Well I am getting worn out because my 46 y/o addict (although he maintains he isn't) texts me almost daily that he has no gas, is stranded, hasn't eaten in 5 days, has no place to stay, and no job. Lost the last one because they accused him of stealing copper and selling it and my son says it wasn't him, but the employer's grandson that worked there. Sounds fishy because my son came up with $475 to pay on his car title loan that he was behind on.
Tonight he text saying that he has no way to get out of his predicament because he has no gas or food or any way to escape this life. He was cussing and verbally accusing me of being a bad mother and he has no family and all I care about is my husband and our adopted 15 y/o who is in a wheelchair. I responded by saying that I would not talk to him if he continued with filthy language and name calling. He immediately stopped the bad language but continued his conversation and complaining about how he has tried and worked hard but can't ever get a break.
This is his typical pattern and has been going on far too long. I don't believe he is clean but it kills me when he says he is sleeping in his car with no food and no gas. I have to remove myself from the conversation because it tears my heart out!
I pray that God has a plan for my son and reveals it soon because this is wearing me out!
Lori
Lori,
I am so sorry. This is a time you should be enjoying life not feeling this stress/pain. I think this is a bad day for us all. Zach was 30 days clean, went to a sober living and was there maybe 5 days...came home drunk and was asked to leave. So, he spent the day with Sponsor saying he wanted to change. We got him in another sober living...2 days and messed up last night...he is in jail. The police said he was messed up. He has been calling all day and I am not taking the calls.
Makes me sad. When he gets out...he is homeless again.
Love and Prayers my friend
Paula
I am so sorry. This is a time you should be enjoying life not feeling this stress/pain. I think this is a bad day for us all. Zach was 30 days clean, went to a sober living and was there maybe 5 days...came home drunk and was asked to leave. So, he spent the day with Sponsor saying he wanted to change. We got him in another sober living...2 days and messed up last night...he is in jail. The police said he was messed up. He has been calling all day and I am not taking the calls.
Makes me sad. When he gets out...he is homeless again.
Love and Prayers my friend
Paula
I'm sorry he is still trying to pull the guilt trip on you, Lori! I'm proud of you for not tolerating the filthy language!
I know it must tug at your heartstrings to hear him talk about not eating, losing his job etc. but he is in the situation he is in because of his own poor choices.
He is a grown man and it is not up to mommy and daddy to feed, house and clothe him anymore. You have tried to help him get a fresh start so many times in the past and yet, despite all your help, he is still making poor choices and not taking responsibility for his actions. I know if I was destitute and living in my car, the first thing I would do, no matter how much I loved them, would be to get rid of the dogs! I would take them to a no-kill shelter or local dog rescue so they would have a good home and so I would not be spending money I didn't have on caring for them. Your son is only thinking of himself and how he feels about the dogs..he isn't thinking about what is best for them. Dogs need vet care, exercise, grooming etc. He can not give them what they need living in a car.
Instead of spending all this time texting you, bitching about his life, he could be finding the dogs a new, healthier home, he could be putting in job applications anywhere and everywhere or he ould be making an appointment at social services to get help for himself.
Maybe it would help you to sit down and make a list of everything you have done in the past to help him. Write down every time you gave him money directly, paid any of his bills, paid for housing, clothing food etc. When you look at the list and see in black and white all the help you have given him over the years and that despite all this help he is where he is, it might be easier to say no. The truth is that nothing you do is going to help him..he needs to be the one to change his life circumstance. He is approaching middle age...it is about time he takes responsibility for his life being in the toilet!
Keep staying firm in your boundries and do not give in to his manipulation. When my family first stopped enabling, I din't really believe they were serious! I pushed, and pulled and screamed for an entire year before I started changing my behavior. I know without them setting firm boundries and sticking to them, I wouldn't have found recovery because I would have continued to use and have them continue to finance my habit and my other expenses.
It is perfectly within your right to say to your son something like "I'm sorry you are struggling. I love you very much, but I will not be able to give you any money so please do not ask me again. If we are talking and you ask for money or call me names or you continue your diatribe about how I am a lousy mother than I will hang up immediately. I have every confidence that you, as a man in his late fourties can figure out how to make things better."
