Can't believe that I am going through all this denial stuff again. I am telling myself I haven't got a problem so what on earth am I doing going to NA meetings. I kind of know this is insanity, but it is going on nevertheless.
Tonight - xmas eve, I went to a meeting, which was great. Only thing is, addiction is really fighting. I don't feel like I am taking it seriously. Kinda feels like I'm nodding and agreeing how bad addiction is, whilst secretly wishing I could have some drugs!
After the meeting, I got home, shut the front door, drank a bottle and a half of pear juice to pretend to myself I was having a drink, and I anxiously clock watched - waiting for the off licence to shut because addiction was really hassling me.
It is like addiction is really really trying here to get me, and I am saying I haven't got a problem!!
What on earth is going on?!!! Why is it taking so long for me to overcome this denial?!!
I can't believe I am still posting about denial. Sorry about this everyone, you must be so fed up of my refusal to accept!! I have been sober and clean 22 months, but still can't fully admit I have a problem. I thought I had admitted it, but going to NA meetings has made the whole denial issue play itself out - again.
Hey Lacey, I'm not "fed up with your refusal to accept" that's something I struggled with too. I'm impressed with the progress you have made, you are taking recovery seriously. Hang in there, dont forget to take it,
one day at a time, Cookster
one day at a time, Cookster
Gidday Lacey
You have answered your question about why you are still in denial because you go on to admit that you havent really admitted to yourself that you have a problem.....Have you thought about a sponsor and maybe starting to do the steps with them so that you write down the damage and admit to god and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs etc
Chapter 3
More About Alcoholism ( AA Big Book)
MOST OF US have been unwillingto admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterised by countless vain attempts to prove that we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistance of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and woman who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensable demoralisation. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost there legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does ther appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there have been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse.
Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasnt done so yet..........Pg 30
Hope this helps Lacey, keep going to meetings and check out a sponsor:)
light and love Zac
You have answered your question about why you are still in denial because you go on to admit that you havent really admitted to yourself that you have a problem.....Have you thought about a sponsor and maybe starting to do the steps with them so that you write down the damage and admit to god and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs etc
Chapter 3
More About Alcoholism ( AA Big Book)
MOST OF US have been unwillingto admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterised by countless vain attempts to prove that we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistance of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and woman who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals-usually brief-were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensable demoralisation. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of we get worse, never better.
We are like men who have lost there legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does ther appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics of our kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there have been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse.
Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasnt done so yet..........Pg 30
Hope this helps Lacey, keep going to meetings and check out a sponsor:)
light and love Zac
White knuckling isn't the same as recovery, E. Acceptance is the key and locking yourself away from life isn't the same as working a healthy program. An old timer says (sometimes) that, "While you're in here working your recovery your addiction is out in the parking lot doing pushups..." Facing the Powerless and unmanageability of it is the step of being Honest with yourself. And the group is there BECAUSE you needn't do it alone. All of us need help. Shutting myself off from life was not an option, so facing my addiction head-on was the only way I could face the world. And I needed a Power Greater Than Myself to give me strength. Today, I'm sober because I go to meetings and work the Program.
And it works. You can do this--and your SELF and SOUL will blossom.
And it works. You can do this--and your SELF and SOUL will blossom.
Thankyou guys....thanks for the understanding. It is getting tedious this refusal to face reality. Zac, that passage you typed out there is just so so true. I needed to hear that this evening, it is spot on.
Addiction has been trying to persuade me that I need to relapse to prove whether I am an addict or not!! Ridiculous!! I am terrified of taking that first drink ........ I know what will happen ......... I don't want to go there - again. I can't. It would be devastating after everything I have built up, utterly devastating.
I went to a meeting today, well, yesterday now.... christmas day. It was humbling. I really desire to work this program and grow. Guess I'm entitled to cold feet at the start! But I do find it staggering how much my mind is trying to convince me I am loopy, dunno what I am doing, am making it all up, am not that sick, just want attention, will make a fool of myself. That bit Zac typed out though says it all about pursuing the delusion to the gates of insanity or death. It really is crazy.
If I wasn't an addict, what gets talked about in those rooms wouldn't make sense I guess, but everything rings so true and I can relate to it all.
The best thing is though - I do not feel judged in those rooms. I may have a twinge of paranoia or something, but it doesn't grow. The fellowship has really got something about it that I want to be part of. I'm so grateful to have found it.
