Everything is wrong about sums it up right now.
I've been fighting with my husband for the last 3 weeks. I'm supposed to be in Vegas right now for his brother's wedding and I cancelled at the last minute because of the way he was acting and talking to me on Christmas Day. It's horrible and we might be getting a divorce. He refused counseling, then said he would go, but I don't know if he will actually participate and apply what is learned, or just bring his body to appease me, then blame me when it doesn't work. He left for Vegas on the 26th and will return on the 31st.
In the meantime, my sister, who is in addictive addiction, arrived at my house on the 22nd to help with our family Christmas Eve gathering. She spent most of the time sleeping and left me to do all the work. I actually had to call my family and beg them to come early to help with dinner because she wouldn't get up. I had been so busy and lost hot water for a day that I hadn't washed my hair or taken a real bath since Thursday the 21st. So, I spent that evening unshowered with greasy hair and hiding in the back room wrapping presents at the last second.
My sister was supposed to be a week off of pain pills when she arrived. Instead she arrived on percocet. Apparently she ran out immediately and began badgering my husband for some of his (he just had surgery.) Of course she did this after I feel asleep. She continued to ask and ask and ask, knowing we were just barely not fighting and definitely didn't need anyone making waves. he gets pissed at me for telling her he had them. I don't remember telling, maybe it slipped or maybe she just assumed he had some, I don't know.
She has been putting intense stress on my parents, who she has been living with. They are scared for her life and so am I. She's been in and out of the hospital for overdose, crazy drunken episodes, various injuries and illnesses that may or may not be drug related. She had moved out 3 weeks ago, then asked if she could move back in. They told her we'll see what condition you are in after you return from your sister's. She was supposed to be house sitting for me this week, but I never left. She must have burned the bridge where she was staying because she arrived with her car full of everything she owns. My parents had not decided if they were going to let her come back home or not.
I told them everything, about arriving high, begging for pills, sleeping the whole time, car full of all her stuff, etc. All of her lies and promises, broken, continuously. It's all caught up to her. They try talking to her and get more lies, more denial "I've been clean for 3 weeks" yada yada....
My dad tried to talk to her on the phone yesterday and she screams, cries, denies, intense drama. She is making them crazy. She is supposed to go talk to them today about coming home. She has no job, no money, blames the world for her problems. And now says she is not going home, but moving in with some guy who offered her a place to live. She's known him forever, but he's a lifelong junkie who is now on methadone. I know he has given her methadone in the past.
She goes through all the motions of what is needed for her to clean up and get her s*** together, but it's all an act.
Now the worst part is my mom calls this morning, very upset and tells me that my dad, who has been clean and sober for almost 12 years, has been drinking for the past month. He hasn't totally lost control, but is on the verge. She found out because he dropped his debit card at the liquor store and they turned it over to the bank, who called my mom. She confronted him and he admitted it.
It was just staying after his business closed, but now he is drinking in the mornings too. She had suspected, but wasn't sure. But today he was definitely buzzed by 9 AM. 12 YEARS SOBER and now this!
I know we all are responsible for ourselves, but he has been on the verge of a nervous breakdown over my sister. And now she is skipping her "talk" with my parents to go move in with some person who is NOT in recovery, just on methadone. I'm sure he gets take homes and I'm sure she will manipulate him.
My own life has been so difficult anyway, and now I have all this to worry about. My husband won't even return my calls. I feel like my whole life is falling apart and I have nobody. The stress is TOO MUCH!
My dad was the kind of alcoholic who couldn't function while drinking. He would stay drunk for weeks, even through the day. Sell everything, lose everything, leave our home, no job or money when drinking. A 100% NON functional alcoholic. Now mom is angry and declares it's his choice and there is nothing she can do. All her years of dealing with this taught her that.
I'm like f*** that! She can try to talk to him and encourage him to get help NOW while he is still capable of logic and reason, BEFORE he is drunk all day. Since they run a business now, which is dependant upon my dad's labor, they stand to lose everything if he continues down this path. And all she can talk about is that tough love, alanon, just let him go BULLs***. I've wondered 1000 times if she could have encouraged him just a little bit, in the past, when he was just sneaking drinks sometimes, instead of treating every drink like a full blown relapse, if he would have straightened up and gotten help some of those times.
