Hi mate,
I don't know about you but when I showed up here I was pretty deeply in denial about my problem. Some would probably feel I still am and I've learned enough over the past few weeks to know that however smart I might or might not be, my mind is a maze of mirrors and they're probably right.
The truth is, none of us know what we don't know....as I keep trying to tell my 14 year old daughter who is texting back and forth to me at the moment about the rules that are ruining her life....like not being able to go into town clubbing with her 18 year old friends...or have 18 year-old boys sleep over...
I keep trying to tell her I might have a slightly better-informed perspective on the situation than her, but of course....she CAN'T get her head around the possibility that she might be seeing things through biased lenses anymore than I could see that the hostility and anger I saw in some posts here were in fact my OWN unconscious hostility and anger projected onto someone else's contribution....
And of course there's always the possibility that she's right and I'm wrong....jeez, life's a puzzle isn't it? How do we get outside of our own heads, the heads that all the objective evidence over decades says are liable to be in denial about who we are and what we need to do and how important it is to do it...? How can we do that? I guess I'm at a place where - after many months - I'm gradually realising that I HAVE to listen to other people because I can no longer entirely trust my own mind....alcoholism really is a form of insanity.
I don't think AA is an issue really is it? Some people, including me (and I've only been to open meetings) thought you might find it helpful. It's entirely up to you. The real issue is do you want to stop drinking? ....Which you've said you do, and how you plan to stay stoppped.
I can tell you this for sure, everyone here wants you to succeed and enjoy the wonderful life every human being deserves.
Martin
Adam,
Not sure why the thread got locked but please don't be discouraged by the advice you were given. Why all the harshness guys? Do we all not remember when we were in active addiction when we tried to tell ourselves we weren't sick? He's only been coming here for a couple of weeks. Sheesh!
Adam...most of the people here have gone through AA and that is why they are telling you about it because it worked for them. I never went through AA but I know for a fact if I slipped or felt weak I would walk through those doors.You are practically screaming for help so people responded. Try to have an open mind. Do you really want to get sober? Sounds like you do. There are lots of people here that are trying to help ya.
It's supposed to be about attraction not promotion. Or am I confused? Just because someone disagrees doesn't mean that he should be turned on immediately and dismissed!
JMHO!
Not sure why the thread got locked but please don't be discouraged by the advice you were given. Why all the harshness guys? Do we all not remember when we were in active addiction when we tried to tell ourselves we weren't sick? He's only been coming here for a couple of weeks. Sheesh!
Adam...most of the people here have gone through AA and that is why they are telling you about it because it worked for them. I never went through AA but I know for a fact if I slipped or felt weak I would walk through those doors.You are practically screaming for help so people responded. Try to have an open mind. Do you really want to get sober? Sounds like you do. There are lots of people here that are trying to help ya.
It's supposed to be about attraction not promotion. Or am I confused? Just because someone disagrees doesn't mean that he should be turned on immediately and dismissed!
JMHO!
Hey there Dodsworth. I am glad you are here. You have my support and you have my understanding. Hang in there. Give it time and things will improve. I promise you. I don't know why the thread got locked but I do know one thing people were just trying to help. I understand how you feel because Its been only 4 months for me so everything is still fresh to me and I still have a difficult time some days. Hang in there as best as you can and know that you are not alone . Keep posting,keep coming back. The people on here really DO CARE. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Stay strong and tell yourself that YOU are worth more than any bottle and you owe it to yourself to give YOU the lfe you deserve. You are worth it.
Hmmm, not sure. Didn't appear harsh--let's ask Martin...
An OldTimer once said, "If you don't think you've got a drinking problem, go out and try some controlled drinking." Someone else said, "If you've got to control something, it's already out-of-control." Someone else said, "If you want to drink, that's your business. If you want to stop, we can help." Someone else said, "It's a program of principles, not personalities."
Like any group, there are different people with different stories and deliveries sitting around the room. What rings a bell with one person might not with another. I remember my first couple months absolutely HATING the effing know-it-all in the scrubs 'cause he managed to push every button I seemed to have wired into me. I stuck around and he's learned alot about the program... I asked him to be my sponsor and he's the first man (outside family members) that I can say that I love. He saved my life.
If I'm pushing, someone else can catch.
An OldTimer once said, "If you don't think you've got a drinking problem, go out and try some controlled drinking." Someone else said, "If you've got to control something, it's already out-of-control." Someone else said, "If you want to drink, that's your business. If you want to stop, we can help." Someone else said, "It's a program of principles, not personalities."
