Ive never ever shared anything about my addictions but im pretty much at my whits end. I cant function without oc but im sick of the way i feel on it. 3 years ago I fell in love with a recovering addict at the age of 18 shortly after we shared oxycontin 4 days a week. 3 months later I found out he relasped and I acted suprised. for 2 years I put myself through an abusive relationship drinking, and doing drugs every day just to pull myself through ( not to sound like the normal angsty young adult but my fathers family hasnt talked to me in 5 years and my mother has been addicted to pericot since i can remember, i got my first aparment when i was 16). That boyfriend was about to go to jail for a month, I was going to have a drug hook up but the day before he was about to leave for jail, we got in a huge fight he threatened my life and I assumed broke up. There was a man in my life, a sweet man whom I confided my addictions to, and when I ended up homeless decided he wanted to move to another city invited me along. He put up with my withdrawls, my anger, extreme extreme depression, mood swings, sickness and unability to deal with stresses ( when you are addicted to drugs as you may know insted of dealing with inconviences the normal way you just get f***ed up, cool down, and take care of them). We ended up together. For 2 months finally things were semi normal, of course a month later a storm hit. I kept getting deatly sick, weak, and emotional. He suggested I was pregnant and forever I denyed it. Finally I found out, that I was infact pregnant the rediclous emotions I had just started to get a handel, were let loose. Im not saying im not responceable for my emotions, im just implying that the many unstabilities in my life cause alot of my emotional unstability. For about a month we conversed back and forth about weither or not to keep the child and finally he confessed he wanted it but knew we couldnt handel it, and he was right. So for the first time in about 4 monts I took pain killers and had the abortion telling everyone else it was a biopsy. Once that hapened the painkillers poured in from everyone. He warned me about taking them but I lied and said I didnt. Shortly after I started a job which I fell in love with but every day was a reminder of the abortion so I started taking perks and morphine every day which my mom gave me(I worked with her). Then one failthful night I started talking to my ex boyfriend and he started selling me oxys again. Finally, my boyfriend, the father of my child, the man who told me he had never thought about marrying a woman in his life, who couldnt live with out me (I tried breaking up with him once and he drove a hour out of his way and cried on my sholder), the man who once called me 3 times a day to just tell me he loved me (who still didnt and doesnt know about me doing drugs) decided this relationship was to much for him to handel(keep in mind were both the same age 21) and he had been f***ing someone else for 3 weeks. I know looking back now that sort of break up hapens normally at my age, it was just piticularly hard because I had just aborted a child I so desperatley wanted, and a week after he had started having sex with someone else. So that just pushed my drug addiction further, and then I was homeless which pushed it further, then I lost my job which pushed it furter. I am currently doing half an 80 a day or 40 milligrams of oc. I have wanted to join the methadone clinic but I dont have any money. To be honest with you I have no f***ing idea how I get the money for my drugs. I dont have health insurance so I cant get treatment from a doctor, and to be honest with you I wouldnt get treatment from a professional doctor. That will stay on my reccords for the rest of my life and if i need painkillers in the future for something important they wont prescribe it because im an addict. I have one thing going for me I have one of the higest gpa's in my college dont as me how. Probley from getting f***ed up and doing homework constantly. I dont know what to do, I want to go to a clinic I need help funding it. Otherwise im just going to keep drinking, and getting f***ed up every night. Maybe im posting in the wrong place.
ps the icing on the cake is that I got offered a escort job while I was at the super market today. I wonder what life is trying to say.
I'm so sorry for your heartache. Oxy's are bad. There is an instant addiction and the withdrawals make you feel like you would rather die. I've been there, was addicted to them for many years. I'm not sure where you live, but most areas have some sort of community substance abuse centers. Do you have a phone book, it should be in there. Call them and ask. If not, can you go to an NA meeting? Maybe someone there would have some answers for you. If you're not sure where a meeting is in your area, go to www.na.org and you can locate one. Best of luck to you, Michelle.
Definitely not in the wrong place.
What kind of help are you looking for.
What do you need now, in this moment
If you are comfortable sharing what state you are in, I can see what resources a friend has for your area
And you can see if the 211 phone line is in your area. Just dial, if it goes through, then just spill it out, and see what is out there to help you. You dont have to give your name
You are 21...some communities have programs for the uninsured between ages 18-23 for addiction
And talking to any doctor will be confidential unless you choose for him/her to share the information.
You still in school, have health insurance through them at all.there might be resources on campus as well for addiction.
You can also walk into any er, say I am done this is insane and I need helptell of the drinking, the oxy along with it and any other drug you might be using, smelling like alcohol will not hurt you, probably help
Be open, honest, patient, and dont play down your addiction. And leave the ball in their hands and let them help you work things out Where you can get help, and the paying they will push for the state to pick it upthey shouldnt leave you hanging.
This isnt going to end itself. You will have to be proactive and seek out help as hard as you seek out Oxy
You will have to be willing to see that if you dont get help then this will not end. And it gets worse, always. It doesnt get better on its own, most if not all need some support, a place to vent, feel comfortable, safemeetings can be a help there.
And nothing but nothing is as important as you getting your life back. It isnt worth much chained to a pill, a bottle
You also will have to understand that you are worth it and yes you are...That you are not the choices you made in the past. You arent defined by your past unless you allow it to define you
Good Luck,
Love,
Tina
What kind of help are you looking for.
What do you need now, in this moment
If you are comfortable sharing what state you are in, I can see what resources a friend has for your area
And you can see if the 211 phone line is in your area. Just dial, if it goes through, then just spill it out, and see what is out there to help you. You dont have to give your name
You are 21...some communities have programs for the uninsured between ages 18-23 for addiction
And talking to any doctor will be confidential unless you choose for him/her to share the information.
