We have our son back at home again (on buprenorphine) having just learned his 10 year cannabis addiction has recently become a Heroin addiction. It's been 10 years of hell and we are pretty much done with it all now. Our marriage has been virtually destroyed, we are pretty much broke and just about every aspect of our lives has been affected. You name it he (we!) have experienced it; domestic violence, neglect, reckless behaviour, grandchildren in care, cars smashed in drink drive crashes, pay offs to prevent violence for unpaid drug purchases, overdoses, suicide attempts, thefts, lies, lies and lies, no debts ever get paid (except his dealer), fines rack up, bills go unpaid, evictions, court cases, social worker meetings, even a short stay in prison (which ironically was the only time he has ever been clean!)
The list of stuff that nobody should ever have to go through really is endless in our case.
But as parents you just keep enabling because you can't switch off the instinct to try and help them. Fix thier lives, educate them, change them.
Our son also has pretty severe ADD and i wonder if anyone on here can advise if this makes any difference. My own feeling is that does and so i wonder if we should be dealing with this issue any differently.
Incidentally, we would love to throw him out right now (lied to us tonight and tricked me into enabling him) but he is not in a good place mentally and totally incapable of looking after himself.
Well that's an introduction i never thought i would have to ever write but it's the first time i have ever written it out as a summary.
- maybe i should have just kept it to a simple hello!
Welcome, and please read lots of posts. From what you describe, having your son home is not helping anyone. I'm sorry if I'm too blunt, but if he is not mentally ready to be out on his own, and he is still lying to you, perhaps being with you isn't helping either, and he needs to find his own way, or not, it's his choice.
I know my son is not mentally in a good place to take care of himself, but.. there are shelters, support groups, and a lot of options, if they decide to engage in them. If they don't, having them at home with you, disrupting hour family, isn't going to help him become self sufficient.
Good luck,
Sombra
I know my son is not mentally in a good place to take care of himself, but.. there are shelters, support groups, and a lot of options, if they decide to engage in them. If they don't, having them at home with you, disrupting hour family, isn't going to help him become self sufficient.
Good luck,
Sombra
I do understand what you are saying. I think about this a lot with my son. He definitely has other issues that contributed to his addiction. And, addiction runs in my family, so he definitely has a tendency towards addiction.
We had to attend classes as part of his recent treatment. I had heard it before, but it made a lot of sense again. The instructor stressed that the person is responsible for managing their disease. I think this applies to addiction, as well as mental health issues. Really, it is the only way. It seems to have made an impact on my son. Yes, you have challenges, but the only option is to start learning how to manage who you are and what your weaknesses are.
Personally, I had a lot of anxiety and ADD growing up. I struggled with these things, but eventually found that exercise helped me. Not perfect, but I kept growing and struggling. I eventually got there. : )
I do empathize with everyone who struggles with mental health issues, but it makes us unique and can make us stronger.
From a parent point of view, we have to take care of ourselves also. We matter. Often when addiction and mental health issues collide, the result is very bad for those around. And, we end up helping no one, and hurting ourselves.
Keep writing, keep reading...Welcome to this place.
We had to attend classes as part of his recent treatment. I had heard it before, but it made a lot of sense again. The instructor stressed that the person is responsible for managing their disease. I think this applies to addiction, as well as mental health issues. Really, it is the only way. It seems to have made an impact on my son. Yes, you have challenges, but the only option is to start learning how to manage who you are and what your weaknesses are.
Personally, I had a lot of anxiety and ADD growing up. I struggled with these things, but eventually found that exercise helped me. Not perfect, but I kept growing and struggling. I eventually got there. : )
I do empathize with everyone who struggles with mental health issues, but it makes us unique and can make us stronger.
From a parent point of view, we have to take care of ourselves also. We matter. Often when addiction and mental health issues collide, the result is very bad for those around. And, we end up helping no one, and hurting ourselves.
Keep writing, keep reading...Welcome to this place.
Hi Sombra - your advice to jet fits me too. thanks for the insight.
Jet - I'm glad you found this site. keep reading and posting. It will help you. and keep up with any meetings, counseling, organizations in your community that you can go to. keep searching on line for information with what you are going through.
Jet - I'm glad you found this site. keep reading and posting. It will help you. and keep up with any meetings, counseling, organizations in your community that you can go to. keep searching on line for information with what you are going through.
Does ADD play a part? Most likely. I think we would all conclude there is some underlying illness that initially brought them to addiction or makes them susceptible. I do think that issue has to be delt w too. In recovery your son should be seeing dr's or therapists that are educated or specialize in duel diagnosis.