Like any group, there are different people with different stories and deliveries sitting around the room. What rings a bell with one person might not with another. I remember my first couple months absolutely HATING the effing know-it-all in the scrubs 'cause he managed to push every button I seemed to have wired into me. I stuck around and he's learned alot about the program... I asked him to be my sponsor and he's the first man (outside family members) that I can say that I love. He saved my life.
If I'm pushing, someone else can catch.
No worries Shane. Your words weren't the ones I thought harsh. I know everyone was trying to help. It's easy to see the help that is offered when you have been around here awhile. A new person may not see it for what it is.
XX Valarie
XX Valarie
When I left today to go do errands and go to a much needed meeting, I thought about what I said. I realized I was a bit harsh with you. So, I prayed to my HP and asked for guidance and then did a survey on myself. This is what was revealed.
When I first went to AA yrs. ago I came there because I'd overdosed with .38 alcohol and some pills with it. I almost died! The hospital that I spent a wk at in the phys. ward wanted to transfer me to inpatient re-hab. I refused and said I'd do out patient and go to AA. The other things I remembered there at AA were keep coming back and find a sponsor and work the steps. I was still in denial and wanted no part of their program. Dropped out of op re-hab to. A camping trip with my hubby alone up in the mountains for the first time without kids was what I needed. I could work on stopping drinking on my own.
The second time at AA 3 1/2 yrs. ago I heard someone speak about how they kept relapsing because they didn't get a sponsor and work the steps. I was a little more serious about getting sober now with some help from others. Fear was starting to be a motivator. You'd think from nearly dieing that would have been a good motivator. So that same week I found a sponsor. Note I never really studied her to see if she was working a good program. I didn't know I was suppose to do that. I really didn't know much about the program.
I managed to stay sober for 33 days and then I relapsed 3 times and she fired me. Believe me for someone like me to not drink for that long was a miracle. I went back to some of the womans meetings afterwards. I felt like a leopard. My feelings were hurt and I was embarrassed so I never went back. Theres my self pity and pride waving at me. I thought again who needs them I will turn myself around on my own. Obviously I wasn't turned on by my experiences there. I know some of these things about me now because I kept coming back to this alcohol board nearly everyday and reading other peoples experiences, strengths and hopes.
My drinking from that point went back and forth, but mainly back to negative. I haven't figured out completely when, or why something in me wanted sobriety and some peace in my life. That would be another long post.
That sponsor I had was to easy on me and then the opposite extreme when I relapsed. I remember her telling me how lucky I was to be alive and that next time I might not be so lucky. I also remember her telling me about when she lived in Atlanta that she and her sponsor went to a care facility and spoke with some gals. One gal couldn't understand anything they were trying to say. She was 24 and had a wet brain from drinking. She had to wear diapers and couldn't eat or dress herself. All because of alcoholism. She told me I could be next.
If I ever see my old and temporary sponsor, I will thank her what she did do. I will tell her I'm sorry for not being willing at that time in my life to do the right thing. I've avoided meetings that she used to attend and womans meetings as well. Another topic another step.
I don't understand the whole attraction not promotion thing at AA yet. But I want to and with some more time I will try to get it, I hope. I'm new at AA I've only been regularly attending meetings for about 3 months. I'm still learning about steps and traditions.
I saw myself in you thats why I was harsh with you. I'm scared for you Adam. I'm realizing I can't make you get this. Thats what the others who have more time say. After all nobody could force it on me either. It's just that when you finally get it and are still getting it you want others to get it to. You know the mind is a terrible thing to waste. Something else I heard that I put on a shelf for later.
Plenty of SKG'S posts used to push my little red buttons. I didn't like him for it either. Eventually, I looked deep with in myself and realized he was just trying to help others get what he had found to. I also was able to see what was wrong with a lot of me. It was his witty, AA zealot and humorous posts and yes I thought he was arrogant at times to. Please forgive me.
Today I thank God for him and those times of red button pushing. Yes, you caught me. I'm finding hope and a place that I actually fit in and belong at AA to. Who would have thought? Certainly not me for a long time. I look up to him and have much respect for him now. Because I want more than just sobriety. I want peace and serenity to.