Addiction has been trying to persuade me that I need to relapse to prove whether I am an addict or not!! Ridiculous!! I am terrified of taking that first drink ........ I know what will happen ......... I don't want to go there - again. I can't. It would be devastating after everything I have built up, utterly devastating.
I went to a meeting today, well, yesterday now.... christmas day. It was humbling. I really desire to work this program and grow. Guess I'm entitled to cold feet at the start! But I do find it staggering how much my mind is trying to convince me I am loopy, dunno what I am doing, am making it all up, am not that sick, just want attention, will make a fool of myself. That bit Zac typed out though says it all about pursuing the delusion to the gates of insanity or death. It really is crazy.
If I wasn't an addict, what gets talked about in those rooms wouldn't make sense I guess, but everything rings so true and I can relate to it all.
The best thing is though - I do not feel judged in those rooms. I may have a twinge of paranoia or something, but it doesn't grow. The fellowship has really got something about it that I want to be part of. I'm so grateful to have found it.
Oh, and yes, I have thought about a sponsor. I am sussing it out. I will do this!!
| QUOTE |
| But I do find it staggering how much my mind is trying to convince me I am loopy, dunno what I am doing, am making it all up, am not that sick, just want attention |
I have had all those thoughts too, wondered if I was just over reacting by calling my self an alcoholic. But like Zak's quote, every period of control was ended by a binge. I felt guilty about posting on this board because after all "I wasn't a real alcoholic, just needed to cut back a bit" I was somewhat taken aback when others believed that I was an alcoholic, I guess I expected them to deny that I was an alcolic too. (I am thankful now for all the feed back I got) Yet still the denial thing happens, it is confusing at times. I think maybe as we progress in recovery and regain the ability to function normally, that we start assume that we can deal with alcohol normally as well. Just because I am getting better at living without alcohol doesn't mean I am any better at dealing with alcohol that I have just swallowed.
Perhaps the price of getting better at living normally is to have to face the fact that these gains are (probably) not being matched by improvements in our ability to drink normally. I say probably because unless I try drinking I will never know for sure. However given my history it is very likely that I will get into trouble again, it's not worth the risk. For today anyway, I choose to take the advice of other alcoholics and give myself permission to be a non-drinker.
one day at a time, Cookster
Mmmm.... thanks Cookster. Knowing you have those kind of thoughts too definatley helps!! If we weren't alcoholics, we wouldn't be having the same symptoms if you know what I mean.
I guess overcoming this insane reasoning must be a big part of getting well. Addiction is telling me I am overdoing it because I didn't have to go into a detox centre so I can't be a real addict/alcoholic. Sanity would be immensly glad that my bottom wasn't that deep surely!!
I think not knowing any other way of life - apart from the 22 months I now have sober - also makes me think I can't really have addiction problems because that is just life; hammering loads of alcohol and drugs, being totally out of control, feeling ill all the time, getting beaten up, smashing my face up, having no money, staying up all night.... the list of dysfunction goes on. It is easy to forget how deeply unhappy I was too. My life was a complete toxic mess. That is not normal. God, I'm still doing it - trying to tell myself I was alcoholic!!
I guess with continued meetings it will sink in and step one will happen!! I didn't realise I was this stubborn!!
I guess overcoming this insane reasoning must be a big part of getting well. Addiction is telling me I am overdoing it because I didn't have to go into a detox centre so I can't be a real addict/alcoholic. Sanity would be immensly glad that my bottom wasn't that deep surely!!
I think not knowing any other way of life - apart from the 22 months I now have sober - also makes me think I can't really have addiction problems because that is just life; hammering loads of alcohol and drugs, being totally out of control, feeling ill all the time, getting beaten up, smashing my face up, having no money, staying up all night.... the list of dysfunction goes on. It is easy to forget how deeply unhappy I was too. My life was a complete toxic mess. That is not normal. God, I'm still doing it - trying to tell myself I was alcoholic!!
I guess with continued meetings it will sink in and step one will happen!! I didn't realise I was this stubborn!!
Lacey,
When I finally decided to work The Program I was six months sober. I'd developed my own sense of what recovery was, as well as what "My Program" was and what worked best for me. The admission part was easy enough, but nobody was going to tell me how to recover because I was "different." Still am--but when it comes to addictions, I'm similar to all the other addictive personalities out there. If it weren't alcohol, it'd be something else. There are so many designer drugs and ways to become addicted today that the ONLY thing having saved me from total self-annihilation is the knowledge that I am an addict. ANYTHING can trigger my obsessions and stinkin' thinkin'. Anything. Yep--even ICECREAM. Sugar.
