So my ex husband has been in a three quarter way house since he got out of rehab end of August. He just started a job last Friday. He actually works in the same place one of my family members works which is kind of funny.
He's been doing his usual posting inspirational quotes on his page about recovery and all that since he got out of rehab. Of course he gets all his recovery buddies and family "liking" or "loving" his statuses since they're all fake and only show support on Facebook. He does this every time he gets out of rehab. One of them I hit the laughing emoticon because it was just funny that he would post it but it kind of pissed me off. Something about not holding onto mistakes from the past - but the things he has done aren't "mistakes." A mistake isn't stealing from your parents or your wife. A mistake isn't beating your spouse or spending all your spouse's money. So it irritated me. He messaged me when he saw I did the laugh reaction. I told him why. He said "oh you just want attention." I said then I would respond to all your posts and I don't. "Well it wasn't about you." I said I never said it was about me but you have to realize perception is different to different people. After a couple back and forth he's like "I rarely enjoy having you as a friend." I said ok. Have a nice day.
Then the next day after I messaged him about a joke post someone made he said he was going to bed (he works nights). Then he messages me an hour later asking me if I think we can get back together and he can come back "home" and get a job here because he misses us and thinks he can contribute and be a good dad and partner.
I was already in a bad mood because my daughter I think gave me the bug she had a few days ago. I don't think I was mean I was just honest and I told him that I have already told him multiple times what he has to do if he wants a shot at us again. That I gave him too many chances and he's proven me wrong. That I miss him at times but whenever I let him back in he just does the opposite of what he promises. That there is still hurt about what he did to keep the money and lied to get it. Lied to me about paying it back. How he took off as soon as he got out of jail and used again and missed our daughter's birthday and didn't talk to her for two weeks. That he has to prove he wants to be a partner and a father. That he can keep a job and be sober more than a few months at a time. Be dependable. Be reliable. Even IF he did that I said we'd have to do some serious counseling. Then I threw in how just a day prior he said he couldn't stand me as a friend...
I think he just doesn't like to work or be responsible so he wants to run back here and hide out and not be an adult. He hasn't even had this job a week and he already wants to quit and run. I think it's better for him to be in that house and work where he works because at least where he is now he can walk to work if he has to. If he comes back here - it's a much larger city and he can't walk to work if he got a decent job. PLUS I just don't want him to come back. There is really too much f***ed up s*** that's happened. He's only been out of rehab a few weeks. He has YET to apologize to me for screwing me out of all that money and for what he has done to our daughter and what he has done to me the last five years. I guess he hasn't gotten to that step yet...I don't know.
He can trick all his family but I'm not falling for it again. His mom can sit there and enable him and pat his butt for him. Baby him. Or his sisters can pretend support him on Facebook (no one came to visit him in rehab or came to the 'graduation' they have). If he wants me back he has to prove it. I have told him this for the last year. Honestly I don't know if he will ever change. I really don't. I'm not going to sit and wait for it. I just don't have the time for anyone's bs. Not his or any other guy. I already have one child to take care of I'm not taking care of him anymore.
I have told him that I don't think I'm in a place to be with anyone - him or anyone else. I have too much to do taking care of our daughter and he doesn't help with anything. I have to worry about that and work and it's just I can't have his baggage too and I told him that in jail. I'm wondering if he even read the letters I sent after he wrote me. I don't think he did.
I kind of want to go to a counselor with him just to see what he would say to one. To see if he blames me or everyone else or himself. Honestly seeing how messed in the head his mom is I see why he is the way he is and his siblings. Their mom messed them all up - but I had a crazy mom too and I don't act like him. Nor do my siblings. I guess actually my mom wasn't as crazy as his - she was just selfish.
There is this part deep in my heart that holds out hope but I have to listen to my brain. My brain hears bulls*** when he talks to me or messages me. Like the other day I let him see our daughter - he gives her a hug when he says goodbye and then he opens the door and gives me a hug. I was like WTF? In my head I didn't say that out loud. It was awkward and weird. When I left I was like "ugh." There's just too much tension and weirdness there after what he's done.
I'm expecting him to relapse within the next month or so. Technically he's been off meth since he OD'd in a couple months ago. A month off anything else or a month and a half. But I have a feeling once he starts getting a paycheck and he gets child support taken out and everything he's going to start with drinking again and then move back to weed and meth. Last time he had a steady job he bitched about how he had to pay child support and rent and bills and had nothing left for himself. I said welcome to the adult world. It sucks sometimes.
Sorry for all you are going through!
I am going to keep this short and sweet! First, I would stop commenting on anything he writes on Facebook, even just the like button. All it does is put you right bacck in the middle of the game playing. It is hard for a lot of people to abandon getting in the "last dig", but the only purpose it serves is to keep you in the middle of the sickness.
I would inform him now that there is NO CHANCE of a reconciliation! When someone hits you, even once, it should be an absolute deal breaker...it doesn't matter if it was in active addiction or not! We teach people how to treat us and letting him back in your life says that it is ok to hit you..he will be forgiven.
It is so important to empower our daughters and they are never too young to learn that violence is NEVER ok and is never forgivable. It should be a one way sign to run for the hills!
As hard as it is to stay away from the drama, every time you look at his FB page or comment, you are indirectly inserting yourself (and your daughter) in the chaos. block him!
I am going to keep this short and sweet! First, I would stop commenting on anything he writes on Facebook, even just the like button. All it does is put you right bacck in the middle of the game playing. It is hard for a lot of people to abandon getting in the "last dig", but the only purpose it serves is to keep you in the middle of the sickness.