Do not let him compare himself to his 15 year old handicapped brother. Of course you will help him...He is a minor! I really hope your adult son finally sees the light. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except to hold tight to your bottom line and focus on yourself, your other family members, friends and personal interests.
I'm sorry I don't have any good advice, but just remember that it is not your responsibility to finance or otherwise suport, an able-bodied adult!
Sending you hugs of encouragemnt!
I know it must tug at your heartstrings to hear him talk about not eating, losing his job etc. but he is in the situation he is in because of his own poor choices.
He is a grown man and it is not up to mommy and daddy to feed, house and clothe him anymore. You have tried to help him get a fresh start so many times in the past and yet, despite all your help, he is still making poor choices and not taking responsibility for his actions. I know if I was destitute and living in my car, the first thing I would do, no matter how much I loved them, would be to get rid of the dogs! I would take them to a no-kill shelter or local dog rescue so they would have a good home and so I would not be spending money I didn't have on caring for them. Your son is only thinking of himself and how he feels about the dogs..he isn't thinking about what is best for them. Dogs need vet care, exercise, grooming etc. He can not give them what they need living in a car.
Instead of spending all this time texting you, bitching about his life, he could be finding the dogs a new, healthier home, he could be putting in job applications anywhere and everywhere or he ould be making an appointment at social services to get help for himself.
Maybe it would help you to sit down and make a list of everything you have done in the past to help him. Write down every time you gave him money directly, paid any of his bills, paid for housing, clothing food etc. When you look at the list and see in black and white all the help you have given him over the years and that despite all this help he is where he is, it might be easier to say no. The truth is that nothing you do is going to help him..he needs to be the one to change his life circumstance. He is approaching middle age...it is about time he takes responsibility for his life being in the toilet!
Keep staying firm in your boundries and do not give in to his manipulation. When my family first stopped enabling, I din't really believe they were serious! I pushed, and pulled and screamed for an entire year before I started changing my behavior. I know without them setting firm boundries and sticking to them, I wouldn't have found recovery because I would have continued to use and have them continue to finance my habit and my other expenses.
It is perfectly within your right to say to your son something like "I'm sorry you are struggling. I love you very much, but I will not be able to give you any money so please do not ask me again. If we are talking and you ask for money or call me names or you continue your diatribe about how I am a lousy mother than I will hang up immediately. I have every confidence that you, as a man in his late fourties can figure out how to make things better."
Do not let him compare himself to his 15 year old handicapped brother. Of course you will help him...He is a minor! I really hope your adult son finally sees the light. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do except to hold tight to your bottom line and focus on yourself, your other family members, friends and personal interests.
I'm sorry I don't have any good advice, but just remember that it is not your responsibility to finance or otherwise suport, an able-bodied adult!
Sending you hugs of encouragemnt!
I wonder the same thing, all the time. I will tell you what I have done, which has been working for me. After my son's last tirade, telling me he wished I was "f&^%** dead", I said I'm done for six months. I finally decided I could not listen to his stories, or live his drama, or deal with his issues, anymore. It was wearing me out and making me crazy.
Since my insistence on a six month break from his drama, he has called, apologized, sent me two letters apologizing, gotten hospitalized, and is finally in a shelter, working, and I've heard from other's he is clean, at least right now. In the meantime, I block every number he calls from, and if I do answer the phone and it is him, I tell him that I am sticking to my six month boundary.
I also unfriended him on Facebook, because I was making myself crazy checking his page all the time, looking for any information about how he was doing. In six months, if he is clean and sober, I will then be willing to have contact with him.
I wish you luck in your journey, it is so hard.
Sombra
Since my insistence on a six month break from his drama, he has called, apologized, sent me two letters apologizing, gotten hospitalized, and is finally in a shelter, working, and I've heard from other's he is clean, at least right now. In the meantime, I block every number he calls from, and if I do answer the phone and it is him, I tell him that I am sticking to my six month boundary.
I also unfriended him on Facebook, because I was making myself crazy checking his page all the time, looking for any information about how he was doing. In six months, if he is clean and sober, I will then be willing to have contact with him.
I wish you luck in your journey, it is so hard.