Parenting - Thanks for this statement: "you have challenges, but the only option is to start learning how to manage who you are and what your weaknesses are" This is exactly what I am recently realizing in relation to my son - I want to save myself and live out my life. In order to do that (I feel that) my son needs to be functioning independently. your statement is what he needs to learn - yes he has a problem - he needs to deal with it - know his weaknesses and compensate for them.
Parenting - Thanks for this statement: "you have challenges, but the only option is to start learning how to manage who you are and what your weaknesses are" This is exactly what I am recently realizing in relation to my son - I want to save myself and live out my life. In order to do that (I feel that) my son needs to be functioning independently. your statement is what he needs to learn - yes he has a problem - he needs to deal with it - know his weaknesses and compensate for them.
Jet,
Addiction is every parent's worst nightmare. I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through, dealing with this horrible disease. I absolutely know your pain. When my son was an active addict, he was suicidal, and I was doubly terrified because my husband (my son's dad) took his life when my son was 9. My son has generalized anxiety and severe social anxiety as well as severe depression. For those reasons, I continued to rescue my son over and over. I felt his childhood trauma caused him to suffer and I was so scared he would harm himself. I just couldn't accept that I couldn't save my son. It took a long time for me to learn that my son had to want to save himself.
One of the hard lessons I learned was not to prevent a crisis from happening. Addicts cannot hit their bottom and seek recovery if we continue to cushion their fall. This is not easy. Nothing about this is easy. I believe our children's pain hurts us worse than it does them because they can turn to their drug of choice while we suffer.
I read this blog that helped me a great deal when I was having a really difficult time understanding that my love could not save my son.
http://amomsnewreality.blogspot.com...-from-lord.html
Addiction is every parent's worst nightmare. I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through, dealing with this horrible disease. I absolutely know your pain. When my son was an active addict, he was suicidal, and I was doubly terrified because my husband (my son's dad) took his life when my son was 9. My son has generalized anxiety and severe social anxiety as well as severe depression. For those reasons, I continued to rescue my son over and over. I felt his childhood trauma caused him to suffer and I was so scared he would harm himself. I just couldn't accept that I couldn't save my son. It took a long time for me to learn that my son had to want to save himself.
One of the hard lessons I learned was not to prevent a crisis from happening. Addicts cannot hit their bottom and seek recovery if we continue to cushion their fall. This is not easy. Nothing about this is easy. I believe our children's pain hurts us worse than it does them because they can turn to their drug of choice while we suffer.
I read this blog that helped me a great deal when I was having a really difficult time understanding that my love could not save my son.
http://amomsnewreality.blogspot.com...-from-lord.html
Thanks to you all for your advice. I can think of few things worse than this disease for anyone to deal with. I will indeed keep reading. Thanks
I am sorry that you are going through this, but glad you found us!
"Parenting - Thanks for this statement: "you have challenges, but the only option is to start learning how to manage who you are and what your weaknesses are" This is exactly what I am recently realizing in relation to my son"
YES, the first time I heard something like this was at the abuse prevention place. The counselor told me to stop excusing behavior. Even if he could not help it due to some illness, it is unacceptable. HE needs to own it and fix it or suffer the consequences. The second time was this week in the counseling class at rehab.
I think it means so much to me, because this is the source of my enabling! In my Mom's mind, I think he cannot help it. And, in a real way, he may not be able to....But, he needs to realize that and get help. Lots of tools out there once you decide it is YOUR problem to work on.
Still sad and hard and just blah sometimes to see them struggle with their own brains so much. However, we are not responsible and we are not punching bags. It is okay to walk away and be happy. Why? Because we have no control anyway.
Hugs to all.
"Parenting - Thanks for this statement: "you have challenges, but the only option is to start learning how to manage who you are and what your weaknesses are" This is exactly what I am recently realizing in relation to my son"
YES, the first time I heard something like this was at the abuse prevention place. The counselor told me to stop excusing behavior. Even if he could not help it due to some illness, it is unacceptable. HE needs to own it and fix it or suffer the consequences. The second time was this week in the counseling class at rehab.
I think it means so much to me, because this is the source of my enabling! In my Mom's mind, I think he cannot help it. And, in a real way, he may not be able to....But, he needs to realize that and get help. Lots of tools out there once you decide it is YOUR problem to work on.
Still sad and hard and just blah sometimes to see them struggle with their own brains so much. However, we are not responsible and we are not punching bags. It is okay to walk away and be happy. Why? Because we have no control anyway.
Hugs to all.
Thanks. I think that's the hardest thing; accepting the probable truth that i cant help him anyway. In my sons case i really think drugs have held back his maturity as he doesn't really seem so different now he is in his mid twenties to as he was 10 years ago.
