my wife Went into a highly regarded detox/rehab center in Central Florida on Thursday June 1 for a 3 year addiction to OxyContin.
On Friday June 2, I spoke with length, about hour with her counselor and gave her background information.
On Thursday June 8, I had a conference call with my wife and her counselor and my wife informed me that she would not be talking to me for about a week and a half so that she could focus on herself. At that time I did as the counselor to contact me one-on-one and she promised me that she would.
On Friday June 9, the counselor did call me and tell me that my wife did need to focus on her issues as our relationship/marriage/the kids/etc. Were distracting her from her recovery. I wholeheartedly agree with her assessment and was fully supported by whatever needed to be done. I asked and the counselor promised me that she would call me the following week.
The next week went by with the hearing absolutely nothing from the facility including the counselor.
On Monday June 19, I contacted the facility and stated that I haven't heard from anyone. I was promised that the counselor would call me the following day.
On Tuesday June 20, I receive a conference call with my wife and her counselor which lasted all of 10 minutes. My wife told me that she needed to focus on herself and again not be calling me for another week and a half. I asked the counselor, who basically was listening in and not contributing, why she had called me last week and she told me that things were really busy and that after working with my wife she thought it was best that she not talk to me.
On Wednesday June 21, I spoke with the clinical supervisor, informed him that I was not being kept informed, and asked him what was going on? He replied that the counselor had spoken with me the previous day and had told me what was going on. I told him that was untrue as although she listened to the conversation between me and my wife, she did not give me any information. I asked if my wife had signed the appropriate paperwork so that the facility could keep me informed and he said that she had. I asked if she had rescinded that permission and he stated that if she hadn't they would have informed me. The clinical supervisor informed me that my wife had been moved to a new facility and that I would be hearing from her new counselor on June 22, the following day.
I received no phone call from her new counselor on Thursday June 22, or Friday, June 23.
On Monday June 26, I received another phone call from my wife with her counselor listening in. My wife and I again had a brief conversation with the counselor say nothing.
I was not contacted by anyone from the facility from Tuesday, June 27 through Friday, June 30.
On Friday, June 30 I called my wife's cell phone and we had a lengthy conversation. During that conversation I commented that I had been hearing from anyone in the facility and she sheepishly remembered that when she initially arrived, suffering from PTSD, she was asked if she wanted them to inform me about it and she said not now and according to her forgot to rescind that instruction but she would do so now.
On Monday, July 3 I again had a conference call with my wife and her counselor. During this call I asked the counselor that I would like to have a one-on-one conversation with her. She said she would not be able to unless you have my wife's permission, put me on hold for a moment, said that she did have my wife's permission to talk to me and would be calling me promptly.
Today is Thursday, July 6 and I have yet to hear from the therapist.
My wife is being discharged next Tuesday, July 11, and the only information I have about an aftercare program is that she is going to go live with her cousin in upstate New York.
My apologies for such a long winded description of the situation but I was wondering if anyone worked or has dealt with facilities and would have any advice/suggestions for me in regards to dealing with the facility and is this normal practice?
Hi Michael, it sounds like normal practice. your wife is not your child and is an adult. She has talked to you and told you what she is doing. There's nothing more the councilor can say without answering personal questions, which they will not do.
NY is absolutely correct. The HIPPA laws prevent any hospital, doctor, therapist or facility from sharing any information with you . . . unless they have your wife's permission and consent. I know that these road blocks are frustrating . . . I faced the same thing with my 21 yo daughter who was in too many detoxes/rehabs to count . . . in a couple of different states. I could not get any information unless she consented . . .and even when she consented, I didn't get much out of her therapist. In our telephone sessions, the therapist was mute . . .unless we got off track, or the tone was not therapeutic for my girl, or if our daughter shut down.
Now that I sit back and think about it. . . even w/o the HIPPA laws, rehabs/detoxs should not share what is going on with your loved one. The focus of these places is on the one with the disease. You . . . like all of us loved ones . . . are not that important in her recovery. . . at least right now. Sorry. These places have to create a feeling of security, safety and confidentiality . . . or our addicts would not open up to talk about their triggers, bad behavior, etc. And they can't do that if there is any chance that their secrets could be shared.
Realizing that this facility is solely on her side . . . that their allegiance is entirely to her . . . if I were in your shoes . . .I would make a few more efforts to contact her therapist. Not to learn what is going through your wife's heart and mind. I would leave a voice mail or send an email with my questions. However, my questions would be all directed at and about Wifey's recovery and her future . . . in fact, the words "me, my and I" would rarely come out of my mouth . . . bc this is not about you. I'd ask questions like: in the therapist's opinion, is Wifey moving across the country a good thing for her; is it too soon to talk to Wifey about the future & us; when do they think she will be in a better position to have that conversation; and what can/should you do to support her at this point in her recovery?
I'd also write Wifey a letter and make sure she receives it in advance of her discharge date. Well . . . I'd write 2 letters . . . one where I vent & use colorful language . . . that is, this is the diarrhea of the heart, mind and soul letter . . . I wouldn't give her that one. Then . . . after you are calmer and less emotional . . . write her the letter you WILL send. These letters should have 2 topics . . . the impact that her use has had on you & your family AND your expectations/hopes/boundaries for the future. We did this exercise with our daughter . . . hubby and I each wrote a letter to her. I think she heard how her use affected us in every area of our lives . . . I know it was good for us.
As for you, Michael . . . first, here's a hug. I know that none of this is easy or fun. You've had to hold things down for the last 3 years by yourself . . . and now you see a glimmer of hope . . .and right now she isn't enthused or even thinking about coming home. And all you probably want to do is welcome Wifey home with hugs and kisses . . . resume your happy pre-addiction lives . . . and be thankful that she is "cured." And you are upset that this is not her dream . . . or her goal. And . . . all your patience is exhausted . . . you want to take your life off of pause and move forward . . . but you can't.. . you are waiting to exhale. I get it. Been there. Felt that. Got the tee-shirt.
This is why your recovery is so important. Before YOU make any decisions re your future, your marriage and Wifey . . . before you will be truly ready, wiling and able to trust and/or try again . . .please spend some time . . . a considerable amount of time . . . working on YOU and YOUR recovery. . . repairing your heart, mind and soul . . . learning how to set boundaries and rules. Your work at Naranon is good. Supplement that. You can start here. If you haven't done so already, read on this site "Ways Family Members Can Help." Think about finding a therapist (for you) who specializes in working with families/loved ones of addicts. Wifey has her paid for friends, called therapists . . . to help and support her . . . you should have a professional to help and support you, too. Of course, you have all of us here as well.
