Good gracious.......where the heck is everyone?
This is the slowest I've ever seen the heroin section of the board.
Is this a good thing? I sure hope so. Is it a bad thing? Best not be.
Diff, Davey, GYAC, Shirley, Herogirl, Ms. Tres, Jack, Robbie, now mind you I know I forgot names, but where are my brothers, and sisters in all things recovery? A big YO YO also to Emilyjab our chohort, and comrade.
Where'd errrrrybody go?
Hi Bryn, well for me "not" posting uaually means all is alright. It seems i lean on this board and post a lot when things get a lil crazy. So i'll take the board being slow as a good sign everyone is okay. How are you doing?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.....B!
It's all good in the neiborhood!
It's all good in the neiborhood!
Well bryn my britches dem sons of bitc***....all have been called.... but nary a MARY....
tain't i in the top ten too?....guess lowly number eleven will have to do..
well here i iz...and as far as my biz...
twixt me and you...it all is poo!
luv ya MARY
tain't i in the top ten too?....guess lowly number eleven will have to do..
well here i iz...and as far as my biz...
twixt me and you...it all is poo!
luv ya MARY
present & accounted for !!
Guess I dont have much to say---for once.
love
jack
Guess I dont have much to say---for once.
love
jack
Alright as well hiding in the far corner ..still with this muthaf***er of a flu..oh poor me.Hope alls good with yerself Brynhellda.......take care...Davey
Davey,
Get Well Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!
Get Well Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!
What? What? I detect THE HEROIN BOARD BLUES. I wrote a little son about it. Want to hear it? Hear it goes. Who used to say that on SNL?
O.K. HERO-girl now I know you're cool if you ain't here. Hope your baby bro is doing all right, and your mom. As good as can be expected.
GYAC, a good Mr. Rodgers you'd make. Since he passed we need a new one of him and his pholosophy. Pittsburgh here we come.
Mary McShamarey, you ain't contrary. Lady, I was only listing recovering heroin addicts. Then again I should have listed every poor soul ever dealt with us.
Honey, you rhyme all the time. Haaaaaaa. Love it.
(GASP) Jack has nada to say. That strong silent type is alluring, Jack. I think you kind of get down in the winter Jack. Yeah, just what ya need!!! ME telling YOU what is up with YOU!!!!!!! That works.
Ohhhhhhh, Davey! Man that's nuts. You've had that hanging on. I'm sorry.
Please feel better. Sounds like a super-sonic, high end, yuckadiddleydoo of a flu. Hate that stuff. Hope our baby girl is alright. Dear Sian, that doll. Hope you don't pass that flu to the hampster.
Ummmmmmmm, Davey is the hampster still with us????????? HAHA.
Peace out you all, and thanks for checking in. I will worry less.
O.K. HERO-girl now I know you're cool if you ain't here. Hope your baby bro is doing all right, and your mom. As good as can be expected.
GYAC, a good Mr. Rodgers you'd make. Since he passed we need a new one of him and his pholosophy. Pittsburgh here we come.
Mary McShamarey, you ain't contrary. Lady, I was only listing recovering heroin addicts. Then again I should have listed every poor soul ever dealt with us.
Honey, you rhyme all the time. Haaaaaaa. Love it.
(GASP) Jack has nada to say. That strong silent type is alluring, Jack. I think you kind of get down in the winter Jack. Yeah, just what ya need!!! ME telling YOU what is up with YOU!!!!!!! That works.
Ohhhhhhh, Davey! Man that's nuts. You've had that hanging on. I'm sorry.
Please feel better. Sounds like a super-sonic, high end, yuckadiddleydoo of a flu. Hate that stuff. Hope our baby girl is alright. Dear Sian, that doll. Hope you don't pass that flu to the hampster.
Ummmmmmmm, Davey is the hampster still with us????????? HAHA.
Peace out you all, and thanks for checking in. I will worry less.
..Bryn..