Jet,
It's interesting you say that. I attended an addiction workshop and I learned that an addict's brain actually stops development once they become addicted. So a child who begins drinking and/or doing drugs at 15 years old stays at that emotional age as long as he/she is addicted. So if that person begins recovery at 27 years old, that 27 year old is the emotional age of 15.
It's interesting you say that. I attended an addiction workshop and I learned that an addict's brain actually stops development once they become addicted. So a child who begins drinking and/or doing drugs at 15 years old stays at that emotional age as long as he/she is addicted. So if that person begins recovery at 27 years old, that 27 year old is the emotional age of 15.
Hi Jet, I am replying to your post on Hell is being an addicts mom post. To get away from my addicts calls I actually blocked her number, her boyfriends number too on my home phone. I also changed my cell/mobile phone number too just to get peace of mind for a while. It was absolute bliss! But then my anger subsided and was replaced by the worry again. So I unblocked her and when she called the next time I answered it. I had a good month of peace anyway and it did teach her I wasnt putting up with the cursing anymore, and her calls were fewer too. Other than that, not much else changed. As long as your son has a roof over his head, food, clothes and warmth, then why should he change his life? He has it too good living at home and can bum money for drugs from you.They can read us like a book and they all know how to con us very well. Its like theres been a book written on it in the local library and they all have a copy. He knows what buttons to push to get you to give him money. If I was you I would change my way of doing things because I think your son knows how long to keep the sob stories going for before you give in and give him the cash. Its awful and Ive been there. Best thing you can do is a complete 360 degree turn around even if you have to fake it. Try to find a help group for parents of addicts. Im sure theyll be something in England that can help you and your wife. In the US we have Al-anon groups for parents and loved ones dealing with an person addicted to alcohol. Narc-anon for help dealing with a drug addict in the family. Maybe even on the web there will be groups. I hope you find something as its awful what we go through and worse going through it alone. Take care. Mary.
Thanks Mary. Its a terrible game they play. I collected him in the early hours of last night and apart from him smelling like a hobo (which i guess is what he had become) he had the largest blisters on his feet i heve ever seen. I dont know how he got his trainers on his feet. He still had his small shopping bag with some clean clothes in but when i tipped it out at home it was also full of rubbish mixed in - including ciggarette ends he had found on the floor that he was trying to extract tobacco from.
I am going to try and get him back on meds today as his prescription would have been cancelled by now but the drugs help, although free, is not consistent and they may not be able to do anything for him today and rather than face cold turkey, he will end up taking his chances on the street again.
I know you wont judge us in our enabling (i recognise just about anything we do for him is enabling not just the obvious mistake of parting with money) but this is a young man who had problems even before drugs.
His ADD and dyslexia saw him put into the lower sets at school which are invairiably full of other kids with problems so operating outside of normal parameters becomes thier world and his school soon lost patience with him.
He has had some really awfull family members influence him in his early teens and has never had consistent work and has no chance of a decent job. Its only his desperation to use heroin that has driven him to claim social security payments recently as usually he is not even organised enough to get this free money and will live off his partner or us instead.
He has many children with the same unsuitable girlfriend (all in care due to neglect when he was on weed) whos own father actually introduced our son to heroin...and has been evicted from virtually every home he has ever lived in.
Even before drugs became a problem he was unable to look after himself properly or get a consistent income. He will go to exraordinary lengths to get money for drugs though.
I am not trying to make our situation out to be any worse than anyone elses (everyones is different and we all have our own definition of crisis) but i just feel that i am not sure what else our own son has to loose before he reaches this 'rock bottom' place where he will suddenly seek help over heroin and even if he does get off it he will still be left with a world of painfull memories and failure.
Its not like he is going to get well, go back to a decent job and continue with his family -he has never had that kind of life to start with.
We know we have to cut him loose and let him keep falling / failing but its not easy to do as he has always been a vulnerable person even before drugs. Its not pleasant for any parent i know but surely if your child was capable before drugs you have at least some hope he or she has a reasonable operating level they might be able to return to?
For those with a pre existing medical condition such as severe ADD / Dyslexia types, surely its a worse outlook and possibly a longer road too?
But we cant go on like this either as it will eventually destroy our family which is past breaking point anyway so i know i am probably going to have to find the switch that controls my subconcious instinctive love for my son and try and switch it off. The concious love and respect for him was diminished years ago but its that last instict that keeps enabling my heart to rule my head when i get the 20th desperate call.
I am going to try and get him back on meds today as his prescription would have been cancelled by now but the drugs help, although free, is not consistent and they may not be able to do anything for him today and rather than face cold turkey, he will end up taking his chances on the street again.
