I have been in the honey moon stage of a new relationship. I have been dating my new boyfriend almost three months now. He is divorced and has had a troubled past. He also dealt with drug abuse. He has an inherited disk problem in his back so was prescribed pain killers in his mid twenties that caused him many close encounters with over dosing. He lost a best friend to an overdose a couple years back, has went to jail and halfway houses for a while and has supposedly been clean for about a year and half. The guy takes 800mg of ibuprofen for his back because he's anti narcotics.
Everything has been great. He has seeminly been the least broken guy I have ever dated. His has a wonderful loving family and has had a rather privileged life.
But two days ago I received a message on social media from a friend of his that was heading down to Florida for rehab.
The message was basically telling me that boyfriend is an addict that needs help and that he's been using for the past three months. They sent me screenshots of incriminating messages about needing a point so they don't feel sick. Very vague but super suspicious messages.
When I addressed my boyfriend with the messages he just denied them and called the screen shots fake. Telling me that he had told on them for robbing the person they were staying with. Painting them as dangerous people who were mad at him. Which could be very true.
And even though he has tried to reassure me that he has been clean and that none of the message had truth, I'm stuck in an awful situation. Now the trust that should be there is ruined. Because even if he's telling me the truth, the idea that he could be a manipulative addict has been manifested.
How do I talk to him about it without attacking him? I don't want to be the suspicious girlfriend accusing him when he's been nothing but wonderful to me.
Because he's either telling the truth and I don't believe him. Which is unhealthy for me to live in worry. Or..he has a serious problem that he has managed to hide from me for this long.
He always tells me how different I am compared to other relationships. And that the way he feels for me has been stronger than he's really ever felt for anyone. But now that I have even a glimmer of the idea he could just be a junkie I feel like it's all part of the act. Which is making me pull away emotionally.
But what if I'm his only hope if he is using?
I'm so confused and would really like some advice.
He doesn't have track marks. But he is rather skinny. And the messages I received told me he was indeed shooting up heroin. He eats loads of candy but we have a ridiculously active sex life. I don't know if those things are helpful to know but I just don't f***ing know what to do.
Please guys I don't know who to talk to without causing more harm than good
Three months is not very long. Sometimes in the beginning a relationship seems really good but given time you learn more about the other person or find out you aren't compatible for some reason. I think people should date for awhile so they can really get to know each other before becoming too serious. You don't always see a person's true self in the beginning because everyone is putting their best foot forward.
I have heard enough strange stories to wonder if there isn't at least some truth in what the friend told you. Why is your boyfriend hanging around people going to rehab and others that rob their friends. He already denied the story and will most likely continue to deny everything even if you try talking to him. That leaves you to decide if you want the grief.
I would not take a chance. You are not really invested in this relationship having only dated for 3 months. You don't want to find out it is all true after you have been together for years and have kids or something. I would run like the wind and don't look back. You can find someone better. He is a big boy and will get over you. You are not his only hope of giving up drugs if he is using. Actually you have no hope of changing him unless he wants to change. He will continue to do what he wants if you are there or not. Getting into a relationship with an addict or drug user can only lead to trouble.
I have heard enough strange stories to wonder if there isn't at least some truth in what the friend told you. Why is your boyfriend hanging around people going to rehab and others that rob their friends. He already denied the story and will most likely continue to deny everything even if you try talking to him. That leaves you to decide if you want the grief.
I would not take a chance. You are not really invested in this relationship having only dated for 3 months. You don't want to find out it is all true after you have been together for years and have kids or something. I would run like the wind and don't look back. You can find someone better. He is a big boy and will get over you. You are not his only hope of giving up drugs if he is using. Actually you have no hope of changing him unless he wants to change. He will continue to do what he wants if you are there or not. Getting into a relationship with an addict or drug user can only lead to trouble.
