After getting the monkey of active addiction off one's back,I guess the next thing that starts to loom large in the mind of every addict is "what next"? As laudable as it is,getting off and staying off drugs is only the exodus,the first step into the promised land. Taking the next step I have found (am finding) is as tricky and in some ways more difficult than it was taking the first.
The first thing I've discovered in my endeavours to stay clean is just this. There isn't some secret one might discover that will assuage the doubts that still are present in a big way. There is no eureka moment;no burning-cross-on-the-road-to-damascus moment of sudden spiritual clarity where all doubts are silenced, all questions are suddenly answered. I've found that quitting drugs is very much a case of psychological momentum. Every day that is spent saying "no" makes it more likely that the next day I will say "no" and continue saying "no". If I were to relapse then the best I can do is try and work out what caused it so I may recognise these "triggers" and avoid/resolve them before they cause the same thing to happen again. It's all much of a much-ness,and more of the same. It's like chanting some Buddhist sutra again and again and again.
Relapsing is very punishing on the mind. One feels so utterly worthless afterwards. All that suffering,all that effort,all amounting to nought just because of one weak moment. Again this I have found adds to the psychological momentum I previously described.For the longer the addict has been clean, the more he has to lose if he were to relapse. Initially,getting clean for the first time after many many years was a shock to the system. It felt strange. An "alien" state of being. But as time has passed, this state of being clean has felt less alien and the memories of the routine/social life/friendships/lifestyle that were all part and parcel of life as an addict has faded enough for it to be almost a little unfamiliar. This was brought home to me when I bumped into some of my old junkie mates the other day. As I walked up to say 'hi' to a group of them (they were out making a raise) a silence fell over the group as I approached. Iy was obvious that they did not wish me to overhear and know what their schemes were. It nailed home in my mind that I was now "an outsider" as far as they were concerned.
There of course have been many positive things. I won't go into them all as it would be tiresome and yawn-inducing to virtually everyone. The best thing has been the bourgeoning relationship with my 3 yr-old daughter. It is going from strength to strength. Where before I was not allowed to have her unsupervised, I now get her one night a week. I have discovered many joys. Things that would seem very mundane like reading her a bedtime story are such a joy. I have so much more to lose vis-a-vis my daughter. She really has changed my whole world and brought me so much happiness.
I will leave it there for now. Would appreciate any feedback and critical observations or outright criticisms for that matter.
Resh.
Hi Reshie
I find your wording very enlightening and so very true reading your thread really put in words how I feel. Reading your wording is like reading my emotions but I could never be able to word it the way you have.
I'm just not good at putting in words how I feel. What I do know is that I am a mess and I have nothing left to loose in my life I am at rock bottom and I have relapsed well never stayed clean for more that a few days to know I can stay clean.
Most of all I am so scared, scared to go back into the world or get a job scared to make friend, well of everything.
And the one thing that scares me the most is not making all my wrongs right, and especially with my 2 beutiful boys. The hatred I have for myself for leaving them hangs heavy in my heart.
Hang in there and all the best of luke
Regards
Jadene
I find your wording very enlightening and so very true reading your thread really put in words how I feel. Reading your wording is like reading my emotions but I could never be able to word it the way you have.
I'm just not good at putting in words how I feel. What I do know is that I am a mess and I have nothing left to loose in my life I am at rock bottom and I have relapsed well never stayed clean for more that a few days to know I can stay clean.
Most of all I am so scared, scared to go back into the world or get a job scared to make friend, well of everything.
And the one thing that scares me the most is not making all my wrongs right, and especially with my 2 beutiful boys. The hatred I have for myself for leaving them hangs heavy in my heart.
Hang in there and all the best of luke
Regards
Jadene
Vis a vis?
Reshie, I don't understand French.
Messing with ya. In fact I feel a tad intimidated by your writing. You're a wonderful writer. A critical thinker.
Alien for sure. The harder part for me was between. Between alien and old Brynda revised. Being alien no problemo. For me it was a good thing. Pishaw on them folks. Plus ya know Reshie there's no "friends" in the drug scene. We're junkie a*s partners in crime. So the alien is O.K. The new revises moi was cool. Things looked brighter, tasted better, smelled stronger and sweeter. Music was WOW.
