hey girl
how have you been? its been a year since i posted on here. i just wanted to say hello and see how you are. still clean? i have 19 months now. i'm doing good. hope to hear back from you
luv
raerae
Oh My God!!! Rae! Where have you been???? I've thought about you often. Not many of the old crew still post here. I guess it's the nature of addiction. I just hope that they got sorted and moved on. Me? I like the companionship and still enjoy talking to my friends here. Maybe coz having ditched the drugs, I've bailed on most of my "real life" friendships. Anyways, still clean. Don't even take subs any more. Clean of all dodgy s***! Did my subs rattle back in March this year and life has been a bit wild. Well, it wouldn't be me, would it, if my life wasn't completely chaotic. I don't say I'm FUBAR'd any more, coz I have some cool stuff going on as well as the mad stuff.
Right, I'll give you the compact version. I think you knew that I'd split with my ex, the one with MS. I'm still in touch with him, and see him regularly, but he really is FUBAR'd, and not through drugs, but through illness. His mind has gone AWOL and his body is more or less non-functioning. He is fed through a tube in his stomach, and is totally bedridden. After months of telling social services that I couldn't cope any more, he eventually got more or less full time care at home. But he doesn't know he's at home, coz his mind is elsewhere. He has got a fixation with me, and I find it hard seeing him, coz he gets all weepy and tells me over and over how much he loves me. When I'm not around, his carers tell me he'll scream for me for hours. So I try not encourage it, but at the same time, I do check in on him about once a week. Anyway, that's him.
I've been in another bizarre relationship, with a man who I love, (for my sins), but is bad for me. Bad for me, coz he can be violent, and emotionally abusive. I kind of got in over my head, moving in with him after only knowing him a couple of months, then realizing I had nowhere else to go when I discovered his violent and abusive side. Typical of women in those circumstances, I believed it when he said it would never happen again. But it did. I was going to call it a day, but we decided to go on holiday to the Isle of Man to see the TT in May. I dunno, it was booked and paid for, and I hadn't been anywhere for years because of my habit, so I went. We did have a good time. I really enjoyed - it was the break I really needed, and he more or less behaved himself. Came back feeling a lot more relaxed and happy. All of which went west when 2 weeks after getting home my period was late, and I did a test, and it came back positive for baby. He didn't take the news too well.
I decided that I had to get away, to find a safe place for me, the baby, and my beautiful dog, who's still with me. I pulled as many strings as possible with the council to be rehoused, and although I still haven't been able to move in, I've had a house allocated to me, and it's a nice place, but needed a lot of work, hence the long delay. But I'm hoping to get the keys by the end of the week. Then I'm gonna have to redecorate coz although the building work has been done, and I've got a new kitchen and bathroom, and new gas boiler, it still looks like a family of tramps have been living there. And I've lived in some s*** holes, but I want to make this place perfect. I'm gonna get a small grant to help with the cost, but I've already bought a lot of stuff, and I'm really happy with the bits I've accumulated so far on a real tight budget. The baby's dad has tried to financially contribute, but I've stalled on him so far, coz he's the kind of man who only gives so he can take away. He gave me a car after we'd been together a few weeks, and that became a method of keeping me captive, so in the end I gave it back, and went back to my old car which had been out of action. I borrowed the money to get it back on the road from my ex, and I've been driving it ever since. I'll let him contribute to our daughter when she's born (due in 12 weeks!!!!) and want him to be a part of her life. If he f***s with her head, then I know that I'm in a position to give her a stable loving home on my own, that I'm not relying on him for anything.
So it's a bit of a strange situation all round, and it's been tough, oh so tough. I don't know how it hasn't completely broken me to be honest. But I've kept my head above water, and I've been strong, and kept going when I didn't know how I was going to get through the next 5 mins, never mind the next five days or months. I've learned great lessons in patience. Well, I had no choice really. Sink or swim. So I swam. And when I finally move into my new home, and get it all beautiful, the way I dreamed a proper home should be, then I'm going to crawl into bed, only getting out to walk my dog and eat, drink and s***, and just hibernate in a flood of relief until my world is turned upside down by the arrival of my little girl, due at the beginning of March.