..My far away friend ;-)..im still in the land of the living..still plodding on wit me recovery..i aint looked in ere for a while now..to be honest..i dont have much to say lately (hope ya dont view that as being selfish)..but nuffin really has been going on at all..just the day to day stuff that we do to get by in life..hope all is well with you over your sides..maybe i'll drop in a bit more..until i hear from ya next time..you take good care..thxs for the shout out ;-)..talk soon..Robbie..
..My far away friend ;-)..im still in the land of the living..still plodding on wit me recovery..i aint looked in ere for a while now..to be honest..i dont have much to say lately (hope ya dont view that as being selfish)..but nuffin really has been going on at all..just the day to day stuff that we do to get by in life..hope all is well with you over your sides..maybe i'll drop in a bit more..until i hear from ya next time..you take good care..thxs for the shout out ;-)..talk soon..Robbie..
Hi Bryn, I'm still lurking in the background. My heads all f***ed up, and I guess I stay quiet coz I don't want folks to know what a state I'm in. One thing about being pregnant is that it keeps me on the straight and narrow. Oh boy, I'd love to feel the sweet nothingness of heroin now, I really would. It would be so blissful not to feel right now, coz I hurt all over. I've got that twisted painful spike that's torturing me, and I can't make it stop. I tell myself the things I know to be true, like the only way out is through. Pain is a blessing, because it's the fast track to understanding. But when you're in the middle of something, and that something hurts so bad it makes you not want to live, you just want it to stop. And having eaten from the tree of knowledge, I know how to make it disappear, I know the chemical formula that kills 99% of all known pain dead in it's tracks, and it's bittersweet to resolutely set it aside. I'd never do heroin whilst I've got this precious little life inside me. I wouldn't do it to her, coz I'm better than that, I'm stronger than that. But sometimes being so f***ing strong is a monumental pain in the arse. I look after myself coz I have to look after her. I eat, because she needs my nutrition, I keep going because without me she's lost. But what I WANT to do is to f*** it all off, and go all numb and steely inside, coz I don't want to feel any more.
And my mind turns and burns, and can't let it go. I'm being lied to Bryn. Lied to, straight to my face. Taken for a f***ing fool. After everything I've done for that man, after all he put me through, after all I sacrificed for him. He swore, he swore on our childs LIFE, that he hadn't f***ed around on me. But I know different. I asked him straight out, I gave him every opportunity to be honest with me, I made it easy. And he lied straight to my face. That f***ing piece of s***! And he makes out that I'm the crazy one, that it's all in my head, that I'm jealous and controlling, and paranoid. And it's oh-so-convenient that I'm being treated for paranoid psychosis. But I'm a long way from stupid, a long way from gullible. And I am not crazy!
He tells me he hasn't spoken to her since new year, but her name pops up on his dialled and received calls nearly every day. And then conveniently disappear when he gets round to deleting them. Am I imagining that? And it wasn't me who told her husband that she'd been cheating on him with my man. It wasn't me who filed divorce proceedings against her because of her adultary. And I'm supposed to believe it's all in my head. I'm not imagining all those texts on his phone from her. And if they're "just good friends" why does he feel the need to hide the fact that she comes here, to what he tells me is MY home (until I finally move out), whilst I'm at my antenatal appointments? And who the hell takes 4 hours to walk an arthritic rottweiler once round the park? And it's such a mystery why his phone turns itself off (no signal apparantly) when he walks to the pub (right past her house, amazingly enough) but he manages to ring me for a lift home, when he's finished f***ing her and scurries round the corner for a quick pint. And strange how when I call the pub to ask to speak to him, and he's not f***ing there... And also strange when he comes home with more or less the same money he went out with when he's been in the pub for 6 hours. They're a generous lot at that pub, aren't they, giving away free beer all day... But hey, it's all in my head, and I'm being jealous and unreasonable. He tells me that I have to stop being suspicious coz that will "annoy" him, and then he'll end up cheating on me coz I'm such a pain in the arse. Why do I get the feeling I'm being set up here, that the scene is already being set for my replacement? I turned down that b****** house I was offered coz he made such a song and dance about how he'd never get to see me and our daughter, coz it was so far away. And now I have to sit back and watch everything I gave him being thrown back in my face. He was seeing her before we got involved, but she was supposedly happily married then (Ha!), but now she's getting divorced, so it's all back on again now. I was just the stupid fool who was the stop-gap, who gave away my entire life to be there for him, even when he beat me, who came back to him even after he threw me out, pregnant, with my poor old dog, in the pouring rain, without even shoes on my feet.