The between limbo.
So the transition is tricky to say the least. We don't belong. You though are coming through the other side I believe.
Reshie, you with your lil girl and the visits made my day. It truly did. If it did me imagine what it does for her?
You got it, Reshie. You're coming through.
Reshie, I don't understand French.
Messing with ya. In fact I feel a tad intimidated by your writing. You're a wonderful writer. A critical thinker.
Alien for sure. The harder part for me was between. Between alien and old Brynda revised. Being alien no problemo. For me it was a good thing. Pishaw on them folks. Plus ya know Reshie there's no "friends" in the drug scene. We're junkie a*s partners in crime. So the alien is O.K. The new revises moi was cool. Things looked brighter, tasted better, smelled stronger and sweeter. Music was WOW.
The between limbo.
So the transition is tricky to say the least. We don't belong. You though are coming through the other side I believe.
Reshie, you with your lil girl and the visits made my day. It truly did. If it did me imagine what it does for her?
You got it, Reshie. You're coming through.
Hi Reshie,
You sound so much further down the path of recovery than me. Well done with how far you've come and all of your positive words. You are truly an inspiration. A wonderful writer, too. I can just imagine you sitting there with your little girl reading her stories. :)
I wish I had some kind of momentum of getting and staying clean. Why do I want the drugs so much if I want to get clean? If I'm on medication, shouldn't that stop the drug cravings? It seems to just get worse and worse the longer I go until I have to relapse. How do you do it?
Keep up the good work, Reshie!
Hugs,
Rachel
You sound so much further down the path of recovery than me. Well done with how far you've come and all of your positive words. You are truly an inspiration. A wonderful writer, too. I can just imagine you sitting there with your little girl reading her stories. :)
I wish I had some kind of momentum of getting and staying clean. Why do I want the drugs so much if I want to get clean? If I'm on medication, shouldn't that stop the drug cravings? It seems to just get worse and worse the longer I go until I have to relapse. How do you do it?
Keep up the good work, Reshie!
Hugs,
Rachel
Good name for your new thread, reshie...very intriguing.
And Bryn, intimidated by anything...pfffffffft! Go sell that somewhere else...I ain't buying...and there's no writer on these boards with a stronger, more recognizable writer's voice than yours.
Love you guys ~ M&M
And Bryn, intimidated by anything...pfffffffft! Go sell that somewhere else...I ain't buying...and there's no writer on these boards with a stronger, more recognizable writer's voice than yours.
Love you guys ~ M&M
Hi and thanks to everyone for all the lovely things that were written. It is so very much appreciated. Even more so is the feedback.
Jad, I hear you and I know you're finding things really rough. Please don't be fooled by a pretty piece of writing. I never intended to paint a "happy-ever-after" picture of my life. I'll be honest with you. It took almost losing my daughter to shock me into determined action. Last year, on one occasion, I smoked a rock of crack 3 hours before I went to see my little girl. I thought I was back to normal by the time I turned up at her mum's place. Mum didn't pick up on it but my 2 year old daughter did. She came running up to give me a big hug and stopped dead in her tracks. She knew something was not right about me. I was so shocked. How had she been able to see through my act when her mum did not? I never want my daughter to look at me with that look of dread,revulsion and fear ever again. Even writing about it now causes me to hyperventilate with a sharp stabbing pain in my chest. So I really do empathise with the guilt you feel towards your 2 lovely boys. Give yourself a chance Jad. You can only do your best. I have been 6 months clean. I have only just started to put on weight and then only a couple of pounds. It is going to be a struggle. Like I said before, no "eureka" moment. Just doing it one day at a time. Figuring how to cope with one problem at a time. I sometimes think about my daughter that is growing up fast, a new relationship with someone who has a whole heap of problems herself;a very damaged individual if I were to be honest, a job, an income, a home, a life without drugs which lets be honest is just plain scary, and it sends me into a blind panic.Then there is the whole assortment of ancilliary problems to numerous and tedious to list. Keep coming on here. Just pour yourself out on here ok. There are many,myself being one who want to see you get better and succeed. I hope you won't let guilt or self-loathing beat you into despair. Despair is the greatest enemy in my opinion. For if you lose heart, then you have no reason whatsoever for getting or staying clean. Please don't k?