I think I have her convinced to try talking to him and encouraging him to call his sponsors, get to meetings and admit what has happened, instead of the usual cold shoulder, let him go, filled with rage attitude. After nearly 12 years of sobriety, I don't think he deep down wants to go back to his alcoholic drug addicted life. I just think he can't cope right now and needs some intervention while he is still capable of comprehending logic, while this is still slightly under control.
God, I f*** I N G HATE this disease! I HATE having no support at home! I HATE having a husband I can never make happy. And I HATE trying to deal with ALL OF THIS AT ONCE, alone.
I don't know what to do and I need some support. I am an emotional train wreck.
OMG ....Atlas,I really don't know what to say?I think you just need to keep processing this and not isolate.
That's just too much sh*t going on at one time.
Maybe writing this will be a start and letting go of some of it.
What can you do right now to take care of yourself?
Take a good shower for starters.
That's just too much sh*t going on at one time.
Maybe writing this will be a start and letting go of some of it.
What can you do right now to take care of yourself?
Take a good shower for starters.
Atlas,
I am so sorry you are having a bad day/month/year. Just wanted you to hear something that I saved I am not sure where it comes from. Sometimes we are unsure of where we are at in the middles, endings, and new beginnings it's hard to see or accept. Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Or, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change. If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves. I am curious if this is where you are at with your husband?
When life gets like life does sometimes we realize we are at a changing point or a precipus. Thing are not like they were before and not yet what they are going to be. Things get chaotic and we are caught in it and hypmotized by the constant uproar. The people we know are not acting the way we think they should and everything just seems to be wrong. I understand I have a sister and a sister in law in active addiction. It was crazy to see it-unnerving to say the least. Since I was forced to be around them at Christmas.
Be kind to yourself it is the holiday season. It affects us weather we think it should or not. Take care of yourself and realize this will not last forever. But get it off your chest for sure. Whenever someone else sobriety is more of a focal point than your own it gets crazy I have been there too. Do the things that make you feel better for today give yourself a break from both of thier craziness. Lots of love friend that is a scary place to be you have a friend here.
Love,
Jane
I am so sorry you are having a bad day/month/year. Just wanted you to hear something that I saved I am not sure where it comes from. Sometimes we are unsure of where we are at in the middles, endings, and new beginnings it's hard to see or accept. Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Or, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change. If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves. I am curious if this is where you are at with your husband?
When life gets like life does sometimes we realize we are at a changing point or a precipus. Thing are not like they were before and not yet what they are going to be. Things get chaotic and we are caught in it and hypmotized by the constant uproar. The people we know are not acting the way we think they should and everything just seems to be wrong. I understand I have a sister and a sister in law in active addiction. It was crazy to see it-unnerving to say the least. Since I was forced to be around them at Christmas.
Be kind to yourself it is the holiday season. It affects us weather we think it should or not. Take care of yourself and realize this will not last forever. But get it off your chest for sure. Whenever someone else sobriety is more of a focal point than your own it gets crazy I have been there too. Do the things that make you feel better for today give yourself a break from both of thier craziness. Lots of love friend that is a scary place to be you have a friend here.
Love,
Jane
Hey not that this helps but maybe you & I & my daughter can all live together.you have no idea...naww you probaly do know HOW BAD I WANT TO BE SINGLE AGAIN...
Atlas I have to go to Pet Smart for a bit but write me seems like we have alot happening that maybe we can lean on each other huh?
Love molly
Atlas I have to go to Pet Smart for a bit but write me seems like we have alot happening that maybe we can lean on each other huh?
Love molly
Atlas-One thing about your dad drinking again is he knows about the program.There is not really anything anyone can do right now.I would not get involved with it until he ask for help.
It's going to have to go down the way it does.
You need to concentrate today on your sanity.Your sister's and dad's disease is beyond your control.
