Desperate Mom Seeking Help For Son

My son is 15 years of age. His 18 year old brother found him today putting paint in a bag and breathing in the fumes. He is the youngest of four, and he has watched his older siblings struggle with their own addictions. I have tried everything from tough love to smother with love. My hands are tied and I don't know what I can do.
DEAR DESPARATE MOM, I REALLY FEEL YOUR PAIN AND THE BEST ADVICE I CAN THINK TO GIVE IS GO TO ALANON.. UNTIL YOUR SON GOES THRU SOME REAL TUFF LIFE LEASONS WITH THESE DRUGS, HE PROBABLY WILL CONTINUE TO EXPERIMENT.. IF IT IS TRUE ADDICTION ON HIS PART, HE WILL NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE HE CARES ABOUT,HE WILL HAVE TO LEARN THE HARD WAY.. JAIL, INSTUTIONS, COURT,ECT.. THEY BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS LEARN HOW TO GIVE HIM TUFF LOVE AND BE THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE DOES FALL, UNTIL THEM YOU NEED THE HELP.. GOOD-LUCK LET ME KNOW HOW YOUR MEETING GOES.. SUSAN
Thank You SuzieQ,
I will take your advice. I have been through this with my son's older siblings and placed all the blame on myself. I have always sought help for them and didn't even think to find help for myself. God bless.
Hello Mom,
There are many things you can do. First of all let me say that I work at a Special Education school. We have autistic students, Emotionaly disturbed students and a student who is now at our school due to inhaling things like paint and other household items. That is so sad that he is there because of his drug use and he is at the most 17 yrs old. Doesn't that scare you? This is alot of my motivation to be doing what I am doing with my son. He is 17 and doing drugs and being very irresponsible. Since your son is 15 you still have some years to plant seeds in his mind. Do not give up on him or the rest of your kids. I know at times you feel helpless and hopeless but stay strong. Make phone calls to local drug rehabs, youth centers, his school, police stations, narcotics anonymous, and really you can find many, many resources here on this site. You have to do all you can. There are many resources you just have to open up a phone book and look for resources or even crisis lines. Right now I am at a point where I have done all of these things and am doing a bit of tough love. I will not let my son be in my home if he does not go to school on any particular day or if he raises his voice, out he goes. What I believe is a good thing is to put him in a rehab where he cannot leave. I don't know where you live however you can get information from parole officers and probations officers even your local child protective services.
Please keep me posted on what is going on. If you let me know where you are at I can try to find some resources for you.
Stay at this site. Read some of the postings. I know you will find some resources here.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Cathy
DEAR MOM, AFTER READING CATHY'S REPLY, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW RIGHT SHE IS, I KNOW MY ADVICE WAS TO GET YOURSELF HELP BUT SHE IS SO RIGHT.. LET US ALL KNOW HOW IT IS GOING. SUSAN
I totally agree with what Cathy has advised you. It is so important to get help for your son as soon as possible because what these youngsters do not realise is that each time they inhale any noxious gases - they end up killing off major brain cells and not enough is made known about this practise in the press yet about just how many brain damaged children end up in special schools or far worse - they even face brain and then organ/body death.

It is an unbelievably dangerous practise so don't waste any time to force your young son into treatment!

