What happened to Diff? Anyone know?
Hi, it's me. I'm alive. I am actually feeling a bit better. My head doesn't feel completely FUBAR'd. Maybe FUBSR (FU'd but still recognisable LOL). I'm OK. Recklessness runs in my veins - try to squash it down, and it finds a new place to explode out of. I'm just searching for the lesson. Looking for the understanding, and I think I'm getting my head round it now. It's all about control, like most things. Must keep reminding myself that control is an illusion.
Anyway, I'm doin' alright. And thank-you so much for your concern. I was just trying to explain to my b/f about how we have a little community here, but I couldn't say it in a way he'd understand.
love
Diff xxx
Anyway, I'm doin' alright. And thank-you so much for your concern. I was just trying to explain to my b/f about how we have a little community here, but I couldn't say it in a way he'd understand.
love
Diff xxx
..Jeff..
..She,s posting on the suboxone board now..im not sure if she,s been posting on here aswell thou..Robbie..
..She,s posting on the suboxone board now..im not sure if she,s been posting on here aswell thou..Robbie..
Hey Diff Just glad your O.K
Hang in there.
Keep posting.
Hi Robbie
You all take care
Jeff
Hang in there.
Keep posting.
Hi Robbie
You all take care
Jeff
..Jeff..
..Good to see ya..enjoy ya day/evening..Robbie..
..Good to see ya..enjoy ya day/evening..Robbie..
You to Robbie. Today was a good day. Up and down ya know?
You take care
jeff
You take care
jeff
Whew! Glad to hear Diff is ok Susan's posts made me feel a bit uneasy cause we had been posting about Wm.Burroughs, Diff said she'd started reading him & then she dropped off the radar & I sort of felt bad, 'cause sometimes books, music, movies can put yr. head in strange places. Load off my conscience...
Alaska, nobody can make someone else use. It is a personal decision every time. I don't look for excuses, I don't blame anyone, and I know that the full responsibility for my actions rests solely on my shoulders. There's nobody else to shift the blame to, nobody to pass the buck on to.
Gotta go - got a Dr's appointment...
love
Diff xxx
Gotta go - got a Dr's appointment...
love
Diff xxx
Hey Diff good to see you --2 days in a row. How are you? I am not exactly sure of the entire situation with your B.F but does not sound good for your recovery.
Can you leave?
are you O.K
You are awesome do not leave like that again please. Had me worried.
Diff you know what you have to do to help yourself. Are you willing to go all the way.
I left my girls house dog you name it cause it was sabotaging my recovery.
Whatever you do you have friends here.
Jeff
Can you leave?
are you O.K
You are awesome do not leave like that again please. Had me worried.
Diff you know what you have to do to help yourself. Are you willing to go all the way.
I left my girls house dog you name it cause it was sabotaging my recovery.
Whatever you do you have friends here.
Jeff
Thanks jeff, but I'm OK, really I am.
love as always
Diff xxxx
love as always
Diff xxxx
Diff
I glad YOU feel better- >so do I -
thanks for your concern and love -I know its sincere
you know I feel a special kinship with you
nothing but the best!!
much love
jack
I glad YOU feel better- >so do I -
thanks for your concern and love -I know its sincere
you know I feel a special kinship with you
nothing but the best!!
much love
jack
Dear Diff and Jack,
I'm glad to see BOTH of you back posting! :) What a relief!!!!
I didn't get a chance to post much the past two days. My mom had a few bad days. We had just increased her pain medication but she was still in pain. Had to supplement. Now today, we didn't have to supplement and she was fine. She was also being treated for excessive swelling...I mean EXCESSIVE! Today we had to go dismantle her bed and get a hospital bed delivered. Then my sister and I went back to go through some more stuff at her condo. Meanwhile my house is falling apart even worse than it's been! I don't even want to come home to it anymore! One day at a time. I don't know how much time I have left with my mom. I'm not going to miss it to clean my house. It will wait for me!
Love,
Susan
I'm glad to see BOTH of you back posting! :) What a relief!!!!