The thing that keeps me from going back out there is playing the tape all the way through. Realizing that dwelling on addiction will take me right back to the darkness, misery, and the Four Horsemen. And the desire to make it all end in some easy way out.
Some wise person once said (in a meeting), "You'll stay sober when you find more reasons to be sober than to be drunk." This is why I need to cultivate an "Attitude of Gratitude," in my life--and it's why I'm so thankful for this program and the people who are part of my sober living day-to-day. I can't drink today, I can't take pills, I can't lie in a pool of saliva today. I need to be in recovery with the fellowship, gratefulness and serenity that I have found.
I wish this for you, too.
S
When I finally decided to work The Program I was six months sober. I'd developed my own sense of what recovery was, as well as what "My Program" was and what worked best for me. The admission part was easy enough, but nobody was going to tell me how to recover because I was "different." Still am--but when it comes to addictions, I'm similar to all the other addictive personalities out there. If it weren't alcohol, it'd be something else. There are so many designer drugs and ways to become addicted today that the ONLY thing having saved me from total self-annihilation is the knowledge that I am an addict. ANYTHING can trigger my obsessions and stinkin' thinkin'. Anything. Yep--even ICECREAM. Sugar.
The thing that keeps me from going back out there is playing the tape all the way through. Realizing that dwelling on addiction will take me right back to the darkness, misery, and the Four Horsemen. And the desire to make it all end in some easy way out.
Some wise person once said (in a meeting), "You'll stay sober when you find more reasons to be sober than to be drunk." This is why I need to cultivate an "Attitude of Gratitude," in my life--and it's why I'm so thankful for this program and the people who are part of my sober living day-to-day. I can't drink today, I can't take pills, I can't lie in a pool of saliva today. I need to be in recovery with the fellowship, gratefulness and serenity that I have found.
I wish this for you, too.
S
Lacey,
22 months is remarkable ! High Five ! So what are you doing in regards to self-care ? Are you being self-full today ? :-)
Take care dear one,
D
22 months is remarkable ! High Five ! So what are you doing in regards to self-care ? Are you being self-full today ? :-)
Take care dear one,
D
Lacey,
You are not alone! I was with a bunch of wine drinkers yesterday and guess what? My head was running the gamut of: would I be able to control and manage my drinking now or not? Wow, with a little over four years of sobriety, that stuff still pops up in my mind...but I can think that drink or drug all the way through now and where it takes me and where I will end up. I also have the opportunity to watch the drinkers progress through the day and night and witness the personality changes...their personality changes were slight, mine would be, well, let's just put it this way "not pretty"....you're doing great...your head is going off, but that's okay, just don't act on it...for me when I work with another alcoholic/addict, it gets me out of myself and I am able to shut that stuff up....great level of awareness for you. Have a great Wednesday!
You are not alone! I was with a bunch of wine drinkers yesterday and guess what? My head was running the gamut of: would I be able to control and manage my drinking now or not? Wow, with a little over four years of sobriety, that stuff still pops up in my mind...but I can think that drink or drug all the way through now and where it takes me and where I will end up. I also have the opportunity to watch the drinkers progress through the day and night and witness the personality changes...their personality changes were slight, mine would be, well, let's just put it this way "not pretty"....you're doing great...your head is going off, but that's okay, just don't act on it...for me when I work with another alcoholic/addict, it gets me out of myself and I am able to shut that stuff up....great level of awareness for you. Have a great Wednesday!
Hi Lacey,
You have had some excellent posts here! I'm feeling so much gratitude and hearing tons of wisdom. Do you have a Big Book? I think it would really help. Are there any step meetings in your area? I was going to suggest writing a first step, but you pretty much did that in your post on the 26th. Read your words again. Hey read this whole thread again it's a good one.
I think it's normal with so much sober time built up to get a bit squirmy. Plus your getting close to a big anniversary & the whole Holiday stuff makes people squirmy to. Listen closely to the Newcomers who walk in those rooms they will help you!
I remember asking this lady who had 15 yrs of sobriety at AA why did she need to still go to meetings. She told me that she needed maintainence. She gave me an example. When she dined out at restaurants and saw that the guests had left the table, yet the busser hadn't had a chance to clear off the plates and glasses. She would see glasses partially full of wine or pints partially full of beer and couldn't understand why thet were not empty. This is why she needed to keep going to meetings. Because she knew if those were her glasses they'd be empty.