This disease does s*ck.It gets to me almost every day reading this BB.There is so much rampant denial and dishonesty it's easy to just say f*ck it.I just have to remember it's not about the personalities....it's about an insidious disease that goes beyond all reason.
It may take you a few days but try and focus on getting to a place where you are not looking at a person but at a sickness.They are not bad people.
It's going to have to go down the way it does.
You need to concentrate today on your sanity.Your sister's and dad's disease is beyond your control.
This disease does s*ck.It gets to me almost every day reading this BB.There is so much rampant denial and dishonesty it's easy to just say f*ck it.I just have to remember it's not about the personalities....it's about an insidious disease that goes beyond all reason.
It may take you a few days but try and focus on getting to a place where you are not looking at a person but at a sickness.They are not bad people.
Atlas:
I am so sorry. That is a lot to deal with. Please take care of you first. It is so hard to see our loved ones struggle. I don't have any words of wisdom but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and I feel for you.
~Rachel
I am so sorry. That is a lot to deal with. Please take care of you first. It is so hard to see our loved ones struggle. I don't have any words of wisdom but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and I feel for you.
~Rachel
Aww, Atlas, take a deep breath. You let it all out, now relax. I know it's not going to do any good to say this but worrying over this stuff, like your dad and your sister isn't going to help anyone. They are going to do what they are going to do no matter how much thought and worry you put into. You can only take care of you. They are going to continue to get high if that's what they want to do. Didn't you say you went to alanon or alateen before? I know they teach you stuff like that. As far as hubby goes, only you know what to do with that. You will get plenty of advice probably but when it comes down to it, you have to live it and only you know what is right for the two of you. Divorce can be ugly but it's not the end of the world. You WILL get thru it no matter what happens. Trust God. He'll take care of you.
I'm so sorry atlas. I'm going to try and email you a good one today. Keep talking. I'm sorry this is happening.
You've been through rough before baby doll, you're such a strong person. Don't forget to look after you.
Love
stac
You've been through rough before baby doll, you're such a strong person. Don't forget to look after you.
Love
stac
Wow, and I thought my family took the cake...
I'm so sorry Atlas. But like others have said, best thing for you is to take care of you. You can't help these people, you aren't responsible for them, only yourself. They need professional help and NA/AA for sure.
I have watched you come so far on this board, please don't give anyone the power to drag you down with them. I know they're your family and you love them but that only goes so far. At some point we have to save ourselves.
As far as your husband goes, every marriage has it's bumps. Is he worth it? I'm willing to bet that he thinks you are. This little break is probably a godsend. Take a deep breath. And then go take a shower. lol Poor thing.
I'm just so sorry...
Lisa
I'm so sorry Atlas. But like others have said, best thing for you is to take care of you. You can't help these people, you aren't responsible for them, only yourself. They need professional help and NA/AA for sure.
I have watched you come so far on this board, please don't give anyone the power to drag you down with them. I know they're your family and you love them but that only goes so far. At some point we have to save ourselves.
As far as your husband goes, every marriage has it's bumps. Is he worth it? I'm willing to bet that he thinks you are. This little break is probably a godsend. Take a deep breath. And then go take a shower. lol Poor thing.
I'm just so sorry...
Lisa
Atlas,
I hope that venting this has helped in some way and that time itself helps you get your thoughts together as well.
Have you discussed your fathers drinking with him? Perhaps a real heart to heart with you, your Dad and your sister could be helpful for everyone. You girls need a sober dad and he wants sober daughters. Do it together.
Atlas, you are such a pretty, intelligent person. Life can be so wonderful for you. Maybe this little separation will awaken your husband as to what he has with you. If not, it may be a good point in your relationship to decide which way to go. I hope this works out for all of you.
PS - I have to smile at your heading "EveryTing" lol
I hope that venting this has helped in some way and that time itself helps you get your thoughts together as well.
Have you discussed your fathers drinking with him? Perhaps a real heart to heart with you, your Dad and your sister could be helpful for everyone. You girls need a sober dad and he wants sober daughters. Do it together.
Atlas, you are such a pretty, intelligent person. Life can be so wonderful for you. Maybe this little separation will awaken your husband as to what he has with you. If not, it may be a good point in your relationship to decide which way to go. I hope this works out for all of you.