Dodsworth, I hope you keep coming back. I'm sorry If I've offended you. I just want for you to find sobriety and some peace any which way. It certainly doesn't have to be AA either. Because I know how ugly and devastating this disease is. Yet, I know it has to come from you when your ready. I will shut up now and back off. I wish for you the very best life has to offer.
Respectfully,
Chris
When I first went to AA yrs. ago I came there because I'd overdosed with .38 alcohol and some pills with it. I almost died! The hospital that I spent a wk at in the phys. ward wanted to transfer me to inpatient re-hab. I refused and said I'd do out patient and go to AA. The other things I remembered there at AA were keep coming back and find a sponsor and work the steps. I was still in denial and wanted no part of their program. Dropped out of op re-hab to. A camping trip with my hubby alone up in the mountains for the first time without kids was what I needed. I could work on stopping drinking on my own.
The second time at AA 3 1/2 yrs. ago I heard someone speak about how they kept relapsing because they didn't get a sponsor and work the steps. I was a little more serious about getting sober now with some help from others. Fear was starting to be a motivator. You'd think from nearly dieing that would have been a good motivator. So that same week I found a sponsor. Note I never really studied her to see if she was working a good program. I didn't know I was suppose to do that. I really didn't know much about the program.
I managed to stay sober for 33 days and then I relapsed 3 times and she fired me. Believe me for someone like me to not drink for that long was a miracle. I went back to some of the womans meetings afterwards. I felt like a leopard. My feelings were hurt and I was embarrassed so I never went back. Theres my self pity and pride waving at me. I thought again who needs them I will turn myself around on my own. Obviously I wasn't turned on by my experiences there. I know some of these things about me now because I kept coming back to this alcohol board nearly everyday and reading other peoples experiences, strengths and hopes.
My drinking from that point went back and forth, but mainly back to negative. I haven't figured out completely when, or why something in me wanted sobriety and some peace in my life. That would be another long post.
That sponsor I had was to easy on me and then the opposite extreme when I relapsed. I remember her telling me how lucky I was to be alive and that next time I might not be so lucky. I also remember her telling me about when she lived in Atlanta that she and her sponsor went to a care facility and spoke with some gals. One gal couldn't understand anything they were trying to say. She was 24 and had a wet brain from drinking. She had to wear diapers and couldn't eat or dress herself. All because of alcoholism. She told me I could be next.
If I ever see my old and temporary sponsor, I will thank her what she did do. I will tell her I'm sorry for not being willing at that time in my life to do the right thing. I've avoided meetings that she used to attend and womans meetings as well. Another topic another step.
I don't understand the whole attraction not promotion thing at AA yet. But I want to and with some more time I will try to get it, I hope. I'm new at AA I've only been regularly attending meetings for about 3 months. I'm still learning about steps and traditions.
I saw myself in you thats why I was harsh with you. I'm scared for you Adam. I'm realizing I can't make you get this. Thats what the others who have more time say. After all nobody could force it on me either. It's just that when you finally get it and are still getting it you want others to get it to. You know the mind is a terrible thing to waste. Something else I heard that I put on a shelf for later.
Plenty of SKG'S posts used to push my little red buttons. I didn't like him for it either. Eventually, I looked deep with in myself and realized he was just trying to help others get what he had found to. I also was able to see what was wrong with a lot of me. It was his witty, AA zealot and humorous posts and yes I thought he was arrogant at times to. Please forgive me.
Today I thank God for him and those times of red button pushing. Yes, you caught me. I'm finding hope and a place that I actually fit in and belong at AA to. Who would have thought? Certainly not me for a long time. I look up to him and have much respect for him now. Because I want more than just sobriety. I want peace and serenity to.
Dodsworth, I hope you keep coming back. I'm sorry If I've offended you. I just want for you to find sobriety and some peace any which way. It certainly doesn't have to be AA either. Because I know how ugly and devastating this disease is. Yet, I know it has to come from you when your ready. I will shut up now and back off. I wish for you the very best life has to offer.
Respectfully,
Chris
Awesome post Chris. I hope Adam comes back too. I know you steppers have a wealth of knowledge for him I just didn't want him to be scared off before he even began.
Have a good night.
Edited to Say:
Btw Adam...when I first started coming here I had very similar views to yours about AA. Over time listening to many of the wise ones here all of those myths that I held onto so tightly have all been destroyed except a few. I however had a bit of an advantage when I first came here. I was already sober I think around 9 months. This place was an extra tool for me.