Lacey you are doing fantastic! Allow yourself to know that it's normal from time to time to escape into denial. After all we are all human. It's progress not perfection!!! Remember this to shall pass!!! Look how magnificent it is that you havn't acted on it. You have tools in your tool recovery box. And you have added one more by going to meetings. Be nice to yourself because you are worth it!
Thankyou, For Keeping Me Sober. I Know Understand What SKG Is Talking About!
Love, Chris
You have had some excellent posts here! I'm feeling so much gratitude and hearing tons of wisdom. Do you have a Big Book? I think it would really help. Are there any step meetings in your area? I was going to suggest writing a first step, but you pretty much did that in your post on the 26th. Read your words again. Hey read this whole thread again it's a good one.
I think it's normal with so much sober time built up to get a bit squirmy. Plus your getting close to a big anniversary & the whole Holiday stuff makes people squirmy to. Listen closely to the Newcomers who walk in those rooms they will help you!
I remember asking this lady who had 15 yrs of sobriety at AA why did she need to still go to meetings. She told me that she needed maintainence. She gave me an example. When she dined out at restaurants and saw that the guests had left the table, yet the busser hadn't had a chance to clear off the plates and glasses. She would see glasses partially full of wine or pints partially full of beer and couldn't understand why thet were not empty. This is why she needed to keep going to meetings. Because she knew if those were her glasses they'd be empty.
Lacey you are doing fantastic! Allow yourself to know that it's normal from time to time to escape into denial. After all we are all human. It's progress not perfection!!! Remember this to shall pass!!! Look how magnificent it is that you havn't acted on it. You have tools in your tool recovery box. And you have added one more by going to meetings. Be nice to yourself because you are worth it!
Thankyou, For Keeping Me Sober. I Know Understand What SKG Is Talking About!
Love, Chris
Hi Lacey...
What a great recovery thread....
I, too, try to keep my last drunk close...see, I have a disease that tries to tell me that I don't and with it comes a great forgetter and it tries to convince me that I wasn't that bad or it'll be different this time...Christmas Eve, around 10:30pm, I was sitting on the couch, watching TV and just exhaling from all the business of the holidays, when a thought crossed my mind "hey, it'd be nice to get high" and I started laughing, "where'd that thought come from?"....I was overly tired and hungry...see, my disease tries all angles to get me sometimes and I need to keep my spirituality up, remember HALT and keep going to meetings to realize that I won't be cured, I won't graduate, I just get a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition and when those thoughts do pass through my head, I immediately go to my last drunk/detox and remember the incomprehensible demoralization that drinking and drugging always takes me too and I, too, have been told that I'm not responsible for the first thought that passes through me head, but I am responsible for the 2nd thought and for my actions.....
I'm grateful today for a clean & sober holiday and I'm also grateful that it is over and I can get back into my little routine called life....
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your ESH and thanks for helping me stay clean & sober today....
xoxo
Stacey
What a great recovery thread....
| QUOTE |
| The thing that keeps me from going back out there is playing the tape all the way through. Realizing that dwelling on addiction will take me right back to the darkness, misery, and the Four Horsemen. |
I, too, try to keep my last drunk close...see, I have a disease that tries to tell me that I don't and with it comes a great forgetter and it tries to convince me that I wasn't that bad or it'll be different this time...Christmas Eve, around 10:30pm, I was sitting on the couch, watching TV and just exhaling from all the business of the holidays, when a thought crossed my mind "hey, it'd be nice to get high" and I started laughing, "where'd that thought come from?"....I was overly tired and hungry...see, my disease tries all angles to get me sometimes and I need to keep my spirituality up, remember HALT and keep going to meetings to realize that I won't be cured, I won't graduate, I just get a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition and when those thoughts do pass through my head, I immediately go to my last drunk/detox and remember the incomprehensible demoralization that drinking and drugging always takes me too and I, too, have been told that I'm not responsible for the first thought that passes through me head, but I am responsible for the 2nd thought and for my actions.....
I'm grateful today for a clean & sober holiday and I'm also grateful that it is over and I can get back into my little routine called life....
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your ESH and thanks for helping me stay clean & sober today....
xoxo
Stacey
I just wanted to share it sure feels amazing this year to not be drunk, hung over, angry, guilty, ashamed, depressed or lacking sleep....
I do believe this is what some folks call "peace"
Cool beans.....as Bryn would say....
I do believe this is what some folks call "peace"
Cool beans.....as Bryn would say....
