Hi - I'm new here. I've lived (on and off) with an alcoholic for almost 11 years. I've been emotionally and verbally abused. Had all of my boundaries knocked down, and am finally understanding that it isn't about me. I think I always knew it wasn't but I was so caught up in it, that I couldn't think clearly.
We are now semi-separate. I say that, because he still keeps me within 'hearing distance'. Yes - I've been an enabler. So much so - that it's almost like he needs me to be there with him when he's planning to have a 'couple' of drinks.
Living separately, I am able to see things clearer and one thing I really pay attention to that I never did so much before is that this man has 2 distinct personalities. One, of course, when he is drunk and one when sober.
The drunk guy has no scruples, boundaries, etc. He loves me 'more than anything in the world' - I am his world. He says things to me that if they were real would make me feel like a million bucks, yet I have to tell myself that they are not real. Of course this brings the demanding pushy side out in him, as well, which sometimes makes me feel sick to my stomach. When he's drunk he's always looking to meet other women online or by phone and has actually tried to get me to help him do this. Yes - it's been a rough time.
When he's sober, he hardly says much, except to bark a few orders or get impatient about things. He's actually really boring to be around when he's sober. He becomes a workaholic and everything is about business. He never says anything particularly nice to me and mostly just watches TV if he's not working. He could really care less whether I was around or not.
No wonder I've been so confused for so long.
My question is, when and if people ever become sober - does their personality integrate and do they retain some of the good things about themselves? Even though the drunk person is dramatic and exciting to some degree (while being pathetic at the same time), there is something endearing about them, which can keep us enabling, even though we know that's not good.
On the other hand, if he were to be the way he is sober, I would find him to be very boring and disagreeable and not fun to be around either. It seems as though that may be why some of us enable.
Just trying to understand all of this. Any suggestions would be most welcome!
Thanks
In answer to your question I think if one is active in recovery, people will notice a dramatic change...if one is white knuckling it, most people will not see much of a difference (my real Father is a dry drunk).
