I can't stop thinking about how all of this is a new reality for my partner too. And I'm so freaked out that she has experienced so much of what I experienced with my brother's addictions and I don't want to be that person and I don't want her to have to go through this too. I feel so guilty right now I can hardly stand it. She supports me all the time and tries so hard - but she's feeling bad about the times she had enabled me even though we both know what that is and intellectually know how to NOT do it. But I don't want that responsibility to be on her.... but it's too late for that now and I hate it. Or like, these past 2 weeks after I "came out" with this I have been so completely depressed (on the upswing now) and could barely move, and I hate myself for being that way with her when she is trying so hard. Sometimes I just wish I could take this all back. Go all the way back to the beginning of everything in my life..... But somehow I don't think things would have gone any differently.
Gah.
SP
Take a deep breath ok.....
What you are feeling I saw with my husband and the guilt she is carrying I carried as well.....And I shouldn't have....But it took some time learn that this wasn't my life, it was his. He had every right to live how he wanted, I had that same right. To stay and watch and not loss my soul as well I had to change, and work on me. Get that I didn't have any control, that I couldn't fix....Enabling and not enabling....that is a fine line. I wondered if by even staying that I enabled as I went about life and treated him how I would want to be treated. Frankly there was no reason not to. He wasn't evil, he just loved his heroin.....And from there it is a fight to stay balanced, and happy and healthy for me, not for him.
Guilt, shame and blame placed upon, felt by, so allow this disease the leeway it needs to run crazy on all sides. And even after those in our lives get better we on this side can still be sick.....She did what she did, even though she may think it was wrong because she did. Nothing more. In no way did she cause any of this. Addiction is what became for you by your actions. She never forced anything down your throat, and she sure has hell had no control to stop or so called fix you. Only you had that power.
And on the flip side she had the power to leave at any time, and chose not to. That doesn't mean anything more then this is what she wanted to do. YOU can not take on that guilt....In time as you move forward you will work a lot of this out, all those feelings that right now could be a danger to you.....Oh addiction loves chaos in the mind.....And you will see what you were, how you changed, and where you need to make amends. Once made that is it, you move on. This process can be fast, slow, but as long as you keeping working on you, you will find the way....
You both deserve a good life. Keep working on you, and she should be on herself. Does he have any support for herself, from the other side of things? It is important and will help her to see that there was no way she had any control over anyone but herself....Them three c's, didn't cause, can't cure, have no control. Words I live by.....
I hope this makes some sense.
Take good care of you....
Love,
Tina
What you are feeling I saw with my husband and the guilt she is carrying I carried as well.....And I shouldn't have....But it took some time learn that this wasn't my life, it was his. He had every right to live how he wanted, I had that same right. To stay and watch and not loss my soul as well I had to change, and work on me. Get that I didn't have any control, that I couldn't fix....Enabling and not enabling....that is a fine line. I wondered if by even staying that I enabled as I went about life and treated him how I would want to be treated. Frankly there was no reason not to. He wasn't evil, he just loved his heroin.....And from there it is a fight to stay balanced, and happy and healthy for me, not for him.
Guilt, shame and blame placed upon, felt by, so allow this disease the leeway it needs to run crazy on all sides. And even after those in our lives get better we on this side can still be sick.....She did what she did, even though she may think it was wrong because she did. Nothing more. In no way did she cause any of this. Addiction is what became for you by your actions. She never forced anything down your throat, and she sure has hell had no control to stop or so called fix you. Only you had that power.
And on the flip side she had the power to leave at any time, and chose not to. That doesn't mean anything more then this is what she wanted to do. YOU can not take on that guilt....In time as you move forward you will work a lot of this out, all those feelings that right now could be a danger to you.....Oh addiction loves chaos in the mind.....And you will see what you were, how you changed, and where you need to make amends. Once made that is it, you move on. This process can be fast, slow, but as long as you keeping working on you, you will find the way....
You both deserve a good life. Keep working on you, and she should be on herself. Does he have any support for herself, from the other side of things? It is important and will help her to see that there was no way she had any control over anyone but herself....Them three c's, didn't cause, can't cure, have no control. Words I live by.....
I hope this makes some sense.
Take good care of you....
Love,
Tina
SP,what youre feeling is only natural.And same goes for her.You will both adjust,give it time.As long as you love each other,you;ll both make it through.Congrats on :coming out:...things will improve each day.The two of you stay close,speak your minds,dont hold it in.Good luck~KIM