Anyway, I have to go play hostess now, coz I've got a neighbour round, so I'll love ya and leave ya.
You can fill me in on the missing blanks in your life...
love
Diff xxxxxxx
Right, I'll give you the compact version. I think you knew that I'd split with my ex, the one with MS. I'm still in touch with him, and see him regularly, but he really is FUBAR'd, and not through drugs, but through illness. His mind has gone AWOL and his body is more or less non-functioning. He is fed through a tube in his stomach, and is totally bedridden. After months of telling social services that I couldn't cope any more, he eventually got more or less full time care at home. But he doesn't know he's at home, coz his mind is elsewhere. He has got a fixation with me, and I find it hard seeing him, coz he gets all weepy and tells me over and over how much he loves me. When I'm not around, his carers tell me he'll scream for me for hours. So I try not encourage it, but at the same time, I do check in on him about once a week. Anyway, that's him.
I've been in another bizarre relationship, with a man who I love, (for my sins), but is bad for me. Bad for me, coz he can be violent, and emotionally abusive. I kind of got in over my head, moving in with him after only knowing him a couple of months, then realizing I had nowhere else to go when I discovered his violent and abusive side. Typical of women in those circumstances, I believed it when he said it would never happen again. But it did. I was going to call it a day, but we decided to go on holiday to the Isle of Man to see the TT in May. I dunno, it was booked and paid for, and I hadn't been anywhere for years because of my habit, so I went. We did have a good time. I really enjoyed - it was the break I really needed, and he more or less behaved himself. Came back feeling a lot more relaxed and happy. All of which went west when 2 weeks after getting home my period was late, and I did a test, and it came back positive for baby. He didn't take the news too well.
I decided that I had to get away, to find a safe place for me, the baby, and my beautiful dog, who's still with me. I pulled as many strings as possible with the council to be rehoused, and although I still haven't been able to move in, I've had a house allocated to me, and it's a nice place, but needed a lot of work, hence the long delay. But I'm hoping to get the keys by the end of the week. Then I'm gonna have to redecorate coz although the building work has been done, and I've got a new kitchen and bathroom, and new gas boiler, it still looks like a family of tramps have been living there. And I've lived in some s*** holes, but I want to make this place perfect. I'm gonna get a small grant to help with the cost, but I've already bought a lot of stuff, and I'm really happy with the bits I've accumulated so far on a real tight budget. The baby's dad has tried to financially contribute, but I've stalled on him so far, coz he's the kind of man who only gives so he can take away. He gave me a car after we'd been together a few weeks, and that became a method of keeping me captive, so in the end I gave it back, and went back to my old car which had been out of action. I borrowed the money to get it back on the road from my ex, and I've been driving it ever since. I'll let him contribute to our daughter when she's born (due in 12 weeks!!!!) and want him to be a part of her life. If he f***s with her head, then I know that I'm in a position to give her a stable loving home on my own, that I'm not relying on him for anything.
So it's a bit of a strange situation all round, and it's been tough, oh so tough. I don't know how it hasn't completely broken me to be honest. But I've kept my head above water, and I've been strong, and kept going when I didn't know how I was going to get through the next 5 mins, never mind the next five days or months. I've learned great lessons in patience. Well, I had no choice really. Sink or swim. So I swam. And when I finally move into my new home, and get it all beautiful, the way I dreamed a proper home should be, then I'm going to crawl into bed, only getting out to walk my dog and eat, drink and s***, and just hibernate in a flood of relief until my world is turned upside down by the arrival of my little girl, due at the beginning of March.
Anyway, I have to go play hostess now, coz I've got a neighbour round, so I'll love ya and leave ya.
