After finding the pot and bong in my son's room, his dad and I sat down and talked with him, asked him what was going on and set some boundaries. 1. Can't live at home and do drugs 2. Can't drive our cars if we even suspect he is using. 3. I will NOT give him any cash, we have a seperate savings that he can't access, and I will deposit money he earns, babysitting, cleaning house, helping out, etc. in that account, but I will NOT give him cash.
I know he is extremely lonely for friends, but is not making the effort to find any his age. I know he is upset over losing his job, but also, not making the effort to find one (I gave him my car Wed.to look, he said he didn't apply any where because he was driving around looking for Help Wanted signs), even though I had pointed out 3 different places I had seen signs for help wanted. There is just no gumption, no motivation to change things. I don't get it.
He is actually being very nice, being great with his little brother and sister which is wonderful (they adore him)
My problem is that - Even though he said that was just a short 3 day lapse in judgement, that he isn't using anymore and he will have to regain our trust.
Alot of changed in 1 week - He hasn't gone to a AA meeting for a week, he used to go 4-5 times a week, he said he is 18 and everyone is older and he is burned out going. He had spent almost everyday with or talking to his sponsor, now he hasn't seen him in a week or talked to him, says he is just taking a break (his sponsor seems to be more a good friend then sponsor) - his sponsor also spends the majority of his day, going from one meeting to the next, and not much else, my son said after seeing this, it is not the way he wants to live his life, just going to AA all day then sitting at home, he wants to have a life. AND the big thing is that in the last couple of days, and I can't prove it, but his eyes look totally glassed over, I don't know if I am making an excuse, but a nasty cold has gone through our house and he has along with his siblings. He isn't acting high, it is just the look that I remember. The one where their eyes are half shut and when you look at them they make there eyes more alert (if you know what I mean) and just the look.
The thing is - I don't know if I am reading to much into this, am I looking for this and seeing something that isn't there just because it has happend in the past?
His additude at home is good, like I said he is nice to his siblings, I don't want to accuse, I'm just not sure. All of me doesn't want to go down that road again! I love him so much, but I refuse to enable anymore. I want him to live.
Hi baseball Mom,
I'm a mom too of 3 awesome young people. My oldest son is 19 and has recently moved back home and I am restaining myself to not treat him like he's 16, especially since he has regressed, LOL but hey our whole house is about being a baby and learning again how to walk.......
My thoughts are about where are you going? Who are you with? Be home at 1:00 am latest....blah, blah...I shut up. It's getting better. He is a man, after all and he is moving out again in february......He initiates most of the hugs which is really cool.
He's moving to a house across the street with 4 childhood friends. Yes, I will bring him casseroles, but no, I will not be the mom from Everybody loves Raymond." LOL
I had boundaries while he was growing up. If he broke the rules (like the time I showed up at a party where the parents were condoning underage drinking and tore a strip off them, embarrassed him and made him clean up the car when he puked the same night.)There were many consequenses. When he got in the door, I made him wash his clothes and dry them before he could sleep. Then I told him he had to vacuum the house at 7am. He didn't have to vaccuum that early after all ( no way was I going to get up that early because of something he did) instead he told me when I came into his room at 9 am and he panicked because he laid awake until 5 am freaking out all night that he wouldn't get up in time to vaccuum. After that I made him write a 1000 word essay on the evils of substance abuse......but the worst punishment was when I made him call his grandmother and tell her what he did.
He thanks me today for caring enough to be tough on him.
Hey buddy, I said, no drugs, no alcohol, no tattoos, no piercings, no credit cards until he was 18, then, should he choose to treat his body like a garbage can, go hard, move out, my job was done. I did pay for his condoms, bought him a microwave, dishes and a few groceries though.....and missed him horribly for the whole ten months. :-(
In the meantime he has seen me do the hard work of working on myself his whole life. He has also seen me relapse and go get help. He knows me inside and out. I've never hid a thing except the part where I was raped a week before he was concieved. There is no purpose in sharing that. He will never know that. The DNA proved the rapist wasn't his father.