PS - I have to smile at your heading "EveryTing" lol
Atlas..................
your not alone..............
your loved and respected here................
atlas.................
your not alone atlas........
you have us here, we love you.
when things like this happen.........
take time for yourself..........this is so important...........
so something today atlas to make yourself happy.......
go to the MAC counter, say a prayer, listen to some music, and get out of the house..........
mabe a nice massage at a beautiful spa.....
please do something good for you right now....
go to the spa and get some kind of treatment......
foot massage, facial, massage, anything.........
it will take you back to a peaceful place and help you cope with this.......
just take a time out form this, because you cant change these things that are
happening around you atlas.......
pray about it and believe with all your heart that God will take care of it.
but you have to believe it it atlas.......
i am sayinf a prayer for you today, and i pray that you get out of the house and do something wonderful for yourself.......
i love you sweetie........
thumper
your not alone..............
your loved and respected here................
atlas.................
your not alone atlas........
you have us here, we love you.
when things like this happen.........
take time for yourself..........this is so important...........
so something today atlas to make yourself happy.......
go to the MAC counter, say a prayer, listen to some music, and get out of the house..........
mabe a nice massage at a beautiful spa.....
please do something good for you right now....
go to the spa and get some kind of treatment......
foot massage, facial, massage, anything.........
it will take you back to a peaceful place and help you cope with this.......
just take a time out form this, because you cant change these things that are
happening around you atlas.......
pray about it and believe with all your heart that God will take care of it.
but you have to believe it it atlas.......
i am sayinf a prayer for you today, and i pray that you get out of the house and do something wonderful for yourself.......
i love you sweetie........
thumper
Jeez honey...that sucks so much...however everything you just described could have been my house this holiday season...there were a few moments and I took advantage of them and really talked myself into believing that things were alright.
Your Christmas and mine about the same...same basic stories just different characters...from my drunken daughter, to my messy overactive overgrown son...to my uninvolved - living in his own world husband...lol
I was so stressed about all the stuff that was happening and I literally worked non stop to please the whole time they were here. Sounds like you have been going through the same thing like I said...here is what I learned....it will settle down one way or another....I have lived by the "serenity prayer" I mean I must have said that prayer 50 times a day...there are so many other little prayers but this one means so much to me and wraps everything up so nice and neat.
Its not your fault or your problem and you can't fix your sis or your dad....or wish your mom to be different. You need to focus on you today and what you will do...I will call you later so we can chat. I am never one to tell anyone to leave there marriage...thats a big decision...only you can answer that one...and I think you perhaps already have.....I liked what Jane said about it.....its not easy to move into another phase of ones life....but I think its time he has shown that he wants this as much as you do...and not just with lip service. The holidays are almost over...you need to be getting your "ducks" in a row just in case...you know a plan.
Trust me I have no magical words but I did want to tell you that I admire your strength...you have worked so hard to be where you are and it shows.....stay strong...really strong...you can't help your sis or your dad...they have to want it. You can pray for them and let them know that you love them....but I would keep a little distance thats just to much...trust me....I know!!!!!
Check your email kay......hold your head up....and take a nice long hot bath!!!!
Your Christmas and mine about the same...same basic stories just different characters...from my drunken daughter, to my messy overactive overgrown son...to my uninvolved - living in his own world husband...lol
I was so stressed about all the stuff that was happening and I literally worked non stop to please the whole time they were here. Sounds like you have been going through the same thing like I said...here is what I learned....it will settle down one way or another....I have lived by the "serenity prayer" I mean I must have said that prayer 50 times a day...there are so many other little prayers but this one means so much to me and wraps everything up so nice and neat.
Its not your fault or your problem and you can't fix your sis or your dad....or wish your mom to be different. You need to focus on you today and what you will do...I will call you later so we can chat. I am never one to tell anyone to leave there marriage...thats a big decision...only you can answer that one...and I think you perhaps already have.....I liked what Jane said about it.....its not easy to move into another phase of ones life....but I think its time he has shown that he wants this as much as you do...and not just with lip service. The holidays are almost over...you need to be getting your "ducks" in a row just in case...you know a plan.
