well i saw the councellor who turned out to be a psychiatrist who was going to assess my situation. He was very approachable and i found myself comfortable talking to him. He was very professional yet kind and showed concern. It wasn't like the experience i had imagined. During a very emotional hour where we ran through my history and present use of drugs. we talked about my family history and all the issues in my life which cause me to want to smoke.
So why do i use? Well i now smoke to ward of the consequences of withdrawing. To prevent the uncontrollable rage and sadness that follows when i stop.
I have taken myself away from my group of friends during the past few months. I feel like i dont want to be around anyone. I just want to sit home and smoke and drink. I don't feel the joy and relaxation i used to feel when visiting a friend for a cup of tea and a few cones. Pot for me isn't about socialising anymore. I feel as though i've past that. I prefer to mull at home alone.
The psychiatrist recommended a 7 day inpatient detox. This really threw me at first. I wasn't expecting it. It just seemed to be an extreme action.
After talking it through with him and later my mum and my partner, I have decided that this is a good option for me. In the past when i have tried to quit, i experienced so much anger and sadness that it overwhelmed me and i turned to alcohol. I began skulling from a scotch bottle pretty much as soon as i woke up. As the weight began to pile on and i couldn't drive anywhere i decided that pot was better than this and i went back to smoking. i
Each night i drink at least 2-4 double vodka's. I think it would be best if when i stop smoking pot i stop drinking also. The inpatient detox would be a better place to attempt this than at home.
My other reason for detox is that my children who are 3 and 7 will not have to watch that initial week. The guilt of putting my children through this has been one of my main reasons for continuing to smoke. I know that it will take alot longer than one week but at least i will have one week behind me and a new found confidence that i can survive (at least one week).
So i am booked in on the 22nd of Feb. I wish it was closer i feel like im on the edge of a cliff balancing and waiting for help to arrive.
Does anyone have any ideas on how i should spend this next few weeks?
Half of me says "go hard! Drink, smoke and be merry, forget about detox until it arrives". My more sensible, self preserving side says " start cutting down, create sacred time when i wont smoke. Maybe try to stop dinking a few days or a week before detox so it is a little easier".
But im in a bit of a panic as the time gets closer i know so does my time of being straight and that scares the hell out of me, hence more smoking and drinking to deal with it.
what a mess i have created for myself.
deep breathe in..... out.......
Oh well its time to finally go through it all and clean it up.
thanks for listening
I think the 7 day detox is a great idea if it all works$ out. Hopefully you will be exposed to some counseling, groups and learn about addiction. If you go in with the right attitude you can get a lot out of it. I have never been in rehab myself, but i have regularly attended meetings at one for years.
Absolutely, of course, the best thing you could do is stop right now, or at the very least taper off, use less and use it less often. Time to say goodbye to the old new, and let the new you, the real you come out and express itself in this world.
Absolutely, of course, the best thing you could do is stop right now, or at the very least taper off, use less and use it less often. Time to say goodbye to the old new, and let the new you, the real you come out and express itself in this world.
yep i agree with hardcharger.. I am in the same boat as both of you I guess.. the lies to yourself especially is what keeps addiction going..ok i'll just use at this and this time.. etc.. but it never ever works.. I just want a new life where I don't have to wake up and feel like I need that toke to "get me going" in the morning and during work to have that toke when I get home.. it would be all that was on my mind.. and during the times I am off the pot all I can think about at work is going home and crawling into bed and never awaking.. it's quite sad and it needs to end. Sure on the surface everything is fine when smokin weed.. it doesn't get in the way of things really.. just enhances them.. thats what keeps most pot smokers going.. but it really is limiting your potential to do something real with your life rather than just smoke it away. I am also talking with a counselor and luckily about 20 min drive from me there is a group of doctors that specialize in addiction and what they do is talk with you.. give you blood / drug tests and other various tests then from there they work out a reccommendation as to the best course of action.. ie./ in-patient..or what type of treatment is needed for you.. it's time for me to wake the f*** up and realize life is more than just getting high.. but being high is all i've known for son long now that all I want to do sober is to sleep.. right now my addiction is sleep.. thats all I want to do... and seriously if I didn't actually have things I needed to be doing I would just be at home sleeping 24/7. I am just tired all the time.. maybe its my body making up for all the time I spent staying awake later than my wife so I could smoke my brains out when she went to bed so i'd be able to crawl into bed smelling of weed while she was already alsleep and not getting in trouble :/
To sum things up. Go to treatment.. it really is the only way to acquire the tools you need.. I will be makin the call tomorrow and seeing those doctors I mentioned above.