I hope something I said was helpful or comforting. Hang in there, M . . .
Sending hugs,
Lynn
Now that I sit back and think about it. . . even w/o the HIPPA laws, rehabs/detoxs should not share what is going on with your loved one. The focus of these places is on the one with the disease. You . . . like all of us loved ones . . . are not that important in her recovery. . . at least right now. Sorry. These places have to create a feeling of security, safety and confidentiality . . . or our addicts would not open up to talk about their triggers, bad behavior, etc. And they can't do that if there is any chance that their secrets could be shared.
Realizing that this facility is solely on her side . . . that their allegiance is entirely to her . . . if I were in your shoes . . .I would make a few more efforts to contact her therapist. Not to learn what is going through your wife's heart and mind. I would leave a voice mail or send an email with my questions. However, my questions would be all directed at and about Wifey's recovery and her future . . . in fact, the words "me, my and I" would rarely come out of my mouth . . . bc this is not about you. I'd ask questions like: in the therapist's opinion, is Wifey moving across the country a good thing for her; is it too soon to talk to Wifey about the future & us; when do they think she will be in a better position to have that conversation; and what can/should you do to support her at this point in her recovery?
I'd also write Wifey a letter and make sure she receives it in advance of her discharge date. Well . . . I'd write 2 letters . . . one where I vent & use colorful language . . . that is, this is the diarrhea of the heart, mind and soul letter . . . I wouldn't give her that one. Then . . . after you are calmer and less emotional . . . write her the letter you WILL send. These letters should have 2 topics . . . the impact that her use has had on you & your family AND your expectations/hopes/boundaries for the future. We did this exercise with our daughter . . . hubby and I each wrote a letter to her. I think she heard how her use affected us in every area of our lives . . . I know it was good for us.
As for you, Michael . . . first, here's a hug. I know that none of this is easy or fun. You've had to hold things down for the last 3 years by yourself . . . and now you see a glimmer of hope . . .and right now she isn't enthused or even thinking about coming home. And all you probably want to do is welcome Wifey home with hugs and kisses . . . resume your happy pre-addiction lives . . . and be thankful that she is "cured." And you are upset that this is not her dream . . . or her goal. And . . . all your patience is exhausted . . . you want to take your life off of pause and move forward . . . but you can't.. . you are waiting to exhale. I get it. Been there. Felt that. Got the tee-shirt.
This is why your recovery is so important. Before YOU make any decisions re your future, your marriage and Wifey . . . before you will be truly ready, wiling and able to trust and/or try again . . .please spend some time . . . a considerable amount of time . . . working on YOU and YOUR recovery. . . repairing your heart, mind and soul . . . learning how to set boundaries and rules. Your work at Naranon is good. Supplement that. You can start here. If you haven't done so already, read on this site "Ways Family Members Can Help." Think about finding a therapist (for you) who specializes in working with families/loved ones of addicts. Wifey has her paid for friends, called therapists . . . to help and support her . . . you should have a professional to help and support you, too. Of course, you have all of us here as well.
I hope something I said was helpful or comforting. Hang in there, M . . .
Sending hugs,
Lynn
Lynn,
Thank you so much for your detailed response, it gives me a new perspective to view things through, a great deal of moral support, and the knowledge that others have dealt with this before me.
My wife did sign a consent letter. The facility's paperwork states that the designated family member will be called at least once a week to be notified of the patient's progress and the fact that they haven't checked themselves out of the facility! This was not done!
I was not looking for detailed explanations of what was going on with my wife. What I did find fascinating, because the therapist did call me this past Thursday, is that while she has been there for 36 days, they were unaware that she had disappeared last summer for two months to go to Arizona and hang out with her alcoholic cousin and do drugs. I know this because when I mentioned it that they had no idea that it had happened.
You may be right about creating a feeling of security, safety, and confidentiality. On the other hand, the patient can tell them whatever lies they want and they believe them without question. I'm not discussing opinions here I'm discussing verifiable facts.
I realize that the facility is there for her treatment and is totally on her side. I have no problem with that.
I did raise some of the questions that you included in your post. I know that she is going to stay with her cousin in upstate New York. The therapist said that this would be a low stress environment which is what she needs right now. She commented that our home was a high stress environment, I agreed and said that our home was a high stress environment because of my wife's drug addiction! Of course at this point in time there is no point in any further conversation with the therapist because my wife's mind has been made up. Today is Friday and she is checking out next Tuesday, July 11. I did ask about what I could do to support her at this point in her recovery and she stated that I should be patient. They will be having a family conversation about Christine's follow-up program on Monday but it will not include me. It will only be between Christine, the therapist, and my cousin.
Upon hearing this, I stated to the therapist that I seem to be feeling shut out more and more and that if this is how my wife felt, and she wanted a divorce, I would give one to her. The therapist replied that at this time my wife does not know what she wants and that they do not recommend to their patients that they get a divorce.
I believe that Writing a letter to my wife would not be received well and would be perceived as pressure and controlling. I did ask her in our last conversation how she felt about us, our marriage, and her response was that she did not know. I am accepting that at face value and giving her some time at her cousins to come to terms with the real world. I did tell her that I was an emotional limbo and could not wait two or three months more to know whether our marriage was going to progress or end. Again, I don't want to start pressuring her when she hasn't even left rehab yet. I thought giving her a couple weeks at her cousins, to get her feet on the ground so to speak, would be for the best before we start talking about us.
Thanks for the hug, here's one coming back at you! What you wrote below truly resonates with me and is EXACTLY how I feel
You've had to hold things down for the last 3 years by yourself . . . and now you see a glimmer of hope . . .and right now she isn't enthused or even thinking about coming home. And all you probably want to do is welcome Wifey home with hugs and kisses . . . resume your happy pre-addiction lives . . . and be thankful that she is "cured." And you are upset that this is not her dream . . . or her goal. And . . . all your patience is exhausted . . . you want to take your life off of pause and move forward . . . but you can't.. . you are waiting to exhale. I get it.
Your words of restraint, patient, and time is truly amazingly helpful! I have so many friends telling me it's time to end this and get on with your life. The response or lack of response from my wife certainly doesn't help. I will listen to your advice and be as patient as I can.
I have been seeing a therapist, he is helpful to a point. I will continue to go to Nar Anon meetings no matter where I am at, which brings me to my next subject.
If I haven't mentioned it already, I am leaving Colorado and heading east.I am leaving next Thursday, The 13th. I feel that spending time with friends and family will be much more beneficial to my medical/psychological/emotional health than sitting in this house alone waiting for my wife to do something or to contact me. I will inform her of my plans, because I don't want her to assume I will always be waiting for her, being her net. That is unhealthy for me and that is unhealthy for her!
