Okay, here it goes. Been on Suboxone since 9/12/06 for an addiction to codeine that lasted about 3 years. I have been doing great, getting back to 'normal' and trying to find a job. I've been unemployed since 3 years ago - too busy in my addiction to work, relate to others, blah, blah, blah - you all know what I'm saying. Well, Tuesday my husband tells me that he doesn't know how to love me anymore and is tired of fighting for everything all the time and is thinking about divorce. Granted, we've been having some communication problems that I blame on the fact that we haven't really talked to any extent since before my addiction. This has come to a complete surprise to me. I immediatly jumped on the counseling wagon and started looking for someone to help us try and work this out. He tells me last night that if he had to make a decision right here and now he would walk. He just needs some space and time. He's had the past couple of years worth of time - because he's been trying to deal that long!! He says he doesn't understand how I didn't see it coming. He left all kinds of hints. Yes, he did but the fog was thick and everything look merrry from my side. To top all of this off, he has been talking with a female that he used to work with. He said he's been talking to her for almost a month now and has developed feelings for her. He will not go into any other details and I'm thankful for that even though my mind is making up some grand ole stories. I told him that I would give him the space and time he needs to figure out what he wants but he needs to agree to talk with someone like a counselor - not just this other woman who has something to gain from him leaving me. We have been together 12 years, married 3 and have 2 kids. Has anyone else been through a similar situation and if so, how did you work on it or did you just give up and let it go?
Any help would be GREAT!!!!!
Dawn
Dawnee,
I have been through something similar. At the beginning of my addiction my husband was so supportive and we talked about everything. But then after I relapsed several times my doctor thought it would be a good idea for me to go on methadone. My husband had serious doubts about it but I went on it anyway. I was on it for nearly 3 years and the whole time I convinced myself that everything was fine. I never wanted to deal with anything and I just glossed over everything while he was becoming more and more unhappy. I guess a part of me knew that for a long time but I just didn't want to deal with it. Finally toward the end of my time on methadone, we had a fight and everything came out. I can't really blame him for the way he was feeling, but it still hurt very badly. I did have to give him time and space. I also had to start dealing with things and making some changes. To start with I came off methadone. Is your husband supportive of you being on sbu? Of course, sub is much better then methadone but how does he feel about it? Also I had to be very understanding of my husbands feelings even if I didn't like them. He had been dealing with all my drama for so long that I had to respect his feelings. Things are much better now, not perfect, but I don't think anyone's marraige is perfect. The one thing I don't agree with though is your husband talking to another woman and having feelings for her. I don't think you need to be understanding of that. You are his wife and he should have told you how he was feeling before he started talking to another woman. I know you probably don't want to push him away but I don't think you should have to put up with that and I don't think he can blame your problems for him meeting someone. Good luck, I hope things work out.
Shelly
I have been through something similar. At the beginning of my addiction my husband was so supportive and we talked about everything. But then after I relapsed several times my doctor thought it would be a good idea for me to go on methadone. My husband had serious doubts about it but I went on it anyway. I was on it for nearly 3 years and the whole time I convinced myself that everything was fine. I never wanted to deal with anything and I just glossed over everything while he was becoming more and more unhappy. I guess a part of me knew that for a long time but I just didn't want to deal with it. Finally toward the end of my time on methadone, we had a fight and everything came out. I can't really blame him for the way he was feeling, but it still hurt very badly. I did have to give him time and space. I also had to start dealing with things and making some changes. To start with I came off methadone. Is your husband supportive of you being on sbu? Of course, sub is much better then methadone but how does he feel about it? Also I had to be very understanding of my husbands feelings even if I didn't like them. He had been dealing with all my drama for so long that I had to respect his feelings. Things are much better now, not perfect, but I don't think anyone's marraige is perfect. The one thing I don't agree with though is your husband talking to another woman and having feelings for her. I don't think you need to be understanding of that. You are his wife and he should have told you how he was feeling before he started talking to another woman. I know you probably don't want to push him away but I don't think you should have to put up with that and I don't think he can blame your problems for him meeting someone. Good luck, I hope things work out.
