Just had my mum on the phone saying she cant watch her son (my brother)kill himself taking herion anymore, she said she wants to end her own life as she cant cope with all this, things seem to be getting worse, my brother doesnt want to stop and has no intentions of stopping.
I told my mum she cant have him living there, but she cant throw him out as she dont want to see him deteriate, or end up in a body bag, she said least when hes in her house she can take care of him, i dont agree with her but hes not my son, shes always shakin and crying with worry, shes not eating, she cant sleep as she thinks dealers might be after him for money.
My dad dont know what to do either, hes strong but i know its killing him inside, he knows the severity of his addiction but my mum is so nieve to heroin that she thinks he will come off it just like that, she dont understand, i think she needs to go to a meeting where she can meet other parents with the same issues, but shes so embarrased she wouldnt go, i also advised her to see a doctor and see if she can get some depressants or see a councellor anything to help her.
I dont know what to do, its easier for me as i can attatch myself from it as i have my own family, but hes her son and she cant just let go of him, she said she would rather die than see him abuse his body like this.
Tough love is hard when it's your baby. And I don't care how old he is, he's a baby that's hurting to your Mom. I would be devastated if it were my son. I'd probably be copping for him to keep him out of trouble. I'd like to think I'd be tough but I probably wouldn't. My momma spent every cent she had before she died keeping me in drugs. I'm just thankful that I got on methadone before she died. She saw the change it made in me. She made me promise not to quit and go back to the streets on her deathbed. So far, I've kept my promise. I've had a few relapses but only isolated incidents. I didn't get back out there. Maybe methadone would work for your brother? I know it's trading addictions but it's legal! No more dealers, no more stealing. He could get his life back together before he detoxes. They have counsillors at the clinics also.
Dear Shell,
One of the things that helped my husband the most when we went to the family session for my son's rehab was the statement...."YOU didn't cause this, YOU can't cure this, YOU can't control this, and YOU can't love him enough to make him stop." I had already been told this by the people on here, but it was the first he had heard it and it really relieved him. Through my son's addiction I also have come to realize that addiction happens even in the best of families. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Maybe if you could get her to start with visiting this sight (if she doesn't already), it would be a step in the right direction towards going to meetings. At meetings, you don't have to even tell people why you're there if you don't want to. Chances are, after a few, she will want to though.
I remember the days where the heartache was so bad that you just wanted your heart to stop beating so it wouldn't hurt anymore. I did go on a low dose of an anti-depressant during the worst part of my son's active addiction and I think that is what allowed me to sleep at night. Of course, reality didn't fade away but I'm sure it helped me somewhat to deal with it.
I pray that the angels will surround and protect you brother from harm until he wants recovery for himself and I pray for strength for your mom.
God bless!
Susan
One of the things that helped my husband the most when we went to the family session for my son's rehab was the statement...."YOU didn't cause this, YOU can't cure this, YOU can't control this, and YOU can't love him enough to make him stop." I had already been told this by the people on here, but it was the first he had heard it and it really relieved him. Through my son's addiction I also have come to realize that addiction happens even in the best of families. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Maybe if you could get her to start with visiting this sight (if she doesn't already), it would be a step in the right direction towards going to meetings. At meetings, you don't have to even tell people why you're there if you don't want to. Chances are, after a few, she will want to though.
I remember the days where the heartache was so bad that you just wanted your heart to stop beating so it wouldn't hurt anymore. I did go on a low dose of an anti-depressant during the worst part of my son's active addiction and I think that is what allowed me to sleep at night. Of course, reality didn't fade away but I'm sure it helped me somewhat to deal with it.
I pray that the angels will surround and protect you brother from harm until he wants recovery for himself and I pray for strength for your mom.
God bless!
Susan
Dear Shell, if your mother won't go to a support group for the families of addicts, please get her to come online and use this board. She needs to understand what she's dealing with, coz it's not something that normal life experience prepares you for. I know she thinks she's doing the right thing by letting him stay at home, where she can keep an eye on him, but, as I think you are starting to understand, she's not doing him any favours.
She's bound to have questions that she's not getting any answers to from him, because as he is in the grip of addiction, he really isn't capable of being completely honest with her. Encourage your mom to come here, talk to other addicts, like me, who will give her the "low down" on what's happening, and hopefully offer her support. As you know, this site has a section for friends and families, but I think it would help your mom to come to this section, for heroin addicts, so she can perhaps learn a few things from the horses mouth, so to speak.
Susan has been through, and is still going through exactly the same thing as your mom, and you can go back and read her story. Susan showed nothing but love for her son, but she let him take the consequences of his actions, because she realised that's the only way you can work through this problem.
I am an addict, now clean, I was completely immersed up to my neck in the "drug underworld". Having family members involving themselves on a day to day basis in your life, with the best intentions, is counter productive. I would like to be able to reassure your mother that by casting him out of the family home, by cutting off financial support, she is doing him a big favour. What she is doing right now is enabling him. She is actually feeding and nurturing the addiction. She's not helping him. I do realise that her love for her child is a completely overpowering emotion, but for her own sanity, she has to find a way of dealing with her own pain. Nobody is saying that she has to stop loving him, or end contact with him. But NOT UNDER HER ROOF! She can talk to him on the phone, she can meet up with him whenever. But she has to stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions, and she has to start finding ways to get through this herself, and it's impossible whilst she's confronted with it on a daily basis.
Drug addicts are exceptionally resourceful. He'll find somewhere to stay, and he'll be alright. I got clean without any help from my family. I kept them all at arms length until I was right. The desire to be part of my family again was a strong motivating factor in wanting to get clean. The best people to help your brother are professional drug workers, who have training and experience in helping addicts get clean. Not family, who's every act is swayed by emotion.