My daughter used to eat a load of candy when she needed a fix of heroin. Also you might not see the track marks because after a while they get where they can use veins anywhere, between their toes, their groin, neck, so if he wants to hide the marks he can. Look at his pupils if they are pin like in size then he's high! Who hangs around people like his friends when their not using themselves. Something fishy going on I would say. I hope your having protected sex too because some IV users can have Hep C from sharing needles. You should get checked!! I would move on. Your not responsible for him. Good luck whatever you decide to do. Mary
I agree with Mary about the candy. I'm not sure what it is but my son would eat a ton of candy. Nothing else though. We sat down for Christmas dinner last year and I just watched as he literally tried to choke down the delicious prime rib I made. I could see he couldn't even swallow it.
The drugs maybe make them crave sugar?
And if he has tattoos you won't see track marks either. They are well hidden by the ink.
Good luck with whatever choice you make but it sounds to me like he's using. Sorry
Stay strong.
Lisa
The drugs maybe make them crave sugar?
And if he has tattoos you won't see track marks either. They are well hidden by the ink.
Good luck with whatever choice you make but it sounds to me like he's using. Sorry
Stay strong.
Lisa
as others have said --- he will never tell the truth. you will never know, and always wonder.
my son has been addicted to pain pills. he still does not and will not tell the truth. even when he brings it up. I know he has been using in the past 6 months, I don't know exactly when. he talks like he has been clean the whole time! he wont talk about specifics, is always vague about details....... says that we - mom and dad - have to stop living in the past (and trust him) but we have not seen enough evidence to trust
without a urine test, I will not know if he is or isn't. I need to remember to check out the pupils.... if he comes back to live at home.
If your bf is clean he would not be around those doing drugs, and people who are stealing from each other. Does he work? where does his money go?
This is your healthiest relationship? Please get out of your comfort zone and find and accountant.... lol .....
my son has been addicted to pain pills. he still does not and will not tell the truth. even when he brings it up. I know he has been using in the past 6 months, I don't know exactly when. he talks like he has been clean the whole time! he wont talk about specifics, is always vague about details....... says that we - mom and dad - have to stop living in the past (and trust him) but we have not seen enough evidence to trust
without a urine test, I will not know if he is or isn't. I need to remember to check out the pupils.... if he comes back to live at home.
If your bf is clean he would not be around those doing drugs, and people who are stealing from each other. Does he work? where does his money go?
This is your healthiest relationship? Please get out of your comfort zone and find and accountant.... lol .....
urine tests are easily altered and my son was an expert at it! He was on drugs for years with a negative urine test!
He also denied drug use when it was oh so obvious that he was high!
He also denied drug use when it was oh so obvious that he was high!
Listen, most of us know what acceptable behavior is and what a truly healthy individual looks/acts/sounds like. Most of us know what a normal, healthy relationship looks and feels like. The fact that you have suspicions means this is not in that category...there is information in your feelings...ignore that information at your peril.
You are not. No single person holds the key to another's sobriety...that's strictly an inside job. Don't set yourself up to be responsible for his using/not using....that's got "codependent" written all over it.
Peace ~ MomNMore
| QUOTE |
| But what if I'm his only hope if he is using? |
You are not. No single person holds the key to another's sobriety...that's strictly an inside job. Don't set yourself up to be responsible for his using/not using....that's got "codependent" written all over it.
Peace ~ MomNMore
I'm not sure that you guys check this frequently. I let it go for a while but last week my boyfriend had to have a huge abscess removed with surgery. They had to perform surgery because it was under a tendon in his bicep...so the abscess was right by his veins in his arm. Totally conspicuous. He told me he was pretty sure it came from an ingrown hair but I don't really believe it. We talked for 3 hours about how I was seriously concerned that he was using. But time and time again he assures me that he isn't. I want to be with him. I love him. And I'm invested. But am I stupid?
Invested in what ? You can't make him want to be clean...go to rehab ....detox...or tell you if or how much he's using. ..which we will never ever do. ..we might eventually tell you were using ....but by then...you already know...and no amount of love...loyalty...anger...threats...persuasion...tears or anything else you do will change that...if your going to stay with an addict you need to learn how to set boundaries. ..protect yourself...detach and when to cut us loose...I .recommend you check out a naranon or alanon meeting....you've got a long hard road ahead of you... addiction is for life....it' doesn't get cured ...it's chronic and progressive....so make no mistake...your going to deal with it for as long as he does...helping him only make it worse....