To sum things up. Go to treatment.. it really is the only way to acquire the tools you need.. I will be makin the call tomorrow and seeing those doctors I mentioned above.
hope you make it, i have been totally addicted and can relate to what you are saying, stay off it, it does get easier(nov 10th last), i'm quite fine now going through the day without it, oh it comes up. Sometimes when i go down to the basement, I look at the back door and think of the thousand times I took a quick walk outside for a few hits. Or I have a funny feeling when I run out to the garage for something or to my car, that was always a few hits.
But for now, that deep down pain of life is gone, and I am wrapped up in some other projects. My self is coming out and expressing itself, of course that can be like a bit of a freight train(the hardcharger), but its better than the highs and lows i was having on pot. Plus the most amazing thing has happened to my marriage over the last few weeks, I hope that can last. My wife and I have found this deep love, after a trip to Vegas together(3.5 wks ago), that seems like the real thing and ready for the long haul.
Now, I have been straight before, last two times for 18mo.'s, then I got this funny feeling in my head, like I wished I had my little bottle and one hitter in my pocket to keep my company, and it kept gnawing at me, until it was satisfied. Maybe that's over, I can hope.
But for now, that deep down pain of life is gone, and I am wrapped up in some other projects. My self is coming out and expressing itself, of course that can be like a bit of a freight train(the hardcharger), but its better than the highs and lows i was having on pot. Plus the most amazing thing has happened to my marriage over the last few weeks, I hope that can last. My wife and I have found this deep love, after a trip to Vegas together(3.5 wks ago), that seems like the real thing and ready for the long haul.
Now, I have been straight before, last two times for 18mo.'s, then I got this funny feeling in my head, like I wished I had my little bottle and one hitter in my pocket to keep my company, and it kept gnawing at me, until it was satisfied. Maybe that's over, I can hope.
Hi Shark Girl,
I did an outpatient program. I feel amazing. I did my homework and was honest throughout the 4 weeks. I felt safe there and educated myself. Cried alot. Had anxiety attacks and expressed anger and shame, too. I guess if one is going to freak out, a psych setting is the right place to do it. :-) Bottom line it takes courage, so be proud. Try to stay in the present moment, maybe journal a little before you go in on the 22nd, the next few weeks will teach you alot about yourself even before you get there. You could write about things like what you're thinking before, during and after you light up or take a swig. It would probably be good info for the Doctor to know too. If you are coming here and feel comfortable sharing, you could print this up as your journal. just a thought. Good luck to you and your concern for your children is admirable. :-)
Take care.
I did an outpatient program. I feel amazing. I did my homework and was honest throughout the 4 weeks. I felt safe there and educated myself. Cried alot. Had anxiety attacks and expressed anger and shame, too. I guess if one is going to freak out, a psych setting is the right place to do it. :-) Bottom line it takes courage, so be proud. Try to stay in the present moment, maybe journal a little before you go in on the 22nd, the next few weeks will teach you alot about yourself even before you get there. You could write about things like what you're thinking before, during and after you light up or take a swig. It would probably be good info for the Doctor to know too. If you are coming here and feel comfortable sharing, you could print this up as your journal. just a thought. Good luck to you and your concern for your children is admirable. :-)
Take care.
shark girl-
what WW said...
Also I vote for the "sacred time" option, but then I would, I invented the term after all.
Maybe you could just challenge yourself to see how long you can last after getting up in the morning, An hour? two? three? And let me suggest you give up the "last hit before bed" It will help alot in the morning.
Let's face it detoxing from "max party momma" has got to be harder than from a "sacred time place", why not make it as easy as possible?
what WW said...
Also I vote for the "sacred time" option, but then I would, I invented the term after all.
Maybe you could just challenge yourself to see how long you can last after getting up in the morning, An hour? two? three? And let me suggest you give up the "last hit before bed" It will help alot in the morning.
Let's face it detoxing from "max party momma" has got to be harder than from a "sacred time place", why not make it as easy as possible?
shark girl-
what hippie said. i am his first disciple from the concept of 'sacred time'.
put smoking off some, pick your sacred time and yes skip the last hit before bed.
try it. helped me.
jojo
what hippie said. i am his first disciple from the concept of 'sacred time'.
put smoking off some, pick your sacred time and yes skip the last hit before bed.
try it. helped me.
jojo
sharkgirl,
good for you!! every one has to start somewhere. a detox program might be just what you need. i agree that with the young ages of your children, it best they not see mom going through that first few days. i think that you will come home a whole new mom. the 21st is also a really big day for me. and the anticipation of that is really driving me nuts. during my big event i will take a minute out to think of you and pray that you are doing ok.
good for you!! every one has to start somewhere. a detox program might be just what you need. i agree that with the young ages of your children, it best they not see mom going through that first few days. i think that you will come home a whole new mom. the 21st is also a really big day for me. and the anticipation of that is really driving me nuts. during my big event i will take a minute out to think of you and pray that you are doing ok.
plowking
i too am going through the wanting to sleep 24/7. i think it is starting to get a little better. other posters here have assured me that in time this will pass. hang in there. hope you have a great day and that no urges come your way.
i too am going through the wanting to sleep 24/7. i think it is starting to get a little better. other posters here have assured me that in time this will pass. hang in there. hope you have a great day and that no urges come your way.
Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive words.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. THANKYOU. THANKYOU.
I feel so much less alone knowing i have somewhere to come and feel comfortable to be honest.
So the sacred time. I always tried to do it first thing in the morning which never worked and then i was down on myself and would just mull away the rest of the day.
So i decided to chose an effective yet easy time of day to start and gain a bit of "i can do this". So i chose 2-4pm. An hour before i pick up my kids from school/ pre school so i can straighten up a bit and then an hour after we are home so i am not running off to the bong as soon as i get home.
This is day 3. Day one was easy. Day two MY GOD! Watch out! Mum is loosing it and scaring the children.
I had been out most of the day so i hadn't had a cone since 10am. By 3:30pm i was hanging out. All the drive home from town i was thinking about it but i was like "it's ok not that long". When i picked up the kids and they started moaning and arguing with each other it began to wear me down. It ended with me compltely loosing it at some frozen bread which i could not get a part. I ended up throwing the whole thing out the frount door. All in frount of my son. He ran off to his room and i went and cried anger followed by guilt.
Later that afternoon after cones the anger was still there. I have been smoking alot less well it feels like alot less. Im almost out and I REFUSE TO BUY ANYMORE. So i am forcing myself to ration what i have left.
Tonight my partner is not home till after the kids go to bed. Im scared of who i am becomming in frount of my children. When i am angry i feel so close to absolute loss of control. So close that i am trembling with fear.
Ha, Ha, Ha, on a funny note i have two baby goats looking in my frount door trying to watch what i am doing. How easy life may be if i were a goat. Sometimes after i have been SCUBA diving i get home and as i am hanging up my gear and looking at my goats i feel humbled by how lucky i am to be able to experience all the things i have and still can. (These goats don't even know the ocean exists).
I have much to look forward to past this addiction.
The question is not whether i will survive this recovery or not, but what kind of survivor i am going to be?
Thanks again people of the world for your kind words and suppport. You are all what i REALLY need right now. I think about you from time to time throughout the day and i feel energy as you may be thinking of me. I have never felt strong enough to do this as i do now.
Wishing you all a big smile. (Very precious as they have become quite uncommon).
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT. THANKYOU. THANKYOU.
I feel so much less alone knowing i have somewhere to come and feel comfortable to be honest.
So the sacred time. I always tried to do it first thing in the morning which never worked and then i was down on myself and would just mull away the rest of the day.
So i decided to chose an effective yet easy time of day to start and gain a bit of "i can do this". So i chose 2-4pm. An hour before i pick up my kids from school/ pre school so i can straighten up a bit and then an hour after we are home so i am not running off to the bong as soon as i get home.
This is day 3. Day one was easy. Day two MY GOD! Watch out! Mum is loosing it and scaring the children.
I had been out most of the day so i hadn't had a cone since 10am. By 3:30pm i was hanging out. All the drive home from town i was thinking about it but i was like "it's ok not that long". When i picked up the kids and they started moaning and arguing with each other it began to wear me down. It ended with me compltely loosing it at some frozen bread which i could not get a part. I ended up throwing the whole thing out the frount door. All in frount of my son. He ran off to his room and i went and cried anger followed by guilt.
Later that afternoon after cones the anger was still there. I have been smoking alot less well it feels like alot less. Im almost out and I REFUSE TO BUY ANYMORE. So i am forcing myself to ration what i have left.
Tonight my partner is not home till after the kids go to bed. Im scared of who i am becomming in frount of my children. When i am angry i feel so close to absolute loss of control. So close that i am trembling with fear.
Ha, Ha, Ha, on a funny note i have two baby goats looking in my frount door trying to watch what i am doing. How easy life may be if i were a goat. Sometimes after i have been SCUBA diving i get home and as i am hanging up my gear and looking at my goats i feel humbled by how lucky i am to be able to experience all the things i have and still can. (These goats don't even know the ocean exists).
I have much to look forward to past this addiction.
The question is not whether i will survive this recovery or not, but what kind of survivor i am going to be?
Thanks again people of the world for your kind words and suppport. You are all what i REALLY need right now. I think about you from time to time throughout the day and i feel energy as you may be thinking of me. I have never felt strong enough to do this as i do now.
Wishing you all a big smile. (Very precious as they have become quite uncommon).