Coo... great replies. Dya know what - VW - I was really pleased (?!) when you said that your mind ran over the possibility of you being able to have a drink. Knowing you have four years clean and sober, but still thought that really helped - thanks!
I guess I am really learning about this addiction thing now, and the way it works.
To answer your question about what I have done to take care of myself lately WW, well, that was a tough one. I have been getting dysfunctional. Work has dropped off and without it I have discovered I am back on a slippery slope: staying up all night, sleeping all day, not cooking good food, eating crap, getting lazy, hanging out with people drinking and doing drugs. Then there is christmas happening. It has crept up on me and don't you know it, it ends up with me wanting drink and drugs. I guess not taking any has been great self care!!
NA meetings have appeared in my life at SO the right time!! I love them. They have kept me stable when the potential for relapse has been ripe. In fact, went to the cinema today with a few of the guys. I have only known them a week but feel so comfortable with them that going out was second nature. I could never of done that with a group of new normal people!! We went to a pool hall thing afterwards, there was a bar there. One by one we all ordered a glass of pop, and boy was that just something else!! What a novel experience!! And what a truly amazing one - four addicts out together having a good time - drinking soft drinks and talking. WOW!! I love it.
As for the denial; I think the meetings are helping me come to terms with it. Listening and identifying with what people are saying and feeling so comfortable with these people, seems to be causing a shift in me. I feel like I am making real contact with other human beings for the first time ever. I was craving company, and found it, but it was still around alcohol and drug takers. Finding company around sober and clean people is just amazing and healthy. I am creating a different life and not putting myself in vulnerable situations where the thoughts of using are allowed to creep in. With these NA guys we talk about recovery and healing ourselves, rather than talking about getting wasted. It did feel awkward at first when I was around people again and talk was alot of getting drunk and what not. I suppose I started getting used to it, and very possibly would have picked up again. But no, I saved myself before it happened actually. My family were all getting the vibes that I was heading to relapse as well I learnt the other day.
I now realise how important it is to never forget where you came from.
Oh, Chris; yes I have the big book, and I think there is a step meeting on Sundays. Hopefully a sponsor will become known to me or however I will find them and I can start. There is alot of NA literature about it actually that I must get hold of. The main text is on the way to me as we speak. The step program one is the next to invest in. Thanks for the nudge, I will check that out now!!
I've gone on a bit tonight, soz!!
I guess I am really learning about this addiction thing now, and the way it works.
To answer your question about what I have done to take care of myself lately WW, well, that was a tough one. I have been getting dysfunctional. Work has dropped off and without it I have discovered I am back on a slippery slope: staying up all night, sleeping all day, not cooking good food, eating crap, getting lazy, hanging out with people drinking and doing drugs. Then there is christmas happening. It has crept up on me and don't you know it, it ends up with me wanting drink and drugs. I guess not taking any has been great self care!!
NA meetings have appeared in my life at SO the right time!! I love them. They have kept me stable when the potential for relapse has been ripe. In fact, went to the cinema today with a few of the guys. I have only known them a week but feel so comfortable with them that going out was second nature. I could never of done that with a group of new normal people!! We went to a pool hall thing afterwards, there was a bar there. One by one we all ordered a glass of pop, and boy was that just something else!! What a novel experience!! And what a truly amazing one - four addicts out together having a good time - drinking soft drinks and talking. WOW!! I love it.
As for the denial; I think the meetings are helping me come to terms with it. Listening and identifying with what people are saying and feeling so comfortable with these people, seems to be causing a shift in me. I feel like I am making real contact with other human beings for the first time ever. I was craving company, and found it, but it was still around alcohol and drug takers. Finding company around sober and clean people is just amazing and healthy. I am creating a different life and not putting myself in vulnerable situations where the thoughts of using are allowed to creep in. With these NA guys we talk about recovery and healing ourselves, rather than talking about getting wasted. It did feel awkward at first when I was around people again and talk was alot of getting drunk and what not. I suppose I started getting used to it, and very possibly would have picked up again. But no, I saved myself before it happened actually. My family were all getting the vibes that I was heading to relapse as well I learnt the other day.
I now realise how important it is to never forget where you came from.
Oh, Chris; yes I have the big book, and I think there is a step meeting on Sundays. Hopefully a sponsor will become known to me or however I will find them and I can start. There is alot of NA literature about it actually that I must get hold of. The main text is on the way to me as we speak. The step program one is the next to invest in. Thanks for the nudge, I will check that out now!!