Shelly
Hello Dawnee,
I really don't know what to say. I haven't been in that boat!
I don't think your addiction has anything do with your husband wanting to call it quits. In fact I'm sure of it. Don't you or don't let him use it as an excuse.
It's good that you are in recovery now and you are not in active addiction. Your mind is clear now and you can make better decisions.
I'm sorry that this is happening. Nothing like this is ever pleasant.
Catherine
I really don't know what to say. I haven't been in that boat!
I don't think your addiction has anything do with your husband wanting to call it quits. In fact I'm sure of it. Don't you or don't let him use it as an excuse.
It's good that you are in recovery now and you are not in active addiction. Your mind is clear now and you can make better decisions.
I'm sorry that this is happening. Nothing like this is ever pleasant.
Catherine
Shelly- he hasn't really said one way or the other what he feels about my rehab. He has said that I'm doing such a great job and he hopes that no matter what he doesn't want me to go back to using again. I treated him like s*** basically the entire time we were together. I cheated on him (when we were teens), we got pregnant at 20, split up because I was cheating again, got back together after our daughter was born and began living life together as non-married but might as well be couple. It took me 10 years to finally marry him. It took that long because I wanted to make sure he was how I wanted to be with. It wasn't a lightly decided issue. I gave him my whole heart. I vowed to quit cheating, lieing and all of that. Then came the addiction. I was actually in active addiction when we ended up getting married. According to his time frame he started 'not loving me' a few months after we were married. I just can't tell if this is because he is so used to dealing with the addicted me and doesn't know how to relate to the 'normal' me or if it's simply because he's lost all hope for us and has now found someone new to turn to. I only have a few more days left in me before I will explode and tell him to work on us or get the F*** OUT!
Catherine- I've spoken with a few different couselors and they have said that a lot of married couples go thru this because the non-addicted spouse isn't educated on addiction and doesn't know how to cope with everything that's been thrown their way. It was a gradual slide from starting the addiction to ending it but then BOOM I'm normal again in one day and he doesn't know what to do or how to act. He was used to taking care of everything because I just didn't care. Now I'm back on top and he doesn't know how to knock down that wall and let me in. I am so hoping that he will agree to talk to someone and hopefully realize that we can work thru this and we don't have to give up.
Dawnee I can relate to you taking so long to marry him. I also got pregnant with our daughter before we were married. We got married when our daughter was four months old. I wanted to make sure I was marrying him for him and not because of the baby. We've been married 10 years. I started using pain medication about 2 years after we got married. I think my husband became co-dependent on my behavior and my need for him to take care of me and our daughter and basically everything else. He's still adjusting in a way. He's very protective of us. Sometimes it gets on my nerves but I try to remember that it's out of love that he acts this way. Did your husband really tell you that he stopped loving you a few months after your marraige? Did he never mention anything before he met this new woman? Sometimes marraige is tough but I hope he will remember that you have to put work into a marraige especially when times get tough. To many people just turn straight to divorce. When you have all that time together and children you need to really work on it before you give up. I hope he will do that for you and your family.
All marriages are filled with adjustments. No one stays exactly the same throughout the years and some change a great deal. Marriage is hard work on both parts. How does he feel about leaving the kids? I would think that might matter to him. I think counselling is the way to go, even if you go alone. You need the support right now as you adjust to this new "knock" in life. I'm sure you are absolutely besides yourself. Best of luck, honey and know that you are in my prayers.