I know you wont judge us in our enabling (i recognise just about anything we do for him is enabling not just the obvious mistake of parting with money) but this is a young man who had problems even before drugs.
His ADD and dyslexia saw him put into the lower sets at school which are invairiably full of other kids with problems so operating outside of normal parameters becomes thier world and his school soon lost patience with him.
He has had some really awfull family members influence him in his early teens and has never had consistent work and has no chance of a decent job. Its only his desperation to use heroin that has driven him to claim social security payments recently as usually he is not even organised enough to get this free money and will live off his partner or us instead.
He has many children with the same unsuitable girlfriend (all in care due to neglect when he was on weed) whos own father actually introduced our son to heroin...and has been evicted from virtually every home he has ever lived in.
Even before drugs became a problem he was unable to look after himself properly or get a consistent income. He will go to exraordinary lengths to get money for drugs though.
I am not trying to make our situation out to be any worse than anyone elses (everyones is different and we all have our own definition of crisis) but i just feel that i am not sure what else our own son has to loose before he reaches this 'rock bottom' place where he will suddenly seek help over heroin and even if he does get off it he will still be left with a world of painfull memories and failure.
Its not like he is going to get well, go back to a decent job and continue with his family -he has never had that kind of life to start with.
We know we have to cut him loose and let him keep falling / failing but its not easy to do as he has always been a vulnerable person even before drugs. Its not pleasant for any parent i know but surely if your child was capable before drugs you have at least some hope he or she has a reasonable operating level they might be able to return to?
For those with a pre existing medical condition such as severe ADD / Dyslexia types, surely its a worse outlook and possibly a longer road too?
But we cant go on like this either as it will eventually destroy our family which is past breaking point anyway so i know i am probably going to have to find the switch that controls my subconcious instinctive love for my son and try and switch it off. The concious love and respect for him was diminished years ago but its that last instict that keeps enabling my heart to rule my head when i get the 20th desperate call.
Hi Jet, Im so sorry! I didnt realize your son had underlying problems also. I have read on these posts before that some do turn to hard drugs to try and self medicate themselves. Its such a shame! My daughter has ptsd because of a bad thing that happened to her years ago when she was 16 yrs old. I know she started on heroin at 17 as a way to bury those memories. I hope you find the help you need for him. Its so hard. How old is he and how long has he been doing drugs? Take care! Mary
Hi mary, i am not sure if i have interpreted your post correctly but if you are appologising there is no need and i am sorry if my comments had come over in the wrong way.
My son is in his upper mid twenties, history of drug use goes back 10 years mostly weed but we are learning all the time that during that time he has tried / dabbled with many different drugs.
If given tbe opportunity he will sometimes takea almost any tablet from the medical cabinet ifhe thinks it might give him somek knd of high or detachment.
We have long been trying to get him to engage with proper mental health help but its a real struggle as he prefers self medication as opposed to ' government drugs' as he used to call them.
My son is in his upper mid twenties, history of drug use goes back 10 years mostly weed but we are learning all the time that during that time he has tried / dabbled with many different drugs.
If given tbe opportunity he will sometimes takea almost any tablet from the medical cabinet ifhe thinks it might give him somek knd of high or detachment.
We have long been trying to get him to engage with proper mental health help but its a real struggle as he prefers self medication as opposed to ' government drugs' as he used to call them.
Hi Jet, Im sorry for what you have been going through as a family. Its heartbreaking! I know the turmoil and I know what its like to roam the streets in the middle of the night. Yes, many a time Ive went looking for my daughter. Ive picked her up from flop houses, and houses that just had a swat team go through it. She was kidnapped, duck taped, raped and tortured for hours without me able to find or help her. How she lived to survive that, Ill never know! But thank God she did! But it destroyed her. Thats when drugs came into my daughters life with her trying to self medicate herself as she had PTSD. So I believe your son is trying to do the same thing! Trying to calm his inner self, cure whats wrong, because the medicine the doctors give them dont work and they stop taking it. Its awful! I wish I could give you some advice that would help you. But I am at a loss except to say i care and Im here for you when you need a friend. Were all fighting the same battle in one way or another on here and your not alone! My daughter takes Methadone now. Have you suggested that to your son? Suboxone never worked for my daughter either but the Methadone does. Its like exchanging one poison for another but if it helps keep them safer....Ill take it. Weve been going through this for such a long time now and yet here we are. Its got to be true What doesnt kill you makes you stronger although at times I dont feel strong. Thats when I come on here. Your doing the best you can, after all none of us trained for this. Were all just moms and dads doing what any other moms or dads would do to try save their kids. Take care and God bless Jet, Mary.
