We have a 26 year old son and has been in and out of rehab and detox centers over the past 10 years. Shooting heroin is the flavor of the day.
We have housed and paid for basic living essentials and he has (up until a year ago) worked in our family business. He called this morning from jail for felony grand theft. Which can carry a prison term of 1-25 years. He was begging me "All I want is to be with you mom, chain me to a tree"! I said NO. I told him that deep in his soul he knows what he has and what he is doing is wrong and has to suffer the consequences.
He says he is homeless and has had the living S---T beat out of him on street. My husband and I are emotionally and financially exhausted but we are his only life line. Did I make the right decision not bailing him out and IF he gets out of jail....is this a death sentence??
I would not wish this horrible life on anyone! We are desperate to save our son. Can anyone relate?
You will see your story shared by others in countless threads here.
I strongly suggest you seek out your local Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings and attend them.
They will explain what you can do and can't do - they will help you get your life back.
All the best.
Bob R
I strongly suggest you seek out your local Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings and attend them.
They will explain what you can do and can't do - they will help you get your life back.
All the best.
Bob R
It's all part of the life...do the crime...do the time...he'll get clean in jail...maybe have a chance to do drug court...he's scared...as I would be too...but he'll be ok...no better or worse in some ways...im sorry. ..but we all know the price of our drug...gives me some clarity to get off before I'm back there again too...
You can't save him, but he can save himself if you let him and if he wants to. You take care of you and let him have the experience he has chosen. They are very resourceful when it comes to scoring, they can be equally resourceful when/if they really want to get clean.
Hang in there...been there...lived through it....all of us, addict included...but only after we let her go at 21.
Hang in there...been there...lived through it....all of us, addict included...but only after we let her go at 21.
You did the right thing by not bailing him out. It's not your responsibility. He has to pay the consequences for his actions just as you do for yours. I've never bailed my son out of jail, even though he's begged several times. I will say the only reason he begged was not because of jail but because he didn't want to be sick from withdrawls. He got through them. You cannot keep funding your son's lifestyle. Definitely check out NarAnon and/or AlAnon.
Michelle
Michelle
Thank you for the supportive words. It is killing us to see him go down this path of self destruction.
We are reaching out to a local support group of parents in similar situations.
We HAVE to do something as a society to break the stigma of these addicts and addiction. If my son had cancer people would rally around us and offer help. With addiction NOTHING!!! NO ONE wants this life.
We are reaching out to a local support group of parents in similar situations.
We HAVE to do something as a society to break the stigma of these addicts and addiction. If my son had cancer people would rally around us and offer help. With addiction NOTHING!!! NO ONE wants this life.
Tam,
How hard to have someone, no not someone, your son, beg and ask you to chain him to a tree
My partner had a close call with a serious driving offence and was terrified of the possibility of jail time even months after the withdrawals. I didn't help at all with that, even after he was clean. I need constant reminders of what to do or I find myself unprepared and weak in times of crises. It is sooooo easy to do what we are not supposed to do in these situations, no wonder we enable!
But recently I came across a very controversial video about codependency that basically says we do it to feed our own subconscious need to be needed. And at times we almos drive them to use subconsciously, with the constant questioning and blaming for something that is a diseas and they need to find a way around, not us. I was chocked, and I need professional help!
You're right about the stigma. I was one of them before life rubbed on my face the reality of addiction. We have to do our little part to educate society, but how, when we feel so much shame! I fully understand it as a diseas but keep it to myself in most cases.
Good on you for going to group meetings - I believe that God manifests trough people and a group is a power higher than ourselves as learned from Father Martin.
Love, Nina
How hard to have someone, no not someone, your son, beg and ask you to chain him to a tree
My partner had a close call with a serious driving offence and was terrified of the possibility of jail time even months after the withdrawals. I didn't help at all with that, even after he was clean. I need constant reminders of what to do or I find myself unprepared and weak in times of crises. It is sooooo easy to do what we are not supposed to do in these situations, no wonder we enable!
But recently I came across a very controversial video about codependency that basically says we do it to feed our own subconscious need to be needed. And at times we almos drive them to use subconsciously, with the constant questioning and blaming for something that is a diseas and they need to find a way around, not us. I was chocked, and I need professional help!
You're right about the stigma. I was one of them before life rubbed on my face the reality of addiction. We have to do our little part to educate society, but how, when we feel so much shame! I fully understand it as a diseas but keep it to myself in most cases.
Good on you for going to group meetings - I believe that God manifests trough people and a group is a power higher than ourselves as learned from Father Martin.
Love, Nina
I found this message board because, I also need reminders to keep the distance. I need reminders to not step back into enabling.
Since I can not have my son close in my life, I can read about the lives of others.
my son has only been through 2 rehabs. roughly 2015-present working on being clean/sober. It seems the phase of rebuilding his life or re-entry seems to be slow. A month seems like a year.