I didn't get a chance to post much the past two days. My mom had a few bad days. We had just increased her pain medication but she was still in pain. Had to supplement. Now today, we didn't have to supplement and she was fine. She was also being treated for excessive swelling...I mean EXCESSIVE! Today we had to go dismantle her bed and get a hospital bed delivered. Then my sister and I went back to go through some more stuff at her condo. Meanwhile my house is falling apart even worse than it's been! I don't even want to come home to it anymore! One day at a time. I don't know how much time I have left with my mom. I'm not going to miss it to clean my house. It will wait for me!
Love,
Susan
Dear Alaska,
I'm so sorry if my words made you feel bad. Diff's original request for prayer was pretty vague, so I was grabbing at straws. I had no idea about the discussion about Burrough's books until you mentioned it on the other thread. Then I went back and read the posts on Naked Lunch. That triggered a problem we had with my son over listening to the wrong kind of music and my imagination ran away with me! I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad about it. I was just trying to figure out what was going on with Diff.
Love,
Susan
I'm so sorry if my words made you feel bad. Diff's original request for prayer was pretty vague, so I was grabbing at straws. I had no idea about the discussion about Burrough's books until you mentioned it on the other thread. Then I went back and read the posts on Naked Lunch. That triggered a problem we had with my son over listening to the wrong kind of music and my imagination ran away with me! I didn't mean to make anyone feel bad about it. I was just trying to figure out what was going on with Diff.
Love,
Susan
Thanks Jack, I'm really glad you have got your head together now. It shocks you, doesn't it, how easy it is to slip up. I don't know if it was the gear, or just my messed up mind, but I felt so disjointed, so ill at ease with the world, as if I was an imposter in my own skin. I looked around at the people in my life, people who I live cheek by jowl with, and I suddenly thought "You don't know me at all. You have no idea who I am, and where I'm at. We live on different planets..." It made me feel very lost, as if nothing was the same. It shook my trust in everything for a few days, and that can sort of snowball, coz people can sense the sudden insecurity, and it makes them suspicious and wary, and that just makes you even more insecure.
I think my problem is although I haven't been involved in the whole hard drug scene (smack and crack) for a long time now, my contacts are continuously being renewed. I live in a small town with a big drug problem, and I bump into dealers all the time. And I mean virtually every time I step out my front door. I just popped out to pick up a few cans to go with the game (Scarlets are playing at Stradey) and I was standing in the queue for the till, and there was this guy in front of me. I recognised the profile, but not the body, and thought "f*** me! He's outta clink!" It was the guy I used to "work" for, when I was doing drug runs. Long story, but I got busted, but was lucky coz they didn't find the gear, but on the search warrant some of my file had been accidently carbon copied onto it, and I read enough to know that they were onto me, and they knew who I was working for. So, I told the guy, and quit my "job". He then had to do his own drug runs, and as predicted, got busted, and got a 6 year stretch for his trouble. I haven't seen him since he went down. I knew he was coming out this year, but didn't know when. I was a little anxious about bumping into him, coz there was bad blood between us due to me refusing to do his runs any more. I knew it would only do my head in if I didn't at least say something, just to see how the land was lying and if I was going to get hassle, so I tapped him on the shoulder and said hello. I was relieved that we were able to have an conversation without any "niggles". But now I have another career criminal dealer living more or less at the end of my road. And I have loads of others who I see on a regular basis. They say to cut your ties, and I tried, but I've got contacts everywhere within about a 100 mile radius, due to my career as a dealer. And I do have a certain fear of these people, coz you piss 'em off, and they can make your life a living hell, so I try to make it casual and cordial, and just say hi, but walk away. I've moved house 3 times, I've changed my number, but I know that I could walk out my front door and score and be back home in 15 mins. It's tough to move on in a place like this. But it's not an excuse. I know I can't change that, but it's me who's changed.
So it's back to one day at a time. I was starting to see things weeks or even months at a time, but I'm just thinking stay away from it for today, and let tomorrow take care of itself. The good thing is that it really isn't doing my head in any more. I don't get those mad uncontrollable cravings. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not having heroin in my life, not at all. But I need to get out of this $hithole town. I'm very glad that I''ll be at TT this month, and I'm gonna be gone about 3 weeks. It couldn't have come at a better time, and it's something I've wanted to do for years and years. Me and my ex-husband used to talk about going to the TT, but we never ever did it. So it's like a little reward for kicking the habit. I don't have to worry about scripts, I don't have to worry about scoring, I can just up and go, and I think I'm due a little demonstration of the benefits of being clean. And I get to see Lou Reed play the festival, another life time ambition. Already got the tickets...