I've gone on a bit tonight, soz!!
Where am i........aaawww F it...im alive, ive done it again, ive lived, this is not my house , this is not my wife, awwww F--k shes put hickeys on me jesus am i in the shi@t or what yuck ive pissed by the bed and where are my undies...oh yeah i sh@t em last night...what day is it aww hell work....what time is it mmmm 11:00am the bars open F it im in the sh@t i might as well do it good and proper a beer will fix it yeah and i might even get the courage to die tonight
This was my reality day after day untill the 26th of March 1996 i woke up from a bender thinking all of the above and realising i was a failure at drinking and living and i wanted to die not because i was getting in trouble but because i was a failure at drinking and all the rest was just part and parcel of being a failure at the most important part of my life.....drinking
Then i realised wanted to live because basically you get F all attention when you are dead and i still needed attention when i was sober....so started a journey of hardball for the first two months, i even had it worked out how i could pretend to be mad and get locked up ( i was prepared to eat my own excrement) and i would be looked after and i could break out and get drunk and just play the mad card mmmmmm.....Then luckily i was sent to a place where i walked into a room an AA meeting seen all the banners and thought who can i kill these are all religeous Fa's then someone spoke and that was the moment God stopped carrying me and i landed and for once i belonged somewhere...(crying) ...i belonged for once i belonged and since that day i have been grateful and i will forever be grateful and yes sh@t still does happen but i am still gratefull because i belong and i do not want to die, or drink or build myself up to drinking by listening to the sh@t in negative part of my head if i allow it mind space and 5 seconds in there can be my death sentence.
I am 11 years and 9 months sober and i still case a pub out when i go there i know who wants what and how to get it if i want it and 5 seconds as i have said is all it would take....I am an alcoholic i see a half full glass left on a bar i think what a waste i love the stuff BUT i am allergic to it because when i drink i want to die and even though i havent had a drink for so long it (the disease) is progressive and has kept pace with my recovery ever patient and waiting for me to want to die, i do not want to see if i can drink normally because i crossed that line the day i had my first drink and realised that i had found my comfy and then it turned on me and wanted me to die......am i insane yes if i drink
Deep down each and everyone of us knows that we are or are not alcoholics or addicts, the addict in doesnt believe there is a problem because it is addicted all i have to do is acknowledge that every day and be gratefull that god carried me to that meeting......PLEASE to anyone who wants to be sober and find that belonging give meetings a go (you there Jonsey) i too was aloner because my fear only left when i was drunk, and sober i didnt want to face the reality of everyday soberness it was to abnormal for a mind that just wants to be pissed,
Put as much effort into recovery as you would a drink or a drug and that i mean the physical, mental, emotional and spirirtual effort as well, i have travelled half a world just to drink and escape......all the hours that are spent drinkin thinkin start turning that around and go to meetings, read all these threads, talk, get a sponsor, talk, listen, talk, live, love and be the person you are meant to be
No one can ever go on too much about recovery because all of your experience, strength and hope (E.S.H) even the ones still drinking provides me with the gratitude and belonging i need and for that i am truely grateful.
Light and love Zac
This was my reality day after day untill the 26th of March 1996 i woke up from a bender thinking all of the above and realising i was a failure at drinking and living and i wanted to die not because i was getting in trouble but because i was a failure at drinking and all the rest was just part and parcel of being a failure at the most important part of my life.....drinking
Then i realised wanted to live because basically you get F all attention when you are dead and i still needed attention when i was sober....so started a journey of hardball for the first two months, i even had it worked out how i could pretend to be mad and get locked up ( i was prepared to eat my own excrement) and i would be looked after and i could break out and get drunk and just play the mad card mmmmmm.....Then luckily i was sent to a place where i walked into a room an AA meeting seen all the banners and thought who can i kill these are all religeous Fa's then someone spoke and that was the moment God stopped carrying me and i landed and for once i belonged somewhere...(crying) ...i belonged for once i belonged and since that day i have been grateful and i will forever be grateful and yes sh@t still does happen but i am still gratefull because i belong and i do not want to die, or drink or build myself up to drinking by listening to the sh@t in negative part of my head if i allow it mind space and 5 seconds in there can be my death sentence.
