Hi everyone, sorry i havent posted for a few days as i have been having problems with the computer, thats is sorted now so hope everyone is doing well and staying strong. Today is thursday and thats me been on subutex 12 days now and no relapses.
Ive been getting reduced everyday with the subs and thats me down to 1.4mg so by monday that will be my last day. Ive been feeling pretty lost and my emotions are flying all over the place. Its powerful stuff heroin and its not getting off it which is the battle, its staying away from it forever. I feel ive lost someone close to me, the devil........lol........I know that, but its going to give me a chance in life and thats what i need, so im staying strong.
Hows are you all? Ive been going to the hospital everyday and i hate going because its a drug clinic in the afternoon and im seeing all walks of life up there. You sit in a dark waiting room as there is limited staff so you basically sit and wait to be taken. I have to go up myself as no one is available to take me and i get so embarrased as the staff dont give you the privacy of asking how you are when your alone they walk into the room with a urine bottle asking you for a sample and how your doing infront of everyone, and i feel so ashamed that im sitting there waiting for subutex, its so embarrasing. Yesterday when i was there there were 2 couples in which i knew it was a guy and girl who were waiting to see the CPN, i knew this cause they both got handed a bottle and she was asking how they were. I was looking out the window as i really didnt want her saying anything to me, but she shouted across the room to me "Hi yvonne, are you behaving? I felt like dying. I know im getting help but i really dont want other addicts knowing my business. There was a girl in her 30 that walked in to she was bouncing over to me, sat right beside me and starting talking a lot of S***. I just could not wait to get out of there and im going to have to go through this for another 5 days. I have never met any of these people before and probally never will but i get myself so uptight knowing they are looking at me saying she has messed her life up too. I need to try and stop getting stressed about this as its making me feel really panicky and upset.
Anyway i will just plod along as its my life im trying to better for me this time and no one else.
Take loads of care
Yvonne x
yvonne..perhaps you should remember that the other addicts are only there for the same reason as you are...just a thought
Hi paul,
I totally understand that other addicts are there for help just like me, I admire anyone who is asking or seeking help with their addiction, Its me I feel embarresed about no one else,, God im the last person in this world who would judge anyone especially addicts cause im one too and that would be the last thing i would do. Anyone who wants or needs help sould be admired not judged..so sorry if it sounded like that as it was not meant too, its me that worries about what people think of me, thats all.
Take care
Yvonne
I totally understand that other addicts are there for help just like me, I admire anyone who is asking or seeking help with their addiction, Its me I feel embarresed about no one else,, God im the last person in this world who would judge anyone especially addicts cause im one too and that would be the last thing i would do. Anyone who wants or needs help sould be admired not judged..so sorry if it sounded like that as it was not meant too, its me that worries about what people think of me, thats all.
Take care
Yvonne
Awwww, man Yvonne............I can empathize......one good thing though is it may help you when you look down the road or are tempted to pick up....another round in that joint..........another yackity nurse YELLING across the room to you..........how ya doing YVONNE.......like first off take my name out your mouth, and secondly ask me later in private.
That's tough too having that chick bouncing in........you do NOT need that.....NO. WAY............say nothing in return just in case.....my dad used to say addicts meet more informed addicts in rehab/detox/medical places.
Learn new tricks......the whole bit.
It'll be O.K. Yvonne.....you just need to get through this part....hella wit em....I guess once we become that addict nothing is sacred.
I thoguht the same exact way as you.....I was mortified being in a detox, and then lo, and behold here comes people from your neighborhood......maybe you didn't know them before, but ya sure do now......and you have to wonder who they will go home and tell, and yadda dada deee doooo.....well tough for them cause we got help.........so hang on.........your feelings are your own....if you want to be embarrassed than so be it........but as Oprah says Girl OWN IT!!!!!!!
You are doing what is right for you.....you are strong.......pee away, and hand that bottle over like it's Manascevitz wine......keep thinking this is for me....this is for me cause I have the guts to get my life back........this is for me who could have folded, and still been using.......but I am Yvonne, and tough as get out.