Trust me I have no magical words but I did want to tell you that I admire your strength...you have worked so hard to be where you are and it shows.....stay strong...really strong...you can't help your sis or your dad...they have to want it. You can pray for them and let them know that you love them....but I would keep a little distance thats just to much...trust me....I know!!!!!
Check your email kay......hold your head up....and take a nice long hot bath!!!!
Thanks but I am so hurt. My heart is absolutely ripped to pieces over my dad drinking again. When my mom told me I thought I was going to throw up. After nearly 12 years. I was 18 years old when he finally got sober. Before that, he never made it longer than a few months. Only one time did he actually make it to one year. Once in my entire first 18 years.
The person he has become since getting sober is so different. It has been so nice to see my parents have this wonderful relationship that didn't exist when I was a child. But the last 3 years with my sister and all of the intense drama surrounding her, it's been hard on them. They worry excessively anyway, so she has really taken center stage. It's hard to take care of yourself when other people, people that you love, are destroying their lives. I have seen how much this has affected my parents, and now me.
I was fine with my sister. I made the decision as to how I was going to handle her from now on. After she lied to me about several things, I knew what I needed to do and not do.
But hearing this news about my dad, on top of everything, has just devastated me. I know I can't control it or change it and that just makes it worse. My only option is to stand by helplessly while whatever happens, happens. There is absolutely nothing I can do, and nothing I can say to express how hurt I am right now.
The marriage problems alone were enough to deal with, and I was barely managing to deal with them. My sister added to the stress here. I stayed home from Vegas to have 5 days of peace, to think, to clear my head. Things were semi-peaceful, but I was looking forward to her leaving so I could have some alone time. She left about an hour ago, shortly after I received the news about my dad. So much for peaceful alone time, huh?
Now I'm sitting here crying and hurt. I just cannot believe he picked up after nearly 12 years. I worry that since he has somewhat controlled his drinking for the past month, what if he thinks he can continue to do so?
Mom went to work, she usually works from home, and said that he was not completely wasted, but would never pass a sobriety test. He has a friend from the program with him at work right now, and said he told this friend what was going on. Supposedly the alcohol is gone now, probably consumed, and he is going to go to a meeting later with his friend. I don't know if this guy is his sponsor or not, but he is a close friend for years and has a long time sober. He told my mom he's not going to drink anymore, he's going to go to meetings and get it under control, but who knows? Today just happens to be the day she caught on and confronted him so he could just be telling her what she wants to hear.
And to top it off, now my sister says she is moving back in with them. They decided to let her, in spite of the stress she is causing them. They are planning to have a big talk with her tonight. If she wants to live there she has to continue her recovery program, her shrink and go to a meeting a day, plus stay away from her on again/off again toxic drug addicted boyfriend. Mom says she thinks she doesn't need meetings, and doesn't want to hang out with "those people." Funny thing is, she already hangs out with "those people." The only difference is that the ones she hangs out with are still using.
I'm so upset and there is NOTHING I can do, nothing. I can't even attempt to sort out my marriage because now all I can think about is my dad. I'm sure the talk with my sister tonight probably won't go well, even though I warned her to be on her best behavior and listen to them and abide by their rules. Just what my parents need to deal with right now, huh?
I'm just rambling because I'm so devastated. I feel so helpless. My husband hasn't even called be since he left, even though I left him a message 24 hours ago. It would be nice if I could get support from him, but he would probably just tell me it's not my problem and stay out of it. I have no choice but to stay out of it, since mom has sworn me to secrecy and doesn't want me talking to dad and revealing that I know.
But when I am this emotionally f***ed up, I'm already in it. My head is in it, my heart is in it and there is nothing I can do but sit here and cry. This sucks.
The person he has become since getting sober is so different. It has been so nice to see my parents have this wonderful relationship that didn't exist when I was a child. But the last 3 years with my sister and all of the intense drama surrounding her, it's been hard on them. They worry excessively anyway, so she has really taken center stage. It's hard to take care of yourself when other people, people that you love, are destroying their lives. I have seen how much this has affected my parents, and now me.
