Detoxing From The Loved One On "h" Is "h"ell !

HI,
Haven't posted on here for a time but some of you regular posters might still be familiar with my various threads concerning my addicted bf of 4 years whose habit spans back more than 20 yrs before that and he probably has more track marks than he has periods of clean time....Sorry i didn't mean to offend anyone with that analogy...the sarcasm was more directed at him...
Well i am in the process of "detoxing" from him and let me tell you even tho i have never used heroin....i am a recovering alcoholic and i can't remember the withdrawal process being this agonizing and there are days i literally just lay on the floor and sob and think that death has got to be better than this earthly hell..
I wished i had been strong enough to walk away the first time he messed up over 4 yrs ago but i had 13 yrs clean time then myself and i remember how many times i messed up before i got it......but i only had been drinking alcoholicly for about 4 years...before i stopped.....so i thought i should be more understanding of his constant "mess ups".....but he has been messing up for over 25 yrs and not just on heroin but every other drug under the sun....
I am addicted to him and he/was my drug and since he has been on probation he has gotten meaner and colder and i haven't heard from in about 5 weeks now.....he had left some kind of message on machine...sounding a bit high on what i don't know....thinking it was beer as he can't be shooting dope on probation....accusing me of all this outlandish paranoid infidelity crap and WHAM....i haven't heard from him since....this is all i get after 4 years of the lies the physical abuse the drug use and dealing....the convictions etc ???
He was more concerned about risking going back to place he was originally staying at before he was busted where his friend who was the one who was dealing gave him up to save her own skin.....to put her mind at rest that he would not come back and do her any harm for making him take the rap for the drug trafficking charge which was later reduced to drug possession and he is on 5 years probation.......he just cuts me loose like i never meant anything to him at all and slandering my good name and me thinking all that love he professed for me was genuine all along..
Some people have suggested there is another woman and i am devastated as we always made a pact that we would tell each other no matter what before we strayed....Other friends tell me that he might indeed still be using despite probation as he still hangs out with old crowd and lives where crack and dope is sold openly right across the street and he used to cop where he is now living and maybe he doesn't care if he gets caught as doing 9 months in prison is easier than 5 yrs drug free probation....he has to go to meetings but he is drinking beer now...all he does is lie and now he has rejected me making me out to be this harlot and i am so miserable
I haven't called him or written to him as i would have done in the past but i keep waiting for the phone to ring or want to go over to his place and ask him if there indeed is another woman so at least i would know and could close the door on us and move on...
This kind of "withdrawal" is so bad and i am losing my mind and thinking i am the bad guy and just wonder why he hates me so much....he treats his using friends better than me....but when he is in trouble i am the first one he will run to.....i guess the "other" woman will take care of that now....doesn't he even want me as a friend at least ?? We shared a lot of memories and some of them were good......I don't think people are bad cause they have addictions...i think the addiction makes them do mean things....but even in his "sobriety" he is even more unkind unloving...and he wants what he wants when he wants it and he don't want me it seems

Sorry to write so much but i gotta vomit all this love gone bad sickness somewhere.....MARY
Mary, you have gone to far with this dude.