Hi
First time to the site. My husband and I have been married 20 years. We have a business, a 13 year old and for about 15 years of our marriage my husband has been actively addicted to something. Booze, sleeping pills and now Oxy. The pattern is always the same with him slowly distancing himself, lying, acting like the victim until finally putting our business at risk. I gave up my career to start the business with him, but he is the business and if he self implodes my son and I go down with him. If I had the financial means I would leave but I can't do that to my boy and now that I am over 50 and have been so long out of my field I can't get a job that could support us. About 6 years ago he got himself clean and we started finding our way back to our marriage and our dreams, and then he had knee surgery two years ago and his doctor gave him Oxy. Now we are here. I have looked at the site and realize that I am probably enabling him but I have a deep fear that he will bottom out and ruin all our lives in the process. I do not sweet talk him, I am clear to him that he is an addict and needs to take responsibility. I also don't lie for him unless it is related to the business, so his grown children know, close friends know. He gets angry with me but I just want him to take responsibility. It is like he is living in his own little world where he is the centre. Every time I go away to a friends for a weekend he pills up and phones me in this trauma drama and I am forced to get home and cover so we don't lose contracts. This time my son was with me and is so angry with his father. I was honest with him and my husband is upset with me for telling our son the truth but I am tired of it all. Feeling trapped like I want to gnaw my arm off and over the past years have looked at ways to try to get out without it adversely impacting my son. But here I am again. My husbands brother od'ed on his 17 year old daughters couch so there is a family history. You would think that would be a cautionary tale but my husband gets pissed whenever I compare him to his brother. Let this be a cautionary tale to any young wives out there married to an addict. Get out while you are young enough to make it on your own. Don't wait until your options are dwindled down to nothing. If I knew now what I have had to put with I would have left years ago. And my husband has never physically or verbally been abusive. He is a kind man and a hard worker but that isn't enough. Booze and pills become the other woman. They will always love her more than you And she will always be lurking around your marriage.
Dear CMAX,
Your story mirrors the one my closest friend had to endure. She found hope in Al Anon, and there is a related group called NAR Anon.
I know hundreds of people who cite these groups for re-gaining their sanity and finding a way to enjoy life on life's terms.
If you are a faith-based person, many churches offer support groups.
Please don't try to manage this on your own - you have struggled long enough. I would consider a teen group for your child.
Good luck,
Flyboy
Your story mirrors the one my closest friend had to endure. She found hope in Al Anon, and there is a related group called NAR Anon.
I know hundreds of people who cite these groups for re-gaining their sanity and finding a way to enjoy life on life's terms.
If you are a faith-based person, many churches offer support groups.
Please don't try to manage this on your own - you have struggled long enough. I would consider a teen group for your child.
Good luck,
Flyboy
Hi Flyboy,
Thank you for your post. As it happens, I just spoke to my son about getting him into counselling just before I looked at your post. I know that I sound angry, and my husband accuses me of being a alpha person trying to control everything, and I totally agreed with him. Ever since I realized he was out of control, I felt I had to take charge, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it has changed everything about our relationship. It is hard to live with someone who you can't trust and can take you down with them in a matter of days. It saddens me so much as I suspect, if I left him, he would sink to the bottom and possibly end up like his brother, dead or far away from his family living some kind of half life. I guess, I am in many ways similar to him, in the sense that I think I can tough it out by myself. I did try Alanon meeting once, but I didn't find it too helpful as there was no suggestions, just stories and I have so many of my own. At different times, we both went to a church and for awhile that helped. However, everything only helps until the next time. I guess I will continue to take it one day at a time and keep praying that he will wake up and truly see he is only living a partial life, and has wasted so much of his own. It helps to post, and it truly helps to know that someone out there takes a few minutes to care.