I was fine with my sister. I made the decision as to how I was going to handle her from now on. After she lied to me about several things, I knew what I needed to do and not do.
But hearing this news about my dad, on top of everything, has just devastated me. I know I can't control it or change it and that just makes it worse. My only option is to stand by helplessly while whatever happens, happens. There is absolutely nothing I can do, and nothing I can say to express how hurt I am right now.
The marriage problems alone were enough to deal with, and I was barely managing to deal with them. My sister added to the stress here. I stayed home from Vegas to have 5 days of peace, to think, to clear my head. Things were semi-peaceful, but I was looking forward to her leaving so I could have some alone time. She left about an hour ago, shortly after I received the news about my dad. So much for peaceful alone time, huh?
Now I'm sitting here crying and hurt. I just cannot believe he picked up after nearly 12 years. I worry that since he has somewhat controlled his drinking for the past month, what if he thinks he can continue to do so?
Mom went to work, she usually works from home, and said that he was not completely wasted, but would never pass a sobriety test. He has a friend from the program with him at work right now, and said he told this friend what was going on. Supposedly the alcohol is gone now, probably consumed, and he is going to go to a meeting later with his friend. I don't know if this guy is his sponsor or not, but he is a close friend for years and has a long time sober. He told my mom he's not going to drink anymore, he's going to go to meetings and get it under control, but who knows? Today just happens to be the day she caught on and confronted him so he could just be telling her what she wants to hear.
And to top it off, now my sister says she is moving back in with them. They decided to let her, in spite of the stress she is causing them. They are planning to have a big talk with her tonight. If she wants to live there she has to continue her recovery program, her shrink and go to a meeting a day, plus stay away from her on again/off again toxic drug addicted boyfriend. Mom says she thinks she doesn't need meetings, and doesn't want to hang out with "those people." Funny thing is, she already hangs out with "those people." The only difference is that the ones she hangs out with are still using.
I'm so upset and there is NOTHING I can do, nothing. I can't even attempt to sort out my marriage because now all I can think about is my dad. I'm sure the talk with my sister tonight probably won't go well, even though I warned her to be on her best behavior and listen to them and abide by their rules. Just what my parents need to deal with right now, huh?
I'm just rambling because I'm so devastated. I feel so helpless. My husband hasn't even called be since he left, even though I left him a message 24 hours ago. It would be nice if I could get support from him, but he would probably just tell me it's not my problem and stay out of it. I have no choice but to stay out of it, since mom has sworn me to secrecy and doesn't want me talking to dad and revealing that I know.
But when I am this emotionally f***ed up, I'm already in it. My head is in it, my heart is in it and there is nothing I can do but sit here and cry. This sucks.
Oh Atlas, I am so sorry. I can really hear your pain honey.
The good news is, your dad knows what he needs to do and it sounds like he's got someone who is going to help him find his way back. Not all is lost. He's human, he has a disease just like you. But he also has tools and skills that will help him get sober. He has to want it though. You know that.
You poor little thing. I hate that you're alone and in so much pain. It's ok to cry and to grieve. What would happen if you called your husband and talk to him? Would he be responsive? You need someone right now.
I wish I could do more.
hugs
The good news is, your dad knows what he needs to do and it sounds like he's got someone who is going to help him find his way back. Not all is lost. He's human, he has a disease just like you. But he also has tools and skills that will help him get sober. He has to want it though. You know that.
You poor little thing. I hate that you're alone and in so much pain. It's ok to cry and to grieve. What would happen if you called your husband and talk to him? Would he be responsive? You need someone right now.
I wish I could do more.
hugs
Atlas...I have heard of people that have had alot of time in the program...I mean 20 plus years of sobriety and have gone back out....only to find that they don't start all over again...they pick up exactly where they left off...so there is no big long build up.....they realized very quickly what was happening and come back in with little or no problem.
Your dad is an addict thats all...he knows the program and knows what to do...I think this will be very short lived and he will be back in no time..please don't worry.