I don't think he was really thinking about our kids, our home, all of our things that we came to own during out time together. I think he was just thinking about me. I wrote him a letter telling him exactly how I feel and I also included some things that I wanted him to think of. Kids, Home, Etc were part of that. I also wanted to point out to him that this woman he's been talking to is just something new and exciting right now and eventually it will become that same old same old with her just like it has with us. I think he knows this deep down somewhere but I like to know that I've got him thinking about it on the surface. I think he thinks he'd be better off with someone new that hasn't hurt him or hasn't thrown anything his way that he had to fight for. He wants something plain and simple but eventually everything ends up complicated. I'm to the point that I'm ready for him to step up and make a decision. I hate to push him because I'm affraid to push him away but I can't just go on like this living as 'roommates'. We've had great sex these past few days but there just isn't any loving emotions (at least from him). I guess if I push him away right now there's always a chance that he'll come back someday - or not.
I think the letter was a wonderful and powerful tool....non-confrontational, but getting your points across. It's the kind of thing I would have done. It sounds like you've given him something to think about, too. At the same time, the written thing helps you to clarify what's in your mind. The next things you'll need to do is to make lists about what steps you'll need to take next, in case. That way you'll feel more in control....addresses and phone numbers of lawyers, jobs you might get to help with support, how you'll tell your kids, etc.
My prayers are with you, if that's any consolation. (((((Hugs)))))
My prayers are with you, if that's any consolation. (((((Hugs)))))
Dawn.
I have been where you are but wont elaborate too much only that my hubby couldnt deal with whole 'what are people going to think thing' more than anything...
But from what you said regarding your history... your cheating was a form of addictive behavior... Look at it this way, when you were cheating you were probably looking to get something to make you feel better about you. Then when you got pregs you had a kid to think of so you got married. The new marriage and baby probably took up alot of your 'thinking' time and also filled that whole that most all true addicts have inside that they seek sooo hard to fill. Some do it with drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, ect... but bottom line there is something that drives us to this.. something internal. So whether of not you end up staying with your hubby or not, my best advice is to see a professional counselor about your. Couples will be good to but ultimately when the sub stops helping or you wean off you still have the same issues that are going to cause you problems...
as far as communication goes, that is a learned behaviour for most men... You might have been acting in a fog when you were using your DOC but he is in the same type of fog by having intimate conversations with this other woman... we have all been in this boat when the third party seems to ever so coyly point out the bad and doesnt give credit to the good or the possitive... he is the middle of some new like you said, but by talking about things with him (maybe tell him you want to talk to him like he talks to her..) dont speak of your feelings too much just ask him about his... you know she dont spend all the time talking about herself, she is asking about him, giving him attention that he feels that he has went without for sooo long, and then she pooor baby's him ..... he is getting a hole filled just like you did only his probably isnt permanent in the same way...
but until you make him see that he is acting with rose colored glasses on regarding this woman ... well I dont know.... and something else bothers me.. did he know you cheated on him alll that time?... if he did what was in it for him to marry you?.. was it the kid? was it something else so other insecurity?... most men I know wouldnt have married me for nothing only would have demanded a perternaty test on the kid and then sued for visitation... anyway point is seem like you both have your own separate issues that need addresses in addition to those that you have together.....
counseling is a must whether it is both or just you.....
Teresa
I have been where you are but wont elaborate too much only that my hubby couldnt deal with whole 'what are people going to think thing' more than anything...
But from what you said regarding your history... your cheating was a form of addictive behavior... Look at it this way, when you were cheating you were probably looking to get something to make you feel better about you. Then when you got pregs you had a kid to think of so you got married. The new marriage and baby probably took up alot of your 'thinking' time and also filled that whole that most all true addicts have inside that they seek sooo hard to fill. Some do it with drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, ect... but bottom line there is something that drives us to this.. something internal. So whether of not you end up staying with your hubby or not, my best advice is to see a professional counselor about your. Couples will be good to but ultimately when the sub stops helping or you wean off you still have the same issues that are going to cause you problems...