Just try to keep an open mind about everything you hear on these boards. What have you got to lose right? We are all in the same boat. We are all a bunch of alcoholics just trying to live life the best we know how.
"When you know better you do better." ---Maya Angelou
Have a good night.
Edited to Say:
Btw Adam...when I first started coming here I had very similar views to yours about AA. Over time listening to many of the wise ones here all of those myths that I held onto so tightly have all been destroyed except a few. I however had a bit of an advantage when I first came here. I was already sober I think around 9 months. This place was an extra tool for me.
Just try to keep an open mind about everything you hear on these boards. What have you got to lose right? We are all in the same boat. We are all a bunch of alcoholics just trying to live life the best we know how.
"When you know better you do better." ---Maya Angelou
Hi Adam,
I hope you are sitting quietly and looking into your heart of hearts about what you hear and what to do that will help you to be safe, healthy and happy. Personally I believe we all know what we need in life and it's only when when some part of my ego gets in the way that things get painful for me.
Deep down - deep down - you know best what's best for you and your life. I can't possibly know that.
Skg,
You had to guess I can't resist an invitation like that - it's so early in my recovery lol.
When I came here I found some posts incredibly harsh, uncaring and arrogant. I thought people were making snide comments to each other. I thought I wasn't wanted here, not a "proper" alcoholic, an idiot for not going to AA and they wouldn't want me anyway because I was obviously a fake and everyone knew it.
It was only a few people who kept me coming back. People like CHRIS (especially) with her unconditional acceptance and unquestionning patience and support and compassion for my confusion, doubt and pain, which I guess must have looked like someone playing games(?) to some other people, who to me appeared harsh.
And if I hadn't kept coming back Valarie wouldn't have had the chance to stay with me in a conversation and help me realise how my OWN anger and hostility and paranoia were leading me to SEE those things in so many posts by other people and get angry in response. I was angry and rejecting of myself so I expected anger and rejection so that's what I saw in almost everyone else. I guess a therapist would call it projection.
What Chris (and later Valarie) were able to do for me was REMOVE any possibility that I could find a "hook" in their messages to me to hang my projection on. An excuse to get angry. That's why unconditional acceptance was VITAL to help this alcoholic find a way through my denial....I'm so good at finding excuses and so full of anger and self-hatred that all I need is a slight indication that I'm not wanted and POW - I'm out of here and back to my old coping mechanisms. I was heading out until Chris and others put that warm blanket of care around me, babied my internal baby, and made me feel SAFE enough to think and feel from the heart instead of from my defensive/in denial stance....
AND
then I was able to SEE the posts I'd felt were harsh as well-meaning as a different kind of help. A clear clarion call to action, a powerful signpost setting out exactly where I was thinking in warped and alcoholic ways, as a sign that people really cared and wanted me to take the path they felt would save me, that my life might depend upon. My distorting lens was removed and I saw those posts for what they were, uncoloured by my own distorted perceptions: suggestions and comments intended to help, which I could simply take or leave.
But
The really wonderful bit is it there hadn't been any very straight-talking (which I SAW as "angry" and "harsh") posts for me to get so irrationally steamed up about in the FIRST place, Valarie wouldn't have had anything (my anger) to make me think about....I would have just felt loved and supported...although that has GOT to be the first requirement cos otherwise I might have done something silly at some point. I certainly was nudging that suicidal thing...
Whew.
I needed ALL that, because my clever little mind was a maze of mirrors....some people talk about their mind being fogged by alcohol....mine is crystal clear...and full of distorting mirrors. I have found it a difficult combination to find a way through and as anyone can see on the board I'm still bouncing around. It must be - no, it might be - frustrating for some and they know enough to learn something from that for themselves...all I can do is say sorry for it...I really am dong the best I'm capable of and I'm so grateful for everyone's help.
This is my heart's truth, not the usual people pleasing isn't everyone lovely. I wouldn't be here and beginning to learn and accept if it wasn't for that PRECISE combination of approaches. Without that help - all of it - I would still be deep in denial and heading to self-destruction. Without the initial love and compassion I think I'd already be in complete breakdown.
Perhaps it has something to do with everyone having a power greater than they know looking after them, whatever that might be for them.
Have a great day.
And Adam, please stick around. EVERY person here is helping everyone else in ways we do not even begin to understand. Your posts really help me.
It really is a miracle. Thank you all.
