I am new to this site. I've searched high and low for a place where I can talk to SOMEONE out there who can relate to me.
Here's my story. I've been with a man for 13 years. When I met him he was a recovering addict. He was addicted to pain pills. I've never done any type of drugs in my life and grew up with an alcoholic father. I promised myself I would never get involved with anyone who had an addiction problem due to my abusive childhood. However, when I met this man, it was truly love at first site. He was clean and sober and we were madly in love. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world.
About 2 years into our relationship, he relapsed on the pills. He started lying and stealing, etc. and had all the behaviors of an addict. I confronted him, he admitted it. I loved him and stuck by him to help him get clean again, which he did. Then, a year after that, he got hurt in work and had to have major back surgery. Of course when you have surgery, pain meds. are involved. He had to have discs removed from his spine which left him with severe hip pain and a drop foot. I sympathized with him because of course I knew how much pain he would be in. So needless to say, of course, he got addicted to the pain pills yet again. I knew how much pain he was in so I accepted this because I knew it wasn't an excuse to just take a pill, he actually needed it. But of course after months and months go by, the doctors cut you off and tell you that you are abusing the meds. Now, we are again a full addict and have a problem again. I didn't blame him for this because he couldn't help what happened to him. But, I know he was absolutely abusing the meds. The drug abuse was now an on and off thing for years. Through all the HELL he put me through in the past 13 years, I've never one time turned my back on him. I love him dearly and always stood beside him, made excuses for him and yes I'm probably even guilty of being an enabler just to make him content. He no longer works because of his injury. He is in his 30's. He cannot do much of anything without complaining and he has gained an enormous amount of weight from being so inactive. Still, I didn't care about any of that. I loved him regardless so much that as long as he loved me back, I would take care of everything and he could just sit back with no worries.
However, about 3 years ago I finally stared to get tired. I gave him an ultimatum. I told him I would do whatever I needed to help him, but he had to stop the pills. The pain excuse had to stop (even though he probably does still have pain) I needed him to be able to help me in little ways. Just by doing some laundry or making dinner once in awhile so things were a little easier for me when I got home from a 9hr day at work while he laid around all day. He would always say the pills just made him so tired but ne NEEDED them. Our relationship was a shell. The woman he made me feel like was gone. He had no desires for anything. Sex was the farthest thing from his mind. From 2014 through now 2016 we had sex twice!! Twice in two years! His desire for me and life are just non existent. You can only imagine the arguing and fighting we have endured. I just couldn't do it anymore.
So, he decided he wanted to join a methadone clinic to help him ease off of the opiates. I figured, hopefully this would work. It would taper him down from the pills and maybe save whatever it is we have left. I figured ok, give it a try. It requires mandatory meetings, counseling, etc. So to me, I thought wow this actually sounds good for him. He asked me to give him one year on the program and our lives would go back to the way it used to be. God knows I longed for those days. It's what always kept me around. I knew the love he was capable of giving me.
Now, he is 15 months into the program. I can see him improving for his own benefit in some ways. Meaning, he can play playstation and enjoy going to comic book stores, etc. things he enjoys he is finding interest in again. His entire life revolves around this "program" he attends. I know its a good thing for him because he has meetings and counseling, BUT it consumes his ENTIRE life. It is ALL he worries about or thinks about. He complains about doing anything I ask of him, but he's always ready and willing to do whatever for his "program". I vacationed alone, I've spent my entire summer alone, I've gone on outings with family and friends alone because he is unable to go anywhere because of the "program". I've accepted it and dealt with it because honestly we haven't really been a team or partners for quite some time now. So, if this was going to help him, I would deal with this too.
BUT...the methadone has give him ZERO desires or feelings. Zero sex drive at all. I don't want to sound selfish here, but seriously....how much can a person take. I've had sex twice in over two years. I thought him tapering off of the pills would at least start to bring his desires for me back, but honestly it's made it worse. I could stand naked in front of him and he wouldn't bat his eyes. And of course he says "its not me, it's him". He doesn't hug me, hold me, compliment me or even tell me he loves me anymore. He blames it on the methadone. He says he is on a very low dose now like only 20 some mg. So wouldn't that start to bring you back to reality???
I really confused here. I love him and want to be with him but I feel like he is using me and taking me for granted. He tells me how selfish I am for putting so much pressure on him while he's trying to get himself better. When he says that, it makes me feel terrible because I do want him better!! But I'm a human being and I have needs too. He makes me feel so bad about myself by him pushing me away like he does. He has no idea how bad I'm hurting inside. I want to help him, but I feel like this is so unfair.