Thank you for your post. As it happens, I just spoke to my son about getting him into counselling just before I looked at your post. I know that I sound angry, and my husband accuses me of being a alpha person trying to control everything, and I totally agreed with him. Ever since I realized he was out of control, I felt I had to take charge, always waiting for the other shoe to drop and it has changed everything about our relationship. It is hard to live with someone who you can't trust and can take you down with them in a matter of days. It saddens me so much as I suspect, if I left him, he would sink to the bottom and possibly end up like his brother, dead or far away from his family living some kind of half life. I guess, I am in many ways similar to him, in the sense that I think I can tough it out by myself. I did try Alanon meeting once, but I didn't find it too helpful as there was no suggestions, just stories and I have so many of my own. At different times, we both went to a church and for awhile that helped. However, everything only helps until the next time. I guess I will continue to take it one day at a time and keep praying that he will wake up and truly see he is only living a partial life, and has wasted so much of his own. It helps to post, and it truly helps to know that someone out there takes a few minutes to care.
Dear cmax,
There is a lot of variability in meetings - they are as good or bad as the people who attend. There is no universal method of running a meeting. The Al Anon and NAR Anon programs as based on broad ideas, and they purposely avoid top-down organization. In other words, I hope you will keep an open mind on getting into a similar program. The temptation is to think, "I will attend some meetings, get the tools I need, and then 'presto' everything is better". The program is a lifelong one - learning to live a day at a time. Getting a sponsor will help.
Regardless of how the addict is doing, you need to take care of yourself as job #1. Right now, your everyday "ups and downs" are dependent on how the addict is doing. This is to be expected because you love him and care for his future. A good recovery program will help with this dilemma through "loving via detachment".
A common threat from an addict is, "if you leave, then you might as well start planning for my funeral". This is a common form of blackmail. Again, it takes some training to know how to handle this.
As you are probably already aware, addiction is a disease. It is progressive and fatal if left untreated. The first marker of addiction is denial - as to the problem, the extent of the problem, or the notion the addict can "kick the habit" using will power. A succesful recovery looks something like this: Get through detox, perhaps 30-90 days in a treatment center, post treatment counseling, 90 meetings in the first 90 days after this, reading the literature, getting a sponsor, performing service work, working the steps, -- and keep "rinsing and repeating". Addicts always try a "half measure" and may enjoy temperary success. Half measures don't work. The succesful recovery involves committing to the program of recovery with complete abandon. The only thing the addict needs to change is everything.
I hope you'll message back. I have a fair amount of experience - both with addiction & recovery, as well as the codepedent side.
Fly
There is a lot of variability in meetings - they are as good or bad as the people who attend. There is no universal method of running a meeting. The Al Anon and NAR Anon programs as based on broad ideas, and they purposely avoid top-down organization. In other words, I hope you will keep an open mind on getting into a similar program. The temptation is to think, "I will attend some meetings, get the tools I need, and then 'presto' everything is better". The program is a lifelong one - learning to live a day at a time. Getting a sponsor will help.
Regardless of how the addict is doing, you need to take care of yourself as job #1. Right now, your everyday "ups and downs" are dependent on how the addict is doing. This is to be expected because you love him and care for his future. A good recovery program will help with this dilemma through "loving via detachment".
A common threat from an addict is, "if you leave, then you might as well start planning for my funeral". This is a common form of blackmail. Again, it takes some training to know how to handle this.
As you are probably already aware, addiction is a disease. It is progressive and fatal if left untreated. The first marker of addiction is denial - as to the problem, the extent of the problem, or the notion the addict can "kick the habit" using will power. A succesful recovery looks something like this: Get through detox, perhaps 30-90 days in a treatment center, post treatment counseling, 90 meetings in the first 90 days after this, reading the literature, getting a sponsor, performing service work, working the steps, -- and keep "rinsing and repeating". Addicts always try a "half measure" and may enjoy temperary success. Half measures don't work. The succesful recovery involves committing to the program of recovery with complete abandon. The only thing the addict needs to change is everything.
I hope you'll message back. I have a fair amount of experience - both with addiction & recovery, as well as the codepedent side.
Fly
