Why is it my dad thinks he can just talk to me like I'm a piece of crap? He's not even funny... it's just sad that's the only way he can interact with me... if it's not going his way then he'll start the abuse and getting upset. I asked him not to speak to me in a certain tone because I didn't like it and felt it was disrespectful to me and all I got back was "no one can say anything to you can they" not when it's rude and insulting... I don't have to put up with that... I'm fed up. My mum put on an Oscar winning performance for the Psych today... all simpers and we really care about you crap. I never know where I stand with that woman from one day to the next and I'm sick of it. It's all made out to be my fault everything that goes wrong... I'm fed up being the scapegoat. She can be the ice queen one minute then it's all are you ok??
I know my dad hates having me around... he's always saying other people's kids haven't turned out like this... yeah and them what don't weren't getting their asses kicked for shedding a few tears when they were 5 year old were they and they don't have BPD either... all that he's conveniently forgotten about... dickhead.
I'm not coping this week at all... I even went back to cutting myself again coz if it wasn't that I'd be banging my head literally against a brick wall because of all the crap that's going on right now...I'd just like one day where poeple aren't slagging me off and telling me how much I need to change. I know I need to change but I don't need all their crap to put up with. That is not fair on me one bit. I'm trying my hardest to be the best i can and it all comes crashing down when I don't laugh at one of his many jibes at me coz then he gets angry and it all happens over again...
The only way i can describe how I'm feeling right now is it's one of those weeks where I could smash a whole pile of plates at the wall and not get fed up of it... I could scream I am so mad...
Hi Izzy.
At the end of your post you said you could scream youre that mad. Thats not a bad way to get the anger out of your system. Many times in early recovery I had to go out on the back veranda and cuss the world. And there where a few chairs that ended up being thrown down the back yard as well. Its o/k to be mad it will pass.
One of the reasons sites like this and the AA meetings I go to work are because. We are not all mad on the same Day. And theres always someone who will listen and maybe able to change the thrust of my thinking.
The hardest place I found to work on my recovery was in my own home, before I came into recovery and in the beginning there where lots of arguments and screaming matches our house must have been the loudest in the street. But its nothing like that today we have a new freedom and a new happiness.
I can relate to your post in so many ways but there is hope. Keep posting dont let your thoughts manifest into huge resentments we dont need resentments.
I dont know if anything I said as helped but I care.
Youre Wanted Needed and Loved.
God bless.
Lionel
At the end of your post you said you could scream youre that mad. Thats not a bad way to get the anger out of your system. Many times in early recovery I had to go out on the back veranda and cuss the world. And there where a few chairs that ended up being thrown down the back yard as well. Its o/k to be mad it will pass.
One of the reasons sites like this and the AA meetings I go to work are because. We are not all mad on the same Day. And theres always someone who will listen and maybe able to change the thrust of my thinking.
The hardest place I found to work on my recovery was in my own home, before I came into recovery and in the beginning there where lots of arguments and screaming matches our house must have been the loudest in the street. But its nothing like that today we have a new freedom and a new happiness.
I can relate to your post in so many ways but there is hope. Keep posting dont let your thoughts manifest into huge resentments we dont need resentments.
I dont know if anything I said as helped but I care.
Youre Wanted Needed and Loved.
God bless.
Lionel
Izzy, sorry things are bad with your folks... Lionel is right, if screaming will help maybe you should. Just don't forget what you told me - you have a lot to give. I hope you will stop the cutting, like I said there was a time where I did it too and i know it feels like a release but it's still harming yourself and you are worth more than that, and in the end it wont leave you with anything but scars.
Sending lots of love, keep posting if it helps you get it all out...
Sending lots of love, keep posting if it helps you get it all out...
Dear Izzy, So sorry to hear about the problems with your parents, like the saying goes, you can pick your friends, but not your family that's always a real tough one, venting is a good things hun, if you have to scream at the top of your lungs do it!! please don't inflict hurt on yourself, you are hurting enough inside, and much to beautiful of a person. We are hear, take care hun, you are in my prayers...
Love and hugs,
lovedove
Love and hugs,
lovedove
Hi Lionel. Thanks for your post. I can relate a lot to the screaming matches and shouting. There is a lot of that here... mainly between myself and my dad because we don't get on. He's very resentful of me and my childhood and everything that passed between us. He wasn't a very good dad he's terminally ill and he blames me for it. It's not my fault... I didn't inject him with anything you know? To everyone else... sometimes I feel like I come across as a bit immature which I probably am... it comes with the territory of BPD. I can't seem to get it across to my parents that they have to make an effort also with me... not to resort to the foul blame and criticism they (my dad mostly) lavished on me as a small child. Just tonight my dad found a leak in the grout round the bath and blamed me my mum and my sis for it... it is a leak simple as... it can be fixed... but he resorted to shouting and swearing at me and my mum. I got very angry but kept it to myself as I accepted he was tired and needed to go to bed. Although it was out of order...
I used to be able to take all this crap but since I realised my dad aint the saint I thought he was... I just think f*** it. f*** you... you know. If you wanna be a miserable git don't inflict it on everyone else. It's not fair. And I think that's pretty adult....
He wants to know everything that goes on. Everything that's said... he's insecure and I see that. I see his mother in him too. She used to hit me for no reason when I was small... she's dead now but she lives on in him.... that same vileness.
I don't feel I can vent my frustrations anywhere else... so i appreciate you all being patient with me. I shall be happy again soon... as is always the way.
Izzy X
I used to be able to take all this crap but since I realised my dad aint the saint I thought he was... I just think f*** it. f*** you... you know. If you wanna be a miserable git don't inflict it on everyone else. It's not fair. And I think that's pretty adult....
He wants to know everything that goes on. Everything that's said... he's insecure and I see that. I see his mother in him too. She used to hit me for no reason when I was small... she's dead now but she lives on in him.... that same vileness.
I don't feel I can vent my frustrations anywhere else... so i appreciate you all being patient with me. I shall be happy again soon... as is always the way.
Izzy X
Hey Izzy your Dad is angry at the world for his illness and unfortunately the people in his world are family. If he picks on you he probably gets the response he is looking for anger, hurt or an arguement. PAUSE and POISE if you can when he starts up go for a walk or try and not raise your voice also give him no sign you are hurt. In my case i turn fear into anger and i think that is going on for your Dad. Scream into your pillow if you have nowhere private to do so.
Are all your meds up to date for BPD and do you take them regular? as few people i know with BPD tend to skip meds and this does have an effect.
Next time you feel like cutting try and log on and post also read the gratitude thread every post.
Your Dad will move onto the next prisoner if he starts getting no response.
Keep posting and try not to go into your head alone negatively.
Light and love Zac
Are all your meds up to date for BPD and do you take them regular? as few people i know with BPD tend to skip meds and this does have an effect.
Next time you feel like cutting try and log on and post also read the gratitude thread every post.
Your Dad will move onto the next prisoner if he starts getting no response.
Keep posting and try not to go into your head alone negatively.
Light and love Zac