love
Diff xxx
PS. Susan, I'm sorry that your mom is poorly. I'm glad that you've got your priorities straight though. Now, stop worrying about your little waifs and strays here, and sod the damned housework (I live with an obsessively tidy man, and I KNOW that it's a sign of a sick mind!) and go spend some QT with your family!
love as always xxxxx
I think my problem is although I haven't been involved in the whole hard drug scene (smack and crack) for a long time now, my contacts are continuously being renewed. I live in a small town with a big drug problem, and I bump into dealers all the time. And I mean virtually every time I step out my front door. I just popped out to pick up a few cans to go with the game (Scarlets are playing at Stradey) and I was standing in the queue for the till, and there was this guy in front of me. I recognised the profile, but not the body, and thought "f*** me! He's outta clink!" It was the guy I used to "work" for, when I was doing drug runs. Long story, but I got busted, but was lucky coz they didn't find the gear, but on the search warrant some of my file had been accidently carbon copied onto it, and I read enough to know that they were onto me, and they knew who I was working for. So, I told the guy, and quit my "job". He then had to do his own drug runs, and as predicted, got busted, and got a 6 year stretch for his trouble. I haven't seen him since he went down. I knew he was coming out this year, but didn't know when. I was a little anxious about bumping into him, coz there was bad blood between us due to me refusing to do his runs any more. I knew it would only do my head in if I didn't at least say something, just to see how the land was lying and if I was going to get hassle, so I tapped him on the shoulder and said hello. I was relieved that we were able to have an conversation without any "niggles". But now I have another career criminal dealer living more or less at the end of my road. And I have loads of others who I see on a regular basis. They say to cut your ties, and I tried, but I've got contacts everywhere within about a 100 mile radius, due to my career as a dealer. And I do have a certain fear of these people, coz you piss 'em off, and they can make your life a living hell, so I try to make it casual and cordial, and just say hi, but walk away. I've moved house 3 times, I've changed my number, but I know that I could walk out my front door and score and be back home in 15 mins. It's tough to move on in a place like this. But it's not an excuse. I know I can't change that, but it's me who's changed.
So it's back to one day at a time. I was starting to see things weeks or even months at a time, but I'm just thinking stay away from it for today, and let tomorrow take care of itself. The good thing is that it really isn't doing my head in any more. I don't get those mad uncontrollable cravings. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not having heroin in my life, not at all. But I need to get out of this $hithole town. I'm very glad that I''ll be at TT this month, and I'm gonna be gone about 3 weeks. It couldn't have come at a better time, and it's something I've wanted to do for years and years. Me and my ex-husband used to talk about going to the TT, but we never ever did it. So it's like a little reward for kicking the habit. I don't have to worry about scripts, I don't have to worry about scoring, I can just up and go, and I think I'm due a little demonstration of the benefits of being clean. And I get to see Lou Reed play the festival, another life time ambition. Already got the tickets...
love
Diff xxx
PS. Susan, I'm sorry that your mom is poorly. I'm glad that you've got your priorities straight though. Now, stop worrying about your little waifs and strays here, and sod the damned housework (I live with an obsessively tidy man, and I KNOW that it's a sign of a sick mind!) and go spend some QT with your family!
love as always xxxxx
Dear Diff,
We had mom out for a luncheon at church. I think she's getting close to being bed ridden. Her legs seem weak. Either that or it's a reaction to the large dose of medicine they put her on to get the swelling down. I hope she can come off the supplemental dose tomorrow. It took every ounce of strength my sister and I had to get her in and out of the car today. I'm going to check to see if vans that carry wheelchairs are available for rental. One day at a time! Please keep the prayers coming for her!
Love,
Susan
We had mom out for a luncheon at church. I think she's getting close to being bed ridden. Her legs seem weak. Either that or it's a reaction to the large dose of medicine they put her on to get the swelling down. I hope she can come off the supplemental dose tomorrow. It took every ounce of strength my sister and I had to get her in and out of the car today. I'm going to check to see if vans that carry wheelchairs are available for rental. One day at a time! Please keep the prayers coming for her!