Martin
I hope you are sitting quietly and looking into your heart of hearts about what you hear and what to do that will help you to be safe, healthy and happy. Personally I believe we all know what we need in life and it's only when when some part of my ego gets in the way that things get painful for me.
Deep down - deep down - you know best what's best for you and your life. I can't possibly know that.
Skg,
You had to guess I can't resist an invitation like that - it's so early in my recovery lol.
When I came here I found some posts incredibly harsh, uncaring and arrogant. I thought people were making snide comments to each other. I thought I wasn't wanted here, not a "proper" alcoholic, an idiot for not going to AA and they wouldn't want me anyway because I was obviously a fake and everyone knew it.
It was only a few people who kept me coming back. People like CHRIS (especially) with her unconditional acceptance and unquestionning patience and support and compassion for my confusion, doubt and pain, which I guess must have looked like someone playing games(?) to some other people, who to me appeared harsh.
And if I hadn't kept coming back Valarie wouldn't have had the chance to stay with me in a conversation and help me realise how my OWN anger and hostility and paranoia were leading me to SEE those things in so many posts by other people and get angry in response. I was angry and rejecting of myself so I expected anger and rejection so that's what I saw in almost everyone else. I guess a therapist would call it projection.
What Chris (and later Valarie) were able to do for me was REMOVE any possibility that I could find a "hook" in their messages to me to hang my projection on. An excuse to get angry. That's why unconditional acceptance was VITAL to help this alcoholic find a way through my denial....I'm so good at finding excuses and so full of anger and self-hatred that all I need is a slight indication that I'm not wanted and POW - I'm out of here and back to my old coping mechanisms. I was heading out until Chris and others put that warm blanket of care around me, babied my internal baby, and made me feel SAFE enough to think and feel from the heart instead of from my defensive/in denial stance....
AND
then I was able to SEE the posts I'd felt were harsh as well-meaning as a different kind of help. A clear clarion call to action, a powerful signpost setting out exactly where I was thinking in warped and alcoholic ways, as a sign that people really cared and wanted me to take the path they felt would save me, that my life might depend upon. My distorting lens was removed and I saw those posts for what they were, uncoloured by my own distorted perceptions: suggestions and comments intended to help, which I could simply take or leave.
But
The really wonderful bit is it there hadn't been any very straight-talking (which I SAW as "angry" and "harsh") posts for me to get so irrationally steamed up about in the FIRST place, Valarie wouldn't have had anything (my anger) to make me think about....I would have just felt loved and supported...although that has GOT to be the first requirement cos otherwise I might have done something silly at some point. I certainly was nudging that suicidal thing...
Whew.
I needed ALL that, because my clever little mind was a maze of mirrors....some people talk about their mind being fogged by alcohol....mine is crystal clear...and full of distorting mirrors. I have found it a difficult combination to find a way through and as anyone can see on the board I'm still bouncing around. It must be - no, it might be - frustrating for some and they know enough to learn something from that for themselves...all I can do is say sorry for it...I really am dong the best I'm capable of and I'm so grateful for everyone's help.
This is my heart's truth, not the usual people pleasing isn't everyone lovely. I wouldn't be here and beginning to learn and accept if it wasn't for that PRECISE combination of approaches. Without that help - all of it - I would still be deep in denial and heading to self-destruction. Without the initial love and compassion I think I'd already be in complete breakdown.
Perhaps it has something to do with everyone having a power greater than they know looking after them, whatever that might be for them.
Have a great day.
And Adam, please stick around. EVERY person here is helping everyone else in ways we do not even begin to understand. Your posts really help me.
It really is a miracle. Thank you all.
Martin
| QUOTE |
| Plenty of SKG'S posts used to push my little red buttons. I didn't like him for it either. Eventually, I looked deep with in myself and realized he was just trying to help others get what he had found to. I also was able to see what was wrong with a lot of me. It was his witty, AA zealot and humorous posts and yes I thought he was arrogant at times to. Please forgive me. Today I thank God for him and those times of red button pushing. Yes, you caught me. I'm finding hope and a place that I actually fit in and belong at AA to. Who would have thought? Certainly not me for a long time. I look up to him and have much respect for him now. Because I want more than just sobriety. I want peace and serenity to. |
I AM witty and humorous, but certainly not arrogant. Just ask me! LOL!!!