Maybe if you can treat yourself to a small something.....anything....maybe a CD if you have a little loot.....I never had two cents on me....I couldn't, but someone would bring me a little something.
Yvonne, you have lost someone........you lost your best friend......your consoling dear friend who wrapped their arms around you, and whoosh every worry, pain, thought vanished..........you lost the love of your life....we mourn that..............BUT BUT we'd miss the dude who punched our head in....we'd miss the guy mortified us in front of people.......yeah we'd miss these people, but THEY WERE ALL HABIT...........HABIT...................HABIT.....they can be replaced.........KEEP IT GREEN...........never lose site of how it made you sick....made you a liar, con, thief............well it did me.......don't forget how you couldn't make it 16 hours without having to worry or already were getting sick.
No dang clinic can stop you.......you are with people who understand albeit are pretty loud......LOL......here alot of drug counselors, and all are recovering addicts............so they're real loud, and actually funny....they been there.
JIM CARROLL...........BASKETBALL DIARIES......he explains it well, Yvonne that there's heroin addicts in every walk of life.....the part seperates us is some have advantage......they go on a mini rehab vacation funded by mummsie....some have never even had medical in their lives.........some are from lower middle class families, and actuall being dirt POOR here in the US you actually get treatment.........you work, and bust your tushie, but have no health benefits you are not afforded what the poorest of people are.
Bottom line is one dimly lit room is just a room......maybe bring a book or shut your eyes in there, and breathe....watch your breath.....watch you exhale out all that poison.........and inhale a new life....then hand in your urine, and maybe go to an art museum.....ART, man that always helped me.
Hang on love....hang on.........keep going.......you will not give up now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's tough too having that chick bouncing in........you do NOT need that.....NO. WAY............say nothing in return just in case.....my dad used to say addicts meet more informed addicts in rehab/detox/medical places.
Learn new tricks......the whole bit.
It'll be O.K. Yvonne.....you just need to get through this part....hella wit em....I guess once we become that addict nothing is sacred.
I thoguht the same exact way as you.....I was mortified being in a detox, and then lo, and behold here comes people from your neighborhood......maybe you didn't know them before, but ya sure do now......and you have to wonder who they will go home and tell, and yadda dada deee doooo.....well tough for them cause we got help.........so hang on.........your feelings are your own....if you want to be embarrassed than so be it........but as Oprah says Girl OWN IT!!!!!!!
You are doing what is right for you.....you are strong.......pee away, and hand that bottle over like it's Manascevitz wine......keep thinking this is for me....this is for me cause I have the guts to get my life back........this is for me who could have folded, and still been using.......but I am Yvonne, and tough as get out.
Maybe if you can treat yourself to a small something.....anything....maybe a CD if you have a little loot.....I never had two cents on me....I couldn't, but someone would bring me a little something.
Yvonne, you have lost someone........you lost your best friend......your consoling dear friend who wrapped their arms around you, and whoosh every worry, pain, thought vanished..........you lost the love of your life....we mourn that..............BUT BUT we'd miss the dude who punched our head in....we'd miss the guy mortified us in front of people.......yeah we'd miss these people, but THEY WERE ALL HABIT...........HABIT...................HABIT.....they can be replaced.........KEEP IT GREEN...........never lose site of how it made you sick....made you a liar, con, thief............well it did me.......don't forget how you couldn't make it 16 hours without having to worry or already were getting sick.
No dang clinic can stop you.......you are with people who understand albeit are pretty loud......LOL......here alot of drug counselors, and all are recovering addicts............so they're real loud, and actually funny....they been there.
JIM CARROLL...........BASKETBALL DIARIES......he explains it well, Yvonne that there's heroin addicts in every walk of life.....the part seperates us is some have advantage......they go on a mini rehab vacation funded by mummsie....some have never even had medical in their lives.........some are from lower middle class families, and actuall being dirt POOR here in the US you actually get treatment.........you work, and bust your tushie, but have no health benefits you are not afforded what the poorest of people are.
Bottom line is one dimly lit room is just a room......maybe bring a book or shut your eyes in there, and breathe....watch your breath.....watch you exhale out all that poison.........and inhale a new life....then hand in your urine, and maybe go to an art museum.....ART, man that always helped me.