Mary, thanks for your understanding.
I was shocked when i read your post as i did not know what had happened to your daughter. I cant begin to imagine what that must be like to try and recover from.
I am eternally grateful to you and everyone else that has offered thier advice and support to us even though you are suffering yourselves.
Regarding methadone the drugs workers are reluctant to prescribe this to my son as they believe there is a higher risk (of overdose?) for my son due to his mental state.
The buprenorphine wasnt sufficient last time and my son has been desperate to switch to methadone. I am no expert but i worry he might get used to his prescription and then ask for more and then as it climbs to the maximum he might still be pulling away to use H on top.
I dont know if thats how it works but thats my fear.
He is back home again now and we have been lucky to get a new prescription for buprenorphine. Its holding him just fine and he is 'normal' again but this is exactly what happened last time when it all went to crap as using was still on the back of his mind and all it took was a few slip ups and he was back on heroin.
When i say normal thats not actually how i see him now. He looks and acts normal but having read these posts over the past couple of weeks and experienced him going through a relapse i now realise that it is still a heroin addict sitting there and it isnt going to be different just because its OUR OWN son that this is happening to.
All thats really happening i suppose is that he is experiencing a welcome relief from the feeling of withdrawal as his meds start to do thier best as a stand in performance but its probably only a matter of time before he starts missing the headline act again.
I was shocked when i read your post as i did not know what had happened to your daughter. I cant begin to imagine what that must be like to try and recover from.
I am eternally grateful to you and everyone else that has offered thier advice and support to us even though you are suffering yourselves.
Regarding methadone the drugs workers are reluctant to prescribe this to my son as they believe there is a higher risk (of overdose?) for my son due to his mental state.
The buprenorphine wasnt sufficient last time and my son has been desperate to switch to methadone. I am no expert but i worry he might get used to his prescription and then ask for more and then as it climbs to the maximum he might still be pulling away to use H on top.
I dont know if thats how it works but thats my fear.
He is back home again now and we have been lucky to get a new prescription for buprenorphine. Its holding him just fine and he is 'normal' again but this is exactly what happened last time when it all went to crap as using was still on the back of his mind and all it took was a few slip ups and he was back on heroin.
When i say normal thats not actually how i see him now. He looks and acts normal but having read these posts over the past couple of weeks and experienced him going through a relapse i now realise that it is still a heroin addict sitting there and it isnt going to be different just because its OUR OWN son that this is happening to.
All thats really happening i suppose is that he is experiencing a welcome relief from the feeling of withdrawal as his meds start to do thier best as a stand in performance but its probably only a matter of time before he starts missing the headline act again.
Hi, Thats great you have him back on the Subutex (our name for it here). I dont know what the difference is between that and Suboxone. But I hope it continues to help keep him home and safe! Mary.
Hi, as far as i am aware, buprenorphine is the medication and there are two brands / versions / whatever.
Suboxone has another medication ( naloxone or something like that) added to it that is a heroin antagonist. Apparently both subutex and suboxone block the users enjoyment of using street Herion to one degree or another but the suboxones additional ingredient can conflict with the street drug and cause withdrawal symptoms which acts as a deterent.
It is recommended that the addict be well into withdrawals when they start a prescription for buprenorphine otherwise rather than make things better the medication ends up conflicting with any street heroin still in the users body.
Buprenorphine will 'hold' an addict and keep them out of the withdrawals they fear IF it is used correctly but the user still has some lifting to do to combat the psycological urge to keep using.
This will be his second time around with this type of medication but i am now of the opinion that its vital he doesnt use even once as each time he does i think it reiforces the desire to keep connected to heroin.
I am not an expert so if anyone wants to add or correct anything please do as i know these posts might be read by people looking for facts.
Suboxone has another medication ( naloxone or something like that) added to it that is a heroin antagonist. Apparently both subutex and suboxone block the users enjoyment of using street Herion to one degree or another but the suboxones additional ingredient can conflict with the street drug and cause withdrawal symptoms which acts as a deterent.
It is recommended that the addict be well into withdrawals when they start a prescription for buprenorphine otherwise rather than make things better the medication ends up conflicting with any street heroin still in the users body.
Buprenorphine will 'hold' an addict and keep them out of the withdrawals they fear IF it is used correctly but the user still has some lifting to do to combat the psycological urge to keep using.
This will be his second time around with this type of medication but i am now of the opinion that its vital he doesnt use even once as each time he does i think it reiforces the desire to keep connected to heroin.
I am not an expert so if anyone wants to add or correct anything please do as i know these posts might be read by people looking for facts.