Sombra
Lolleedee and Sombra--
Thanks so much for your input! It really has helped me to stay strong! I appreciate the advice Lollelee on various things to say and good responses. It helps to be prepared ahead of time so I have concrete responses and don't weaken at all!
I like your idea Sombra about a six month break if things get to be too much. Sounds like something I may need to do if things get worse with my sons conversations and I can't deal with him!
((HUGS)))) Lori
Thanks so much for your input! It really has helped me to stay strong! I appreciate the advice Lollelee on various things to say and good responses. It helps to be prepared ahead of time so I have concrete responses and don't weaken at all!
I like your idea Sombra about a six month break if things get to be too much. Sounds like something I may need to do if things get worse with my sons conversations and I can't deal with him!
((HUGS)))) Lori
ps.
I agree Lollee about the dogs! It is ridiculous to keep them in the car and they are covered with fleas and losing their hair. I know they are miserable and also have had no immunizations. Not a good life for them just my son being his usual selfish self!
Lori
I agree Lollee about the dogs! It is ridiculous to keep them in the car and they are covered with fleas and losing their hair. I know they are miserable and also have had no immunizations. Not a good life for them just my son being his usual selfish self!
Lori
Hi Lori, I agree and needed to hear lollee and sombra posts, too. even though it sounds simple and we have heard and said those words before, it is good to hear it again when we are in crisis, to give us confidence.
my thoughts about a 6 month rule, I have had that idea too concerning my son in the past. Just want him to not have strings attached to me, and be clean for 6m or 1yr. In your case you have had months without your son harassing you. can we say that at during those times he was able to get by, either using or not using - we dont know. But when he has no options left, he calls you.
kind of like when they are using we dont hear from them, when they need money we do. so this time that he is asking for 'help' you can not give it bc it will keep him rolling along and he will not go to shelter, or services, etc to help himself. and for you that is heartbreaking bc of course you would like to give him what he needs to clean him up. what to do, what to do....
The next step I can think of is to tell him this:
"your father and I are getting older. at some point your dad and I will not be here on earth. You need to be able to take care of yourself now. Honey, I am doing this for you. If we keep giving, you will not learn. You have a lot of years left after we go, it would be nice to see you self sufficient. Our help has not helped you. Find Social Services to help you."
something close to that but change it where needed.
I will be saying that to my son soon. his dad and I want to make our own plans for retirement and he needs to be independent. I want to see my son take care of himself and make his own decisions. Either I did not teach life skills or he was not listening. So it's time for me to teach now.
my thoughts about a 6 month rule, I have had that idea too concerning my son in the past. Just want him to not have strings attached to me, and be clean for 6m or 1yr. In your case you have had months without your son harassing you. can we say that at during those times he was able to get by, either using or not using - we dont know. But when he has no options left, he calls you.
kind of like when they are using we dont hear from them, when they need money we do. so this time that he is asking for 'help' you can not give it bc it will keep him rolling along and he will not go to shelter, or services, etc to help himself. and for you that is heartbreaking bc of course you would like to give him what he needs to clean him up. what to do, what to do....
The next step I can think of is to tell him this:
"your father and I are getting older. at some point your dad and I will not be here on earth. You need to be able to take care of yourself now. Honey, I am doing this for you. If we keep giving, you will not learn. You have a lot of years left after we go, it would be nice to see you self sufficient. Our help has not helped you. Find Social Services to help you."
something close to that but change it where needed.
I will be saying that to my son soon. his dad and I want to make our own plans for retirement and he needs to be independent. I want to see my son take care of himself and make his own decisions. Either I did not teach life skills or he was not listening. So it's time for me to teach now.
Thanks NY! I know we all go through the same circumstances and feelings involving our addicted kids--just on varying levels and at varying degrees. No matter what it all hurts and it is so hard to move past that wanting to fix it for them, when in fact it really is just fixing it temporarily for ourselves.
My son text me tonight while we were at a birthday party for my 15 y/o son's friend. In the text he said his car was red tagged for being in one spot and that it would be towed in 24 hrs. plus he hoped we had a good dinner since he hasn't eaten and he has no gas to move the car. Then said we were "f---ing as--holes!"