He moved out for 10 months when he was 18. He drank his face off, learned who was his friends and who were leeches. Slept in his bathtub, when the apartment was wall to wall people. Worked for 10$/hour, 40 hours a week, went to the food bank twice. Got a credit card, racked it up to a $1000. The whole time I watched and bit my tongue. Except for telling him I love him so much and he won't understand that until he has babies. He has since said things like, "If ya would have let me drink when I was younger, I wouldn't have went crazy with the partying when I was legal" Sigh.
I never said a word. Two nights ago he went to a GWAR concert and drank WATER. I was shocked, and proud.
I guess the moral of my story is the hardest thing about being a parent for me is 1.)showing by example, 2.)consequences are always necessary. 3.)Boundaries are essential. 4.) Love them the most when they are unlovable. 5.) Never give up. 6.) Spending time with them doing something they want to do even if you hate it. Like going to a disgusting movie, or checking out their latest music without judgement. Or going to every single sports event they're in or watch. 7.) Don't take anything they say offensive personally, respond with, I guess your feeling (insert a feeling here)then....just listen and shut up. 8.) Talk about your feelings and encourage them to do the same. 9.) Hug them, ask permission though and accept the answer. (weed stinks, you'll know it for sure if he's toking.) But do NOT say anything about it (it's just a good way to check if your kid is using). Or you will distant him. Let it go. With every hug he will soften, guarantee it. 10) Being HONEST about your past and family history of substance use/abuse. Don't sugar coat, or lie.
Of course this has only been my experience and if it all falls apart, because it turns out I'm a controlling, demanding psycho, oh well, I know I did my absolute best.... oh and my 14 year old daughter is currently a whole other story....:-) I tell myself...... I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. LOL
One more thing...I tell him how much I appreciate him being kind and spending time with his siblings. I tell him they look up to him and love him dearly, so "thanks". :-)
I'm a mom too of 3 awesome young people. My oldest son is 19 and has recently moved back home and I am restaining myself to not treat him like he's 16, especially since he has regressed, LOL but hey our whole house is about being a baby and learning again how to walk.......
My thoughts are about where are you going? Who are you with? Be home at 1:00 am latest....blah, blah...I shut up. It's getting better. He is a man, after all and he is moving out again in february......He initiates most of the hugs which is really cool.
He's moving to a house across the street with 4 childhood friends. Yes, I will bring him casseroles, but no, I will not be the mom from Everybody loves Raymond." LOL
I had boundaries while he was growing up. If he broke the rules (like the time I showed up at a party where the parents were condoning underage drinking and tore a strip off them, embarrassed him and made him clean up the car when he puked the same night.)There were many consequenses. When he got in the door, I made him wash his clothes and dry them before he could sleep. Then I told him he had to vacuum the house at 7am. He didn't have to vaccuum that early after all ( no way was I going to get up that early because of something he did) instead he told me when I came into his room at 9 am and he panicked because he laid awake until 5 am freaking out all night that he wouldn't get up in time to vaccuum. After that I made him write a 1000 word essay on the evils of substance abuse......but the worst punishment was when I made him call his grandmother and tell her what he did.
He thanks me today for caring enough to be tough on him.
Hey buddy, I said, no drugs, no alcohol, no tattoos, no piercings, no credit cards until he was 18, then, should he choose to treat his body like a garbage can, go hard, move out, my job was done. I did pay for his condoms, bought him a microwave, dishes and a few groceries though.....and missed him horribly for the whole ten months. :-(
In the meantime he has seen me do the hard work of working on myself his whole life. He has also seen me relapse and go get help. He knows me inside and out. I've never hid a thing except the part where I was raped a week before he was concieved. There is no purpose in sharing that. He will never know that. The DNA proved the rapist wasn't his father.
He moved out for 10 months when he was 18. He drank his face off, learned who was his friends and who were leeches. Slept in his bathtub, when the apartment was wall to wall people. Worked for 10$/hour, 40 hours a week, went to the food bank twice. Got a credit card, racked it up to a $1000. The whole time I watched and bit my tongue. Except for telling him I love him so much and he won't understand that until he has babies. He has since said things like, "If ya would have let me drink when I was younger, I wouldn't have went crazy with the partying when I was legal" Sigh.
I never said a word. Two nights ago he went to a GWAR concert and drank WATER. I was shocked, and proud.