Your advice was amazingly helpful, please stay in touch!
I will go to the site ways family members can help!
Hugs back at you,
Michael
Thank you so much for your detailed response, it gives me a new perspective to view things through, a great deal of moral support, and the knowledge that others have dealt with this before me.
My wife did sign a consent letter. The facility's paperwork states that the designated family member will be called at least once a week to be notified of the patient's progress and the fact that they haven't checked themselves out of the facility! This was not done!
I was not looking for detailed explanations of what was going on with my wife. What I did find fascinating, because the therapist did call me this past Thursday, is that while she has been there for 36 days, they were unaware that she had disappeared last summer for two months to go to Arizona and hang out with her alcoholic cousin and do drugs. I know this because when I mentioned it that they had no idea that it had happened.
You may be right about creating a feeling of security, safety, and confidentiality. On the other hand, the patient can tell them whatever lies they want and they believe them without question. I'm not discussing opinions here I'm discussing verifiable facts.
I realize that the facility is there for her treatment and is totally on her side. I have no problem with that.
I did raise some of the questions that you included in your post. I know that she is going to stay with her cousin in upstate New York. The therapist said that this would be a low stress environment which is what she needs right now. She commented that our home was a high stress environment, I agreed and said that our home was a high stress environment because of my wife's drug addiction! Of course at this point in time there is no point in any further conversation with the therapist because my wife's mind has been made up. Today is Friday and she is checking out next Tuesday, July 11. I did ask about what I could do to support her at this point in her recovery and she stated that I should be patient. They will be having a family conversation about Christine's follow-up program on Monday but it will not include me. It will only be between Christine, the therapist, and my cousin.
Upon hearing this, I stated to the therapist that I seem to be feeling shut out more and more and that if this is how my wife felt, and she wanted a divorce, I would give one to her. The therapist replied that at this time my wife does not know what she wants and that they do not recommend to their patients that they get a divorce.
I believe that Writing a letter to my wife would not be received well and would be perceived as pressure and controlling. I did ask her in our last conversation how she felt about us, our marriage, and her response was that she did not know. I am accepting that at face value and giving her some time at her cousins to come to terms with the real world. I did tell her that I was an emotional limbo and could not wait two or three months more to know whether our marriage was going to progress or end. Again, I don't want to start pressuring her when she hasn't even left rehab yet. I thought giving her a couple weeks at her cousins, to get her feet on the ground so to speak, would be for the best before we start talking about us.
Thanks for the hug, here's one coming back at you! What you wrote below truly resonates with me and is EXACTLY how I feel
You've had to hold things down for the last 3 years by yourself . . . and now you see a glimmer of hope . . .and right now she isn't enthused or even thinking about coming home. And all you probably want to do is welcome Wifey home with hugs and kisses . . . resume your happy pre-addiction lives . . . and be thankful that she is "cured." And you are upset that this is not her dream . . . or her goal. And . . . all your patience is exhausted . . . you want to take your life off of pause and move forward . . . but you can't.. . you are waiting to exhale. I get it.
Your words of restraint, patient, and time is truly amazingly helpful! I have so many friends telling me it's time to end this and get on with your life. The response or lack of response from my wife certainly doesn't help. I will listen to your advice and be as patient as I can.
I have been seeing a therapist, he is helpful to a point. I will continue to go to Nar Anon meetings no matter where I am at, which brings me to my next subject.
If I haven't mentioned it already, I am leaving Colorado and heading east.I am leaving next Thursday, The 13th. I feel that spending time with friends and family will be much more beneficial to my medical/psychological/emotional health than sitting in this house alone waiting for my wife to do something or to contact me. I will inform her of my plans, because I don't want her to assume I will always be waiting for her, being her net. That is unhealthy for me and that is unhealthy for her!
Your advice was amazingly helpful, please stay in touch!
I will go to the site ways family members can help!
Hugs back at you,
Michael
On Monday, July 3 I again had a conference call with my wife and her counselor. During this call I asked the counselor that I would like to have a one-on-one conversation with her. She said she would not be able to unless you have my wife's permission, put me on hold for a moment, said that she did have my wife's permission to talk to me and would be calling me promptly.
Today is Thursday, July 6 and I have yet to hear from the therapist.
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Due to the fact that I have spent a fair share of my time in rehab and because I am very aware how addicts behave in very, very early, barely, but trying recovery, I wanted to just share my take on what is probabaly going on.
When the therapist put you on hold to ask your wife's permission to speak with you privately, she (your wife) probably did one of two things. (For the record, I have done this too..both of these scenarios, more than once!)
The first scenario is that when therapist askedher if it would be okay to speak with you one-on-one, she said yes. However, either during the remainder of this session or perhaps at another one, she decided to not allow it because she feels it is her recovery and what she is doing, feeling etc., at this present moment in baby recovery is none of your business. Then she rescinded her permission for you to meet with her therapist.
The second scenario is that she realized that if she signed over her permission so you could speak with her therapist, she realized that the consent was very vague or very broad and there are things about her, her drug use and her life in general that she does NOT want you to know about. She was probably not able to just say no to your request while you were on the phone for any number of reasons. My main reasons for keeping family out of the loop was fear that they would hate me and be very mad. They were already pissed off enough about what my addiction had caused. I felt I could not let them see me that vulnerable. The thought of admitting some of the things I did during my active addiction to my husband or my parents etc. was terrifying and I was not ready, especially during the very start of recovery, to sharethis information.
Also, she may just not want you talking to HER therapist! She is on her own there and is learning new coping skills. When you mentioned that you wanted a one-on-one with her therapist, I am sure her addict brain is saying "I can do it myself! I am a big girl and I am ready to step up!". She also might think that this is your way of "checking up" on her and from her side that will look and feel like there is no trust in your marriage.
I knew then I had a long, long way to go. I had to get firm and tell certain family members and my spouse that I would share with them when I had a more solid foot in recovery. I also told them that while I was so glad they were going to start therapy, I did NOT want them to go to my therapist. I felt like it was a huge conflict of interest and when I was in such a low state of existence, I needed someone for just myself! Even though HIPPA privacy law is great, with therapists seeing several family members it is easy for them to actually repeat information that was said through another family member. HIPPA is supposed to stop it from happening and I think it might for the most part, but therapists are only human and it is so easy to accidentally say "yes, she told me about that." or "she said you might say that." and things of that nature. She might feel very possessive of this therapist, especially if they have established a good, trusting working relationship and your wife feels that she is really helping.
