Yes, I am an emotional retard. I think I have the emotional maturity of a child. Whoopee do!! Lucky me!! I am fed up at the moment of this ridiculous head of mine - it is insane. I know you can all relate, I am just here having a vent because I need to!!
I was bought up to be nice and polite and negative feelings were not allowed in our nice bloody polite house. Hence I have masses and masses of bottled up negativity that never had an outlet, and that has made me a very angry adult - oh no - child. I am so immature it does my head in. All this crap about my upbringing is drowning me at the moment, I have felt like I am going insane. I am so angry that I was bought up in a completely unbalanced way with a very strict and controlling mother. I am going through hate for her at the moment. I have been so suppressed. It has damaged me so much. I have a huge guilt complex for the fact that I have any negativity at all, I have tried to be perfect for so damned long, always happy, always smiling, always ok because it isn't ok to not be ok. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.
This is doing my head in. I am completely irrational. Useless at friendships / relationships and god damned frustrated at life at the moment. I have seen a bloke twice - and my stupid immature mind is obsessing over him and doing ridiculous things that just a pile of crap basically. Totally unhealthy and very immature, and not quite how I wish to be, but maybe why I have been so isolated for so long because I just don't know how to relate to people. I'm bloody crap at it. I don't know how to do it without being tanked up to the maximum or completely off my head. Oh fantastic. AAAARRRGGGHHHHHH.
I have got to the point where I want to have some friends. Realistically I am not ready for a boyfriend but god dammit I like this bloke so it has put a spanner in the works - why can't he be someone who I could just see as a mate!! Typical that the universe throws someone my way who I am attracted to. Oh dammit!!!
Phew, I think I feel a little bit better now. For the moment at least. This whole issue of my unbringing is really rocking my world at the moment, I am just so angry. Hey, I sure do not want a drink though so I must be doing something right!!
Vent over. Might need to do it again though! This is just all so huge and I think it has to be the core reason I got so f***** up. If it is then it is cause for celebration, I have spent the last seven and a half years trying to sort my life out. It has been one hell of a journey.
Hey Lacey, what you wrote bears an eerie resemblance to my life. My parents were fanatical christian fundamentalists, they believed that every one outside their little group had been deceived by the devil and were going staight to hell. They pumped this attitude into us children and then sent us off to school; not surprisingly we didn't have any friends and didn't develop normal social skills. There were no other children in the town we lived in that was brought up in this cult. Furthermore we always had to look like every thing was OK all the time, after all, god had blessed us (and only us) with his peace and joy, how could we not be better off than those "worldly people"
Yes the lack of social skills or being an "emotional retard" hasn't been much fun. I must admit that I'm rather disgusted with a relgion that will do that to innocent children. (notice I didn't use a capitol g for god) Oh well, I can't change the past. Slowly I'm growing, but I suppose that in , my part past will always be a part of what kind of person I am. I'm learning to accept that.
I just realized that the previous two sentences are the serenity prayer...
Lord give me the strength to grow as much as I can.
Grant me the grace to accept the part of me that comes from my past that I can't change,
May I have the wisdom to know the difference...
hang in there Lacey, maturity is a process, not a destination.... Cookster
Yes the lack of social skills or being an "emotional retard" hasn't been much fun. I must admit that I'm rather disgusted with a relgion that will do that to innocent children. (notice I didn't use a capitol g for god) Oh well, I can't change the past. Slowly I'm growing, but I suppose that in , my part past will always be a part of what kind of person I am. I'm learning to accept that.
I just realized that the previous two sentences are the serenity prayer...
Lord give me the strength to grow as much as I can.
Grant me the grace to accept the part of me that comes from my past that I can't change,
May I have the wisdom to know the difference...
hang in there Lacey, maturity is a process, not a destination.... Cookster
It's shocking what religion can do. I was bought up catholic and at school we were taught that if we did wrong then we would go to hell for eternity. In hell everyone is sat around a large table that is covered in food. Each person has a really long spoon and they are trying to eat the food with these spoons but they can't because the spoons are too long to get the food to their mouths. They are all too selfish to consider feeding each other.
What kind of a thing is that to teach children. Naturally we were all scar
What kind of a thing is that to teach children. Naturally we were all scar
Yes it's rather amazing what people can do even to their own children in the name of religion. You seem to be identifying aspects of your self that need developing; thats a huge step towards making progress. I don't blame you for being angry. Human beings are by nature social creatures and when our ability to be social is impaired its really a huge handicap. What makes it worse is that other people can't see why we are like that. If we lost our sight our a limb as a child people could see and understand, but losing our sense of self is an invisible handicap.
On the bright side I guess we can regenerate our sense of self, but it does take time and the journey can be tedious and painful
I hope that some day you can come to the point where you can forgive your mother for what she did. I'm not saying that what she did was right or acceptable. But with forgiveness comes peace. I know I found a lot of peace when I let go of my anger towards my mother; she is really a rather tormented and pitiful person. I feel sorry for her now, I can even talk to her now.