One thing that I don't agree with though is that your mom has sworn you to secrecy...thats not cool...especially for an addict...its those lies and secrets....no way man...talk to your mom...tell her you need to be able to talk to your dad about this...I think it will help him come back sooner!
I feel your pain and am so sorry honey....you have my support and support of so many here...so its ok...to feel bad....I would too...it won't last long...as for your hubby....well you know what he is like.....I drive myself crazy wishing my hubby would do things that he is just not capable of....its more my problem than his....he is what he is! Either you accept it or you move on....
Your such an awesome person and this to will soon pass...I hate that corny saying but it is true....sending major hugs honey!!
Your dad is an addict thats all...he knows the program and knows what to do...I think this will be very short lived and he will be back in no time..please don't worry.
One thing that I don't agree with though is that your mom has sworn you to secrecy...thats not cool...especially for an addict...its those lies and secrets....no way man...talk to your mom...tell her you need to be able to talk to your dad about this...I think it will help him come back sooner!
I feel your pain and am so sorry honey....you have my support and support of so many here...so its ok...to feel bad....I would too...it won't last long...as for your hubby....well you know what he is like.....I drive myself crazy wishing my hubby would do things that he is just not capable of....its more my problem than his....he is what he is! Either you accept it or you move on....
Your such an awesome person and this to will soon pass...I hate that corny saying but it is true....sending major hugs honey!!
KeeKee quotes-"One thing that I don't agree with though is that your mom has sworn you to secrecy...thats not cool...especially for an addict...its those lies and secrets....no way man...talk to your mom...tell her you need to be able to talk to your dad about this..."
I agree 100% with this.This disease thrives on secrets and duplicity.You don't want to talk with him right now but I would in the next week find a time.Preferably when he is sober.You don't have to let him know how you know.
Show concern,love and compassion but it sounds like the whole family is involved in this.
I think you are an intelligent woman and the words will come as they need to.
KeeKee is also right about the progression of Alcoholism.It takes off where it stopped and can have some very deletrious consequences real fast.
I've talked about my friend John who relapsed.He had 8 years of sobriety.I took him to lunch for Christmas and he had aged 25 years and kept repeating himself because he has brain damage.It broke my heart.I could barley sit through lunch without just breaking down.He still claims he only has a couple glasses of wine at night.I could smell the Bourbon on him.
The problem with some of these guys that relapse after many years of sobriety,their ego gets in the way.
Atlas,I'll pray for your dad.You keep clean.He is going to need you at some point.
I agree 100% with this.This disease thrives on secrets and duplicity.You don't want to talk with him right now but I would in the next week find a time.Preferably when he is sober.You don't have to let him know how you know.
Show concern,love and compassion but it sounds like the whole family is involved in this.
I think you are an intelligent woman and the words will come as they need to.
KeeKee is also right about the progression of Alcoholism.It takes off where it stopped and can have some very deletrious consequences real fast.
I've talked about my friend John who relapsed.He had 8 years of sobriety.I took him to lunch for Christmas and he had aged 25 years and kept repeating himself because he has brain damage.It broke my heart.I could barley sit through lunch without just breaking down.He still claims he only has a couple glasses of wine at night.I could smell the Bourbon on him.
The problem with some of these guys that relapse after many years of sobriety,their ego gets in the way.
Atlas,I'll pray for your dad.You keep clean.He is going to need you at some point.
Yeah, my husband finally bothered to call me back, a day later. I get zero support and feel worse now than I did before I talked to him. I tried to take the high road and apologize for not going to Vegas, even though I am NOT sorry. he proceeds to tell me that I should have come. Then right after that he tells me he doesn't think we can stay together because I never want to do anything.
I want to do plenty, just none of it involves late night drinking parties and functions. We have a zillion home projects we could do together, but he never wants to, or he does want to, but when we go to Lowes his ADD kicks in and we cannot complete buying the supplies. Whatever the reason, they never get done. I like cards, board games, road trips, gambling, shopping....oh forget it. I could go on and on and name reasons why he won't do anything I like. All he wants to do is watch sports and go hiking and drinking related parties and events. So excuse the f*** out of me for wanting to not go out boozing all the time.