This surely was my worst mistake
To serve my heart up on a plate
To know within it's all too late
There's no way out - this is my fate
I was a fool to have hope. I was a fool to have trust. I was a fool to believe him. And I'm paying for that now. He out right now. Refused my offer of a lift. And I'm supposed to just wait here for him to come home, and be dutiful, to have food ready, the clean the house and do the washing. Whilst he's f***ing her. And it's all in my head. What did I do to deserve this life? Why does it always go wrong? Why do I have to suffer like this? I thought I'd paid enough for my past mistakes.
love
Diff x
And my mind turns and burns, and can't let it go. I'm being lied to Bryn. Lied to, straight to my face. Taken for a f***ing fool. After everything I've done for that man, after all he put me through, after all I sacrificed for him. He swore, he swore on our childs LIFE, that he hadn't f***ed around on me. But I know different. I asked him straight out, I gave him every opportunity to be honest with me, I made it easy. And he lied straight to my face. That f***ing piece of s***! And he makes out that I'm the crazy one, that it's all in my head, that I'm jealous and controlling, and paranoid. And it's oh-so-convenient that I'm being treated for paranoid psychosis. But I'm a long way from stupid, a long way from gullible. And I am not crazy!
He tells me he hasn't spoken to her since new year, but her name pops up on his dialled and received calls nearly every day. And then conveniently disappear when he gets round to deleting them. Am I imagining that? And it wasn't me who told her husband that she'd been cheating on him with my man. It wasn't me who filed divorce proceedings against her because of her adultary. And I'm supposed to believe it's all in my head. I'm not imagining all those texts on his phone from her. And if they're "just good friends" why does he feel the need to hide the fact that she comes here, to what he tells me is MY home (until I finally move out), whilst I'm at my antenatal appointments? And who the hell takes 4 hours to walk an arthritic rottweiler once round the park? And it's such a mystery why his phone turns itself off (no signal apparantly) when he walks to the pub (right past her house, amazingly enough) but he manages to ring me for a lift home, when he's finished f***ing her and scurries round the corner for a quick pint. And strange how when I call the pub to ask to speak to him, and he's not f***ing there... And also strange when he comes home with more or less the same money he went out with when he's been in the pub for 6 hours. They're a generous lot at that pub, aren't they, giving away free beer all day... But hey, it's all in my head, and I'm being jealous and unreasonable. He tells me that I have to stop being suspicious coz that will "annoy" him, and then he'll end up cheating on me coz I'm such a pain in the arse. Why do I get the feeling I'm being set up here, that the scene is already being set for my replacement? I turned down that b****** house I was offered coz he made such a song and dance about how he'd never get to see me and our daughter, coz it was so far away. And now I have to sit back and watch everything I gave him being thrown back in my face. He was seeing her before we got involved, but she was supposedly happily married then (Ha!), but now she's getting divorced, so it's all back on again now. I was just the stupid fool who was the stop-gap, who gave away my entire life to be there for him, even when he beat me, who came back to him even after he threw me out, pregnant, with my poor old dog, in the pouring rain, without even shoes on my feet.
