I'm so sory Emily.....I'm just in this depression....I usually fight it....it's not even about the birthday....truly....I'm a weeping Pisces anyway...LOL....I'm sorry I vented, and it came out on you.
You of all people, and you doing so well....it's regrets as usual but now for myself.....all the guilt I'm always yapping about....it goes back to so many things...before I even did drugs....it took me four years of fertility operations, shots, and all to have my daughter....actually we had an adoption process when I got pregnant....I mean AMEN some poor kid would have got stuck in all of this.....my ehusband I grew up with him....and he doesn't know of anything about my addiction...well ideas of it....but not concrete....my daughter was an infant when we split up....my dad helped raise my daughter....and was he light of her life....but I mean they (parents) I mean really spoiled her.....same with my one nephew, but we lived with them....and it was laways like I got pushed aside....and I HAD to be a PERFECT MOM....I never would even let her wait in the yard when I ran three feet in to get wash to hang in the yard....my dad was a cop, and saw awful things....and I was raped/sodomized when I was eight so of course I was NUTS....I mean NUTS over her protection.....never even had a babysitter in her entire life.....EVER....I didn't get involved with anyone....so she wouldn't get all wrapped up in that stuff....kept hearing I'd have my time when she got older.....well here I am 46....where am I Emily??????
I know too from therapy....how my mom is with her....I actually the other day said you are so protective of her....but you let me go with a drunk in a car to a picnic.....with all their drunk family memebers....and I get raped....it's not her fault....BUT I heard my entire life how her girlfriends husband was a no good drunk....and both my parents tried to help her....so WHY did they let me go in a car with that man driving.....to a picnic no less when they had to know he'd be plastered...it's almost like....why wasn't I that important...ya know?
My friend just stopped by....he had called and heard me crying....he said it's my fault she's spoiled rotten....my mom fears she'll pick up and move off to another state.....well yeah she's giving up scholarships to Vassar, and a free summer thing at YALE....to go to a school where this boyfriend goes....my mom is beside herself...well I can not control her like she did me....let her learn.
My mom, and daughter were one of the main reasons I got clean...of course for ME most of all finally...but Em, I have no more self-confidence than I ever did before....people say....I wanted to be you when we were young...you were so pretty, and so nice, and popular...yeah well I was a screwed up mess inside, and it's just all coming out now.....I won't use over it.....but I am now letting that guilt go of what i did to my daughter, and mom....I really am....maybe it was meant to be like this....if I'd have seen my mom crying....which she never did.
Stoic german...I also would get a backhand for crying....we were not allowed to cry...shows weakness...but if did I would have went to her, and hugged her, and asked what was wrong.....not this little spoiled thing.....self-centered.
Sorry Emily....I didn't mean to write all that on that last post...it just spilled out, and from now on I am going to take care of me....I see these kids....as drugs are prelevant here....kids whose mothers....lock them outside....ignore them.
Send them off filthy to school, and all...these kids adore them....because they want attention....what do I get.....ignored myself.
Thanks Emily...I'm sorry.
Bryn
I am so pleased you are sitting at the pc tapping away, i got really worried there following you around the families board.
I thought as long as you were tapping away you was,nt waliking out the door for anything, stay seated ok.
I feel some of the hurt you have been through but dont feel confident enough to speak about on this board.
I am having councilling with a councillor about my -hit from when i was a child.
I have stuff going through to my teens and adult- hood.
Its all different stuff that i find a struggle with.
Sometimes the smallest thing can flare me up and at times i hurt so bad inside.
Life a Bryn why could,nt god make it a little more happier,just a little bit.
A little bit more easier and alot less painful.
I am so sorry all that crap you went through as a kid Bryn.
I feel sick now ,i dont know what to say.
I will be 43 on the 21st of this month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep in touch Bryn i am always here for you
How are you feeling now?????
Emily
I am so pleased you are sitting at the pc tapping away, i got really worried there following you around the families board.
I thought as long as you were tapping away you was,nt waliking out the door for anything, stay seated ok.
I feel some of the hurt you have been through but dont feel confident enough to speak about on this board.
I am having councilling with a councillor about my -hit from when i was a child.
I have stuff going through to my teens and adult- hood.
Its all different stuff that i find a struggle with.
Sometimes the smallest thing can flare me up and at times i hurt so bad inside.
Life a Bryn why could,nt god make it a little more happier,just a little bit.
A little bit more easier and alot less painful.