In the past I would have put gas in his car and fed him and I wouldn't be sitting here with a lump in my throat. Today I have stayed strong even when my husband said "what do you want to do--take him some money?". I said no because it won't change anything and then he will need more and more and a place to stay and on and on! It wasn't easy and I sit here waiting for the phone to tell me that they towed his car and now he is on the side of the road with the two dogs (they have no collars or leashes) and what he can carry, cause all he has was in his car. It breaks my heart, but I am letting go and letting God direct what happens next. Anything I did in the last 20 plus years hasn't worked!
Lollee and Sombra posts have really helped me--
Lori
ps. I hope things with your son work out and he gets the big picture! I think of you often--
My son text me tonight while we were at a birthday party for my 15 y/o son's friend. In the text he said his car was red tagged for being in one spot and that it would be towed in 24 hrs. plus he hoped we had a good dinner since he hasn't eaten and he has no gas to move the car. Then said we were "f---ing as--holes!"
In the past I would have put gas in his car and fed him and I wouldn't be sitting here with a lump in my throat. Today I have stayed strong even when my husband said "what do you want to do--take him some money?". I said no because it won't change anything and then he will need more and more and a place to stay and on and on! It wasn't easy and I sit here waiting for the phone to tell me that they towed his car and now he is on the side of the road with the two dogs (they have no collars or leashes) and what he can carry, cause all he has was in his car. It breaks my heart, but I am letting go and letting God direct what happens next. Anything I did in the last 20 plus years hasn't worked!
Lollee and Sombra posts have really helped me--
Lori
ps. I hope things with your son work out and he gets the big picture! I think of you often--
I guess I should have bought a mother's manual. It isn't our place to help and support our adult children? I am never really sure about that...I have done it so long I don't feel in my heart it is really ok to stop. I have to force myself to say no or my son would drain me dry. He uses guilt so much. Someone should have told him, other than me, that I am not required to take care of him forever.
Lori, I hear all the same stuff you do. It is upsetting to hear all those things they tell us and if you are like me it is hard to say no. Right now mine is being nice because he knows I will cut off communication if he isn't but I got 6 emails in a row yesterday asking to 'borrow' money. Funny how borrowed money never gets paid back. Might as well say 'give me some money'. Today I got one saying call me right now please. Currently my son doesn't have my phone number. It is weird not to give your own son my phone number. It seems kind of mean. I changed it and wanted to see if he would back off a bit before giving him the new one. I guess I got the answer to that question with all the messages asking for money. I have no idea why they can't take care of themselves. Even when I don't think he is using (who ever really knows?) he can't figure it out. I guess because they think mothers ATM is always open? Sometimes I wonder if they have some other mental issues .... like a learning disability or something. My son never seemed to want to grow up and I am not really sure why.
Your son could get help without the dogs. They love those dogs but can't care for them. I always felt like they are being so unfair to the dogs and making it impossible to get help themselves but when you point that out ... they don't want to hear it, they just want someone to fix things so they don't have to change. It is kind of the same thing they are doing to us ... love us and the dogs to death. Never thinking about what is good for anyone other than themselves.
Lori, I hear all the same stuff you do. It is upsetting to hear all those things they tell us and if you are like me it is hard to say no. Right now mine is being nice because he knows I will cut off communication if he isn't but I got 6 emails in a row yesterday asking to 'borrow' money. Funny how borrowed money never gets paid back. Might as well say 'give me some money'. Today I got one saying call me right now please. Currently my son doesn't have my phone number. It is weird not to give your own son my phone number. It seems kind of mean. I changed it and wanted to see if he would back off a bit before giving him the new one. I guess I got the answer to that question with all the messages asking for money. I have no idea why they can't take care of themselves. Even when I don't think he is using (who ever really knows?) he can't figure it out. I guess because they think mothers ATM is always open? Sometimes I wonder if they have some other mental issues .... like a learning disability or something. My son never seemed to want to grow up and I am not really sure why.
Your son could get help without the dogs. They love those dogs but can't care for them. I always felt like they are being so unfair to the dogs and making it impossible to get help themselves but when you point that out ... they don't want to hear it, they just want someone to fix things so they don't have to change. It is kind of the same thing they are doing to us ... love us and the dogs to death. Never thinking about what is good for anyone other than themselves.