You can fill me in on the missing blanks in your life...
love
Diff xxxxxxx
diff,
well sounds like you have had a lot going on. congrats on the little bun in your oven. i have a new little one, she is 2 months old this week. i have split with my husband for now. we have been apart since April. things are hard some days and easy others. lack of sleep is killing me and being a single parent is really hard. but i'll get by. i have too, and i'll do it clean. which is something in itself. 19 months now, wow. it feels weird to say 19 months. i'm not sure whats going to happen with my husband and myself. he is using and lies to me all the time. he steals from me and all kind of other sh*t. he stole money from me while i was in labor. like how low is that!! i haven't given him a chance to hurt me since then. i hope he finds his way too. i do love him, but i know i'm not in love with him anymore, i mean how could i be. my kids are doing good. they are 7 and 5 now. i can't get over how fast they grow. my oldest is in 1st grade. scary!! i feel really old right now. i'm living at home right now. i hope not for too much longer. i need a job. once i get a job and a car(i totaled mine) i'm planning on moving out of here. i wish i could get some kind of assistance for housing like you have over there. it seems like things are so much better there when you need help. anyways, i'm glad your okay and things are getting better for you. try to stay away from that guy, he's no good for you. you deserve better than being hurt. keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy.
keep in touch
luv
raerae
well sounds like you have had a lot going on. congrats on the little bun in your oven. i have a new little one, she is 2 months old this week. i have split with my husband for now. we have been apart since April. things are hard some days and easy others. lack of sleep is killing me and being a single parent is really hard. but i'll get by. i have too, and i'll do it clean. which is something in itself. 19 months now, wow. it feels weird to say 19 months. i'm not sure whats going to happen with my husband and myself. he is using and lies to me all the time. he steals from me and all kind of other sh*t. he stole money from me while i was in labor. like how low is that!! i haven't given him a chance to hurt me since then. i hope he finds his way too. i do love him, but i know i'm not in love with him anymore, i mean how could i be. my kids are doing good. they are 7 and 5 now. i can't get over how fast they grow. my oldest is in 1st grade. scary!! i feel really old right now. i'm living at home right now. i hope not for too much longer. i need a job. once i get a job and a car(i totaled mine) i'm planning on moving out of here. i wish i could get some kind of assistance for housing like you have over there. it seems like things are so much better there when you need help. anyways, i'm glad your okay and things are getting better for you. try to stay away from that guy, he's no good for you. you deserve better than being hurt. keep yourself and your baby safe and healthy.
keep in touch
luv
raerae
Sorry to break into your thread but
CONGRATULATIONS RAE-RAE on the new little daughter!!!! What did you name her?
Sorry to hear about your husband.
I'll keep you all in my prayers.
Love,
Susan
CONGRATULATIONS RAE-RAE on the new little daughter!!!! What did you name her?
Sorry to hear about your husband.
I'll keep you all in my prayers.
Love,
Susan
susan,
i named her britnee.
i'm not sorry about my husband, so don't worry. maybe he will get his sh*t together, who knows. i just know i'm not going to toss everything i've worked for away for anyone, not even him. maybe it sounds selfish, but i think its time i thought about me and what is important to me. plus my three kids deserve better than a high mommy and daddy..
how are things on your end?
raerae
i named her britnee.
i'm not sorry about my husband, so don't worry. maybe he will get his sh*t together, who knows. i just know i'm not going to toss everything i've worked for away for anyone, not even him. maybe it sounds selfish, but i think its time i thought about me and what is important to me. plus my three kids deserve better than a high mommy and daddy..
how are things on your end?
raerae
Dear Raerae,
Things have been a lot better and a lot worse. I'm not sure what my son is doing but I'm pretty sure he's abusing some substance. He started acting weird occasionally after injuring his knee on October 2nd. The doctor wouldn't prescribe any strong pain reliever (only told him to take Advil) and we believe he has torn cartilage again in his bad knee (from football). My son claims he got some flexeril from a "friend". I'm hoping and praying he gets back to recovery before he gets in too deep. He's definitely not nearly as bad as he had gotten before, but we all know where any drug abuse leads!
Please keep him in your prayers and thanks for asking.
Love,
Susan
Things have been a lot better and a lot worse. I'm not sure what my son is doing but I'm pretty sure he's abusing some substance. He started acting weird occasionally after injuring his knee on October 2nd. The doctor wouldn't prescribe any strong pain reliever (only told him to take Advil) and we believe he has torn cartilage again in his bad knee (from football). My son claims he got some flexeril from a "friend". I'm hoping and praying he gets back to recovery before he gets in too deep. He's definitely not nearly as bad as he had gotten before, but we all know where any drug abuse leads!