This surely was my worst mistake
To serve my heart up on a plate
To know within it's all too late
There's no way out - this is my fate
I was a fool to have hope. I was a fool to have trust. I was a fool to believe him. And I'm paying for that now. He out right now. Refused my offer of a lift. And I'm supposed to just wait here for him to come home, and be dutiful, to have food ready, the clean the house and do the washing. Whilst he's f***ing her. And it's all in my head. What did I do to deserve this life? Why does it always go wrong? Why do I have to suffer like this? I thought I'd paid enough for my past mistakes.
love
Diff x
hey.....laying low because i seemed to have rubbed a few the wrong way. all is ok.....i will say just ok. and that's that.
Dear Diff,
It is very obvious that you have a great, strong head on your shoulders. You were strong enough to fight the biggest battle of your life. Heroin. You conquered the BEAST. Just that feat alone should make you feel like the most incredible person. You are WOMAN! You have the most wonderful thing happening to your body right now. ( i loved being pregnant ) You are actually assisting God in the most precious of miracles. You are creating life!!
Your hormones are surging through your body and brain and your not thinking clearly. Don't you dare let that b****** bring you down and ruin all that you have accomplished! Don't use his scumbag infidelity as an excuse to get high. You will get high because you CHOOSE to. Don't do it. That baby needs her Mommy. I have been a single Mom struggling for alot of years and it has NOT been easy. But thank God I am drug free or my kids would have been taken from me. You can do this. Do you really need him? If he does not have the brains enough to see that you are carrying his child, and the beauty that comes with being a parent now, he never will. Diff, I pray and I hope that you will not move backwards. Whenever we have problems we all want to just dissappear and make ourselves numb to the pain. But when the BEAST drug wears off, the problems are STILL there. Be strong. You can do it. Once you see that beautiful little person in your arms, you will realize what life and living are all about. She needs her Mommy. And her Mommy needs to stay focused and off that s***. You will have enough to keep you busy when the baby comes. Kick that cheating Mother f***er to the curb, make him pay child support and move on. You can always come and stay with me and my kids!!!!!!!
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP BEAUTIFUL, YOU NEED TO BE STRONG FOR DELIVERY.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Danielle
Dear Diff,
It is very obvious that you have a great, strong head on your shoulders. You were strong enough to fight the biggest battle of your life. Heroin. You conquered the BEAST. Just that feat alone should make you feel like the most incredible person. You are WOMAN! You have the most wonderful thing happening to your body right now. ( i loved being pregnant ) You are actually assisting God in the most precious of miracles. You are creating life!!
Your hormones are surging through your body and brain and your not thinking clearly. Don't you dare let that b****** bring you down and ruin all that you have accomplished! Don't use his scumbag infidelity as an excuse to get high. You will get high because you CHOOSE to. Don't do it. That baby needs her Mommy. I have been a single Mom struggling for alot of years and it has NOT been easy. But thank God I am drug free or my kids would have been taken from me. You can do this. Do you really need him? If he does not have the brains enough to see that you are carrying his child, and the beauty that comes with being a parent now, he never will. Diff, I pray and I hope that you will not move backwards. Whenever we have problems we all want to just dissappear and make ourselves numb to the pain. But when the BEAST drug wears off, the problems are STILL there. Be strong. You can do it. Once you see that beautiful little person in your arms, you will realize what life and living are all about. She needs her Mommy. And her Mommy needs to stay focused and off that s***. You will have enough to keep you busy when the baby comes. Kick that cheating Mother f***er to the curb, make him pay child support and move on. You can always come and stay with me and my kids!!!!!!!
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP BEAUTIFUL, YOU NEED TO BE STRONG FOR DELIVERY.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Danielle
Hello Diff,
Please do not call yourself a fool.
You trusted a man and loved a man and overcame heroin addiction.
This makes you a trusting, loving, capable human being. (Which the world could use more of.)
He is truly the fool to not know the gift of you and your precious child.
love and light,
Diana
Please do not call yourself a fool.
You trusted a man and loved a man and overcame heroin addiction.