Wishing you strength and recovery for him.
I want to thank all of you for your advice. I looked up an Al-anon meeting and learned several large words such as enabeling, co-dependent and so many others. I did some crying over the weekend as well as some inner searching. I have learned that my 15 year has fallen to the way-side because of my determination to help my older children. I was told that I have taken on too much responsibility and have not given my adult children the chance to be responsible for themselves. I was told that I am not the only person who feels this way, and that I wont be the last. My 15 year old son is in JV football at his school. I was advised to get in touch with his counselor at the school. The authorities are unable to do anything to help me until my son is either caught doing his drug of choice or is under the influence. I had some enlightenment that seemed to put a small light at the end of this very dark tunnel. At the same time I was told that I had to let go. That I was not the one in control. Sometimes I just wish they could see how much I love them and how much this is hurting my heart. I hope someday they will see and maybe understand. I am going to continue to talk to my 15 year old and keep active considering I missed out on the pro-active.
Dear Mom,
In reading your last post I can understand how some people would say to just let go. As a mother, those words do not live in my vocabulary. I completely understand if you have done all you can for your older children. For them you just neet to make sure you have pointed them in the right direction but continue to let them know you love them. I know again as a mother when you have done so much you don't know what else to do. In terms of the older ones you just have to pray they will one day come to know that the things you have told them come to light in their hearts and minds. For your younger one, you cannot let go. I too have a 15 year old who is now going to be a father. You see, the crap never ends. However...........even though he knew the consequences of his actions and now is going to be a father, I still have the responsibility of showing him the right way. I too cry at night and pray every night for GOD to watch over my children and to let them make it home safely. I am in your shoes. With five children, two of them using drugs, having sex, everyday brings something new and unfortunately not anything good. My only daughter has their example to see and that in itself is a fight to keep her on track. I completely feel your pain. You just love them so much and it hurts because none of your words reach them. I just keep going. I continue to stay in their business, call their friends parents to let all know what they are up too. I always tell my kids that I am ALL KNOWING! Nothing they do can get past me. You see what they don't know is that I have all of their friends numbers. Everytime someone calls them I write the numbers in my secret book. I just stay nosey!
Coming to this site has helped me tremendously. You will know when you have had enough and the fight in you is dwindling away. For me, in some circumstances I can only hope that what I drill in them daily, that they will soon come to see the light.
Stay strong and go to your meetings and keep coming back here. My thoughts are with you.

Cathy
Cathy,
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I received a call from my 17 year old daughter yesturday. She said she is ready to come home. To be honest I am extremely scared of what may happen, but I told her that her room is ready. As for my 15 year old, his step-dad and I are staying on top of everything. We found a pop can in his room that he was using to smoke weed with. Instead of getting angry and not saying anything, we discussed it with our son. I told him that for all he has worked so hard for will be gone in an instant if he doesn't stop. Right now football is his main goal. So we focus on how drugs will interfer with him playing football. Last night was very difficult for me because the weather has turned cold in the area I am in, and I have an 18 year old who is homeless. I haven't heard from him in 2 days and it tears me up inside. I spoke with my youngest son about this to get him to see what happens when addictions take over your life. Reading your responses has been a tremendous help for me. I thought and felt very much alone with my family's troubles problems. Thank you for being there. I feel through your words that you must be the stongest woman I have ever met.
Hello Mom,
Thank you for your reply. It touched my heart to read your words. You too have given me encouragement. I can understand the uneasy feeling of having your daughter come home. When my boys come to spend the night, it can be crazy at home due to the fact that they are always on the run, in and out of the house. Well, I have to tell them that they are welcome to stay however they must be in at a certain hour and to pick up after themselves and do a chore or they cannot stay. My husband (their step-dad) and I run a somewhat tight household. They say we are treating them like babies because of the rules at home. I've gotten to the point to where I just can't give in any longer. I too have smothered them with love and I still continue to do so but my rules stand now. I have reached a turning point in my way of dealing with them. You will too. I used to think that my kids would always show me respect and love but it hurts because that is not the case with my oldest (17yrs). What I hold on to now are the things I have instilled in them. Love and respect. I don't see it anywhere with my oldest but do still see it in my other boy. He actually just turned 16 but for the most part he always tells me he loves me and hugs me. I love that. I just keep telling myself that my son will grow out of whatever he is doing. Thank GOD that he is not doing crystal anymore but his attitude is bad. It's harder for me because his real dad who he lives with just gives in to him. Pays his tickets, gives him money and does not give him a curfew. I can only say that no matter what, I may stop doing so much for him but I will never stop completely because it would hurt me more to do that and be always saying that "I could have done more". I have learned through this site to take care of myself too. It's hard to level it out when you feel you need to do more for your child (who doesn't care) or take a minute for yourself.
I wish you happiness today Mom.

