Did This Just Become My Reality?

Families / Partners of Addicts
1
First time ever posting on an online forum of any kind and how unfortunate that it is this type of situation that has initiated my desire to share and receive support anonymously. I found out within the last 48 hours that my husband has been a meth binge user for the past 7-8 years. We have been in a relationship for the last 14 years, married for 2. Ever since we started living together (about 6 years ago), he would have these re-occurring episodes every few months of disappearing for 2-3 days at a time and no one can get a hold of him. He came up with excuses such as he lost his cell phone, it ran out of battery, or he had to help a friend move out of state and left his phone at work, etc., you name it. I had countless conversations with him about how it was unacceptable to disappear for days without letting me know he was okay, and he always said, "now in retrospect, you're right. I should've called/texted/kept in contact to let you know I was okay." I always forgave him and just thought that he really didn't have a normal person's sense of "I should let my partner know about my whereabouts."

Almost 2 years ago, I found a bag of meth in his pants' pocket and confronted him. He said that it was the first time he had ever done it and that he had tried it because he was under a lot of pressure due to our upcoming wedding. I believed him, although there was always a tiny voice in the back of my mind wondering if he was still using, especially during the weekends of his disappearing acts.

But because I love him, I married him regardless.

Last week, I found out he never went to work on Weds and I was unable to get in touch with him. He also never came home. I was so frantic I filed a missing person's report with the police. On Saturday afternoon, I received a phone call from the ER and was told that I could pick him up as he was discharged. The nurse would not tell me why he was admitted. I later saw his discharge papers and confronted him about the instructions which said "avoid meth." Lies after lies, and hours later, he finally came clean and admitted to me about his usage.

Compounding the problem, I later found a number of inappropriate text messages on his phone from an ex-girlfriend. Although none of the texts from him to her were incriminating, the fact that he was receiving inappropriate photos from her was enough for me to deem it as the ultimate betrayal. He vehemently denies cheating on me (at least not physically) and said that he never said anything inappropriate or flirtatious to her.

It's now been 48 hours since I found out. I know I enabled him when I helped him lie to his parents and friends and now I have to keep lying to them. I know I enabled him when I got off topic and focused on the inappropriate texting behavior rather than his drug use. I told him that either he gets help and get clean, or I'm filing for divorce. He said he's willing to go to support groups but doesn't want to go away to rehab (or any other inpatient programs). I am insisting that at a very minimum, he starts with an outpatient program + support group.

I know I can't make him get clean and it's not my job to do so. I spent all day at work researching treatment centers and program in our city and printed out a number of options for him to choose from. I also reached out to a friend who is in AA to get some perspective and insight. I reiterated to him tonight that unless he gets help and gets clean, I am going to leave him. All he could say was "I'll take a look at what you've found."

My plan is to join Nar-Anon and figure out for myself when I will need to end this marriage if he doesn't go to treatment immediately and find a way to stop using. I don't know what to make of his intention and nonchalant actions when I presented the options to him - is it because he's still coming off of his binge and he's been completely useless (physically and mentally), or is it because he isn't ready to stop? How much time am I supposed to give him?

The other thing that is eating me from the inside is the fact that I am now a co-conspirator as I am helping him keep this ugly secret by lying to our family and friends. When do I (and should I) stop covering for him?

His addiction hasn't impacted us financially yet but I know it is just a matter of time. Fortunately, we don't have any children so that is also not an issue at this time (but we have been trying recently - which of course, now will no longer be the case).

Reading a lot of the posts on here have been helpful, and in fact, writing this in the last few minutes have helped.


2
"Did This Just Become My Reality?"

If you re-read your post I hope you see that it has been your reality for a long time.

Nar-Anon will help you see the truth of your situation and get your life back on track.

The addict is addicted to the substance.
The co-dependant/enabler is addicted to the addict.

You both have work to do.

I wish you the best.

Bob R
3
Hello, reading your post my heart skips a beat because I am in a very similar situation with my husband. I wish I had wise words for you and how to cope, but I dont. I recently had to ask my husband to leave until he is ready to get the help he needs. I was so angry and hurt when u found out about his recent relapse, now I find myself feeling guilt. As I said in my recent post I never know the fine line with support and enabling. I spent the last hour on the phone with an outpatient program to see what the best options are but I know until my husband chooses to commit and do something, we will be in the same spinning circle. I know I need help for myself in coping with his addiction. I am mentally and physically drained but I can't let him go. Please know you are not alone.
4
I have been dealing with the same thing, I feel that my life has become carrying this secret life for him, it is very hard. I left on Friday as he wanted to use all wknd and I just sit on the edge of our bed and cry while he smokes and watched porn, he only watched that garbage when he smokes, it breaks my heart so I needed to get away.
It's a very hard life and addicts seek people who enable there lifestyle. He does love me but loved crack more I guess.
I feel sorry for you because I know how you feel. I still don't know if I did the right thing.
My heart is broken.