This makes you a trusting, loving, capable human being. (Which the world could use more of.)
He is truly the fool to not know the gift of you and your precious child.
love and light,
Diana
Oh Diff, what can we say to make it all go away? I am going to put it simply, that man is a complete b******, you are far to good for him. I wish your knew house would hurry up and be ready so that you can get the hell out of there.
You deserve so much more than he will ever be able to give you.
Please keep in touch.
Karen
You deserve so much more than he will ever be able to give you.
Please keep in touch.
Karen
Diff, I am so sorry you r going through this s***, should be a happy peaceful time, preparing for your new arrival.........I so wish you never gave up on the flat they were readying for ya ? is there any way you cuold do anything to make it a go again ?.i know there's lots of work to be done, but at least you could be looking forward to some sort of escape......AND not one wiht drugs....from your posts though, I can tel ya got a good smart, clear head on your shoulders and know where that road wil take ya............and f*** that dickhead.......you have your baby and I know you wil be a great mom.........
Shame yu r not closer.......I would take ya in here until ya got settled.......or bryn and i could come ready up your place for ya........
I just wish there was something, anything I could do do ease your pain.........all i can do is pray and even though i know we dont share the same beliefs, prayer is what I know best.........
please try and take care of yourself....and I want to say please dont rile him up too much cos i get afraid he will go off and harm you or the baby
tres
Shame yu r not closer.......I would take ya in here until ya got settled.......or bryn and i could come ready up your place for ya........
I just wish there was something, anything I could do do ease your pain.........all i can do is pray and even though i know we dont share the same beliefs, prayer is what I know best.........
please try and take care of yourself....and I want to say please dont rile him up too much cos i get afraid he will go off and harm you or the baby
tres
Dear Diff,
I'm so sorry for what he is putting you through. Bless your heart!
My daughter when through HELL with her xbf (who fathered her child). He asked her to marry him and gave her a diamond. He told her he had to go away to GA for training to get ready to go over to Iraq. He used all that to convince her to have sex with him before he left her. He put her through 2 weeks of watching all the news to see if she got a glimpse of him still alive. He told us he was on the Special Forces and was going on a dangerous mission. Just before he was to be sent over, we traveled down to GA for her to get a chance to see him before he left.
Now I'll tell you what was the truth. The diamond chipped....it was fake. He went to GA for training to go to Kosovo. He isn't on Special Forces. He never went to Iraq and his behavior was so bad at training (breaking all the rules and temper flares) that they never sent him to Kosovo either. He was AWOL the weekend he left to spend with us. We also found out that he was meeting girls from online at the mall and tried to force himself on one of the girls. She succeeded at pushing him out of the car and he pounded and dented the hood and tried to force her off the road when he caught up with her. He was propositioning girls/women online (VERY inappropriate language!) and visiting TONS of porn sights. He said he was going to a car show and staying overnight at a friend's, he went to the beach. He brought a gun into our home and threatened to take his own life (but I was scared to death he would kill my pregnant daughter first. He broke my daughter's heart just as he is breaking yours. She made it through it all for her daughter, and she has been a wonderful mom. She did it all without a drink and without any drugs. It's so hard to understand why we feel bad/sad when dirtbags like these two do things like this because we are much better off without guys like them. I think it's a matter of pride...a matter of being made a fool of...because heaven knows in our minds we know we wouldn't really want them after how they've acted.
Diff, I know it hurts but if my daughter could make it through all of this SO CAN YOU! Even after your precious daughter is born...when you are no longer nourishing her with your body...she will need you to be clear headed to take care of her. She will be totally dependent on you and she will give you back even more precious gifts than you can realize at this time. She will give you UNCONDITIONAL love. She will love you like you have NEVER been loved before! It is AMAZING! You don't NEED that scumbag and you, in time, will come to realize you don't WANT him either.
I pray that you will soon find the wonderful man that you deserve.