Cathy
I called my sons football coach and asked him to give him a call and try to encourage him in some way to be productive either lifting off season or just hanging around the gym for some support. Ask anyone that he looks to as authority and respects. I too am a mother and its' the hardest thing I have ever done or experienced. Let meknow how it's going. Try to keep the anger and frustration as minimal as possible. I started sleeping with my son for those restless nights and that is when he is the most open and honest. Not great for the marriage, but my Hubby knew we had to start somewhere.

Try a drug test from local pharmacy to make sure of what all you are dealing with. I did that as well.
turtle17@zoominternet.net
Hello mom, your not alone, i myself have a 19yr son who started trying different thnigs form sniffing glue/petrol,taking every drug you can name(and i mean every drug)he started when he was about 11/12,it all began when he was being bullied at school,
yes we had all the help we could get,social ser,police,but not from the school , the boys in question were as the teacher called them (clever )boys and would not do that it was only when the police stepped in that they took any notice.
Now 7yrs later he is still going down that slippy road and i myself blamed ME i still help him, I could go on but i just want you to know that i know what its like. so if you need to talk
For the Loving Mother who wants to help her son.
Your son is not going to receive help or want anyones help unless he sees that he has a problem. And only when he is ready, is he going to make the change to get better. My advice to you is this. Closely watch the other children he hangs out with, what circles is he moving in, who his close friends are. If you do not know this, find out. The more involved you are with you sons' life, friends, etc. the better. Ultimatelly you are the mother, so you have to put your foot down on certain things. If he feels you are being too hard on him, too bad. You are doing out of love and his safety. I saw the suggestion of bringing him to alanon but if it is not an alcolhol related problem, you might do better finding a good N/A group (narcotics anonmymos) Good luck
I too am a mother of a 15 year old who is diagnosed as an addict/dependent. I have been in contact with 27 different agencies to get treatment for my son. He is now dealing and the authorities along with his social worker seem to think its no big deal. He has had several charges for cannabis and misc other charges such as disorderly conduct, property distruction, and truancy, he is facing time, house arrest and any other type of punishment his social worker feels will convinence her. I am in fact going to school to be an aoda counselor and am just amazed on how there has been no support for me and my family. The whole issue behind no one wanting to traet my son comes back to the insurance coverage, even though we have it it doesn't seem to be the policy that these professionals want. So I feel your pain and do hope for the best, its hard as a mother of a child for someone to tell you its not your issue when you are constantly told you need to help him.
Hi. im a step parent of a 17 yr old . He is sniffing like either and break cleaner.
I'm at a last stage of trying to help him. He has no respect for any one at this house hold.His dad and i are at each other cus i want to call cops on him. But his father disagrees with me . He thinks that he can talk to him and every thing is good for about a week than or son starts all over again.Bein a step parent is hard should i turn him in any way and risk his father getting pissed at me and maybe even ask me to move out ? Or even divorce? I think it might be only way to help him before its to late .We have another family her that have very young kids. Our boy doesn't seem to care if they are in the house or not. he does this huffing in basement i can smell it but husband says he can't what should i do ? In serch of some advice and desperate for some help thanks.
42, at 17 this young man definately needs more than a good talking to. the huffing can cause brain damage and death. i'm sure by now you have searched the internet and understand the risks of using.

dad's in denial of the maganitude of the problem. unless arrested, this activity will get worse and he will most likely transition to other drugs. in the drug treatment world lingo, dad is "minimizing." and in so doing, he is enabling.

watch out for "Dust Off" --- it's sold in aerosol cans and is pressured gas used to clean and blow out computer keyboards and small spaces. sold almost at any of the department and other stores. readily available for huffing and no trace of it other than the can. the kids know about it.

got to deal with dad's denial. move out if you have to to get his attention, but help has to start with dad. i wouldn't risk your relationship by calling behind his back and reporting. dad's reaction to the cops is likely to be more denial and protectionism.