I better just face reality and gear up for divorce because I think we are beyond help. At least I have bettered myself through counseling, which he refuses to go to. At least I have tried to offer solutions instead of holding it all in until I blow up. And most importantly, I have communicated my emotional needs to him, which he has never been able to do for me.
All I ever hear is how he doesn't get enough sex and how much he resents me for living off of "his" money. Neither one of us had anything when we got married. I din't continue my education because I helped him establish his business, worked in his office, did so much for that business. Yet it's all "his." I have been there since day one until I was strongly persuaded to go into real estate. I took that stupid class so we could do some investing, then he never would invest in anything. And I get stuck working as a realtor in a town that is depressed economically, real estate doesn't move, plus I'm not from here so I know nobody.
He thinks his financial and professional success makes him perfect in every way. I think we would be better off if we didn't have any money.
Plus, he grew up here and knows everyone, yet somehow we have no friends??? I'm always asking him to call so and so and lets do something with them, and it never happens.
I need to process all this and I have no idea how. I have no idea how I will find the strength to either work this out, which is doubtful, or go through a divorce...on top of everything. I think I am close to having a nervous breakdown.
At least I have you guys, thanks for all the kindness and support.
I want to do plenty, just none of it involves late night drinking parties and functions. We have a zillion home projects we could do together, but he never wants to, or he does want to, but when we go to Lowes his ADD kicks in and we cannot complete buying the supplies. Whatever the reason, they never get done. I like cards, board games, road trips, gambling, shopping....oh forget it. I could go on and on and name reasons why he won't do anything I like. All he wants to do is watch sports and go hiking and drinking related parties and events. So excuse the f*** out of me for wanting to not go out boozing all the time.
I better just face reality and gear up for divorce because I think we are beyond help. At least I have bettered myself through counseling, which he refuses to go to. At least I have tried to offer solutions instead of holding it all in until I blow up. And most importantly, I have communicated my emotional needs to him, which he has never been able to do for me.
All I ever hear is how he doesn't get enough sex and how much he resents me for living off of "his" money. Neither one of us had anything when we got married. I din't continue my education because I helped him establish his business, worked in his office, did so much for that business. Yet it's all "his." I have been there since day one until I was strongly persuaded to go into real estate. I took that stupid class so we could do some investing, then he never would invest in anything. And I get stuck working as a realtor in a town that is depressed economically, real estate doesn't move, plus I'm not from here so I know nobody.
He thinks his financial and professional success makes him perfect in every way. I think we would be better off if we didn't have any money.
Plus, he grew up here and knows everyone, yet somehow we have no friends??? I'm always asking him to call so and so and lets do something with them, and it never happens.
I need to process all this and I have no idea how. I have no idea how I will find the strength to either work this out, which is doubtful, or go through a divorce...on top of everything. I think I am close to having a nervous breakdown.
At least I have you guys, thanks for all the kindness and support.
pssttt....Its half your business
One other thing, is now he will go to his meetings and talk about this. So now his nearly 12 years will be "lost" according to that program. So if it's lost where did it go? Now it will be one day, one week, one month....whatever. I would imagine it is a lot easier to throw away 2 weeks than it is to throw away 12 years. I really hate the concept of "counting clean time." I do not see how it is at all productive, especially for someone newly sober, and even more so for someone like him who has just relapsed after 12 years. I think it's a bunch of bulls***, no offense.
I know Tom, but it's all part of the battle of a divorce. Assessing the value of the business, etc. And he believes it is all his and that my value is that of a housekeeper's wage. My name is on nothing we own, except 2 loans and some savings and IRA's. Oh, and on our "other" business which is really just a tax shelter. The only profits made have been under the table and added to some 'secret' account he has. It's not a secret, but I can't access it or even know where it is. We have a joint checking account with minimal funds to pay bills, a few credit cards, and he hoards it all in "his" business account, other than regular savings deposits. Lucky for me, I live in a community property state where names on deeds and accounts do not matter, but it's still a big battle brewing. This is why I feel too emotional drained to do anything. It's a challenge just to get up and feed the animals every day.