Con is absolutely right! I tried all the tricks like tears, persuasion, begging, enabling, and on and on. Nothing works unless the addict wants to change I know because I tried to change my son for 20 yrs. He is 45 now and still has never admitted he did drugs or what it was. If I accused him he would yell "get me a jar and I will do a piss test right now! " Haha!!
He even showed up on my doorstep one night drug sick at 9:00 and said"mom I am really sick and I need help". I said what did you use and he said nothing I am just sick and need to go to detox.
Then he said he smoked too much pot--hahha! He thinks I am really stupid! We dropped him off at a detox center and he detoxed for 1 week and then got in their rehab program ,but checked out 1 week later.
Listen carefully to the advice here because it will save you so much heartache in your future!
Lori
He even showed up on my doorstep one night drug sick at 9:00 and said"mom I am really sick and I need help". I said what did you use and he said nothing I am just sick and need to go to detox.
Then he said he smoked too much pot--hahha! He thinks I am really stupid! We dropped him off at a detox center and he detoxed for 1 week and then got in their rehab program ,but checked out 1 week later.
Listen carefully to the advice here because it will save you so much heartache in your future!
Lori
loveshim - some one posted a while ago that she created an abscess in her groin from shooting. your bf probably the same problem. I'm surprised you and doctors could not see track marks? another mom has stated that her son almost lost his arm from shooting up.
two years ago when my son had a car accident bc he fell asleep at 4 in the afternoon while driving.... he said his friends were worse off than him. his friends said he was worse. my son went to rehab and has been away from home for 2 years. two of his friends died in September this year. if asked, my son would have said they were clean - not doing anything anymore.
people who are not doing anything don't die. and they don't get abscess for no reason.
they will never tell the truth. even they will think what ever they are saying is the truth!
of course the rest of his friends aren't doing anything anymore - these were the last ones.
Oh, the guy (friend from home) who randomly showed up in sober living in the same city as my son a few months ago? no he wasn't doing anything, idk why he's here..... and so on...
two years ago when my son had a car accident bc he fell asleep at 4 in the afternoon while driving.... he said his friends were worse off than him. his friends said he was worse. my son went to rehab and has been away from home for 2 years. two of his friends died in September this year. if asked, my son would have said they were clean - not doing anything anymore.
people who are not doing anything don't die. and they don't get abscess for no reason.
they will never tell the truth. even they will think what ever they are saying is the truth!
of course the rest of his friends aren't doing anything anymore - these were the last ones.
Oh, the guy (friend from home) who randomly showed up in sober living in the same city as my son a few months ago? no he wasn't doing anything, idk why he's here..... and so on...
start asking yourself - how much do you give into the relationship - financially and emotionally and taking care of everything, and how much does he give. try to make it 50 / 50 and see where it gets. if he is using, he will not have $$.
I married a wonderful man I knew for only 3 months. After 2 years he went on a crack binge for 3 days. I have never been around drugs of any kind. He was devasted afterwards so I was hopeful. We have been married for 8 years and he disappears for 3 or 4 days 3 times a year and spends at least $1000 each time. He will not get help since he can resist most of the time. Here I sit Sunday night and he has been gone since Friday evening. He called at 3pm and said he would come home in an hour. It's 9pm and he's not home. He's up to $600. I hate this part of my life. I am 65. I love him but if I had it to do over I would never marry someone with a drug problem. If you doubt he's being truthful, he probably isn't. Step back. Is this God's best for you? It is hard to realize that you cannot fix him with your love.
I read the 2 questions most asked are:. Why do you do this when it hurts me?...Answer, it has nothing to do with you, and What can I do to help? Answer...Nothing.
I read the 2 questions most asked are:. Why do you do this when it hurts me?...Answer, it has nothing to do with you, and What can I do to help? Answer...Nothing.