Well Rachel,it doesn't matter if you feel that others on the site are doing better in their recovery than you are,they're not. We all stuggle. And as for someone who's been clean just 6 months like me, it is a real struggle. The only difference is that at 6 weeks clean, every single day is a trial by ordeal, at 6 months, you do have some days that are a respite. But please don't be misled by what I or anyone has written. For my part, if I have given you the impression that life is now a walk in the park, I am truly sorry.You say you're still craving drugs, so am I. Unfortunately we can never "unlearn" what drugs can do for us. It makes us feel better and more alive than anything else. It is knowing this that makes them so damned hard to give up. It's like eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Yes our eyes are opened but we pay a terrible price for that knowledge. The craving will abate. It will diminish. It will lessen. This much is certain. We all need to be very very patient. Some days I think to myself, I haven't so much as smoked pot for six months now. Why am I still thinking about it,wondering if this or that dealer has good gear. Makes no sense whatsoever. I just hang in there and keep going to the meetings and wait for the thoughts to pass. And evenrually they do. The real test for me is when life gives you a kick in the teeth. Oh man! The temptation to run back to the familiar old fail-safe......just intense.
As to MnMore and Brynda, the twin sentinels of humour and largesse that exsist on this website, you are both unique and in much demand. We need people like you both on here. I so agree with M2, Brynda. Your posts often leave me in stitches. Reminds me of Hunter S Thompson's very off-the-wall humour.
As for me, I'm trying to be good to the new people in my life. Trying to be as honest as I can. Many of the people I now associate with are from N.A. which is a fab place as everyone there is in the same boat and nobody judges anybody. I've seen people come in who've relapsed after years of clean time and they are embraced back into the fellowship. Brilliant stuff. I actually look forward to meetings where I used to dread them. I don't pay much attention to the 12 step theology. I go for the fellowship. To sit and be amongst people who want to live a life free of drugs,which in essence is what I want.
Reshie.
Jad, I hear you and I know you're finding things really rough. Please don't be fooled by a pretty piece of writing. I never intended to paint a "happy-ever-after" picture of my life. I'll be honest with you. It took almost losing my daughter to shock me into determined action. Last year, on one occasion, I smoked a rock of crack 3 hours before I went to see my little girl. I thought I was back to normal by the time I turned up at her mum's place. Mum didn't pick up on it but my 2 year old daughter did. She came running up to give me a big hug and stopped dead in her tracks. She knew something was not right about me. I was so shocked. How had she been able to see through my act when her mum did not? I never want my daughter to look at me with that look of dread,revulsion and fear ever again. Even writing about it now causes me to hyperventilate with a sharp stabbing pain in my chest. So I really do empathise with the guilt you feel towards your 2 lovely boys. Give yourself a chance Jad. You can only do your best. I have been 6 months clean. I have only just started to put on weight and then only a couple of pounds. It is going to be a struggle. Like I said before, no "eureka" moment. Just doing it one day at a time. Figuring how to cope with one problem at a time. I sometimes think about my daughter that is growing up fast, a new relationship with someone who has a whole heap of problems herself;a very damaged individual if I were to be honest, a job, an income, a home, a life without drugs which lets be honest is just plain scary, and it sends me into a blind panic.Then there is the whole assortment of ancilliary problems to numerous and tedious to list. Keep coming on here. Just pour yourself out on here ok. There are many,myself being one who want to see you get better and succeed. I hope you won't let guilt or self-loathing beat you into despair. Despair is the greatest enemy in my opinion. For if you lose heart, then you have no reason whatsoever for getting or staying clean. Please don't k?