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan, I know that problem only too well, when dealing with my ex. We had to push like merry hell to get the disability team to sit up and take notice, and for a long time it was just me on my own caring for him, and I'm not the biggest person in the world, and it was a real heart-in-your-mouth experience when transferring him from bed to chair, chair to sofa, sofa to chair, chair to car etc, and I did drop him a few times... Now he has a hoist, but it's no use for the car. I used to work for a paralysed guy who broke his neck playing rugby, and the Welsh Rugby Union bought him a van specially adapted so he could just drive his electric wheelchair up the ramp and we could clip it down with special "seatbelt" type straps and we could quite easily go anywhere, so I know it's possible.
But I'm glad that you at least got to take her out for lunch. These times are precious.
OK, I'm off to see my psychiatrist now...
love as always
Diff xxx
But I'm glad that you at least got to take her out for lunch. These times are precious.
OK, I'm off to see my psychiatrist now...
love as always
Diff xxx
Dear Diff,
You must be Superwoman to be able to lift him by yourself! Bless your heart!
Mom has been on this double dose of lasix for almost a week. It says that an overdose of it can make them weak in their muscles. I suspect that's what is happening although she's not eating too much either, so that could be making her weak too. This is so sad.
Love,
Susan
You must be Superwoman to be able to lift him by yourself! Bless your heart!
Mom has been on this double dose of lasix for almost a week. It says that an overdose of it can make them weak in their muscles. I suspect that's what is happening although she's not eating too much either, so that could be making her weak too. This is so sad.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan, I know, it's heartbreaking watching someone you love decline. You feel so helpless, but you have to be strong for their sakes, even though it takes every ounce of strength you have not to break down and cry every time you see one more part of them ebb away. You want to be bright and happy and positive when in their company, but in truth you are in a very fragile state of mind. It's so hard. I won't go on, because I know how I feel, but I don't know how you feel. I know in my case it has thrown up some real ethical and moral nightmares in my mind, coz I want someone to live so badly, but I want them to be the way they used to be, not the palest shadow of their former selves they are now. Part of me wishes that it would be kinder all round for them to pass on, because I know their illness has made their life unbearable, and they are so desperately and heartrenchingly understandably miserable. I know that it is different for me coz I am talking about a 33 year old man, who has had everything snatched away from him, and is terribly afraid, so afraid it has literally driven him insane.
I'm sorry, I didn't want to go on a morbid one...
love
Diff xxx
I'm sorry, I didn't want to go on a morbid one...
love
Diff xxx
Dear Diff,
In this instance, the dementia is a blessing. She has nothing to fear at least. My friend emailed me about a neighbor who has absolutely no faith background and is scared to death of what lies ahead for him. He, too, has terminal cancer...inoperable. It is sad for anyone to suffer with cancer, and hospice helps to elminate a lot of that, but even worse when the person is in the prime of his/her life. My sister and I are working towards acceptance but it's heartbreaking at the same time. Sometimes I think I slip back to denial. One day at a time. At least my family all has the faith of a better life after this one.
Love,
Susan
In this instance, the dementia is a blessing. She has nothing to fear at least. My friend emailed me about a neighbor who has absolutely no faith background and is scared to death of what lies ahead for him. He, too, has terminal cancer...inoperable. It is sad for anyone to suffer with cancer, and hospice helps to elminate a lot of that, but even worse when the person is in the prime of his/her life. My sister and I are working towards acceptance but it's heartbreaking at the same time. Sometimes I think I slip back to denial. One day at a time. At least my family all has the faith of a better life after this one.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan, I know you are going through an emotionally wraught time right now, and I wish I could do something to help you, return the favour for all you have done for me (I know that you don't give simply in order to recieve, and I could never doubt your generosity). You are just one of those wonderful people who whenever they come across someone in need, you just look inside and ask yourself how you can help. You just want to do the right thing, and that is the best anyone can aspire to, no matter what path they have taken in life. All I want to say is that I'm here for you. Some people may argue that this is way off topic for a heroin board, but I think we've earned the right to talk about whatever we want! And besides, this is the only way I can contact you my dear Susan. I know that you have a strong belief in prayer, so I'll keep them coming, not just for your mom, but for you and the rest of your family too.
love as always
Diff xxx
love as always
Diff xxx