Oh Lori! I am so sorry. You are right though it is never ending. Gas now, then on and on. Very soon you are right back in the middle with more demands and needs than you can handle and a whole lot poorer. Just breaks your heart and makes you want to cry...
@LOri, Bugs, NY...I know when I was actively using and before my family stopped enabling, they would give me money, cars, pay off credit card. pay my cell phone (because you never know when there will be an emergency and I will have to call you for more money! LOL). They would give it to me and always would say, "this is the last time! Never again! Do not even bother to ask!". and a week or two later, when I was broke, sick and out of resources, I would go back begging. It might take a little more bitching, but they would wind up giving in and giving me whatever I asked for (money, clothes, transportation etc.) and they would say "this is absolutely the last time! I'm sick of it! This is bulls***! This is the last time!" and it was the last time...until the same thing happened all over again a few days later.
It takes a very long time for us addicts to be totally convinced that the "jig is up!" Why does it take so long for us? I think partially because for years our bad behavior and desperate cries were always met with someone swooping in to help us. In my case, I think the attention I got being sick kept me sick, if that makes sense. I remember sitting in my car one day, going through a particularly bad withdrawal and I remember thinking, if I wasn't the "sick" one or the "drug addict", who would I be? Would anyone, my family included even know I existed?
This is just something I went through, but I think it is a common feeling in the using population. That is why we use, because the pain of living is too great without a chemical buffer. I also think that is why relapse rates are so high. You can detox us, keep us in a facility for 90 days, send us to sober living and meetings, but for a huge portion of us, that feeling of who am I without the drugs or how can I live feeling this way all the time...that I do not fit in anywhere.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent there! Ayway, the enabling behaviors of my family preceeded my drug use by decades! From my childhood and up through the teenage years, they always did things I should have been doing myself. Simple things like cleaning my own room, doing my own laundry and other basic living skilss and they also would do things like call my job( I was working since I was 15) if I was sick. I remember being over my best friends house when we were both about 17. We worked in the same clothing store. She was feeling horribly ill and said she couldn'tpossibly go to work this sick. She picked up the phone in the kitchen (where we were hanging out) and called our boss and said she was feeling very ill and would be out that day. I remember thinking how grown up she seemed. After all, any time I was sick, my mommy would call my boss and tell them I wasn't coming in. The fact that she could make such a "grown up" call all by herself without consulting her mom and writing down what she was going to say etc was amazing to me and I remember wishing I could be that grown up!!!
So, in my family, the patterns of "learned helplessness" were layed down for me quite early...long before my drug addiction reared it's ugly head! When my family started to say "no" and stop enabling, I didn't know what to do. All the patterns of behavior from the last 25 years were abruptly changing. When I finally realized they weren't going to budge, I had no choice but to change my behavior.
I remember my mom saying to me that she was very sorry she did not foster my independence and allow me to do things on my own. After all, we all learn by doing and by coming up short. Then we learn to try it another way and if that doesn't work, we try again. It is the beginning of that wonderful quality called resiliency..the ability to pull ourselves up after a failure or mistake and try harder the next time without getting discouraged!!
I know it is hard to stick to your bottom line, but it is so important to "say what you mean and mean what you say!" When my family began this process I was positive I could crack their facade! It was like I was on a mission to prove that I could make them do whatever I wanted. When it finally hit me that all I had was me, all of a sudden I was trying things and doing things i never thought I could do and little by little, deed by deed i was gaining skills and self esteem. Actually putting down the drugs came later, but slowly the behavior patterns of my addiction started to change.
Any time you feel tempted to give in for "one last shower" or "just a few bucks" remember that every time you give in, you are robbing him his opportunity to grow. In reality if any of the things he asked for over the last years was going to help, it would have by now, yet they continue to spiral!
One quick thing. When I would talk to my mom or dad (my 2 biggest enablers by far!) and say things like "I never get a break" "life sucks" "I hate living in my car, the only answer they would say is "I'm sorry you feel that way" That was it..end of story. All my moaning and bitching would just be met with "I'm sorry you feel that way" over and over..probably hundreds of times. Eventually, I decided I was unhappy and my life sucked and I began to seek recovery.