Love,
Susan
I'm so sorry for what he is putting you through. Bless your heart!
My daughter when through HELL with her xbf (who fathered her child). He asked her to marry him and gave her a diamond. He told her he had to go away to GA for training to get ready to go over to Iraq. He used all that to convince her to have sex with him before he left her. He put her through 2 weeks of watching all the news to see if she got a glimpse of him still alive. He told us he was on the Special Forces and was going on a dangerous mission. Just before he was to be sent over, we traveled down to GA for her to get a chance to see him before he left.
Now I'll tell you what was the truth. The diamond chipped....it was fake. He went to GA for training to go to Kosovo. He isn't on Special Forces. He never went to Iraq and his behavior was so bad at training (breaking all the rules and temper flares) that they never sent him to Kosovo either. He was AWOL the weekend he left to spend with us. We also found out that he was meeting girls from online at the mall and tried to force himself on one of the girls. She succeeded at pushing him out of the car and he pounded and dented the hood and tried to force her off the road when he caught up with her. He was propositioning girls/women online (VERY inappropriate language!) and visiting TONS of porn sights. He said he was going to a car show and staying overnight at a friend's, he went to the beach. He brought a gun into our home and threatened to take his own life (but I was scared to death he would kill my pregnant daughter first. He broke my daughter's heart just as he is breaking yours. She made it through it all for her daughter, and she has been a wonderful mom. She did it all without a drink and without any drugs. It's so hard to understand why we feel bad/sad when dirtbags like these two do things like this because we are much better off without guys like them. I think it's a matter of pride...a matter of being made a fool of...because heaven knows in our minds we know we wouldn't really want them after how they've acted.
Diff, I know it hurts but if my daughter could make it through all of this SO CAN YOU! Even after your precious daughter is born...when you are no longer nourishing her with your body...she will need you to be clear headed to take care of her. She will be totally dependent on you and she will give you back even more precious gifts than you can realize at this time. She will give you UNCONDITIONAL love. She will love you like you have NEVER been loved before! It is AMAZING! You don't NEED that scumbag and you, in time, will come to realize you don't WANT him either.
I pray that you will soon find the wonderful man that you deserve.
Love,
Susan
Diff lady
Strong you is, stronger than this piece of shXXe.
You've beaten the brown girl that is big big strength, this is just emotional crap small time. You knew he wasn't worthy of you, he battered you, you knew he had an inadequate personality, not worthy to be your daughters daddy. This hurts but no big surprise so please don't grieve better now than later. Good luck to his new woman she'll need it.
Get the piece of rubbish out of your life for good, move on with your beautiful little girl take it slow and it will be fantastic.
I've said this before you were vulnerable coming of the H you've clung to him like many on the friends and families board cling to their's, swopped dependency on smack for dependency on him only he's a piece of rubbish.
You don't need him and you don't need the BROWN cuz you have someone else who needs you.
Think of him as a stepping stone a stop gap that helped you for a while. When you and your baby are alone it'll be okay it won't be easy I was a single mum for ages but it'll be okay
Take care
Remember lots of good of men everywhere why worry about one bad one.
LOL
Karen
x,
Strong you is, stronger than this piece of shXXe.
You've beaten the brown girl that is big big strength, this is just emotional crap small time. You knew he wasn't worthy of you, he battered you, you knew he had an inadequate personality, not worthy to be your daughters daddy. This hurts but no big surprise so please don't grieve better now than later. Good luck to his new woman she'll need it.
Get the piece of rubbish out of your life for good, move on with your beautiful little girl take it slow and it will be fantastic.
I've said this before you were vulnerable coming of the H you've clung to him like many on the friends and families board cling to their's, swopped dependency on smack for dependency on him only he's a piece of rubbish.
You don't need him and you don't need the BROWN cuz you have someone else who needs you.
Think of him as a stepping stone a stop gap that helped you for a while. When you and your baby are alone it'll be okay it won't be easy I was a single mum for ages but it'll be okay
Take care
Remember lots of good of men everywhere why worry about one bad one.