Please keep him in your prayers and thanks for asking.
Love,
Susan
sorry to hear that he's not doing to good. i have taken flexeril before, i used it to detox. it helped with the leg and bone aches. i don't think its addictive. but i'm not 100% sure. hang in there, hopefully things will turn around.
raerae
raerae
Hi there Rae, you know me of old, and you know I don't beat around the bush. I'm glad you ditched the husband and your attitude sounds so healthy. Don't let anyone take away what you worked so hard for. Things become much easier when you can switch off from it. I know with my ex, it used to drive me crackers when I'd be doing my best to stay away from the gear and he'd be out scoring behind my back. And lying about it. Don't know why he bothered, coz when you've had a habit, you can tell the moment you walk in the door if the person you've lived with for umpteen years is high on heroin. Just the body language is enough. I walk through town sometimes and I see people who I've never even met, and I can tell if they're on the gear or not. The sleepy eyes, the pale face, the slow speech. You just can't hide it. Anyway, with my ex, I just got to thinking, this is my life, and I will not f*** up over and over, because of YOU. If he wanted to waste his life, then let him get on with it, but I was moving on to bigger and better things. And it suddenly felt easier. When I saw he was high, I just felt pity for him, not that twisting pain inside I used to get before. You have to cut it off or it takes you down. Last time you and I talked on here, he was dragging you down, and you've done an amazing thing. You can't help him, all you can do is help yourself, and you've got three lovely kiddies, and if their daddy isn't going to get it together, then you have to. I've realised now, it's what mothers do. Sounds like you've been through the wringer, and life has been hard, but sometimes that's the best way. Another thing that I've realised is nothing worth having comes easy. Struggle makes you stronger, and ultimately more able to cope. I think sometimes the rewards for our labour seem far away, but you have to keep them in sight, and slowly make your way towards them. Your goals sound like good healthy ones to me, that will be fulfilling, and good for you and your kids. You're a true super mum now!
I'm lucky I live in the UK. We have a welfare state, which most folks here don't even realise, and if you're a mum, and you're in trouble, then you will find people who will do their best to get you out of trouble and into a safe place. I rejected the idea of moving to a womens hostel, because I had my dog to take care of, and I needed a place for him. So I've stayed with the baby's dad, but it has been at a high cost. But it's easy to be strong when you're being strong for another creature. I try hard not to break promises, and I promised my dog when he was just a tiny pup, that I'd look after him all his life. He's never done anything to hurt me, and has been nothing but loyal and loving, so I'll put up with all the crap I get, because I know there's an end in sight, and one day soon I'll be able to take him somewhere safe.
Tonight is one of those nights where I'm on edge and nervous, coz the boyfriend has been on an all day drinking session, and this is when it all kicks off. Fortunately he's gone to bed for the time being. But he always manages to hurt me in some way when he's like this. Tonight is was telling me his smug little tale about how he f***ed the bar maid I'd been talking to when I went to drag him home from the pub. I really don't want to know, but he tells me anyway, saying that he'd rather I heard it from him than from somebody else. I'd rather I didn't hear it at all. I told him that I'd already assumed he had, because he'd f*** anything with a hole in it, so it's no great surprise - it's not like it's an exclusive club or anything. Any old trout will do. Jesus, I'm just waaaay too good for him. Maybe when I'm gone, and he's driven me away for good he'll realize it. But knowing him, it'll just be one long self pity trip, and I'll be the b**** from hell, like all his ex's are. Funny that, ain't it? It just ain't the way I work. Every man I broke up with never actually stopped loving me. I ain't bragging, and I ain't saying that they are all "in love" with me, it's just we maintained a friendship, strong enough to be able to tell each other that we still hold feelings of love, but things just didn't work out. I once wrote a poem about breaking up with someone. The last two lines were:
"The final act, this play is finished.
Love stood tall, but life diminished."
