Hey Everyone How's things?
When i was drinking i used to hand over my life and other peoples as well, because effectively when i was in blackout i was a risk to everyone driving the roads, to my alcohol addiction.
I believed whole heartedly that i was evil and that death was the only option to be free, but even then the desire to drink to blackout was stronger than my desire to die (thank God). In blackout i was truely free in my addiction because there was no reality, until i woke up...WHAM REALITY.
My desire now in recovery is to have as much trust in God as i did in blackout. The only obstacle i have is fear in blackout there was none, there was nothing. Now all i have to do is believe in a power greater than blackout and for me that is God...KISS(keep it simple stupid). I can get so caught up in the mind fu*k of worrie at times that i simply forget to say thankyou to God and my guides.
I can play handover tug of war with God at my liesure now, the distance between grabbing things back like my sobriety is getting longer. The biggest thing i grab back is the fear (self doubt), yet i openly walked into bars knowing the damage that would flow out when i was drinking, my faith in booze was nearly perfect.
I 'm starting to ramble but what i'm getting at is I am grateful to the god of my understanding and the journey he and i have in recovery developing my total trust in something that kept me alive when i couldn't myself and i owe it to him and me to stay sober one day at a time.....I sit here typing with tears of gratitude in my eyes and heart because IT IS SO BLOODY GOOD TO BE ALIVE AND SOBER.
Light and love Zac
Zac
awesome post- thanks for sharing that incredibly personal share.
I was home alone last night working on my first step, writing out how my life had become unmanageable. I had put on some music and got my tea and as I was writing out all this stuff I just felt amazed at how long the list was once I started to make it. And when I read back what I wrote it was a a catalogue of misery and despair and emptiness.
One of the things I wrote was how I lost my Force connection (my connection with my HP) how I could no longer feel it, I had begun to doubt whether it even existed, like I felt maybe I had imagined it that it wasn't real - and those feelings brought me to despair when I was drinking. And now I can feel it again and connect with it again.
The really weird thing was, after I finished writing I went and read Chapter 3 aloud to myself and then I was just sitting quietly and suddenly I could barely keep my eyes open I was SO tired and exhausted. I went to bed even though it was only about 8:30pm. I read for a few mins but was asleep by 9pm. I couldn't understand why I was so tired.
Now this morning I think I understand. Writing all that was like a huge emotional outlet and I think it left me exhausted, exploring and just wrting out all that stuff. Maybe that sounds weird but I can't think of any other explanation for why I felt so tired all ofa sudden.
Tonight I'm meeting with my sponsor to finish the first step together. Then we'll go to my home group meeting afterwards. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm really looking forward to doing that tonight.
Idgie
awesome post- thanks for sharing that incredibly personal share.
I was home alone last night working on my first step, writing out how my life had become unmanageable. I had put on some music and got my tea and as I was writing out all this stuff I just felt amazed at how long the list was once I started to make it. And when I read back what I wrote it was a a catalogue of misery and despair and emptiness.
One of the things I wrote was how I lost my Force connection (my connection with my HP) how I could no longer feel it, I had begun to doubt whether it even existed, like I felt maybe I had imagined it that it wasn't real - and those feelings brought me to despair when I was drinking. And now I can feel it again and connect with it again.
The really weird thing was, after I finished writing I went and read Chapter 3 aloud to myself and then I was just sitting quietly and suddenly I could barely keep my eyes open I was SO tired and exhausted. I went to bed even though it was only about 8:30pm. I read for a few mins but was asleep by 9pm. I couldn't understand why I was so tired.
Now this morning I think I understand. Writing all that was like a huge emotional outlet and I think it left me exhausted, exploring and just wrting out all that stuff. Maybe that sounds weird but I can't think of any other explanation for why I felt so tired all ofa sudden.
Tonight I'm meeting with my sponsor to finish the first step together. Then we'll go to my home group meeting afterwards. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm really looking forward to doing that tonight.
Idgie
Thank you Zac and Idgie for your heartfelt posts about Steps 1, 2 and 3. Not by coincidence, me thinks, but I read your posts just after my Sponsee left and we are working Steps 2 and 3 currently. We will finish up very soon. It's nice to see the progress in her, from where she came from a short two months...telling me to F off and that God had abandoned her...constantly arguing with me. I'd just let her rant and rave about everything and say hmmm, okay....now let's pick up the book. After reading sessions we pray the Serenity prayer together holding hands and we know we are going to be okay for that night. She is way more calmer after she leaves my apt than when she arrives ~ God and the Program are working in both our lives and indeed saved both of our lives...I'm learning so much from her! In gratitude.........
Hey thanks Idgie and VWG
Idgie i am an empath so i soak up all feelings an example was when my wife was pregnant i rang her up and asked her to take something for her indigestion as it was killing me LOL. And you are bang on about why you were tired, i done the same after i posted.
Hey VWG i take my wizard hat off to you with the challenge you have with your sponsee, keep at it and whatever happens they now know that they have options. I have sponsored people who are still sober, back drinking and 1 who suicided. We don't get many newcomers at my home meeting(all 4 or 5 regulars) and I havn't had a sponsor since year 1 so i don't really know the process, I'm more a keep going to meetings and my phones on the wall 24/7 and you know where i live etc and talk, talk, talk.
Light and love Zac
Idgie i am an empath so i soak up all feelings an example was when my wife was pregnant i rang her up and asked her to take something for her indigestion as it was killing me LOL. And you are bang on about why you were tired, i done the same after i posted.
Hey VWG i take my wizard hat off to you with the challenge you have with your sponsee, keep at it and whatever happens they now know that they have options. I have sponsored people who are still sober, back drinking and 1 who suicided. We don't get many newcomers at my home meeting(all 4 or 5 regulars) and I havn't had a sponsor since year 1 so i don't really know the process, I'm more a keep going to meetings and my phones on the wall 24/7 and you know where i live etc and talk, talk, talk.
Light and love Zac
Hey Zac,
You are a champion, look how much ya helped this hopless drunk!
even though it was a few yrs from my first try, you where still there to help me again, I appreciate that man,
You know I was thinking today out of the general drinking hoki boys, You and I would have been the last ones anyone would have thought that would get and stay sober for any lenght of time.....wonder who will be next?
Take care my freind hello to Your wife,
Ginge
You are a champion, look how much ya helped this hopless drunk!
even though it was a few yrs from my first try, you where still there to help me again, I appreciate that man,
You know I was thinking today out of the general drinking hoki boys, You and I would have been the last ones anyone would have thought that would get and stay sober for any lenght of time.....wonder who will be next?
Take care my freind hello to Your wife,
Ginge
Hey Ginge the one thing i like about helping is it goes both ways and i get just as much out of our talks as you do, hey i can feel the happiness in your posts and the excitement of life and being sober. Ginge save up that gratitude store bits away and give the rest away like you are doing and isn't it awesome being the person we were mean't to be sober and caring.
Ginge the beauty of what we are doing is that we are planting little seeds of hope in the minds of a lot of the boys we left at the pissa one day when they are ready the questions will come(sober) as you know they are only inquiring when drunk at the moment.
The world is your oyster Ginge....enjoy.
Light and love Zac
Ginge the beauty of what we are doing is that we are planting little seeds of hope in the minds of a lot of the boys we left at the pissa one day when they are ready the questions will come(sober) as you know they are only inquiring when drunk at the moment.
The world is your oyster Ginge....enjoy.
Light and love Zac