It was nice of you to tell, or rather ask your wife how you could support her recovery. You definitely can't get involved in her recovery program, because this is her illness and she alone must face it down and learn the tools she needs to battle it! Putting yourself anywhere near her program is likely to make her angry and resentful. I know early in my recovery, very angry with anyone who wanted to "help me recover." While I am sure they were genuine now (hindsight is always 20/20!) back then I would think, "great! You are here to tell me all about myself and how you want me to be. Where the hell were you months ago when I was desperate? So now because I am where you want me to be, suddenly you are trying to pick up a role in my life that doesn't belong to you!"
I'm sorry...I just was reading this and I think tomorrow when I am not so exhausted I will come back to this thread and post a more comprehensive and easier to comprehend answer! I had a bunch of tests today and I am just not focusing well and you deserve my undivided attention! I will revisit this in the morning!
One thing I want to say is that if she did rescind her consent, it might be a good thing. Not only does it not drag you into her program, which you should avoid at all costs, it is also probably making her feel some responsibility for her life nd recovery. In the words of Martha Stewart, "It's a good thing!"
Keep up with Nar anon. (just make sure it is NAR-Anon, which is the sister organization to Narcotics anonymous and NOT Narconon, which is a branch of scientology weirdness!). It is there that you will learn how to detach with love and let your wife be responsible for her addiction. You will also make amzing friends ther who can relate to everything you are going through. Remeber there is always strength in numbers!
I know it is hard not to think about what is going to happen down the road with your marriage. Most recovery programs, 12 step or non 12 step, really stress the point of not making ANY major life decisions during the first year of recovery. During the early recovery process your wife is going tomake up her mind (and then change it) 100 times a day in the beginning. That is because the emotions are on a roller coaster because all of a sudden our coping mechsnism (drugs)is no longer available! to us and it takes a good amount of time to replace the unhealthy way we have dealt with life with a more psoitive behavior.
I have to stop here for now because I am so tired I am seeing double and I can;t quite put my thoughts into words! I will post more tomorrow after I get some much needed rest! Take care and adieu until the morning!
Today is Thursday, July 6 and I have yet to hear from the therapist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to the fact that I have spent a fair share of my time in rehab and because I am very aware how addicts behave in very, very early, barely, but trying recovery, I wanted to just share my take on what is probabaly going on.
When the therapist put you on hold to ask your wife's permission to speak with you privately, she (your wife) probably did one of two things. (For the record, I have done this too..both of these scenarios, more than once!)
The first scenario is that when therapist askedher if it would be okay to speak with you one-on-one, she said yes. However, either during the remainder of this session or perhaps at another one, she decided to not allow it because she feels it is her recovery and what she is doing, feeling etc., at this present moment in baby recovery is none of your business. Then she rescinded her permission for you to meet with her therapist.
The second scenario is that she realized that if she signed over her permission so you could speak with her therapist, she realized that the consent was very vague or very broad and there are things about her, her drug use and her life in general that she does NOT want you to know about. She was probably not able to just say no to your request while you were on the phone for any number of reasons. My main reasons for keeping family out of the loop was fear that they would hate me and be very mad. They were already pissed off enough about what my addiction had caused. I felt I could not let them see me that vulnerable. The thought of admitting some of the things I did during my active addiction to my husband or my parents etc. was terrifying and I was not ready, especially during the very start of recovery, to sharethis information.
Also, she may just not want you talking to HER therapist! She is on her own there and is learning new coping skills. When you mentioned that you wanted a one-on-one with her therapist, I am sure her addict brain is saying "I can do it myself! I am a big girl and I am ready to step up!". She also might think that this is your way of "checking up" on her and from her side that will look and feel like there is no trust in your marriage.
I knew then I had a long, long way to go. I had to get firm and tell certain family members and my spouse that I would share with them when I had a more solid foot in recovery. I also told them that while I was so glad they were going to start therapy, I did NOT want them to go to my therapist. I felt like it was a huge conflict of interest and when I was in such a low state of existence, I needed someone for just myself! Even though HIPPA privacy law is great, with therapists seeing several family members it is easy for them to actually repeat information that was said through another family member. HIPPA is supposed to stop it from happening and I think it might for the most part, but therapists are only human and it is so easy to accidentally say "yes, she told me about that." or "she said you might say that." and things of that nature. She might feel very possessive of this therapist, especially if they have established a good, trusting working relationship and your wife feels that she is really helping.
It was nice of you to tell, or rather ask your wife how you could support her recovery. You definitely can't get involved in her recovery program, because this is her illness and she alone must face it down and learn the tools she needs to battle it! Putting yourself anywhere near her program is likely to make her angry and resentful. I know early in my recovery, very angry with anyone who wanted to "help me recover." While I am sure they were genuine now (hindsight is always 20/20!) back then I would think, "great! You are here to tell me all about myself and how you want me to be. Where the hell were you months ago when I was desperate? So now because I am where you want me to be, suddenly you are trying to pick up a role in my life that doesn't belong to you!"
I'm sorry...I just was reading this and I think tomorrow when I am not so exhausted I will come back to this thread and post a more comprehensive and easier to comprehend answer! I had a bunch of tests today and I am just not focusing well and you deserve my undivided attention! I will revisit this in the morning!
One thing I want to say is that if she did rescind her consent, it might be a good thing. Not only does it not drag you into her program, which you should avoid at all costs, it is also probably making her feel some responsibility for her life nd recovery. In the words of Martha Stewart, "It's a good thing!"
Keep up with Nar anon. (just make sure it is NAR-Anon, which is the sister organization to Narcotics anonymous and NOT Narconon, which is a branch of scientology weirdness!). It is there that you will learn how to detach with love and let your wife be responsible for her addiction. You will also make amzing friends ther who can relate to everything you are going through. Remeber there is always strength in numbers!
I know it is hard not to think about what is going to happen down the road with your marriage. Most recovery programs, 12 step or non 12 step, really stress the point of not making ANY major life decisions during the first year of recovery. During the early recovery process your wife is going tomake up her mind (and then change it) 100 times a day in the beginning. That is because the emotions are on a roller coaster because all of a sudden our coping mechsnism (drugs)is no longer available! to us and it takes a good amount of time to replace the unhealthy way we have dealt with life with a more psoitive behavior.
I have to stop here for now because I am so tired I am seeing double and I can;t quite put my thoughts into words! I will post more tomorrow after I get some much needed rest! Take care and adieu until the morning!
Please stay away from the Narcanon (Scientology). I thought I had researched and found a good christian based Rehab...only to find out that Hubbards picture was placed next to a picture of God. I had to get my son put of that place FAST.
Addiction is very stressful. I will keep you in my prayers.
Take care of YOU !!!!