Hang in there! Make sure you take care of yourself and do not feel guilty if he is living in his car. He made those choices and hopefully one day will make different choices!
It takes a very long time for us addicts to be totally convinced that the "jig is up!" Why does it take so long for us? I think partially because for years our bad behavior and desperate cries were always met with someone swooping in to help us. In my case, I think the attention I got being sick kept me sick, if that makes sense. I remember sitting in my car one day, going through a particularly bad withdrawal and I remember thinking, if I wasn't the "sick" one or the "drug addict", who would I be? Would anyone, my family included even know I existed?
This is just something I went through, but I think it is a common feeling in the using population. That is why we use, because the pain of living is too great without a chemical buffer. I also think that is why relapse rates are so high. You can detox us, keep us in a facility for 90 days, send us to sober living and meetings, but for a huge portion of us, that feeling of who am I without the drugs or how can I live feeling this way all the time...that I do not fit in anywhere.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent there! Ayway, the enabling behaviors of my family preceeded my drug use by decades! From my childhood and up through the teenage years, they always did things I should have been doing myself. Simple things like cleaning my own room, doing my own laundry and other basic living skilss and they also would do things like call my job( I was working since I was 15) if I was sick. I remember being over my best friends house when we were both about 17. We worked in the same clothing store. She was feeling horribly ill and said she couldn'tpossibly go to work this sick. She picked up the phone in the kitchen (where we were hanging out) and called our boss and said she was feeling very ill and would be out that day. I remember thinking how grown up she seemed. After all, any time I was sick, my mommy would call my boss and tell them I wasn't coming in. The fact that she could make such a "grown up" call all by herself without consulting her mom and writing down what she was going to say etc was amazing to me and I remember wishing I could be that grown up!!!
So, in my family, the patterns of "learned helplessness" were layed down for me quite early...long before my drug addiction reared it's ugly head! When my family started to say "no" and stop enabling, I didn't know what to do. All the patterns of behavior from the last 25 years were abruptly changing. When I finally realized they weren't going to budge, I had no choice but to change my behavior.
I remember my mom saying to me that she was very sorry she did not foster my independence and allow me to do things on my own. After all, we all learn by doing and by coming up short. Then we learn to try it another way and if that doesn't work, we try again. It is the beginning of that wonderful quality called resiliency..the ability to pull ourselves up after a failure or mistake and try harder the next time without getting discouraged!!
I know it is hard to stick to your bottom line, but it is so important to "say what you mean and mean what you say!" When my family began this process I was positive I could crack their facade! It was like I was on a mission to prove that I could make them do whatever I wanted. When it finally hit me that all I had was me, all of a sudden I was trying things and doing things i never thought I could do and little by little, deed by deed i was gaining skills and self esteem. Actually putting down the drugs came later, but slowly the behavior patterns of my addiction started to change.
Any time you feel tempted to give in for "one last shower" or "just a few bucks" remember that every time you give in, you are robbing him his opportunity to grow. In reality if any of the things he asked for over the last years was going to help, it would have by now, yet they continue to spiral!
One quick thing. When I would talk to my mom or dad (my 2 biggest enablers by far!) and say things like "I never get a break" "life sucks" "I hate living in my car, the only answer they would say is "I'm sorry you feel that way" That was it..end of story. All my moaning and bitching would just be met with "I'm sorry you feel that way" over and over..probably hundreds of times. Eventually, I decided I was unhappy and my life sucked and I began to seek recovery.
Hang in there! Make sure you take care of yourself and do not feel guilty if he is living in his car. He made those choices and hopefully one day will make different choices!
hi lollee, thanks for the insight. my son is definitely using again. and working 5 days a week, and every other weekend. my biggest fear is his driving. he has accidents from nodding off in the past. I have confronted him in the past few weeks. he denies it. but I have been putting his money managing on his plate. I think if I see him save more each week, then less is being spent on drugs?
he stopped by yesterday and was nodding. when do they nod? before doing, after doing, during withdrawal? he had not come around for 2 weeks, and over this week stopped in a few times. last night I was thinking if it would be better to engage him a lot while hoping he stops using, instead of ignoring him. if aloneness leads to usage? And then I saw your post this morning.
he stopped by yesterday and was nodding. when do they nod? before doing, after doing, during withdrawal? he had not come around for 2 weeks, and over this week stopped in a few times. last night I was thinking if it would be better to engage him a lot while hoping he stops using, instead of ignoring him. if aloneness leads to usage? And then I saw your post this morning.
