Sometimes touching our sad hearts with these things can be healing.
And, it really helps put the perspective on addiction, not lack of love, from our children.
Lynn
I think that letter is a possible reality for all of us. Even though Zach has been in remission for 7 days, it could change in a minute. Our loved ones chose to try that certain drug but they didn't choose to become drug addicts. It is so very sad!!! Their intention was not to hurt us.
Praying and BIG BIG HUG FOR YOU MY FRIEND
Paula
I think that letter is a possible reality for all of us. Even though Zach has been in remission for 7 days, it could change in a minute. Our loved ones chose to try that certain drug but they didn't choose to become drug addicts. It is so very sad!!! Their intention was not to hurt us.
Praying and BIG BIG HUG FOR YOU MY FRIEND
Paula
Lynn,, you are an amazingly kind soul. You show us what we need to see, with kindness and compassion. I am thankful to be a part of this group, thank you! Libby
this is so sad but its the harsh reality of what is happening every day to the people that are trapped in that terrible lifestyle. I am in recovery..finally lol, and I count my blessings and strive to stay sober. this past year, I've lost 5 really close friends and 1 family member to heroin overdoses. 2 of them past away in the same week..and none of them knew each other. it was a huge wake up call for me and really just confirmed it for me, it just takes that one time or even just one relapse after 2-3 years clean. its a very sad and terrible way to leave this earth and I pray every day for the addicts still out there, suffering. and I hope forums like this one, reach someone who is still in active and sheds some light on what this addiction is doing to us. we do recover and I know that if I can beat 10 years of using opiates and heroin, that others can do the same. and I promise you, if you want it bad enough..you'll do it.
peace & love.
peace & love.
heaven - I'm sorry for your losses. my son lost two of his friends last year. one was his best friend from high school who he knew for >10 years. it is heartbreaking.
That was so poignant and hits home.
Lynn you know we are always here for you. I can't even phathom what it's like to. I just know I am living with the uncertainly of my son's addiction every day.
It's in my mind can he do this, is he strong enough. Can you give in to authority which he hates, can he go to the meetings? I thought once he was in rehab it would ease now I am in a silent panic mode.
I want this for him so bad! and I want to be there to hold his hand to drag him to meetings, to make sure he has food, clothes. But I'm doing nothing. I'm letting god do his work. I feel helpless and hopeful.
It's a hard road we are on parents of addicts
Lynn you know we are always here for you. I can't even phathom what it's like to. I just know I am living with the uncertainly of my son's addiction every day.
It's in my mind can he do this, is he strong enough. Can you give in to authority which he hates, can he go to the meetings? I thought once he was in rehab it would ease now I am in a silent panic mode.
I want this for him so bad! and I want to be there to hold his hand to drag him to meetings, to make sure he has food, clothes. But I'm doing nothing. I'm letting god do his work. I feel helpless and hopeful.
It's a hard road we are on parents of addicts
Reading this made me cry waterfalls tonight. I just want her and other addicts well, as I know we all do. For those who have left this Earth, I am thankful they are no longer suffering. The addicts are going through hard times, too, and I know my pain, as the Mom of a 23 yo. addict daughter, is no more important or better than hers.
May all experience relief, respite, renewal on all levels.
With love,
Joy in Eugene, OR
May all experience relief, respite, renewal on all levels.
With love,
Joy in Eugene, OR
Lynn,
(just sending hugs) I'm having one of those days :) xxx
(just sending hugs) I'm having one of those days :) xxx
Don't know what's up Helpless . . . if you want, please share . . . regardless, here's a huge hug for you!!!
Lynn
oxox
Lynn
oxox
Thank you Lynn, I'm ok just a feeling of dread. Don't know what it is. It could be nothing, and I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop because he has never made it this far. Four months now, longest he has ever been sober. I did get some feedback that he was wanting to use but he went to dr so that help this time.
My heart wants it so bad, I know my son and I am not sure he can stop but for today he is sober. One moment of time.
xxxxx
My heart wants it so bad, I know my son and I am not sure he can stop but for today he is sober. One moment of time.
xxxxx
