Need direction on what to do about my bother who fell off the wagon after 18 years a couple months ago and got mad over a 10.00 thing and cussed out my husband and me. We haven't spoke in 2 mos.He's been my bother for 52 years I love and miss him and want to help. I believe we have to love people back to health but don't know where to start. I want to call and tell him all this but fear he will be loaded can forgive and forget but my husband is looking for an apology
I'm sorry to here this but try to imagine how your brother feels, I am new in recovery and relapsed after 5 months, I was so proud of myself for making it 5 months so I can imagine how he feels after being clean for eighteen years. This can't be easy for any of you but try to be as supportive as you can and maybe you and your husband should get some education through al anon or another support system for your own and his benefit even if you have done it before. They teach us in my Intensive Outpatient Therapy Group that when one person is in recovery the whole family has to go through recovery also. It's a family disease. I understand if you have to make tough choices when its hurting the family but just try and educate yourself and be as supportive as you can. I wish my family was around because its a lonely world out there especially when your in recovery.
posted by 8seconds
As a recoverying addict, I hate to tell you this, but,eeek here it goes, love has NOTHING to do with it. You cannot love someone back to health. Think about the statement you just made. It implies that you didn't love your brother before, that you withheld your love and now you are going to give it to him and he will get better. Well, I can bet that you always loved your brother and prooobably didn't withold it either? So why is he sick? Because he is sick, because it is his illness. His perceptions and reactions, not your "lack of actions" Scary to say but as the Al-Anon credo goes you DIDN'T cause it, you CAN'T control it and you WILL NOT cure it. Note the negatives there. It is because Al-Anon is a bunch of grognards? No....its because they have been there, done that and know better...
Its can be quite scary to realize that one is watching a loved one perform a slow, highly inefficient form of suicide and not be able to do a d*** thing about it, but those are the people who have the most accurate perception of what is going on.
The ones who will "love them back into health" or "help them recover" or "fix them" or whatever....they are trying to hold on to the hope that they have some control over the matter. If that makes you feel better so be it, but the credit...and the responsibility.... for recovery will be your brother's alone.
Sorry to be so..."negative" but there is no point in pretending its a sunny day when there is a blizzard outside (which we are actually having right now)
| QUOTE |
I believe we have to love people back to health but don't know where to start. |
As a recoverying addict, I hate to tell you this, but,eeek here it goes, love has NOTHING to do with it. You cannot love someone back to health. Think about the statement you just made. It implies that you didn't love your brother before, that you withheld your love and now you are going to give it to him and he will get better. Well, I can bet that you always loved your brother and prooobably didn't withold it either? So why is he sick? Because he is sick, because it is his illness. His perceptions and reactions, not your "lack of actions" Scary to say but as the Al-Anon credo goes you DIDN'T cause it, you CAN'T control it and you WILL NOT cure it. Note the negatives there. It is because Al-Anon is a bunch of grognards? No....its because they have been there, done that and know better...
Its can be quite scary to realize that one is watching a loved one perform a slow, highly inefficient form of suicide and not be able to do a d*** thing about it, but those are the people who have the most accurate perception of what is going on.
The ones who will "love them back into health" or "help them recover" or "fix them" or whatever....they are trying to hold on to the hope that they have some control over the matter. If that makes you feel better so be it, but the credit...and the responsibility.... for recovery will be your brother's alone.
Sorry to be so..."negative" but there is no point in pretending its a sunny day when there is a blizzard outside (which we are actually having right now)
Gidday 8seconds
Sorry to hear about your Brother and hopefully he knows enough about recovery to know the doors swing both ways and he can get back to a meeting,although it sounds like he may of not been going to them?
All you can do is be there for him as a sister and friend, he has to do the hard yards and untill resentment leaves his focus and recovery returns, the ride maybe bumpy, the love you have for him is cool and it may take many forms over the next months, tough, unconditional, stepping back, tearful, joyful.....you care and as long as that caring doesnt get you hurt, keep sending him love.
Maybe you could go along to Alanon to sort out some coping tools so that you are not being hurt by whatever is happening.
When i was drinking it was easiest to hurt the ones i loved because i knew i could when i was hurting, i always knew they loved me but i needed them to hate me ( in my mind) because it made the drinking easier.
light and love Zac
Sorry to hear about your Brother and hopefully he knows enough about recovery to know the doors swing both ways and he can get back to a meeting,although it sounds like he may of not been going to them?
All you can do is be there for him as a sister and friend, he has to do the hard yards and untill resentment leaves his focus and recovery returns, the ride maybe bumpy, the love you have for him is cool and it may take many forms over the next months, tough, unconditional, stepping back, tearful, joyful.....you care and as long as that caring doesnt get you hurt, keep sending him love.
Maybe you could go along to Alanon to sort out some coping tools so that you are not being hurt by whatever is happening.
When i was drinking it was easiest to hurt the ones i loved because i knew i could when i was hurting, i always knew they loved me but i needed them to hate me ( in my mind) because it made the drinking easier.
light and love Zac
Alanon and Families Anonymous has been my saving grace in all of my relationships.....
Check out this observation. How To Help An Alcoholic
The Big Book, Chapter 2 explains that, strangely enough, people close to the alcoholic are least likely to be successful in helping. Those who've been in The Program know that they only have today, and if someone decides they don't need it anymore, they're destined to go back out. It's a callous business, this sobriety thing. And selfish on both sides of the disease from my experience.
The Big Book, Chapter 2 explains that, strangely enough, people close to the alcoholic are least likely to be successful in helping. Those who've been in The Program know that they only have today, and if someone decides they don't need it anymore, they're destined to go back out. It's a callous business, this sobriety thing. And selfish on both sides of the disease from my experience.