You still in school, have health insurance through them at all.there might be resources on campus as well for addiction.
You can also walk into any er, say I am done this is insane and I need helptell of the drinking, the oxy along with it and any other drug you might be using, smelling like alcohol will not hurt you, probably help
Be open, honest, patient, and dont play down your addiction. And leave the ball in their hands and let them help you work things out Where you can get help, and the paying they will push for the state to pick it upthey shouldnt leave you hanging.
This isnt going to end itself. You will have to be proactive and seek out help as hard as you seek out Oxy
You will have to be willing to see that if you dont get help then this will not end. And it gets worse, always. It doesnt get better on its own, most if not all need some support, a place to vent, feel comfortable, safemeetings can be a help there.
And nothing but nothing is as important as you getting your life back. It isnt worth much chained to a pill, a bottle
You also will have to understand that you are worth it and yes you are...That you are not the choices you made in the past. You arent defined by your past unless you allow it to define you
Good Luck,
Love,
Tina
There is good advice here, please keep reading posts.
All I know is that NOTHING will get better if you keep using. I have been clean for eight months and I am just thankful I stopped when I did. If you keep using, you will end up either dead or in jail. It sounds like you have a hell-of-a brain.......don't waste it. Becoming an escort is a bad decision......you will end up in a dangerous situation eventually......I've known many girls and guys who've gone that sort of route to pay for drug habits.....it never goes well.
Simplify things. If you can find the strength to stop using, EVERYTHING else becomes easier. I know.....I've been where you are.......so have MANY other people here.
Start fighting!
Jer
All I know is that NOTHING will get better if you keep using. I have been clean for eight months and I am just thankful I stopped when I did. If you keep using, you will end up either dead or in jail. It sounds like you have a hell-of-a brain.......don't waste it. Becoming an escort is a bad decision......you will end up in a dangerous situation eventually......I've known many girls and guys who've gone that sort of route to pay for drug habits.....it never goes well.
Simplify things. If you can find the strength to stop using, EVERYTHING else becomes easier. I know.....I've been where you are.......so have MANY other people here.
Start fighting!
Jer
I worked some financial aid out, and as of tomorrow I am not longer homeless. I had to put a LARGE deposit on my dorm which took the remainder of my last check. I'm hoping that will motivate me not to buy drugs so that I can survive untill I find another job. The economy is so s***ty, so s***ty right now, I just pray I can find something. My marketing teacher came up to me today and told me that I was getting a 95 in his class ( I take condensed courses that are 8 weeks long, which means the class is half over) which boosted my confidence. On the down side my boyfriend and I got in a fight and he told me he was going to propose to me today, then decided not to because i'm too inseucure and he doesn't feel that he wants to marry some one like that. I'm starting to think his abusive behavior is part of my problem. I know I need to reevaluate my life, i'm trying to. It takes time. Giving advice to someone else is easier than taking your own.
<3
Jamie
<3
Jamie
You are so young yet have been through so much. I can't imagine the stress that you are going through. Your "boyfriend" does not sound like he is good for you at all. Please don't consider getting engaged or married. You are in no position. One step at a time, one day at a time. Go to the ER and spill everything. Maybe they can get you into a detox. Everything else can wait. Don't worry about "needing" painkillers later. Worry about today. Try to sit down and rationalize the road you are taking. It's the road to nowhere. You are worth getting help. Ask for God's or your HP'ers help and take the first step. One time my husband told me, "who do you think God is going to help?, those that just ask and wait for it or those that ask and then do something to help themself. It shows him that you are trying. I am also addicted to pain pills and an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in over 20 years yet started almost immediately on the pain pills. I have been on and off them for just about 20 years. They have a grip on me that is terrifying. When I was drinking I wasn't drunk 24/7 but on these pills its all day every day. Maybe your school has some type of confidential help. Knowing that you are bright and work hard will only want them to help you more. If you go to one place and they don't help or to a doctor and he doesn't take you seriously (like says, just stop it's simple), then you have to go somewhere else. If it's not broke don't fix it, but if it is broke do everything you can to fix it. You are so worth it. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can possibly become a drug/alcohol counselor and help other people or anything else you've every dreamed of. Just because your whole family is sick doesn't mean you are destined to the same. You already recognize this. Keep coming back here and take the first step. It's the most important one!
I so will be praying for you. You got some good advice. Your slowly committing suicide like I was taking all that stuff. Look you said you do not want being an addict to go down on your record that is confidential. Not giving out hints but I still had got so many pills even after the dr knew and you should be concerned on getting clean. Forget the guys right now.You have to focus on yourself and I dont think your self esteem is good. You need to realize YOU matter and have every right to be here like everybody else. I was in rehab with a person that was taking 60 oxys a day. He did it!!! Another thing sweetie seriously you are in need of help right now do not think of being a callgirl. My good friend went that route and ended up commiting suicide cuz it f*****d with her head so much. I think your first step is to get help. One thing at a time. Screw all the other problems you will figure it out with a clearer head. Alot of women choose to have an abortion. Let go of the guilt. The time is right now for you to think only of yourself. It is live or die. Forget the guys everything. Be selfish right now. Put those freaking pills down and get help. Love yourself!! You can do it. Keep us posted! And yes you are in the right place cuz you got alot of advice now go love yourself!!!!!
I was just reading AA's little book called "living sober". It had alot of practical advice. Sounds like it was written just for me. (you too?!) You can heal your life is also a good book for Louise Hay. Love yourself was good advice. Your are one of God's children and he loves you. Start loving yourself. You are so worth it.