Can anyone out there relate to what I'm going through??? How can a MAN go so long without wanting a woman?? We are about to begin a new year. I don't want to do this anymore, but I also don't want to throw 13 years of my life away. I get that he will never work again. His "program" is his job. I honestly wouldn't care if he had to be in that "program" for the rest of his life if it helped him, as long as he had normal human feelings. I've accepted all the responsibilities that come with him not working, etc. All I want is a partner to enjoy life with and be happy. I wanted that with him, but I feel like this is a circle that will never end. I also feel like he thinks no matter what he does and says to me, since I love him so much and have stood beside him for so long, I will NEVER leave him. I feel like his mother, not his "wife".
ANY advise from anyone who can relate to this situation would be SO APPRECIATED!!! I really need someone to talk to!! Sorry this is so long, but that's my life in a nutshell!
Reading your post made me so sad for you. You have went above and beyond what most people would have done. But...it's time to say enough is enough. You say you don't want to throw 13 years of your life away but that is what you have done. Your partner has used his back injury as an excuse to use and abuse opiates. It's what an addict does. If there is a way to have an excuse to use, they will find one. If the methadone hasn't helped the situation, I can't imagine that there is anything that's going to change his attitude. I think it's long past time for you to think of you and your own needs. You should really see about attending a Nar anon or Al anon meeting. They can teach you how to stop your enabling and codependent behaviors. I wish I had something happier to say to you but addiction is a sad situation and it ruins lives...the life or the addict and the lives of everyone in the addict's life.
Best of luck to you,
Michelle
Best of luck to you,
Michelle
Thank you Michelle.
I honestly don't know what I'm trying to hold on to. I love the person I fell in love with and I'm just so sad that he's gone. I guess I have to chalk it up as another death in my life because that man no longer exists. I have done and put up with more than any person I know would have ever dealt with. I have to stop feeling sorry for him because he obviously doesn't feel bad for what he has done and is doing to me.
I am going to look into talking to someone or seeking help for myself on dealing with this. I guess I was hoping someone would come on here and say...."hang in there kid, the methadone program will help and things will get better, I'm living proof". We can all dream.
Thanks....again.
I honestly don't know what I'm trying to hold on to. I love the person I fell in love with and I'm just so sad that he's gone. I guess I have to chalk it up as another death in my life because that man no longer exists. I have done and put up with more than any person I know would have ever dealt with. I have to stop feeling sorry for him because he obviously doesn't feel bad for what he has done and is doing to me.
I am going to look into talking to someone or seeking help for myself on dealing with this. I guess I was hoping someone would come on here and say...."hang in there kid, the methadone program will help and things will get better, I'm living proof". We can all dream.
Thanks....again.
sad situation for you Desparate and not an uncommon one except that you have lasted longer than anyone I know in this relationship.
It has to be apparent to you at this point that he isn't going to change! You are the only one that can change and the problem here is that you are in love with him, but he is in love with his drug or methadone!
Unless you want to be doing this until your dying day you need to make changes and not wait. Waiting for him to get better or be "normal" on methadone isn't ever going to happen!
You sound too young to be living in such a sad and consuming relationship!
Praying for you and wise choices--(((HUGS))) Lori
It has to be apparent to you at this point that he isn't going to change! You are the only one that can change and the problem here is that you are in love with him, but he is in love with his drug or methadone!
Unless you want to be doing this until your dying day you need to make changes and not wait. Waiting for him to get better or be "normal" on methadone isn't ever going to happen!
You sound too young to be living in such a sad and consuming relationship!
Praying for you and wise choices--(((HUGS))) Lori
Thank u Lori. I'll be 40 this summer. They say life begins at 40...looks like a new beginning is waiting for me.
i am on methadone right now and my husband was for years before stopping but never ever had problem with sex urges or doing sexual acts i mean making love .. i know opioid based pills can make harder for men to perform but methadone dose of 20 milligrams shouldn't saying this your half abused pain pills for so long so could be that is messed up not only his mind but body as well. Did you talk to him about this? If not maybe you should , maybe he knows where problem is ... once you 2 agree about this he could go to doctor and ask for Viagra (we had it for few months last year while my husband was on blood pressure pills and those knows to mess up with erection )
I hope things change for better with you 2 and i hope you stick around and ask for help, advice whenever you need or just when you need to share ..all the best!
I hope things change for better with you 2 and i hope you stick around and ask for help, advice whenever you need or just when you need to share ..all the best!
and him been for 15 months on program stable shouldn't stop him from helping you with house or whatever else you need help with and doing other things apart from taking methadone and going to meetings ... it looks like he is addicted to program like exchanging one addition with another one? You ever go with him to those meetings?