I am 11 years and 9 months sober and i still case a pub out when i go there i know who wants what and how to get it if i want it and 5 seconds as i have said is all it would take....I am an alcoholic i see a half full glass left on a bar i think what a waste i love the stuff BUT i am allergic to it because when i drink i want to die and even though i havent had a drink for so long it (the disease) is progressive and has kept pace with my recovery ever patient and waiting for me to want to die, i do not want to see if i can drink normally because i crossed that line the day i had my first drink and realised that i had found my comfy and then it turned on me and wanted me to die......am i insane yes if i drink
Deep down each and everyone of us knows that we are or are not alcoholics or addicts, the addict in doesnt believe there is a problem because it is addicted all i have to do is acknowledge that every day and be gratefull that god carried me to that meeting......PLEASE to anyone who wants to be sober and find that belonging give meetings a go (you there Jonsey) i too was aloner because my fear only left when i was drunk, and sober i didnt want to face the reality of everyday soberness it was to abnormal for a mind that just wants to be pissed,
Put as much effort into recovery as you would a drink or a drug and that i mean the physical, mental, emotional and spirirtual effort as well, i have travelled half a world just to drink and escape......all the hours that are spent drinkin thinkin start turning that around and go to meetings, read all these threads, talk, get a sponsor, talk, listen, talk, live, love and be the person you are meant to be
No one can ever go on too much about recovery because all of your experience, strength and hope (E.S.H) even the ones still drinking provides me with the gratitude and belonging i need and for that i am truely grateful.
Light and love Zac
Hi Zac,
I've known you all of my sobriety and you keep me gratetful. Thank you.
I've known you all of my sobriety and you keep me gratetful. Thank you.
Wow, Zac, that is a really powerful and deeply meaningful post. Thankyou for telling me that stuff. Thankyou for telling me that I can't ever be complacent with this thing because it will plot and plan at every turn to have me dead. I was dicing with death in active addiction; that for me is where addiction will lead me if I let it.
Thanks again, it's sinking in on a deeper level I think that yes, I am an addict.
Thanks again, it's sinking in on a deeper level I think that yes, I am an addict.
Well, this thread go's into the Recovery Hall Of Fame!
Zac, I'm expecting a best seller on recovery out of you this coming New Year!
Everyones in put has made this alkie a very humble and grateful alcoholic.
Thankyou!
In the beginning drinking was fun and a recreation of sorts. But when I reflect back to when my drinking began around the age of 14, I was drinking like an alcoholic even then. Then it became a comfy like you said Zac. I could escape my pain and lonliness. Then it turned on me! And I wanted to die to. Drinking wasn't fun or comfy anymore! The drinking became a rage then severe depression. Flipping between fits of screaming and crying.
"I was a failure at drinking and living." " I was a failure at the most important thing in my life drinking." How did alcohol become more important then my children? It was my dream to be a Mom. Well the good news is thru counseling I've gotten to the root problems and I'm not stuck there anymore.
For myself I beleive only God knew when I would be ready to move out of the fear of denial about my life, about why I was drinking myself to death. Give me the courage to reach out and ask for help. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He has placed people in my life to help me on my journey into recovery. I believe that he brought me here to this site as this was the beginning the first step into recovery fo me. God has changed my focus on wanting to live more then wanting to die. Imagine that after all alcohol depresses the central nervous system.
If I don't accept the fact that I'm an Alcoholic I'm dead. What's more important for me is that I know I am. I need to never forget that! So what am I going to do about it. This is where I was stuck for awhile. I had to learn to love me again. I had forgotton how to do that. I was so busy always taken care of others I built up those resentments. Yep, I drank over that too. Wow what great reward that was. I look back now and think I could have had a yummy coffee or a new sweater, or gone swimming or had my hair done, go to the movies, etc. I'm just beginning to live again. I can't tell you how much I love Pumpkin Latte's at Starbucks.
You guys here on the board have showed me what it's like to be alive and sober. I don't go to AA anymore. I only have two girlfriends that I rarely ever talk to and even more rare if I see them once or twice a yr. I'm a housewife. The drinking became so severe it kept me isolated and I haven't worked for 5 yrs. So, besides this new support group at Church that I found a month ago and my hubby and 2 daughters, whom I try not to involve alot, you guys are my support. And I want you to know that I love and appreciate you. I hope that you know how grateful I am for your ESH. And if I choose to spend a couple of bucks this coming New Year on the Lottery & Win. Well, were all going to meet if you want and have a great sober vacation. Full Spa package included!