I would inform him now that there is NO CHANCE of a reconciliation! When someone hits you, even once, it should be an absolute deal breaker...it doesn't matter if it was in active addiction or not! We teach people how to treat us and letting him back in your life says that it is ok to hit you..he will be forgiven.
It is so important to empower our daughters and they are never too young to learn that violence is NEVER ok and is never forgivable. It should be a one way sign to run for the hills!
As hard as it is to stay away from the drama, every time you look at his FB page or comment, you are indirectly inserting yourself (and your daughter) in the chaos. block him!
the addict in my life is my son. he is good natured, and I we keep thinking he can change. my son always says he will 'pay me back', NEVER DOES. Is always agreeable to any plan of budgeting we suggest - as long as it includes '$$ today, pay-back later'... then we wait and see and his behavior does not change.... in the past 2-3 years he had 3-4 times that he was clean and sober for at least 4 months at a time - rehab, sober living, yet he relapses when on his own. it is confusing for us bc he only needs to change a few things and life would be normal, but he just keeps himself down, complicated, struggle....
-- my advice to you is to keep your ex out of your life. you are doing good. you sound stronger that you did a few months ago. believe that he will absolutely do everything he has done in the past. I agree to not remark on fb. don't let him bring you down. stay out of the drama. Let him become responsible on his own for at least a year. Wait until he has something to bring to your relationship.
-- my advice to you is to keep your ex out of your life. you are doing good. you sound stronger that you did a few months ago. believe that he will absolutely do everything he has done in the past. I agree to not remark on fb. don't let him bring you down. stay out of the drama. Let him become responsible on his own for at least a year. Wait until he has something to bring to your relationship.
Oh he's not changing and I knew it. I found out he's been smoking pot. He and some other people he apparently went to rehab with. Talking to his old dealers. No meth yet - but he wants to. He doesn't know that I know though. And someone got him some pee apparently. He just started another new job (he couldn't apparently handle this last one not even working there a week) and had to take a UA yesterday. Yet he posts on Facebook today "who made it another day without getting drunk and high?" And the people he has been getting high with liked it too!
And I found out that his mom, right before rehab, kicked him out and told him she hoped he would relapse and OD. But yet she was telling people I was forcing him to relapse? And that I told him to kill himself? I never did any of that. And when he found a ride she let him stay. His mom and stepdad went from yelling at him and calling him lazy and a moocher right before rehab (and right after he was in the hospital from OD) to after rehab suddenly he's a changed man and they're telling him they will bring him food and how proud of him they are. He didn't do anything yet. AND his sister told him that he has one of the kindest hearts she knows or some s*** - all this knowing he beat me, beat his first wife, stole from their parents, neglects his kids but somehow he has a kind heart? This family boggles my mind. This could be a reality TV show and people wouldn't believe it's real. I'm glad I finally realized they're so damn fake.
He's not supposed to use living in that house he's at - nothing. No alcohol. Nothing. And he's getting someone else's pee to pass UAs and he expected me to let him come back here? Um no. He can fool his family and he can fool everyone else on Facebook but I'm not fooled. I knew he was probably smoking pot even before I got confirmation about it. He's never going to change as long as he has people who facilitate his ability to get ANY drugs and his family sits there and babies him. It's sad - because he could have done a lot. But he chooses not to. I think if he had better guidance from his parents he would maybe have turned out better because his brother is extremely smart and talented at a lot of things and his parents ignored him and focused on my ex and the sisters. Their mom has always been crazy and all of them told me how she's been growing up. I mean ffs she told her son she HOPES he relapses and ODs just because she was fighting with her husband and she was mad at me. Those kids never had a chance. And his mom wonders why I don't want her around MY kid? Blood doesn't mean family.
And I found out that his mom, right before rehab, kicked him out and told him she hoped he would relapse and OD. But yet she was telling people I was forcing him to relapse? And that I told him to kill himself? I never did any of that. And when he found a ride she let him stay. His mom and stepdad went from yelling at him and calling him lazy and a moocher right before rehab (and right after he was in the hospital from OD) to after rehab suddenly he's a changed man and they're telling him they will bring him food and how proud of him they are. He didn't do anything yet. AND his sister told him that he has one of the kindest hearts she knows or some s*** - all this knowing he beat me, beat his first wife, stole from their parents, neglects his kids but somehow he has a kind heart? This family boggles my mind. This could be a reality TV show and people wouldn't believe it's real. I'm glad I finally realized they're so damn fake.
He's not supposed to use living in that house he's at - nothing. No alcohol. Nothing. And he's getting someone else's pee to pass UAs and he expected me to let him come back here? Um no. He can fool his family and he can fool everyone else on Facebook but I'm not fooled. I knew he was probably smoking pot even before I got confirmation about it. He's never going to change as long as he has people who facilitate his ability to get ANY drugs and his family sits there and babies him. It's sad - because he could have done a lot. But he chooses not to. I think if he had better guidance from his parents he would maybe have turned out better because his brother is extremely smart and talented at a lot of things and his parents ignored him and focused on my ex and the sisters. Their mom has always been crazy and all of them told me how she's been growing up. I mean ffs she told her son she HOPES he relapses and ODs just because she was fighting with her husband and she was mad at me. Those kids never had a chance. And his mom wonders why I don't want her around MY kid? Blood doesn't mean family.