He does not have a girl friend. I think if he did he would be more motivated, or at least feel close to some one, etc.
It is difficult to keep a conversation cheery.but we do try. I do have a hard time talking to him and not being able to help in bigger ways. I did help in a small way - sending clothes from his room and buying jeans.
I think I need to understand that he is just talking when he says how hard it is to save $$ and that he needs transportation or that he needs a different job... etc.
I have to try not to react. I have to try not to problem solve. Maybe it is helping just to have a normal conversation.
Since I can not have my son close in my life, I can read about the lives of others.
my son has only been through 2 rehabs. roughly 2015-present working on being clean/sober. It seems the phase of rebuilding his life or re-entry seems to be slow. A month seems like a year.
He does not have a girl friend. I think if he did he would be more motivated, or at least feel close to some one, etc.
It is difficult to keep a conversation cheery.but we do try. I do have a hard time talking to him and not being able to help in bigger ways. I did help in a small way - sending clothes from his room and buying jeans.
I think I need to understand that he is just talking when he says how hard it is to save $$ and that he needs transportation or that he needs a different job... etc.
I have to try not to react. I have to try not to problem solve. Maybe it is helping just to have a normal conversation.
So true Ny
I've always said that if my son passed the pain would be the same whether drugs or another reason caused. We think alike. My son is going in about the 10th rehab (in 8yrs)
I know he wants to be sober but just not sure if he wants it more than the high. It's been hell the last few days. Thank God for this site and the people on here giving advice. It really helped.
And yes we are desperate to save our loved ones but we can't. They have to make the choice. It's their journey! My son will always know I love him even if I have to step away.
Paula
I've always said that if my son passed the pain would be the same whether drugs or another reason caused. We think alike. My son is going in about the 10th rehab (in 8yrs)
I know he wants to be sober but just not sure if he wants it more than the high. It's been hell the last few days. Thank God for this site and the people on here giving advice. It really helped.
And yes we are desperate to save our loved ones but we can't. They have to make the choice. It's their journey! My son will always know I love him even if I have to step away.
Paula
About the stigma; relating drug use and mental illness to cancer. I understand the concept - they are both diseases, but the cancer patient does not become a manipulating monster who drains us emotionally and financially, and wreaks havoc on the community with stealing and accidents and homelessness, that is the difference.
It is true that if one has not gone to hell and back with an addict in the family, one really can not feel the pain and heart break.
Although, When someone looses a child or loved one. That pain is the same, no matter what the cause. Watching your child suffer from Cancer would be similar to watching your child suffer with an addiction because we do not have control over it. As a parent, one becomes helpless to help their child.
There are tons of rehab, halfway house, state hospital detox, etc. It is available when they want it.
I keep wishing there was a place for the addict to live while getting back on their feet. I guess that is halfway house and sober living homes.
Maybe the halfway house and assisted living could be better. There seems to be a lack of helpful things like available transportation for errands and work. It seems to be every man for himself.... but the old problem - how do one get a better job if one does not have transportation. ....
It is true that if one has not gone to hell and back with an addict in the family, one really can not feel the pain and heart break.
Although, When someone looses a child or loved one. That pain is the same, no matter what the cause. Watching your child suffer from Cancer would be similar to watching your child suffer with an addiction because we do not have control over it. As a parent, one becomes helpless to help their child.
There are tons of rehab, halfway house, state hospital detox, etc. It is available when they want it.
I keep wishing there was a place for the addict to live while getting back on their feet. I guess that is halfway house and sober living homes.
Maybe the halfway house and assisted living could be better. There seems to be a lack of helpful things like available transportation for errands and work. It seems to be every man for himself.... but the old problem - how do one get a better job if one does not have transportation. ....
This message board has been a blessing!!!!
Clearly we are not alone and it gives me great comfort to hear the message over and over again!
Found out yesterday that our son is detoxing and being treated by the medical staff in jail Was able to speak to a RN at the jail who is treating him. What an ANGEL! She herself a mother and grandmother has been at the jail or 22 years and told me the same thing, this is not your choice this is your sons choice. She told me that to keep on supporting him but do not enable him, that so many people in jail are left alone and have no one and no support and to keep loving my son and that he is a human being. She said I am here taking care of these people because I would want someone to take care of my children in the event they were in this situation.
In no way do we condone drug abuse, disregard for the law and others personal property. I stand strong in that I will not post bail and he must pay for his actions. However, if he is turned back into the community he will re-offend. I guarantee it! I need him in jail to be safe and getting treatment. Flip side I dont want him to slip through the cracks. I agree what are addicts to do if they cant drive, get a job or be a productive member of society? They get right back on that hamster wheel.
No one wakes up and says "today I am going to be an addict" no one!!!
Clearly we are not alone and it gives me great comfort to hear the message over and over again!