as far as communication goes, that is a learned behaviour for most men... You might have been acting in a fog when you were using your DOC but he is in the same type of fog by having intimate conversations with this other woman... we have all been in this boat when the third party seems to ever so coyly point out the bad and doesnt give credit to the good or the possitive... he is the middle of some new like you said, but by talking about things with him (maybe tell him you want to talk to him like he talks to her..) dont speak of your feelings too much just ask him about his... you know she dont spend all the time talking about herself, she is asking about him, giving him attention that he feels that he has went without for sooo long, and then she pooor baby's him ..... he is getting a hole filled just like you did only his probably isnt permanent in the same way...
but until you make him see that he is acting with rose colored glasses on regarding this woman ... well I dont know.... and something else bothers me.. did he know you cheated on him alll that time?... if he did what was in it for him to marry you?.. was it the kid? was it something else so other insecurity?... most men I know wouldnt have married me for nothing only would have demanded a perternaty test on the kid and then sued for visitation... anyway point is seem like you both have your own separate issues that need addresses in addition to those that you have together.....
counseling is a must whether it is both or just you.....
Teresa
Theresa- You had a lot of good information. I would love to talk to him like she talks to him but right now he says the more I "try", the more he wants to leave. Yes, he has known about the cheating this whole time. All 3 or 4 times. He simply loved me that much. This is why this is such a shock to me. I was his 'first' so I think that may have a lot to do with it. We broke up, like I said, in between getting pregnant and about 1 month after she was born and he got back at me for all the cheating by sleeping with most of my friends. Although he doesn't see it that way. They threw themselves at him and he was single so what the hell. He told me last night that he absolutely did not want to talk with anyone (counselor) about this. No idea why, he just won't. Maybe he's afraid they'll make him see what the hell he's doing and he'll feel guilty. Who knows. I've been making that list of things I need to do if this ends in divorce. I've got the values of all of our vehicles, atv's, household items, etc now all I need to do is take the video camera out and film everything because I'm going snowmobiling with my family in February and he isn't going so I'm betting that he'll clear his s*** out then.
I just wish he would tell me what he is doing. He says he doesn't want to work on us, doesn't want to stop talking to this other woman but yet, he won't just leave. I won't be the bad guy in my kid's eyes and tell him to go - if that's what he's waiting on. Maybe this other woman is married too and he's waiting for her to tell her husband or see if she'll even go that far. All I want to do is SCREAM!!!
Thanks to all who have let me ramble and given advice. Please keep it coming. This helps to just vent!!
Dawn
I just wish he would tell me what he is doing. He says he doesn't want to work on us, doesn't want to stop talking to this other woman but yet, he won't just leave. I won't be the bad guy in my kid's eyes and tell him to go - if that's what he's waiting on. Maybe this other woman is married too and he's waiting for her to tell her husband or see if she'll even go that far. All I want to do is SCREAM!!!
Thanks to all who have let me ramble and given advice. Please keep it coming. This helps to just vent!!
Dawn
Dawn- Just a guys point of view, but things are obviosuly very bad and I think you are wearing rose colored glasses. My guess is it is worse than you think.
Dawn...I think its fairly safe to say...its over...karma..its a biatch...I firmly believe that no matter what! One mustn't do something to someone that they wouldn't want done to them. It always seems to come back to you! With that being said..you will perhaps be better off without him.
Sounds like a cycle of the two of you cheating on each other..throw in a little addiction into the mix and its a recipe for real trouble. I think he has moved on...its clear in your posts.
Count your blessings (kids) calculate your losses...and cut him loose. You need to get off the drugs and then things will fall into place. Get some real clean time under your belt and I promise you its perhaps not the relationship that you have always yearned for!
Keep posting and good luck
Sounds like a cycle of the two of you cheating on each other..throw in a little addiction into the mix and its a recipe for real trouble. I think he has moved on...its clear in your posts.
Count your blessings (kids) calculate your losses...and cut him loose. You need to get off the drugs and then things will fall into place. Get some real clean time under your belt and I promise you its perhaps not the relationship that you have always yearned for!
Keep posting and good luck