Look, I have TRIED the softer, easier ways. I have them catologued, for chrissake (not YOU, Chris, 'cause it's not ALWAYS about you... ~grin~)! I've tried the pshrinks, I've tried the lithium-with-campral back, I've tried the Antabuse cocktails, I've tried the kein-bier-fuer-vier (no beer before four), I've tried the no-more-drinking-at-lunch, I've tried the only-one-12-pack-per-night, I've tried the one-eye-blind, I've tried the EVERY damned thing in the book. The ONLY thing that's relieved the obsession and taught me how to live a sober, meaningful, peaceful, peace-FILLED, spirituality-based life is AA. Period.
Chris, thanks for sharing. I am SOOOO grateful that you've found The Solution. It's hard to find when 'self-will run riot' keeps getting in the way, isn't it?
Someone at AA said something that stayed with me just the other week - "Not everyone who doesn't come back goes out to drink again. I know lots of people who got sober lots of ways. Whatever works works, and what doesn't work for one person might work for another. AA works for me and that's good enough."
Sometimes arrogance gets confused with confidence. Skg isn't arrogant he is just very enthusiastic about recovery and wants everyone to feel the way he does. Again...just alkies trying to help others into recovery. jmho
The frustration only comes because we see ourselves in the still struggling addict/alcoholic. We want to scream from the roof tops because we KNOW it's hard yet how can it BE so simple?
The frustration only comes because we see ourselves in the still struggling addict/alcoholic. We want to scream from the roof tops because we KNOW it's hard yet how can it BE so simple?
Its not a question of whether someone who doesn't use AA eventually finds recovery some other way. One of my old bowling partners (10 years sober) went to AA for 2 years, then stopped going. Still sober. Finds their purpose in amateur radio and astronomy. In other words, they found new solutions to their life, to give it meaning. They also use a bit of workahol. A substitution of sorts....What I want to do is learn to moderate all that I do (except chemicals).
Again, its not harping on what one doesn't like, its stating what one trys, or what works and what one is willing to do. In all recovery cases, AA or not, that is what is done. So...tell me what you are doing....
Again, its not harping on what one doesn't like, its stating what one trys, or what works and what one is willing to do. In all recovery cases, AA or not, that is what is done. So...tell me what you are doing....
Hi Elim Garak,
Great name, great show, great characters, great line. I've been meaning to post to you just about that for ages.
I don't know if you're asking me....but just in case....what am I doing? Well it isn't working so far....
I haven't had more than a couple of drinks on any one occasion since last year. I felt comfortable on about three occasions drinking a couple of drinks when I felt balanced and sure that I wouldn't drink more. I decided to stop entirely about a month ago and had a drink the other day. I regretted it because although I only had a glass and a half and drank water all night afterwards, I did something I'd actually decided NOT to do. I did it without thinking and I ended up acting like an arse even though I wasn't drunk....I was insensitive and dishonest with myself. So is what I'm doing working? Only I can judge and by that evidence I'd say no; it was a cheap lesson and wasn't disasterous but it wasn't what I'd wanted to happen.
What am I going to do next? I'm going to take a sledgehammer to the door that I keep allowing to shut between me and my HP. How am I going to do that? I'm going to keep going to counselling, which has enabled me to get back in touch with my emotions, recognise my wounds and my unhealthy defence mechanisms and started to allow my authentic self to grow; meditate, and go to an open AA meeting tomorrow night and see some really nice people for the first time in a couple of months. And as I'm sitting here getting the gift your question gave me, which is contact with my better self and HP, I'm thinking about doing more but I'm not sure yet and need to do a little listening to that quiet inner part of me.
I also think I will go back to Al-anon and try to give something of the love and acceptance that kept me afloat 15 months ago.
Thanks Elim Garak....that was good for me.
Love Star Trek. Another programme about how to live a good life lol.....
Martin
Great name, great show, great characters, great line. I've been meaning to post to you just about that for ages.
I don't know if you're asking me....but just in case....what am I doing? Well it isn't working so far....
I haven't had more than a couple of drinks on any one occasion since last year. I felt comfortable on about three occasions drinking a couple of drinks when I felt balanced and sure that I wouldn't drink more. I decided to stop entirely about a month ago and had a drink the other day. I regretted it because although I only had a glass and a half and drank water all night afterwards, I did something I'd actually decided NOT to do. I did it without thinking and I ended up acting like an arse even though I wasn't drunk....I was insensitive and dishonest with myself. So is what I'm doing working? Only I can judge and by that evidence I'd say no; it was a cheap lesson and wasn't disasterous but it wasn't what I'd wanted to happen.