Paula
Addiction is very stressful. I will keep you in my prayers.
Take care of YOU !!!!
Paula
M- I just want to put out a few more thoughts:
- your wife (and anyone in this situation) may feel pressured when being asked questions such as - how do you feel about our marriage, what do you want to do about --blank--, and so on. She probably is not on the same page as you at this time, and does not want to tell you exactly how she feels or hurt your feelings or give you false hope. Her feelings may change over time. and then you will be saying "last week you said this! " and so on. Therefore it is safer and easier for her to say nothing or very little or she "doesnt know".
- when talking to her therapist you brought up things your wife did in the past and expect the therapist to have an opinion about that. It is not the therapist position to help you cast blame or judge or make sure your wife tells the whole truth.
- when your wife says nothing, that is the answer to your questions. you may not get the answers you want to hear.
I know it is completely frustrating and very hard to wrap your mind around the fact that the happy life you had pictured for yourself and your wife might be crumbling.
It will take time. Humm .... change the things you can, and leave the rest alone.
you cant make someone do things the way you want them to.
I find this with my son. He is working full time, and spends his paycheck quickly in the first week, and then barely gets thru the second week. (this has always been his pattern) week after week he does not change or adjust what he is spending on. He has been in rehab and recovery, but he is still spending on some amount of drugs/medication. It seems to me that he should have 200 per week left over after (basic needs-$250). and he does not buy other things he needs - better shoes for work, new sun glasses - which he always used to buy.... items he will need sooner or later when his shoes are falling apart.... but he can not see that far ahead, even though it has happened in the past.... Ugh! so where is the extra 200 going..... he tells me gas and food and cig....If that were true then he would be spending 450 on gas, food and cigs, then he should not be complaining about not having enough $$ for gas, food and cigs.. this makes him miserable - and miserable to be around - yet he does not cut back or alter the way his is spending.....
there's nothing I can do to "see" what he is spending on and I cant spend 24 hrs a day w him to make him spend the way that I want him to spend. He acts like he doesnt know where the $$ goes. acts like there's no way to account for it... It scrambles my brain when I think about it. the want to buy new shoes is not stronger than the want to spend $ on the street. I cant make him change that until he wants to change it. It is easy for me to think that he "doesnt understand", and hard for me to think that he does understand, but chooses to do what he does, and pretends that he does not understand..... and that is confusing for me.
he will have health insurance soon and says he wants to go to dr for meds so he does not have to spend on the street. I think that is a good idea, maybe something will change when he has to talk to a therapist. we will see if he follows thru - which could take months to get started and many more months to see changes. I can only keep encouraging good ideas, suggestions, and wait and watch.
his work is exhausting - so he is always exhausted and miserable. and does not understand that in this case $ would buy him happiness if he stopped spending on the street! this makes my mind want to scream! I can only watch and wait.
- your wife (and anyone in this situation) may feel pressured when being asked questions such as - how do you feel about our marriage, what do you want to do about --blank--, and so on. She probably is not on the same page as you at this time, and does not want to tell you exactly how she feels or hurt your feelings or give you false hope. Her feelings may change over time. and then you will be saying "last week you said this! " and so on. Therefore it is safer and easier for her to say nothing or very little or she "doesnt know".
- when talking to her therapist you brought up things your wife did in the past and expect the therapist to have an opinion about that. It is not the therapist position to help you cast blame or judge or make sure your wife tells the whole truth.
- when your wife says nothing, that is the answer to your questions. you may not get the answers you want to hear.
I know it is completely frustrating and very hard to wrap your mind around the fact that the happy life you had pictured for yourself and your wife might be crumbling.
It will take time. Humm .... change the things you can, and leave the rest alone.
you cant make someone do things the way you want them to.
I find this with my son. He is working full time, and spends his paycheck quickly in the first week, and then barely gets thru the second week. (this has always been his pattern) week after week he does not change or adjust what he is spending on. He has been in rehab and recovery, but he is still spending on some amount of drugs/medication. It seems to me that he should have 200 per week left over after (basic needs-$250). and he does not buy other things he needs - better shoes for work, new sun glasses - which he always used to buy.... items he will need sooner or later when his shoes are falling apart.... but he can not see that far ahead, even though it has happened in the past.... Ugh! so where is the extra 200 going..... he tells me gas and food and cig....If that were true then he would be spending 450 on gas, food and cigs, then he should not be complaining about not having enough $$ for gas, food and cigs.. this makes him miserable - and miserable to be around - yet he does not cut back or alter the way his is spending.....
there's nothing I can do to "see" what he is spending on and I cant spend 24 hrs a day w him to make him spend the way that I want him to spend. He acts like he doesnt know where the $$ goes. acts like there's no way to account for it... It scrambles my brain when I think about it. the want to buy new shoes is not stronger than the want to spend $ on the street. I cant make him change that until he wants to change it. It is easy for me to think that he "doesnt understand", and hard for me to think that he does understand, but chooses to do what he does, and pretends that he does not understand..... and that is confusing for me.
he will have health insurance soon and says he wants to go to dr for meds so he does not have to spend on the street. I think that is a good idea, maybe something will change when he has to talk to a therapist. we will see if he follows thru - which could take months to get started and many more months to see changes. I can only keep encouraging good ideas, suggestions, and wait and watch.
his work is exhausting - so he is always exhausted and miserable. and does not understand that in this case $ would buy him happiness if he stopped spending on the street! this makes my mind want to scream! I can only watch and wait.
Hey Michael....
Ok.... let me not sugar coat... Wifey needs around 1 year of being in remission before she will start to definitively know what she wants re you and your marriage. I understand you've already waited 3 years, but the $64k question is can you wait one more year... without putting any pressure on her for a decision.... or a sign.... or even a warm handshake?? From what you said.... and the way you are acting....it seems that you only have another few weeks... at best a couple of months... of patience left in you. That's ok. Addiction could turn Mother Teresa into Freddie Kruger. If you've only got a few weeks of patience left..... if you have to have answers now from her.... if you want a commitment in the very short term.... perhaps you should think about calling it quits now. This way you have more control over your feelings & future.... you can exhale.... you can heal.
I don't know what the "right" answer is for you .... to wait or not to wait. Or... exactly how long you may have to wait on her. Only you can make that call. But that does not mean that you have to put your life on pause while you wait on her. A marriage is only as strong as the sum of its parts. So.... use this time to get stronger... as an individual. That's what she is supposed to be doing, too. And if going away for the summer will help you revive & revitalize you.... and make you feel good about you... and help you recover.... it sounds like a wonderful idea.