I am so sorry all that crap you went through as a kid Bryn.
I feel sick now ,i dont know what to say.
I will be 43 on the 21st of this month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep in touch Bryn i am always here for you
How are you feeling now?????
Emily
Awwwwwwwww.......Emily now I'm crying I reminded you of bad things...I'm so sorry.......lucky we don't live close by to eachother.....we'd both be crying, and crying.....BUT then laughing at us crying....LOL.....it'd be I'm sorry I told you.
Then NO NO I'm sorry.....could you see it?
Thanks Emily....oh yeah you knew I was tap/tapping...LOL...all the spelling errors and stuff....thank you...you're the best....nah I wasn't walking out...thanks though....it's been long enough where that don't come up first thing as to where before....especially with the cards with money in them my brothers, and neighbors dropped off....OH AND MAD AT MY DAUGHTER....I'd have been right in those drawers....has to be money in there somewhere....although she's so cheap now that she's working she immediately puts every single red cent in the bank....which is great, but then my mom gives her TEN DOLLARS for her fifteen minute break....HAY-LOW.....we payed for our own soda, and hamburger when we were teens and worked....nah not this kid....so oh Lord your prayer honestly helped because I'd have enough right now just from these cards to do myself in.....I don't even know where to cop anymore...that's good....not that it'd be hard to find somebody to get it....but NO WAY....I ain't using.
I am so, so sorry Emily.....I know alot of people both male/female from a place i go to counseling.....not drug counseling....had messed up rosters as kids...some once, and some twice, some always....all of us substance abusers.
Go figure....but we're here, and strong, and we will persevere....and you, lady are cherished as you helped me tonight....not to stop using...but maybe worse.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart....I'll just take two MORE Excedrin...put ice on the back of the pounding head....and think of you, and your strength.
That's what I'm gonna do....and may I do the same for you.
My grammy says this saying.......THANKS DEAR UNTIL YOU'RE BETTER PAID
I always wondered what it meant...my mom says it sometimes too....it means you did a good turn for someone...they can't make it up to you right then, but when you need help you will be better paid....crazy German people my family.
Then NO NO I'm sorry.....could you see it?
Thanks Emily....oh yeah you knew I was tap/tapping...LOL...all the spelling errors and stuff....thank you...you're the best....nah I wasn't walking out...thanks though....it's been long enough where that don't come up first thing as to where before....especially with the cards with money in them my brothers, and neighbors dropped off....OH AND MAD AT MY DAUGHTER....I'd have been right in those drawers....has to be money in there somewhere....although she's so cheap now that she's working she immediately puts every single red cent in the bank....which is great, but then my mom gives her TEN DOLLARS for her fifteen minute break....HAY-LOW.....we payed for our own soda, and hamburger when we were teens and worked....nah not this kid....so oh Lord your prayer honestly helped because I'd have enough right now just from these cards to do myself in.....I don't even know where to cop anymore...that's good....not that it'd be hard to find somebody to get it....but NO WAY....I ain't using.
I am so, so sorry Emily.....I know alot of people both male/female from a place i go to counseling.....not drug counseling....had messed up rosters as kids...some once, and some twice, some always....all of us substance abusers.
Go figure....but we're here, and strong, and we will persevere....and you, lady are cherished as you helped me tonight....not to stop using...but maybe worse.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart....I'll just take two MORE Excedrin...put ice on the back of the pounding head....and think of you, and your strength.
That's what I'm gonna do....and may I do the same for you.
My grammy says this saying.......THANKS DEAR UNTIL YOU'RE BETTER PAID
I always wondered what it meant...my mom says it sometimes too....it means you did a good turn for someone...they can't make it up to you right then, but when you need help you will be better paid....crazy German people my family.
Bryn
You are a safe person i think it would be lethal if we lived near one another,HAHAHA.
Your alright Bryn i enjoyed pulling your leg back to the pc haha.
I feel much better now you are ok.
I feel wrecked after all that girl. Its now midnight and i am off to bed.
I think i will have a camamile(spelling) tea before i hit the sack.
Bryn please stay safe tonight
Thinking of you
Emily
You are a safe person i think it would be lethal if we lived near one another,HAHAHA.
Your alright Bryn i enjoyed pulling your leg back to the pc haha.
I feel much better now you are ok.
I feel wrecked after all that girl. Its now midnight and i am off to bed.
I think i will have a camamile(spelling) tea before i hit the sack.
Bryn please stay safe tonight
Thinking of you
Emily