After 42 days of not drinking and being on my moodstabilizer & the beta blocker to slow my heart rate down I have very little physical anxiety. Which I do beleive before was contributing to my continued drinking.This is whats helped me to move past denial and stay sober just for today. I am not pissed off at the world anymore. I pray, I keep seeking, Your posts, your wisdom, my desire to get over things heal move on. Out patient rehab last spring/summer, a great therapist, my memories of AA, my desire, my action, my family and a God in Heaven who loves me and wants me to be a happy and healthy person so I can be a blessing to others. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to make everybody happy.
I beleive this is going to be my best New Year !
Have a wonderful sober day!
Zac, I'm expecting a best seller on recovery out of you this coming New Year!
Everyones in put has made this alkie a very humble and grateful alcoholic.
Thankyou!
In the beginning drinking was fun and a recreation of sorts. But when I reflect back to when my drinking began around the age of 14, I was drinking like an alcoholic even then. Then it became a comfy like you said Zac. I could escape my pain and lonliness. Then it turned on me! And I wanted to die to. Drinking wasn't fun or comfy anymore! The drinking became a rage then severe depression. Flipping between fits of screaming and crying.
"I was a failure at drinking and living." " I was a failure at the most important thing in my life drinking." How did alcohol become more important then my children? It was my dream to be a Mom. Well the good news is thru counseling I've gotten to the root problems and I'm not stuck there anymore.
For myself I beleive only God knew when I would be ready to move out of the fear of denial about my life, about why I was drinking myself to death. Give me the courage to reach out and ask for help. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He has placed people in my life to help me on my journey into recovery. I believe that he brought me here to this site as this was the beginning the first step into recovery fo me. God has changed my focus on wanting to live more then wanting to die. Imagine that after all alcohol depresses the central nervous system.
If I don't accept the fact that I'm an Alcoholic I'm dead. What's more important for me is that I know I am. I need to never forget that! So what am I going to do about it. This is where I was stuck for awhile. I had to learn to love me again. I had forgotton how to do that. I was so busy always taken care of others I built up those resentments. Yep, I drank over that too. Wow what great reward that was. I look back now and think I could have had a yummy coffee or a new sweater, or gone swimming or had my hair done, go to the movies, etc. I'm just beginning to live again. I can't tell you how much I love Pumpkin Latte's at Starbucks.
You guys here on the board have showed me what it's like to be alive and sober. I don't go to AA anymore. I only have two girlfriends that I rarely ever talk to and even more rare if I see them once or twice a yr. I'm a housewife. The drinking became so severe it kept me isolated and I haven't worked for 5 yrs. So, besides this new support group at Church that I found a month ago and my hubby and 2 daughters, whom I try not to involve alot, you guys are my support. And I want you to know that I love and appreciate you. I hope that you know how grateful I am for your ESH. And if I choose to spend a couple of bucks this coming New Year on the Lottery & Win. Well, were all going to meet if you want and have a great sober vacation. Full Spa package included!
After 42 days of not drinking and being on my moodstabilizer & the beta blocker to slow my heart rate down I have very little physical anxiety. Which I do beleive before was contributing to my continued drinking.This is whats helped me to move past denial and stay sober just for today. I am not pissed off at the world anymore. I pray, I keep seeking, Your posts, your wisdom, my desire to get over things heal move on. Out patient rehab last spring/summer, a great therapist, my memories of AA, my desire, my action, my family and a God in Heaven who loves me and wants me to be a happy and healthy person so I can be a blessing to others. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to make everybody happy.
I beleive this is going to be my best New Year !
Have a wonderful sober day!
Love this thread, wow our Higher Powers are full of grace for all of us, we are blessed! These are two things that I am grateful that I do not have to experience today as long as I do not pick up a drink and snort a sh@t load of coke:
1) Passing out sometime during the day, coming to, and wondering if it's the next day, the night or what???? Oh, and where did I hide my stash?
2) Waiting outside the grocery store from 5:56 am until it opens at 6:00 am (the longest minutes of my life), to be able to get in there to quell the withdrawals and then throw the Gallo wine and cheap-a@@ vodka in the cart with some TP, cereal, laundry detergent, etc ~ so that the Checker won't think I'm a drunk!
Make it a great day everyone!
1) Passing out sometime during the day, coming to, and wondering if it's the next day, the night or what???? Oh, and where did I hide my stash?
2) Waiting outside the grocery store from 5:56 am until it opens at 6:00 am (the longest minutes of my life), to be able to get in there to quell the withdrawals and then throw the Gallo wine and cheap-a@@ vodka in the cart with some TP, cereal, laundry detergent, etc ~ so that the Checker won't think I'm a drunk!
Make it a great day everyone!