Well Rachel,it doesn't matter if you feel that others on the site are doing better in their recovery than you are,they're not. We all stuggle. And as for someone who's been clean just 6 months like me, it is a real struggle. The only difference is that at 6 weeks clean, every single day is a trial by ordeal, at 6 months, you do have some days that are a respite. But please don't be misled by what I or anyone has written. For my part, if I have given you the impression that life is now a walk in the park, I am truly sorry.You say you're still craving drugs, so am I. Unfortunately we can never "unlearn" what drugs can do for us. It makes us feel better and more alive than anything else. It is knowing this that makes them so damned hard to give up. It's like eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Yes our eyes are opened but we pay a terrible price for that knowledge. The craving will abate. It will diminish. It will lessen. This much is certain. We all need to be very very patient. Some days I think to myself, I haven't so much as smoked pot for six months now. Why am I still thinking about it,wondering if this or that dealer has good gear. Makes no sense whatsoever. I just hang in there and keep going to the meetings and wait for the thoughts to pass. And evenrually they do. The real test for me is when life gives you a kick in the teeth. Oh man! The temptation to run back to the familiar old fail-safe......just intense.
As to MnMore and Brynda, the twin sentinels of humour and largesse that exsist on this website, you are both unique and in much demand. We need people like you both on here. I so agree with M2, Brynda. Your posts often leave me in stitches. Reminds me of Hunter S Thompson's very off-the-wall humour.
As for me, I'm trying to be good to the new people in my life. Trying to be as honest as I can. Many of the people I now associate with are from N.A. which is a fab place as everyone there is in the same boat and nobody judges anybody. I've seen people come in who've relapsed after years of clean time and they are embraced back into the fellowship. Brilliant stuff. I actually look forward to meetings where I used to dread them. I don't pay much attention to the 12 step theology. I go for the fellowship. To sit and be amongst people who want to live a life free of drugs,which in essence is what I want.
Reshie.
Reshie, just being an old lady mother here...read your response to our dear Brynda about her Darling/Dear Daughter and I'm here to offer unasked-for advice.
Beware a new relationship this soon into your sobriety...you should be taking care of you now...just sayin'...
Now tell me to blow it out my nose and mind my own bidness.
Beware a new relationship this soon into your sobriety...you should be taking care of you now...just sayin'...
Now tell me to blow it out my nose and mind my own bidness.
Hi Reshie,
You sound really positive, i'm glad your going to the meetings and taking what you find useful from them, as you say the fellowship and vibes of people who want to stay clean are very important to stop you feeling isolated as you were before.
Its amazing what kids pick up on isn't it? Adults can be fooled but i think kids just act on instinct, you're doing her proud reshie.
Sending you lots of love xxxx
You sound really positive, i'm glad your going to the meetings and taking what you find useful from them, as you say the fellowship and vibes of people who want to stay clean are very important to stop you feeling isolated as you were before.
Its amazing what kids pick up on isn't it? Adults can be fooled but i think kids just act on instinct, you're doing her proud reshie.
Sending you lots of love xxxx
Hi Lost.
It's nice to hear from you. You sound very much happier and more positive too. I know that you will carry this for the rest of your days to a certain extent seeing as you loved your man so very much. However you can re-build and I'm sure you are. I hope you find much happiness in the life that is yet to come. Such a warm and giving person like yourself I always think is fated to do just so.
Hi M2,
Oh my! No I would never think of telling you to "blow it out your nose". My experience here has taught me that you do not dispense advice willy-nilly. That whatever you say is carefully considered and virtually always turns out to be the correct reading of any given situation. I hear what you say. I'm wondering could you expand on it. Why do you think that it is a little too soon to get involved with someone? I would be most grateful if you would illuminate this particular issue that others have also taken up in the same vein.
Thanks.
Reshie
It's nice to hear from you. You sound very much happier and more positive too. I know that you will carry this for the rest of your days to a certain extent seeing as you loved your man so very much. However you can re-build and I'm sure you are. I hope you find much happiness in the life that is yet to come. Such a warm and giving person like yourself I always think is fated to do just so.
Hi M2,
Oh my! No I would never think of telling you to "blow it out your nose". My experience here has taught me that you do not dispense advice willy-nilly. That whatever you say is carefully considered and virtually always turns out to be the correct reading of any given situation. I hear what you say. I'm wondering could you expand on it. Why do you think that it is a little too soon to get involved with someone? I would be most grateful if you would illuminate this particular issue that others have also taken up in the same vein.
Thanks.
Reshie