Lynn
Ok.... let me not sugar coat... Wifey needs around 1 year of being in remission before she will start to definitively know what she wants re you and your marriage. I understand you've already waited 3 years, but the $64k question is can you wait one more year... without putting any pressure on her for a decision.... or a sign.... or even a warm handshake?? From what you said.... and the way you are acting....it seems that you only have another few weeks... at best a couple of months... of patience left in you. That's ok. Addiction could turn Mother Teresa into Freddie Kruger. If you've only got a few weeks of patience left..... if you have to have answers now from her.... if you want a commitment in the very short term.... perhaps you should think about calling it quits now. This way you have more control over your feelings & future.... you can exhale.... you can heal.
I don't know what the "right" answer is for you .... to wait or not to wait. Or... exactly how long you may have to wait on her. Only you can make that call. But that does not mean that you have to put your life on pause while you wait on her. A marriage is only as strong as the sum of its parts. So.... use this time to get stronger... as an individual. That's what she is supposed to be doing, too. And if going away for the summer will help you revive & revitalize you.... and make you feel good about you... and help you recover.... it sounds like a wonderful idea.
Lynn
Lynn,
WOW, frankly it would be literally impossible for me to wait a year for her to decide if she wants to remain married! Living by myself in our home in Colorado, which is rather isolated, well I would not survive it.
Plus there's the financial aspect. I am paying all the bills on the house as well as maintaining it.
As for her, Her settlement money is starting to roll in, she's received $45,000 so far and will be receiving another $155,000 over the next three years.
If we were living together or even near each other so we could work on our relationship, I could deal with that. Her living 2000 miles away, staying with family, well I just see our relationship dying away from time and distance.
She is leaving on July 11, Tuesday, to go to her cousins in upstate New York. I am going to be in New Jersey starting at the end of July. I thought we could chat on the phone and perhaps start to see each other and go to therapy together.
To ask anyone to wait a year to find out if their wife wants to continue the marriage or not, well that's just cruel and uncaring.
The real problem here is that my wife blames her drug addiction on our difficulties in our marriage. The truth is the difficulties in our marriage were due to her drug addiction. Until she accepts responsibility for her addiction, there is no going forward.
The really crazy thing, as far as I'm concerned, is that a week ago Friday we had a hour-long conversation on her cell phone in which we got along splendidly, laughing and joking like the old days.
I know that she doesn't know what she wants, but I'm sorry I get to have a life too!
If our phone conversations are going well, and we start to see each other and work on our relationship then I have all the patience in the world.
If she needs a year away from me to get better, then doesn't that indicate that being with me will make her worse or cause her to start using drugs again, and therefore she should never be with me!
I am planning on giving it until the end of August before I make a decision. I'm sure I will know, depending on how things are going, long before that what that decision will be. As I told her on the phone, we can either work to grow together or we can work to grow apart.
I understand what you mean about using this time to get stronger as an individual. And the summer will be about the right amount of time for me. A year of my life, waiting for my wife to make a decision, well that's not for me!
In the article you recommended that I read , Which I did, this was item number nine
9) Dont accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a familys home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting ones work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning ones day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
So I'm not accommodating her disease, I'm asking her to act like a responsible loving partner and decide whether she wishes to continue the relationship or not because it is unfair of her to expect me to put my life on hold for another year while she gets better so that then she can decide whether she wants to continue the marriage or not!
Michael
WOW, frankly it would be literally impossible for me to wait a year for her to decide if she wants to remain married! Living by myself in our home in Colorado, which is rather isolated, well I would not survive it.
Plus there's the financial aspect. I am paying all the bills on the house as well as maintaining it.
As for her, Her settlement money is starting to roll in, she's received $45,000 so far and will be receiving another $155,000 over the next three years.
If we were living together or even near each other so we could work on our relationship, I could deal with that. Her living 2000 miles away, staying with family, well I just see our relationship dying away from time and distance.
She is leaving on July 11, Tuesday, to go to her cousins in upstate New York. I am going to be in New Jersey starting at the end of July. I thought we could chat on the phone and perhaps start to see each other and go to therapy together.
To ask anyone to wait a year to find out if their wife wants to continue the marriage or not, well that's just cruel and uncaring.
The real problem here is that my wife blames her drug addiction on our difficulties in our marriage. The truth is the difficulties in our marriage were due to her drug addiction. Until she accepts responsibility for her addiction, there is no going forward.
The really crazy thing, as far as I'm concerned, is that a week ago Friday we had a hour-long conversation on her cell phone in which we got along splendidly, laughing and joking like the old days.
I know that she doesn't know what she wants, but I'm sorry I get to have a life too!
If our phone conversations are going well, and we start to see each other and work on our relationship then I have all the patience in the world.
If she needs a year away from me to get better, then doesn't that indicate that being with me will make her worse or cause her to start using drugs again, and therefore she should never be with me!
I am planning on giving it until the end of August before I make a decision. I'm sure I will know, depending on how things are going, long before that what that decision will be. As I told her on the phone, we can either work to grow together or we can work to grow apart.
I understand what you mean about using this time to get stronger as an individual. And the summer will be about the right amount of time for me. A year of my life, waiting for my wife to make a decision, well that's not for me!
In the article you recommended that I read , Which I did, this was item number nine
9) Dont accommodate the disease.
Addiction is a subtle foe. It will infiltrate a familys home, lifestyle, and attitudes in a way that can go unnoticed by the family. As the disease progresses within the family system, the family will unknowingly accommodate its presence. Examples of accommodation include locking up ones and other valuables, not inviting guests for fear that the alcoholic or addict might embarrass them, adjusting ones work schedule to be home with the addict or alcoholic, and planning ones day around events involving the alcoholic or addict.
So I'm not accommodating her disease, I'm asking her to act like a responsible loving partner and decide whether she wishes to continue the relationship or not because it is unfair of her to expect me to put my life on hold for another year while she gets better so that then she can decide whether she wants to continue the marriage or not!
Michael
Lynn,
One final thought!
My sister's husband was also a opiate addict, and after 45 days of rehab he could not wait to get home with his wife, my sister, and repair the damage he had done to her and his marriage.
I'm probably repeating myself, but my wife is blaming me for her addiction! If that attitude continues, not only will our marriage end, but she will go back to using drugs because after all it is my fault and not her responsibility.
Michael
One final thought!
My sister's husband was also a opiate addict, and after 45 days of rehab he could not wait to get home with his wife, my sister, and repair the damage he had done to her and his marriage.
I'm probably repeating myself, but my wife is blaming me for her addiction! If that attitude continues, not only will our marriage end, but she will go back to using drugs because after all it is my fault and not her responsibility.