What am I going to do next? I'm going to take a sledgehammer to the door that I keep allowing to shut between me and my HP. How am I going to do that? I'm going to keep going to counselling, which has enabled me to get back in touch with my emotions, recognise my wounds and my unhealthy defence mechanisms and started to allow my authentic self to grow; meditate, and go to an open AA meeting tomorrow night and see some really nice people for the first time in a couple of months. And as I'm sitting here getting the gift your question gave me, which is contact with my better self and HP, I'm thinking about doing more but I'm not sure yet and need to do a little listening to that quiet inner part of me.
I also think I will go back to Al-anon and try to give something of the love and acceptance that kept me afloat 15 months ago.
Thanks Elim Garak....that was good for me.
Love Star Trek. Another programme about how to live a good life lol.....
Martin
| QUOTE |
| What I want to do is learn to moderate all that I do |
When you find out how to do that Elim,please let me know.The only thing I seem to do in moderation is work.
I think it's human nature to want to believe that "your way" is the best way."No way" seems to be just as popular.
We wouldn't have wars or conflict if this was not true.Dogma is a product of the ego and killing in the name of religion becomes a justifiable act if God's will is thrown in there enough.
I think the programs of NA/AA are remarkable tools to change your thinking, which is where the root of the problems begin.Drugs and alcohol only fuel the dysfunction.I can honestly say the 12 steps have completely shown me that I am no longer a slave to a spiritual waste land.I know a freedom exist in my life today that I have never felt.I can sleep and wake up every day without that dreaded,claustrophobic feeling of impending doom.
However,I am not so arrogant today that I think the program of NA is the only way to achieve this, nor do I believe that if you don't click with it you're doomed.That's just another fudamental "load of crap".
I've known some people who quit that have utilized other methods....but they have done something.Actually I read one of Elims post on the PP board last week that I thought was particularly insightful.It just stated that a lot of people want to "rebel" simply for the mere challenge.There's really no point other than
making a statement of uniqueness.I actually can identify with that.I spent a couple of decades perfecting it.
I can also see how people can interpret the enthusiasm 12 steppers have as cultish.It can get like that.I'm trying to watch myself a bit on that issue because this isn't an NA or AA site. I get my meeting fixes at meetings.I love hearing from all people and man, I have met some wonderful,clever & smart individuals here who are not in the program.It's the same in real life.My natural bent is not to have an open mind so I really have to work on that.I've made a real a** of myself out there and on this board for being so rigid.
If you are staying sober and clean by some other method....Share it.I for one will defend your right to.
I
Awesome posts and gratitude
As a few of you know i have done the sober journey one day at a time for 12 years and i would say half of that has been without active AA meetings but a sound knowledge of how it works from attending meetings has helped when i wasnt going to meetings and i go to meetings when i can now because it really does help me centre and relax also i want to give back some of what has been given to me by the people who kept sitting on the chairs at meetings...E.S.H
I havent had a sponsor as such other than the knowledge of people at meetings and over a coffee and a lot of fear surfing on my behalf
For me it was simple once i realised that i was not the only insane drinker in the world.....I then knew i belonged and got on with repairing a life that i had mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically shattered via my mind and addiction
Living life on lifes terms has replaced hiding life with addiction and i love it
I am not perfect i can get angry, scared, resentful etc etc and when all of this happens i have options and ways of working through any obstacles...
Dodsworth if you are reading get on with however you want to stay sober because it sure as hell beats drinking for a living
light and love Zac
As a few of you know i have done the sober journey one day at a time for 12 years and i would say half of that has been without active AA meetings but a sound knowledge of how it works from attending meetings has helped when i wasnt going to meetings and i go to meetings when i can now because it really does help me centre and relax also i want to give back some of what has been given to me by the people who kept sitting on the chairs at meetings...E.S.H
I havent had a sponsor as such other than the knowledge of people at meetings and over a coffee and a lot of fear surfing on my behalf
For me it was simple once i realised that i was not the only insane drinker in the world.....I then knew i belonged and got on with repairing a life that i had mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically shattered via my mind and addiction
Living life on lifes terms has replaced hiding life with addiction and i love it
I am not perfect i can get angry, scared, resentful etc etc and when all of this happens i have options and ways of working through any obstacles...
Dodsworth if you are reading get on with however you want to stay sober because it sure as hell beats drinking for a living
light and love Zac