LOL
Karen
x,
Diff, you are worth so so much more than this, in your heart of hearts you know this. You don't have to pay for any past mistakes, above all to him.
I didn't realise that you had given up your flat, thats a big shame but dont dwell on that what's done is done, you can't go back and change time. You organised it once before so you can organise another flat, so you can get out and start building your new life with your little girl.
The pain of being lied to i am sure a lot of people can associate with and understand, many of the actions you descirbed...checking the phone, calling after him etc are very simliar to the actions of someone close to an addicted person. For me the pain of being lied to my face is one of the hardest things to deal with my BF. This pain.... this work of checking up on him is exhausting......you have to stay focused on you.....you need all the strength you can get to look after you and your little girl.
Stay strong Diff, and don't hide away....look at all the people here who care for you, many people i think have followed your story and even if we don't usually post to you (like myself) I am sure they have taken a lot from what you had said, have seen how your words have helped others and have appreciated your posts.
You are a special person whose posts have helped many......now it's your turn.
I didn't realise that you had given up your flat, thats a big shame but dont dwell on that what's done is done, you can't go back and change time. You organised it once before so you can organise another flat, so you can get out and start building your new life with your little girl.
The pain of being lied to i am sure a lot of people can associate with and understand, many of the actions you descirbed...checking the phone, calling after him etc are very simliar to the actions of someone close to an addicted person. For me the pain of being lied to my face is one of the hardest things to deal with my BF. This pain.... this work of checking up on him is exhausting......you have to stay focused on you.....you need all the strength you can get to look after you and your little girl.
Stay strong Diff, and don't hide away....look at all the people here who care for you, many people i think have followed your story and even if we don't usually post to you (like myself) I am sure they have taken a lot from what you had said, have seen how your words have helped others and have appreciated your posts.
You are a special person whose posts have helped many......now it's your turn.
Hi all, thanks for all your responses - it means a lot to know that somebody cares. I just find it so hard to deal with. I've been so emotional and upset, I can't seem to stop crying every time I think about it. And he blows hot and cold all the time - he seems to take pleasure in my pain and confusion, alternating between being cold and unloving, and then calling me silly and hypersensitive when I say I feel unloved and rejected. I tried to talk to him about it in the early hours of Saturday morning when he heard me crying and came to find out what was wrong. I asked him if he loved me and he said that he didn't know. That cut me to the quick, because he used to know. I asked him if he was seeing this woman. He said no. I asked him if he would lie to me. He said no. I asked him what contact he'd had with her since the time she came round after new year (which I only found out about a week later). He said he'd not seen or spoken to her, but had received a text from her. And I knew he was lying, coz I'd seen the evidence of their phone calls.
Then he goes on about how it would be great if I could share him with her, let him have a sexual relationship with her, but I'd be his "Number 1", but he doesn't want me sexually any more, because I'm pregnant, and he finds it a sexual turn off. He went on about how I had to stop being jealous and accept their "friendship" because she was one of his closest friends and if I forced him to choose then I'd lose. Then he adds that he wants to help her financially as well, because she's struggling with her mortgage, since he husband dumped her, and she's got a little girl, and they're short of money.
I was crying out for his reassurace, and he refused to give it, seeming to enjoy my pain. He said I had to stop asking him for things he couldn't give me. Then all Saturday and Sunday he was just picking on me, being hyper-critical of everything I did, saying I was an emotional wreck because I couldn't keep it together. We had another row on Sunday night and I went out for a couple of hours with my dog. When I got back, he was being concilitory, and asked me to tell him why I was so upset all the time. I started out by telling him that he'd taken away all my security by suddenly not knowing if he loved me or not, and expecting me to build my life around him when he didn't even know if he loved me. He seems to take so much pleasure in ripping the rug out from beneath my feet, and watching me fall to pieces, and then telling me that I'm impossible to cope with because I'm so messed up in my head. When we spoke on Sunday, he said of course he loved me, and I shouldn't need to hear him say it all the time. But I asked him, and he knew that I needed to hear it so badly, but he couldn't say it when it counted. That's just cruel. That's emotional torture. He says I'm depressed because of the pregnancy (he always blames my sadness on my hormones). It's as if he likes to see me beaten down and broken, because it puts him in a postion of power, but finds it a "drag" living with me when I'm so unhappy, and then says that unless I get my act together and start cheering up, then it's going to be the end of our relationship.