Michael
Hi again, I have to say I agree with you Michael. I wouldn't put my life on hold either. I think this going to NY is a load of bologna if you ask me. Anyone being away from loved ones and family usually want to be back with them asap. So just give her the benefit of the doubt and see what her next excuse for staying away will be once she gets to NY. Plus..don't put any pressure on her because she's already under enough with trying to kick the drug habit. Remember Rome wasn't built in a day. You've been with her long enough to know what's going through her head and how to read her actions. Like Libby said in your other post, follow your instincts. Drug addicts are great manipulators so sometimes you have to read between the lines. I would think your brother in law could give you good advice with him already been through this too. Your doing good, hang in there and good luck to you. Mary
Mary,
Good morning and Thanks for your supporting my position.
She did this last year as well. What I mean is, in the middle of May she went to the store and wound up in Arizona to clear her head. She stayed with her alcoholic cousin so she could do her drugs Without anyone complaining or bothering her. She did this for two months, returned in the middle of July because I was injured and I needed some home care. When she said she was going back to Arizona I said that if she did I would file for divorce because there was no point in being married if we were not going to be together. She decided to stay.
It's kind of funny, all of my friends including my sister whose husband was an opiate addict, say that I have gone above and beyond what anyone else would put up with and it is time to file for divorce and start your life over again. I have one friend who, after apologizing for what he was going to say, asked me do you want to stay married to a drug addict? It was a very provocative question, one that has given me pause, although the heart does what the heart does!
On this forum as well as folks at ran anon, the opinion is to give her time to get her feet on the ground and figure out what she's the doing and what she wants. Even her counselor told me that my wife does not know what she wants.
You're right about another thing, my wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for nine. I believe I can say with great confidence that I know what is going on in her mind, at the deepest levels.
She leaves the rehab center on Tuesday, the 11th, and I'm sure it's going to be quite a shock to lose that huge support system and structured way of life. I think that's why she wants to go to her cousins, it will be a semi support system in that her meals will be cooked for her, living in a fully furnished home, surrounded by family who will support her. Plus she does not have to deal with our relationship and her responsibility for her addiction.
While I will give her until the end of August to make a decision, about us anyway, a decision has to be made. If that is perceived as pressure, well that's what real life is like!
I will keep you posted, thanks for everyone's support,
Michael
Good morning and Thanks for your supporting my position.
She did this last year as well. What I mean is, in the middle of May she went to the store and wound up in Arizona to clear her head. She stayed with her alcoholic cousin so she could do her drugs Without anyone complaining or bothering her. She did this for two months, returned in the middle of July because I was injured and I needed some home care. When she said she was going back to Arizona I said that if she did I would file for divorce because there was no point in being married if we were not going to be together. She decided to stay.
It's kind of funny, all of my friends including my sister whose husband was an opiate addict, say that I have gone above and beyond what anyone else would put up with and it is time to file for divorce and start your life over again. I have one friend who, after apologizing for what he was going to say, asked me do you want to stay married to a drug addict? It was a very provocative question, one that has given me pause, although the heart does what the heart does!
On this forum as well as folks at ran anon, the opinion is to give her time to get her feet on the ground and figure out what she's the doing and what she wants. Even her counselor told me that my wife does not know what she wants.
You're right about another thing, my wife and I have been together for 10 years, married for nine. I believe I can say with great confidence that I know what is going on in her mind, at the deepest levels.
She leaves the rehab center on Tuesday, the 11th, and I'm sure it's going to be quite a shock to lose that huge support system and structured way of life. I think that's why she wants to go to her cousins, it will be a semi support system in that her meals will be cooked for her, living in a fully furnished home, surrounded by family who will support her. Plus she does not have to deal with our relationship and her responsibility for her addiction.
While I will give her until the end of August to make a decision, about us anyway, a decision has to be made. If that is perceived as pressure, well that's what real life is like!
I will keep you posted, thanks for everyone's support,
Michael
Oh Michael.....I think something in my last post was miscommunicated or I mis-spoke. I'm sorry. I was asking could you live the next year in this grey area ..... not knowing what she wants, having her change her mind, being selfish ... without you pressing her about when, if and how she was coming home. ... or asking her to give you some consistent signs that in the end she wants your marriage to work. OR.....do you need answers...direction...something sooner.
I can see both sides....that's why I'm not advocating one choice over another... I'll support whatever decision you ultimately make.
The incurable romantic in me hopes that y'all can work through this. Ten years together.... 9 married... is nothing to sneeze at. Plus.... I hear how much you love her and how badly you want sober Wifey back. In the scheme of things, giving this more time, up to one more year, is no big deal.
Then....there is the other side....the one that hates the grey area.....that agrees you have been very very patient & understanding already..... doesn't understand why she is abandoning you now that she is in remission.... and agrees you are not a martyr. This is the side that screams, "Run Forrest. Run". When to run? Not sure.... but end of August, 6 more weeks, sounds good. She should know something by that time. And if she is still indecisive.....I know me... I'd make the decision for her.... and it would be adios.
My advice? Go to Jersey.... go down the shore... look at the ocean. Hopefully, you will find the waves & salt air soothing and you will refind you . ... and then you can determine which path & when is best for you!
I'm pro-Michael. And I've got my pom poms at the ready ....
Lynn
Xoxo
I can see both sides....that's why I'm not advocating one choice over another... I'll support whatever decision you ultimately make.
The incurable romantic in me hopes that y'all can work through this. Ten years together.... 9 married... is nothing to sneeze at. Plus.... I hear how much you love her and how badly you want sober Wifey back. In the scheme of things, giving this more time, up to one more year, is no big deal.
Then....there is the other side....the one that hates the grey area.....that agrees you have been very very patient & understanding already..... doesn't understand why she is abandoning you now that she is in remission.... and agrees you are not a martyr. This is the side that screams, "Run Forrest. Run". When to run? Not sure.... but end of August, 6 more weeks, sounds good. She should know something by that time. And if she is still indecisive.....I know me... I'd make the decision for her.... and it would be adios.
My advice? Go to Jersey.... go down the shore... look at the ocean. Hopefully, you will find the waves & salt air soothing and you will refind you . ... and then you can determine which path & when is best for you!
I'm pro-Michael. And I've got my pom poms at the ready ....
Lynn
Xoxo
Hi, I tend to agree with your friends too. I wouldn't put up with much more of her nonsense either. I'm sure your patience must be wearing thin. Her getting out of rehab and coming into money is not a good thing either. Maybe this is why she's going to NY in the first place, she knew the money would be available to her by then. This taking off to go shopping and ending up in Arizona is ridiculous too. What is it she keeps running away from? Or is it she just needs her own space every so often to party? Has she ever been a person who was settled? You shouldn't have to be this woman's babysitter or voice of reasoning. She needs to grow up! Sorry I can't be more help. Mary.