Found out yesterday that our son is detoxing and being treated by the medical staff in jail Was able to speak to a RN at the jail who is treating him. What an ANGEL! She herself a mother and grandmother has been at the jail or 22 years and told me the same thing, this is not your choice this is your sons choice. She told me that to keep on supporting him but do not enable him, that so many people in jail are left alone and have no one and no support and to keep loving my son and that he is a human being. She said I am here taking care of these people because I would want someone to take care of my children in the event they were in this situation.
In no way do we condone drug abuse, disregard for the law and others personal property. I stand strong in that I will not post bail and he must pay for his actions. However, if he is turned back into the community he will re-offend. I guarantee it! I need him in jail to be safe and getting treatment. Flip side I dont want him to slip through the cracks. I agree what are addicts to do if they cant drive, get a job or be a productive member of society? They get right back on that hamster wheel.
No one wakes up and says "today I am going to be an addict" no one!!!
criminalisation of a disease is insane. If the drugs were available most of them would commit no crime. Drugs is all they are after and we, codependents, choose to stand in the way and get hurt - for ignorance and natural instincts first and later for more complex issues of our own.
NinaMarie.....I think you hit the nail on the head. OUR SUBCONSCIOUS need to be needed...
A lot of the paths in the right directions, are here at the message board - the tabs at the top - Beyond Recovery - Housing, Jobs, Education, Legal, Find Treatment, Programs & Resources, Holistic, etc...
If someone sits in their house and wallows and crys that nothing is working, then that is what they will get. In order to improve, one has to walk the talk. Find programs, work at the program, find activities, etc...
About Crime: If the drugs were free there would be no crime? It is directly because of the drugs (that are not taken properly) that there is crime.
If drug abuse is an illness, then it is must be a mental illness and therefore the persons who commit crimes who are drug addicts should be in a mental hospital, but that is against their rights, so they go to jail because of the crime, unless they commit themselves to a hospital or if they are clearly a harm to themselves or others.
Is low self-esteem, poor will-power, and stupidity a mental illness? a crime? Can you see how complicated this topic is....
Laws are put in place to protect people from their own stupidity. and to protect innocent by-standers from someone else's mistake.
If someone sits in their house and wallows and crys that nothing is working, then that is what they will get. In order to improve, one has to walk the talk. Find programs, work at the program, find activities, etc...
About Crime: If the drugs were free there would be no crime? It is directly because of the drugs (that are not taken properly) that there is crime.
If drug abuse is an illness, then it is must be a mental illness and therefore the persons who commit crimes who are drug addicts should be in a mental hospital, but that is against their rights, so they go to jail because of the crime, unless they commit themselves to a hospital or if they are clearly a harm to themselves or others.
Is low self-esteem, poor will-power, and stupidity a mental illness? a crime? Can you see how complicated this topic is....
Laws are put in place to protect people from their own stupidity. and to protect innocent by-standers from someone else's mistake.
My son is 27 yrs. I have from time to time put him out. He has a 10 yr. habit. God only knows what he has done to sustain his habit. He has intermittently come home, trying to change, but, not for long. He has stolen sold and broke my heart a hundred times over. I have hope one time he will succeed. I beg him and want to so much believe the lies. He has had his nose broke 3 times or more. Crashed 2 cars. and intermittently lived on the streets. More on the streets than not. I'm beginning to realize what is important to me is not important to him. More harder.. I can not protect him. His habit has partially destroyed my second marriage. His dad refuses and help unless he is in a program and sober for one year. Really, his dad was never there and it's now a newer excuse. Not sure what to do... winter is coming and again he is not well. The last time he returned (1 month ago) he was schizophrenic from meth use as well. I got him better... but now comes the Heroin again. He still acts 17yrs old. Not sure what to do... Do I get him a apartment and put him on his own? I had him apply for healthcare and food stamps... I can't do this all alone. Just killing me.
Go to Nar-Anon meetings to talk to others who can help with what to do or not do.
Do not rent an apartment for him or buy a car or pay for anything that he should be doing himself.
Find a place where he can live and work and pay his own room and board.
If he is not clean, he is on his own responsibility to figure out how to live.
Financially this will clean you out. Do not spend money on him. You need to think about your self and future savings.
yes, he should apply for social services, food stamps, Medicaid?
he is a person without a job or is homeless, so he has to live like that.
millions of others do.... how do they do it?
Do not rent an apartment for him or buy a car or pay for anything that he should be doing himself.
Find a place where he can live and work and pay his own room and board.
If he is not clean, he is on his own responsibility to figure out how to live.
Financially this will clean you out. Do not spend money on him. You need to think about your self and future savings.
yes, he should apply for social services, food stamps, Medicaid?
he is a person without a job or is homeless, so he has to live like that.
millions of others do.... how do they do it?
