Falling

I felt pretty good all last week. Actually there were times that I felt really good. I have to admit, I had a really tough time this weekend. I got through it though. I fully expect to have good days and bad days. Everyone does.

After such an amazing week, I started letting the guilt slip in to my head. I know it sounds stupid. But it is honest. Why shouldnt I be allowed to laugh, to feel good? I cant get that through my head though. Im working on it.

The guilty feelings have started a downward spiral and now I feel like s***. It will pass. Logically, I know it will. Im just trying to ride it out and wait for a better day. All I want to do is shut all the curtains, keep myself isolated, and get totally f***ed up tonight. Thats what I want to do. Im not going to let myself do that though. Instead Im going to suck it up and force myself to go about living. Im going to step outside on this brilliantly sunny evening and cook dinner for my kids. Then Im going to go to bed early and look forward to better days ahead. I will get through this string of bad days and come out of it a little bit stronger.

In the meantime, Im going to repeat the following phrase in my head over and over until I start really believing it:

I am allowed to be happy. I am worthy of it.
I am allowed to be happy. I am worthy of it.
I am allowed to be happy. I am worthy of it.

P.S. Alice, thank you so much for the book! I received it Saturday and, while I glanced through it a little bit, I think I need to take it to bed with me tonight and spend some time really reading it. Its the exact kind of book I wouldve bought for myself. Thank you!
You are so worth it Jodi. Look yourself in the mirror and say it three times. To ride it out? It doesn't have to be a struggle. Go to a meeting. Share about how your feeling. You might help someone else that day and if that doesn't make you feel good, I don't know what will.

By the way, I'm so proud of you.
Hey Jodi. So glad you made it through a rough weekend. I posted on Paula's thread to her but I could have said the same thing to you. So I added your name. Keep on keeping on. I can't stress enough how much meetings will help you especially in the beginning when you are still so fragile. Please get yourself to a meeting tomorrow.
Jodi, that deep seeded sense of guilt and sadness is probably at the core of your addiction issues. Believe it or not, your being able to acknowledge those feelings is a sign that you are getting better. I know it really feels bad right now, but if we do not allow ourselves to feel this stuff, we cannot be healed.

Your addict wants you to isolate, Jodi. If you are isolated, the voices that tell you that you are less than will prevail and you will drink/use to numb the pain.

I liked your affirmations, and I encourage you to stand in the mirror each day and say them. I might change them just a bit:

I deserve to be happy.
I am a worthy of being loved.
Booze and drugs do not bring me happiness.
Booze and drugs do not bring me love.

Jodi, your recovery is waiting for you in the rooms. Time to suit up and show up.

All the best,

August
How are you doing today, Jodi?

xoxo
Stacey
Hi Jodie...I am glad to see that you are doing good. There wil be good and bad days so when you have the good ones know that you so deserve it and are very much worth it!
So have you been to a meeting?