As I read what I've written, I can see how f***ed up this all is. Nobody, nobody could be happy in a situation like this. It IS a form of torture, and it's totally breaking me. When I was out with my dog yesterday, I wished that the rest of my life would just fade away, and I could just live in that moment.
love
Diff xxx
Then he goes on about how it would be great if I could share him with her, let him have a sexual relationship with her, but I'd be his "Number 1", but he doesn't want me sexually any more, because I'm pregnant, and he finds it a sexual turn off. He went on about how I had to stop being jealous and accept their "friendship" because she was one of his closest friends and if I forced him to choose then I'd lose. Then he adds that he wants to help her financially as well, because she's struggling with her mortgage, since he husband dumped her, and she's got a little girl, and they're short of money.
I was crying out for his reassurace, and he refused to give it, seeming to enjoy my pain. He said I had to stop asking him for things he couldn't give me. Then all Saturday and Sunday he was just picking on me, being hyper-critical of everything I did, saying I was an emotional wreck because I couldn't keep it together. We had another row on Sunday night and I went out for a couple of hours with my dog. When I got back, he was being concilitory, and asked me to tell him why I was so upset all the time. I started out by telling him that he'd taken away all my security by suddenly not knowing if he loved me or not, and expecting me to build my life around him when he didn't even know if he loved me. He seems to take so much pleasure in ripping the rug out from beneath my feet, and watching me fall to pieces, and then telling me that I'm impossible to cope with because I'm so messed up in my head. When we spoke on Sunday, he said of course he loved me, and I shouldn't need to hear him say it all the time. But I asked him, and he knew that I needed to hear it so badly, but he couldn't say it when it counted. That's just cruel. That's emotional torture. He says I'm depressed because of the pregnancy (he always blames my sadness on my hormones). It's as if he likes to see me beaten down and broken, because it puts him in a postion of power, but finds it a "drag" living with me when I'm so unhappy, and then says that unless I get my act together and start cheering up, then it's going to be the end of our relationship.
As I read what I've written, I can see how f***ed up this all is. Nobody, nobody could be happy in a situation like this. It IS a form of torture, and it's totally breaking me. When I was out with my dog yesterday, I wished that the rest of my life would just fade away, and I could just live in that moment.
love
Diff xxx
Diff you said it yourself, this is f***ed up man. This man is a flipin moron. Have sex with her because he finds you unsexy cos you are pregnant. What is he, an APE who cannot control his sexual urges.
Wow what a suppportive guy - really caring and supporting you through the pregnancy -NOT!
Frankly Diff, from reading your posts of the past, and seeing your strength over the months I am surprised you fell in love with someone so obviously switched off to understanding anything about a loving relationship.
Get back on that housing list, ditch ape man. If this is how he dispays his love to you then your child will be better off without him!
You do not deserve this s***!
calabash
Wow what a suppportive guy - really caring and supporting you through the pregnancy -NOT!
Frankly Diff, from reading your posts of the past, and seeing your strength over the months I am surprised you fell in love with someone so obviously switched off to understanding anything about a loving relationship.
Get back on that housing list, ditch ape man. If this is how he dispays his love to you then your child will be better off without him!
You do not deserve this s***!
calabash
Diff,
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ HUGS ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
You hang in there lady. You're doing great.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ HUGS ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
You hang in there lady. You're doing great.