Lolledee, Yes I think it started early in our family too. I did more than I should have for my son when he was young. He would not do anything he was supposed to do and, rather than nag or punish him all the time, I just did things for him...it seemed easier. I did things for my daughter too, but as she got older she took on more and more herself. I gradually let go as she assumed more responsibility. One day she was all grown up and didn't really need me anymore except for minor things. My son has always been a different person and never assumed any responsibility on his own...didn't want to do homework or obey rules. I think you are right about the learned behavior. We perhaps reinforced the bad behavior and habits not thinking about the long-term consequences. I just assumed that my son would want to make the same transition into adulthood and full independence at some point but I am still waiting to see it. He wants all the benefits of being an adult but none of the work that goes with it.
Thank you for providing your prospective. It helps me keep on track and understand both sides. Since very little is normal about my relationship with my son, your thoughts help me see the bigger picture.
NY - I tried different strategies with my son and nothing seemed to work. He used when he wanted to use and that was it. I don't think anything I did made any difference. The only thing I was able to do was to postpone the downward spiral, keep his life normal as long as possible, and keep him healthy for awhile. I thought if he was around family with regular normal lives, he would want to be more like them. I thought if I kept him from family because of his behavior, he would want to improve so he could become a part of things again. I punished him, ranted and raved, threatened, watched and tried to control him, was logical and nurturing, and tried all kinds of things. My son lives in the moment and is not a big picture sort of guy. Your son is at least working regularly and is cooperating with you. Maybe he will realize that he can't keep things up if he starts using regularly again. I too would worry about his having an accident in a car. I bought my son cars, but always put things in his name. I was too afraid of being associated with something illegal or being sued or arrested for something he did. I gave up any control of the car or what he did with it, but I wasn't liable for anything that happened either.
Thank you for providing your prospective. It helps me keep on track and understand both sides. Since very little is normal about my relationship with my son, your thoughts help me see the bigger picture.
NY - I tried different strategies with my son and nothing seemed to work. He used when he wanted to use and that was it. I don't think anything I did made any difference. The only thing I was able to do was to postpone the downward spiral, keep his life normal as long as possible, and keep him healthy for awhile. I thought if he was around family with regular normal lives, he would want to be more like them. I thought if I kept him from family because of his behavior, he would want to improve so he could become a part of things again. I punished him, ranted and raved, threatened, watched and tried to control him, was logical and nurturing, and tried all kinds of things. My son lives in the moment and is not a big picture sort of guy. Your son is at least working regularly and is cooperating with you. Maybe he will realize that he can't keep things up if he starts using regularly again. I too would worry about his having an accident in a car. I bought my son cars, but always put things in his name. I was too afraid of being associated with something illegal or being sued or arrested for something he did. I gave up any control of the car or what he did with it, but I wasn't liable for anything that happened either.
bugs - ty! a big YES to everything you said. Try this way and that way.....
I know the sad and true truth only he can stop. and it will be successful only when HE wants to and puts strong effort in that. I see from reading here how hard it is for them. I have sympathy for them/him but we cant let him reck other people's live. We will try to talk to him, minimize the car usage or drive him - which is hard, work is an hour away. we blocked some phone numbers on his phone- only good thing about keeping him on our phone plan, is that we can somewhat track activity.(ooohhh bad mommy!) maybe we can fight back and not give up.
...another day in the life of addiction. Thanks for the support and insight.
I know the sad and true truth only he can stop. and it will be successful only when HE wants to and puts strong effort in that. I see from reading here how hard it is for them. I have sympathy for them/him but we cant let him reck other people's live. We will try to talk to him, minimize the car usage or drive him - which is hard, work is an hour away. we blocked some phone numbers on his phone- only good thing about keeping him on our phone plan, is that we can somewhat track activity.(ooohhh bad mommy!) maybe we can fight back and not give up.
...another day in the life of addiction. Thanks for the support and insight.
