I took the liberty to pull this from the other thread and paste on a new thread as I'd like you to share a bit more with me if you could...
You said:
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A few lessons I have learned on this journey and God knows, I hope I never stop learning lessons until I draw my last breath are:
1) When it comes to dealing with addiction and addicts who are swirling in that abyss of active addiction, not only am I powerless over the substances I abused, I'm powerless over substances anyone else abuses.
2) When I start wanting someone else's recovery more than they do, I'm usually in trouble because once again, my co-dependency is rearing its ugly head.
3) When people don't measure up to my expectations, it's time for me to check my yardstick.
I get Step 1 and have pretty much put into practice my powerlessness over other people and their actions & choices....and I can understand the 2nd one and do see my co-dependency surfacing at times and I also have my sponsor and friends help me to check my motives and I am learning how to let people go & give them to God...
But the 2nd one really struck something with me and I sometimes struggle with...how do I maintain the balance between helping & enabling...and yes, I do have expectations of others and I ask God every morning to help remove my shortcomings but they still pop up....but I do work on them on a daily basis and practice acceptance...
And I am reminded quite often that my expectations are directly proportionally to my spiritual condition...Hmmm...They tell me I can always find the answers in the Big book so maybe it's time to go read.....
I would love though to hear your ESH on reaching out & helping others without enabling but staying loving but detached....did that make any sense? lol
Hey Stac, Excuse me for butting in with my two cents here but I heard you loud and clear just now. I've been guilty of just that very thing a time or three, lol. What? I can't save the world? >shock< Who would have guessed it? When I go too far out on a limb then it's time to reel myself back in. I've done it f2f ( a lot) and on this board too. Typically, I know I'm doing this when helping another is no longer benefitting me in any way and causing me frustration and undue worry. I've often wanted so badly to show others that they could have what I do that I can't understand why they won't hear me and take my hand and let me help them. I have to remind myself that until I was ready, I wouldn't have listened either.
My dear heart, Stacey. There are no coincidences, as I was just posting on one other site something along this line of questions that you ask. I'm going to preface this by pulling up a post that I place here some years ago that was authored by Melody Beattie. The title of her piece is "Family Buttons". Knowing how insightful you are, I think you will relate the correlation between our immediate family members and those we come in contact with who are not bound to us by blood. I've made some comments about my own personal experiences after Ms. Beatties writing. So without further adieu, here is here message:
Family Buttons
Authored by: Melody Beattie
"I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to." Anonymous
Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members?
Who, besides family members, do we give such power?
No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
Sometimes, it get worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow, and heal.
The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. We can love our family and still refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family. We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.
Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame."
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You know, Stacey, I gained a lot from the few online communities I've posted in over the years and probably one of the greatest lessons is that when I allow people to be whomever they want to be - whether their actions or words may not be something I agree with, there is absolutely no reason why I have to own their behavior. I'm a much better person when I recognize my boundaries. And sometimes that's a lesson that is a lesson I've found not easy to learn. So many times I have had to walk away from a situation that has caused me angst or pain, until I could get to the place spiritually that I could address a problem that is proactive instead of reactive.
I still do have moments and am suspect that I will continue to have those moments when the actions of others just creep me out or get under my skin. Yet you know, Stacey, there is one question that I always ask myself when I find my applecart upturned, and that question is: How would the God of my understanding look/respond to this perceived problem? The answer is always the same.
Through the eyes of Love.
Sometimes I have to love people from afar, until I can get to the point where my response if asked, comes from a place of Love that empowers my spirit and the spirit of another to a higher spiritual plane. And in the big scheme of things, I know that I have to continue to dig deep. I've only begun to scratch the surface to the Love my spirit is capable of.
I believe Dr. Paul O. summed it rather well when he wrote those most profound words on page 449 in the Big Book under the chapter titled: "Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict" 3d, which goes like this:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
I love reading this stuff! I wanted to add...and comment on, if I may?
I was noticing in your post Stacey, that you were questioning how to love and detach at the same time...and I wanted to say...in my practice of understanding the world (trying to...practice, get it? *smile*). Anyway, I digress, the part I wanted to comment on is the use of the word detach, detachment, etc.
I think the healthier view is practicing non-attachment. There is a big difference in my opinion. Detachment is a pulling away, and it also means that we were once "attached". Practicing detachment leaves no room for committment, or personal involvement. Practicing Non-Attachment, in my opinion, leaves room for total involvement, within your limitations, but expecting no outcome....only a recognition that you (we are/one is) willing to give/share/teach/love/heal.
A detached person would walk past the bleeding victim, a non attached person would stop, try to stop the bleeding, but know first hand that they may not be able to. Does that make sense?
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but....it does inside my head! hahaha, good grief! There is an ocean between the words, and I think it bears exploring....for me anyway!
Thank you for continuing to include me in the emails....they are my morning barometer!
Thank you for taking the time to share those passages with me...
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whether their actions or words may not be something I agree with, there is absolutely no reason why I have to own their behavior. I'm a much better person when I recognize my boundaries.
when I recognize my boundaries.
Boundries and setting up healthy ones and keeping them...I think this just clicked and maybe it's time for me to look at me and see how my boundries are working right now.....I absolutely love sharing as God is so good to me by speaking through others and telling me exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it....
Thanks so much ladies for your words of wisdom... Enjoy your day! Smooches, Stacey