Any way good luck on your jouney, take it
one day at a time......... Cookster
On the bright side I guess we can regenerate our sense of self, but it does take time and the journey can be tedious and painful
I hope that some day you can come to the point where you can forgive your mother for what she did. I'm not saying that what she did was right or acceptable. But with forgiveness comes peace. I know I found a lot of peace when I let go of my anger towards my mother; she is really a rather tormented and pitiful person. I feel sorry for her now, I can even talk to her now.
Any way good luck on your jouney, take it
one day at a time......... Cookster
Thanks Cookster, that was a really comforting post. Much appreciated.
I was surprised to notice that I had posted my last post mid way through a sentence!! Shows where my head is at the moment - not with it!!
I was surprised to notice that I had posted my last post mid way through a sentence!! Shows where my head is at the moment - not with it!!
Hi Lacey & Cookster...
When I first became clean & sober, I was told that most people stop maturing when they begin using/abusing alcohol/drugs so that meant, when I got sober, I had the maturity level of a 12year old and boy, I have found that out to be the truth in many instances....but it's okay as I'm learning now and asking for help and day by day, instance by instance, and I'm gaining maturity in life...it's progress, not perfection and each day I pray for help to do the right thing...
Cookster...
Boy, can I relate to that...My mother sounds a lot like yours and I have let most of my resentments, anger, hurt go and have found forgiveness...we still do not speak but that's okay too...I have forgiven her and by doing so, I have forgiven myself too...
Love ya guys,
xoxo
Stacey
When I first became clean & sober, I was told that most people stop maturing when they begin using/abusing alcohol/drugs so that meant, when I got sober, I had the maturity level of a 12year old and boy, I have found that out to be the truth in many instances....but it's okay as I'm learning now and asking for help and day by day, instance by instance, and I'm gaining maturity in life...it's progress, not perfection and each day I pray for help to do the right thing...
Cookster...
| QUOTE |
| I hope that some day you can come to the point where you can forgive your mother for what she did. I'm not saying that what she did was right or acceptable. But with forgiveness comes peace. I know I found a lot of peace when I let go of my anger towards my mother; she is really a rather tormented and pitiful person. |
Boy, can I relate to that...My mother sounds a lot like yours and I have let most of my resentments, anger, hurt go and have found forgiveness...we still do not speak but that's okay too...I have forgiven her and by doing so, I have forgiven myself too...
Love ya guys,
xoxo
Stacey
Hi Lacey... what you wrote in your first post is like reading about myself and my own family. I got into such a mess though that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I can't handle any types of personal relationships... I don't know how... I had to make out I was happy all the time and everything was fine when in reality I was in such a mess inside I ended up trying to kill myself... more than once over about 3/4 years. I hear all your pain and I understand where you're coming from.
I hope you can work through it...
Hugs
Izzy X
I can't handle any types of personal relationships... I don't know how... I had to make out I was happy all the time and everything was fine when in reality I was in such a mess inside I ended up trying to kill myself... more than once over about 3/4 years. I hear all your pain and I understand where you're coming from.
I hope you can work through it...
Hugs
Izzy X
Everyone is a emotional retard. It will help you to find your family tree. Others do not tell me . The Church its black & white.
It's not true as you have alredy discovered. Thank God! As He is Grey.
Yes God is REAL after all & black& white make grey. And guess what God made those too.
You are young Lacey as far as, I know you aren't a parent you don't have those responsibilities. Good for you/keep going!
Don't have kids knowing you our just undescplined selfish to take on a HUGE HUGE LIFE TIME RESPONSIBILITY.
Nobody's sayimg your selfish. You people might think about theh huge responsibility of raising a family. Perhaps a good PARTNER WOULD MAKE THE DIFFERENCE? PEOPLE QUIT HAVING BABIES they don't grow up to be cowboys.
Our we going to see again Woman take over ? If it were not for She None of U a** would even be here.
America has so many space/weapons. I wonder if they think I feel safe?
I live in he cascadeia range/subduction. The ring of fire Pacific Coast
It's not true as you have alredy discovered. Thank God! As He is Grey.
Yes God is REAL after all & black& white make grey. And guess what God made those too.
You are young Lacey as far as, I know you aren't a parent you don't have those responsibilities. Good for you/keep going!
Don't have kids knowing you our just undescplined selfish to take on a HUGE HUGE LIFE TIME RESPONSIBILITY.
Nobody's sayimg your selfish. You people might think about theh huge responsibility of raising a family. Perhaps a good PARTNER WOULD MAKE THE DIFFERENCE? PEOPLE QUIT HAVING BABIES they don't grow up to be cowboys.
Our we going to see again Woman take over ? If it were not for She None of U a** would even be here.
America has so many space/weapons. I wonder if they think I feel safe?
I live in he cascadeia range/subduction. The ring of fire Pacific Coast