I guess the moral of my story is the hardest thing about being a parent for me is 1.)showing by example, 2.)consequences are always necessary. 3.)Boundaries are essential. 4.) Love them the most when they are unlovable. 5.) Never give up. 6.) Spending time with them doing something they want to do even if you hate it. Like going to a disgusting movie, or checking out their latest music without judgement. Or going to every single sports event they're in or watch. 7.) Don't take anything they say offensive personally, respond with, I guess your feeling (insert a feeling here)then....just listen and shut up. 8.) Talk about your feelings and encourage them to do the same. 9.) Hug them, ask permission though and accept the answer. (weed stinks, you'll know it for sure if he's toking.) But do NOT say anything about it (it's just a good way to check if your kid is using). Or you will distant him. Let it go. With every hug he will soften, guarantee it. 10) Being HONEST about your past and family history of substance use/abuse. Don't sugar coat, or lie.
Of course this has only been my experience and if it all falls apart, because it turns out I'm a controlling, demanding psycho, oh well, I know I did my absolute best.... oh and my 14 year old daughter is currently a whole other story....:-) I tell myself...... I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. LOL
One more thing...I tell him how much I appreciate him being kind and spending time with his siblings. I tell him they look up to him and love him dearly, so "thanks". :-)
My son is 22 and alcohol and weed have gotten him into a world of trouble. We were tough on him and set lots of rules and punishments. None of it worked very well. I thought after he served 30 days in jail for petty theft he would see the light, but he can't seem to complete the probation. He is on the verge of gong back to jail if he doesn't complete a drug program. (Which he says he will.)
He started AA when he was still 17. It is not a place for teens. On varous occasions, I was critized for my parenting skills and he would take their advice over mine. His "sponsor" was a 50 year old man who called and wanted to take him out in his semi for a week. Not hardly - my son is in high school! The guy dropped my son immediately. I think I thwarted a child molestor.
My son and I are still close and his brother and sister are friendly to him. But he can't seem to do anything on his own (he has a college education). He doesn't look for a job, either. My mother supports him. I think weed zaps all of the initiative out of these kids.
I did let him know that when he lived with me I would search his room and check phone calls, etc. But I became a full time warden. Drug testing can be used, but you still have to have consequences and are you willing to kick him out? I had to finally, but I don't advise it unless absolutely necessary.
He started AA when he was still 17. It is not a place for teens. On varous occasions, I was critized for my parenting skills and he would take their advice over mine. His "sponsor" was a 50 year old man who called and wanted to take him out in his semi for a week. Not hardly - my son is in high school! The guy dropped my son immediately. I think I thwarted a child molestor.
My son and I are still close and his brother and sister are friendly to him. But he can't seem to do anything on his own (he has a college education). He doesn't look for a job, either. My mother supports him. I think weed zaps all of the initiative out of these kids.
I did let him know that when he lived with me I would search his room and check phone calls, etc. But I became a full time warden. Drug testing can be used, but you still have to have consequences and are you willing to kick him out? I had to finally, but I don't advise it unless absolutely necessary.
you guys might want to check out the families boards they can be helpful too
baseballmom-
1) The rules you set are good ones, stick to them and if he is using he will be out ot the house soon enough. Being suspicous and accusing will only poison your relationship with him.
2) AA is not for everyone, while I am not a 12 stepper myself you should check out Narcotics Anonymous, and Al-ateen. I don't know wether there is such a thing as Nar-ateen.
3) The smell test will be less effective if he is using a bong, so I would not rely on that 100%. Also like eyesight or hearing, people have different olfactory acuities.
4) Remember that you can only control your own actions and decisions and stick with your pledge to yourself not to enable.
1) The rules you set are good ones, stick to them and if he is using he will be out ot the house soon enough. Being suspicous and accusing will only poison your relationship with him.
2) AA is not for everyone, while I am not a 12 stepper myself you should check out Narcotics Anonymous, and Al-ateen. I don't know wether there is such a thing as Nar-ateen.
3) The smell test will be less effective if he is using a bong, so I would not rely on that 100%. Also like eyesight or hearing, people have different olfactory acuities.
4) Remember that you can only control your own actions and decisions and stick with your pledge to yourself not to enable.