Lynn,
I appreciate you understanding my position. I'm probably repeating myself but I would be able to give her much more space and not pressure her if we were working on the relationship in some manner. I know that may sound contradictory, but so is I need lots of time away from you, so that I can heal, so that I can be with you.
I am also an incurable romantic, and I give 110% to this relationship and to my wife is the same was coming back.
I know you say that giving up one more year is no big deal. In this regard I have to disagree, because for my own medical/psychological/emotional health I cannot sit on a shelf for that length of time. and then To have my wife decide that, no she doesn't work on the relationship, or that now we can start working on the relationship. The anger and resentment, after waiting a year, would poison our relationship. Finally, I think it would be very unhealthy, for both me and my wife, to allow my wife to have that kind of power.
Making the decision for my wife at the end of August, if she can't make one, is certainly an option. Another option that a friend presented to me was to say let's not communicate for a month, you go forward with your life and I will go forward with mine. Indicating that I would not be waiting for her anymore but would be actively seeking someone else. Realizing that I was no longer waiting for her, no longer being her safety net, no longer being her backup plan, perhaps that would help her make up her mind
I will be following your advice to the T. I'm starting out in Virginia for a week, visiting with friends, and leaving this coming Thursday . After that is visiting family and friends in New Jersey, taking it one day at a time. You never know what's around the next corner!
Whatever happens, I look forward to seeing you waving your pom poms
Michael
I appreciate you understanding my position. I'm probably repeating myself but I would be able to give her much more space and not pressure her if we were working on the relationship in some manner. I know that may sound contradictory, but so is I need lots of time away from you, so that I can heal, so that I can be with you.
I am also an incurable romantic, and I give 110% to this relationship and to my wife is the same was coming back.
I know you say that giving up one more year is no big deal. In this regard I have to disagree, because for my own medical/psychological/emotional health I cannot sit on a shelf for that length of time. and then To have my wife decide that, no she doesn't work on the relationship, or that now we can start working on the relationship. The anger and resentment, after waiting a year, would poison our relationship. Finally, I think it would be very unhealthy, for both me and my wife, to allow my wife to have that kind of power.
Making the decision for my wife at the end of August, if she can't make one, is certainly an option. Another option that a friend presented to me was to say let's not communicate for a month, you go forward with your life and I will go forward with mine. Indicating that I would not be waiting for her anymore but would be actively seeking someone else. Realizing that I was no longer waiting for her, no longer being her safety net, no longer being her backup plan, perhaps that would help her make up her mind
I will be following your advice to the T. I'm starting out in Virginia for a week, visiting with friends, and leaving this coming Thursday . After that is visiting family and friends in New Jersey, taking it one day at a time. You never know what's around the next corner!
Whatever happens, I look forward to seeing you waving your pom poms
Michael
Mary,
I agree, having all of that money, which is a first for her, is not a good thing! Before I came into the picture she always live paycheck to paycheck and had to declare bankruptcy when she got divorced.
She still has the if I have money let's spend it mentality. And $200,000 buys a lot of street drugs.
So yes, my patience is wearing thin, although most of the people who know about drug addiction and rehab tell me to give her time to get stable/feet on the ground.
She ran off to Arizona because the day before I had threatened her with divorce. Crazy I know, the truth is I was trying to force her to deal with reality and she did not want to.
Her previous marriage lasted 17 years and she has two adult children and had a full-time job for 25 years so yes she was settled and stable. I agree I should not be her babysitter or her voice of reason and hopefully Rehab and the 12 step program will cause her to develop into a fully functional and healthy adult.
Only time will tell. I have promised myself that by the end of 2017 this issue will be resolved one way or the other. Life is too short to be chasing after someone who does not want to be in a relationship with me.
Michael
I agree, having all of that money, which is a first for her, is not a good thing! Before I came into the picture she always live paycheck to paycheck and had to declare bankruptcy when she got divorced.
She still has the if I have money let's spend it mentality. And $200,000 buys a lot of street drugs.
So yes, my patience is wearing thin, although most of the people who know about drug addiction and rehab tell me to give her time to get stable/feet on the ground.
She ran off to Arizona because the day before I had threatened her with divorce. Crazy I know, the truth is I was trying to force her to deal with reality and she did not want to.
Her previous marriage lasted 17 years and she has two adult children and had a full-time job for 25 years so yes she was settled and stable. I agree I should not be her babysitter or her voice of reason and hopefully Rehab and the 12 step program will cause her to develop into a fully functional and healthy adult.
Only time will tell. I have promised myself that by the end of 2017 this issue will be resolved one way or the other. Life is too short to be chasing after someone who does not want to be in a relationship with me.
Michael
Hi Mikalle, At least you have a plan! I think your right in letting go if you see that nothing is getting any better. How fortunate to have so many friends who are there for you. Most would have taken off before now. People who have not gone through this misery haven't the slightest idea of how devastating it can be. I think we have to do what keeps us sane and also know when enoughs enough! I don't think there's a right or wrong way in handling addiction. I think we all just find our own way to survive. It's hard at times. I know this is very sad for you and I'm sorry your having to go through this. I've been going through it with my daughter for 19 yrs now. I always thought she would get better, but she hasn't! It's draining and sucks the life out of you if you let it. Stay strong! Take care. Mary.
Mary,
Thank you for your kind words. I think having a plan actually accomplishes two things. The first is that I get to go on with my life no matter what happens. The second and perhaps more important is that my wife realizes that her safety net, is no longer going to be sitting here in Colorado waiting patiently for her to come back whenever she feels like it.
Most of my friends are supportive, some are actually angry at me for not filing for divorce by now. You are right on the money when you say they don't know how devastating it can be
You have my support and strength in whatever way I can give it to you. I cannot fathom dealing with a child who is an addict, and doing it for 19 years. I hope you find your way out of this, and that you and your daughter get better.
Cheers,
Michael
Thank you for your kind words. I think having a plan actually accomplishes two things. The first is that I get to go on with my life no matter what happens. The second and perhaps more important is that my wife realizes that her safety net, is no longer going to be sitting here in Colorado waiting patiently for her to come back whenever she feels like it.
Most of my friends are supportive, some are actually angry at me for not filing for divorce by now. You are right on the money when you say they don't know how devastating it can be
You have my support and strength in whatever way I can give it to you. I cannot fathom dealing with a child who is an addict, and doing it for 19 years. I hope you find your way out of this, and that you and your daughter get better.
Cheers,
Michael