Hang on love....hang on.........keep going.......you will not give up now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You will do it Yvonne, you really will. When we feel that we are the only people in the World like this we get onto this site and help each other! You have done really well, because I have been on Subbies for over 12 month. One day I am going to write a book and all your knicknames willl be in that book and I hope we all make it through to the other side. I remember once going to Paris and looking down at Jim Morrisons grave and he really gave me strength, because he was dead and that reminded me! Take care Marky Mark xxx
Hey Bry how you doing? Good I hope, you sound well, witty and on the ball. Thanks mark as well for your kind words. I really get strenght from this site as the past couple of days Ive been struggling basically with everything and anything. I feel so messed up that I dont know who I am anymore, Im a total wreck just now my head is all over the place and Im not going lie its really really hard dealing with my emotions, the guilt, the bordeom basically everything. I have 2 days left on the subs then I will have to be clean for a week then the hospital will put me on the blockers. Im still going to the hospital everyday and I told the cpn that my body feels as if its burning and my head honest to god I think its going blow off its that sore. She thinks its anxiety too and recommends I go and get some stress theropy. Sorry if i sound like a moany b**** this is the only place that i feel confident to say these things. Apart from all that...lol.....Ive not turned to heroin Im fighting it with all Ive got.
What i was saying about the hospital is that I get myself so worked up about what people are thinking of me when really I know they have bigger things to worry about than stupid me but its just me. I beat myself up about things that have not even happened yet , I guess im just a worrier..........(hope I dont sound crazy to yous) lol.
On a lighter note Im doing ok really I know its just life, my life and while I still have breath Im going to get better. I really need something to occupy myself as i could not go back too everyday the same, nothing to look forward too.
Thinking about the past 15 days I have changed........Ive had accupunture, started doing pastel drawings, baking, talking about my drug problem things I would have never done before. Ive got close with my daughter again and my mum. My mum has always been supportive its a great feeling that im not ducking and diving anymore and my daughter is one in a million. I kept her as much away from my problem as possible and i was always really aware even when i was using, where she was and what she would be thinking. She is so bright so it did not take her long to work out what had happened to me but now you can see the trust coming back....so many times i would say "I will never do this again", promised her and let her down. I would die for her but still I was the first to break her heart.
Guess we all have to deal with problems in our lifes so that is what im doing dealing with it not running away, so hopefully it will get easier I will have too learn how to deal with things without getting so stressed.
Honestly I can say that im so so ready now to deal with all this where as in the past i could not cope and the only way i could solve it was to get drugs and now there is no way im going do that again.
Keep staying strong if i can do it........then so can other addicts........
Yvonne x
What i was saying about the hospital is that I get myself so worked up about what people are thinking of me when really I know they have bigger things to worry about than stupid me but its just me. I beat myself up about things that have not even happened yet , I guess im just a worrier..........(hope I dont sound crazy to yous) lol.
On a lighter note Im doing ok really I know its just life, my life and while I still have breath Im going to get better. I really need something to occupy myself as i could not go back too everyday the same, nothing to look forward too.
Thinking about the past 15 days I have changed........Ive had accupunture, started doing pastel drawings, baking, talking about my drug problem things I would have never done before. Ive got close with my daughter again and my mum. My mum has always been supportive its a great feeling that im not ducking and diving anymore and my daughter is one in a million. I kept her as much away from my problem as possible and i was always really aware even when i was using, where she was and what she would be thinking. She is so bright so it did not take her long to work out what had happened to me but now you can see the trust coming back....so many times i would say "I will never do this again", promised her and let her down. I would die for her but still I was the first to break her heart.
Guess we all have to deal with problems in our lifes so that is what im doing dealing with it not running away, so hopefully it will get easier I will have too learn how to deal with things without getting so stressed.
Honestly I can say that im so so ready now to deal with all this where as in the past i could not cope and the only way i could solve it was to get drugs and now there is no way im going do that again.
Keep staying strong if i can do it........then so can other addicts........
Yvonne x