When an addict has it "cushy" and is getting free bed and board, then there's no incentive to stop. Her pain, her worry, her love, it won't stop him. He has to learn that it's tough being an addict in the real world. He has to learn that in order to keep doing heroin, he has to make big sacrifices. He has to learn that in order to have heroin he has to make choices, choices between having food, or heroin, having warmth, or heroin, having a home, or heroin, being part of his family, or heroin. He has to learn that there will be times when he cannot have heroin, because he's spent all his money, and during those times he will be dreadfully ill. He has to learn that he will have to commit crime in order to pay for his habit, and he will be getting arrested, and he may have to go to jail, because he's choosing to do heroin. That is the life of a heroin addict, and he has to learn that it's not a good place to be, and he has to suffer as a result of his choice to do heroin. I know it sounds harsh, but the more an addict suffers because of their addiction, the more likely they are to want to stop. Heroin kills. It's just as likely to kill him under her roof as it is out in the real world. You can't love someone out of their addiction. You have to force them to open their eyes to the reality of it. She cannot protect him from this.
I don't want to add to her, or your fear, but I want to tell you a little story about a friend of mine. She was just a young kid, her family knew about her addiction, and they did what your mom is doing. Kept her at home, where they could keep an eye on her, make sure she ate, gave her shelter, helped her financially, became resigned to her stealing, etc. They thought it she would be better off staying within the family. They thought they could protect her. Her mother would check on her every morning. One morning in July 2004 her mother found her dead on her bedroom floor. She was just 18 years old. You cannot protect someone from themselves. Every addict has to learn the hard way, or they don't learn at all.
I hope that your mother comes to realise that she has to get support for herself. She can't hide away and deal with this alone.
best wishes
Diff x
She's bound to have questions that she's not getting any answers to from him, because as he is in the grip of addiction, he really isn't capable of being completely honest with her. Encourage your mom to come here, talk to other addicts, like me, who will give her the "low down" on what's happening, and hopefully offer her support. As you know, this site has a section for friends and families, but I think it would help your mom to come to this section, for heroin addicts, so she can perhaps learn a few things from the horses mouth, so to speak.
Susan has been through, and is still going through exactly the same thing as your mom, and you can go back and read her story. Susan showed nothing but love for her son, but she let him take the consequences of his actions, because she realised that's the only way you can work through this problem.
I am an addict, now clean, I was completely immersed up to my neck in the "drug underworld". Having family members involving themselves on a day to day basis in your life, with the best intentions, is counter productive. I would like to be able to reassure your mother that by casting him out of the family home, by cutting off financial support, she is doing him a big favour. What she is doing right now is enabling him. She is actually feeding and nurturing the addiction. She's not helping him. I do realise that her love for her child is a completely overpowering emotion, but for her own sanity, she has to find a way of dealing with her own pain. Nobody is saying that she has to stop loving him, or end contact with him. But NOT UNDER HER ROOF! She can talk to him on the phone, she can meet up with him whenever. But she has to stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions, and she has to start finding ways to get through this herself, and it's impossible whilst she's confronted with it on a daily basis.
Drug addicts are exceptionally resourceful. He'll find somewhere to stay, and he'll be alright. I got clean without any help from my family. I kept them all at arms length until I was right. The desire to be part of my family again was a strong motivating factor in wanting to get clean. The best people to help your brother are professional drug workers, who have training and experience in helping addicts get clean. Not family, who's every act is swayed by emotion.
When an addict has it "cushy" and is getting free bed and board, then there's no incentive to stop. Her pain, her worry, her love, it won't stop him. He has to learn that it's tough being an addict in the real world. He has to learn that in order to keep doing heroin, he has to make big sacrifices. He has to learn that in order to have heroin he has to make choices, choices between having food, or heroin, having warmth, or heroin, having a home, or heroin, being part of his family, or heroin. He has to learn that there will be times when he cannot have heroin, because he's spent all his money, and during those times he will be dreadfully ill. He has to learn that he will have to commit crime in order to pay for his habit, and he will be getting arrested, and he may have to go to jail, because he's choosing to do heroin. That is the life of a heroin addict, and he has to learn that it's not a good place to be, and he has to suffer as a result of his choice to do heroin. I know it sounds harsh, but the more an addict suffers because of their addiction, the more likely they are to want to stop. Heroin kills. It's just as likely to kill him under her roof as it is out in the real world. You can't love someone out of their addiction. You have to force them to open their eyes to the reality of it. She cannot protect him from this.
I don't want to add to her, or your fear, but I want to tell you a little story about a friend of mine. She was just a young kid, her family knew about her addiction, and they did what your mom is doing. Kept her at home, where they could keep an eye on her, make sure she ate, gave her shelter, helped her financially, became resigned to her stealing, etc. They thought it she would be better off staying within the family. They thought they could protect her. Her mother would check on her every morning. One morning in July 2004 her mother found her dead on her bedroom floor. She was just 18 years old. You cannot protect someone from themselves. Every addict has to learn the hard way, or they don't learn at all.
I hope that your mother comes to realise that she has to get support for herself. She can't hide away and deal with this alone.
best wishes
Diff x
Your mom first and foremost needs to see a doctor about depression. It can and does kill. Then both your parents need to attend nar anon or alanon. Been there and done that with all of thoughts they are going through. They can spend all the time they want on what did I do, what can I do and how did this. It will do no good for them. Things will only get better for them when they take action on themselves.