That sort of explains about the way I feel about my past relationships. Not that I've had many. I met my husband when I was 18, and broke up with him about 10 years later, during which time we were both entirely faithful, and went straight into a relationship with my ex boyfriend, the one who went on to develop MS, so I don't have a huge amount of ex lovers, but even the few guys who I saw briefly after I split up with the ex boyfriend, I still am on friendly terms with. I'm going on a bit now. It's just I don't see that being a male slag is anything to be proud of, or any great achievement. In fact, I think it's rather sad, if sex is more important than love, and you're prepared to hurt someone who if you'd just treated her with a bit more respect, would have given her life to you, just to brag about some slut who you've been poking. It's pathetic really, but hey-ho, he'll be lonely all his life, but I won't, coz thank god I know that not every man is like him, and sometimes you meet one who knows a good thing when he see's it, and seeks to nurture it, not destroy it. I just feel so stupid for letting myself love such a selfish son of a b****. I wish it was an emotion you could just switch off like a light. Hope can be a terrible thing....
I've been on a bit of a ramble, haven't I? It's just I get so frustrated having to stay with him when I just want to get away and let myself heal from all the hurt he has put me through.
love
Diff xxxx
I'm lucky I live in the UK. We have a welfare state, which most folks here don't even realise, and if you're a mum, and you're in trouble, then you will find people who will do their best to get you out of trouble and into a safe place. I rejected the idea of moving to a womens hostel, because I had my dog to take care of, and I needed a place for him. So I've stayed with the baby's dad, but it has been at a high cost. But it's easy to be strong when you're being strong for another creature. I try hard not to break promises, and I promised my dog when he was just a tiny pup, that I'd look after him all his life. He's never done anything to hurt me, and has been nothing but loyal and loving, so I'll put up with all the crap I get, because I know there's an end in sight, and one day soon I'll be able to take him somewhere safe.
Tonight is one of those nights where I'm on edge and nervous, coz the boyfriend has been on an all day drinking session, and this is when it all kicks off. Fortunately he's gone to bed for the time being. But he always manages to hurt me in some way when he's like this. Tonight is was telling me his smug little tale about how he f***ed the bar maid I'd been talking to when I went to drag him home from the pub. I really don't want to know, but he tells me anyway, saying that he'd rather I heard it from him than from somebody else. I'd rather I didn't hear it at all. I told him that I'd already assumed he had, because he'd f*** anything with a hole in it, so it's no great surprise - it's not like it's an exclusive club or anything. Any old trout will do. Jesus, I'm just waaaay too good for him. Maybe when I'm gone, and he's driven me away for good he'll realize it. But knowing him, it'll just be one long self pity trip, and I'll be the b**** from hell, like all his ex's are. Funny that, ain't it? It just ain't the way I work. Every man I broke up with never actually stopped loving me. I ain't bragging, and I ain't saying that they are all "in love" with me, it's just we maintained a friendship, strong enough to be able to tell each other that we still hold feelings of love, but things just didn't work out. I once wrote a poem about breaking up with someone. The last two lines were:
"The final act, this play is finished.
Love stood tall, but life diminished."
That sort of explains about the way I feel about my past relationships. Not that I've had many. I met my husband when I was 18, and broke up with him about 10 years later, during which time we were both entirely faithful, and went straight into a relationship with my ex boyfriend, the one who went on to develop MS, so I don't have a huge amount of ex lovers, but even the few guys who I saw briefly after I split up with the ex boyfriend, I still am on friendly terms with. I'm going on a bit now. It's just I don't see that being a male slag is anything to be proud of, or any great achievement. In fact, I think it's rather sad, if sex is more important than love, and you're prepared to hurt someone who if you'd just treated her with a bit more respect, would have given her life to you, just to brag about some slut who you've been poking. It's pathetic really, but hey-ho, he'll be lonely all his life, but I won't, coz thank god I know that not every man is like him, and sometimes you meet one who knows a good thing when he see's it, and seeks to nurture it, not destroy it. I just feel so stupid for letting myself love such a selfish son of a b****. I wish it was an emotion you could just switch off like a light. Hope can be a terrible thing....
I've been on a bit of a ramble, haven't I? It's just I get so frustrated having to stay with him when I just want to get away and let myself heal from all the hurt he has put me through.
love
Diff xxxx
