Hi Everyone
Im feeling really bad today. Ive heard that you can relapse long before you pick up (ie. in your mind youve already used). Well last night I had a big fat screw up. I was craving real badly and I knew that I had no more pills left from when I last used cos I chucked them. So I made a plan to get some out of the medicine cupboard from one of the open bottles there. I debated with myself for about an hour whether or not I felt like messing up what Ive achieved and it ended up that my craving just got the better of me So I went to shower and I closed the bathroom door and looked for the pill bottle which I knew was there (Id seen it the previous week) and discovered that it was sealed. I then knew that my mom had purposely left it sealed so I couldnt use it. I was so angry, even now Im angry. But I dont know what came over me dont know why I am wanting to use so much lately. Now Im basically only clean by default and Im really upset about it I knew that there would come a time where I would have a total lapse in thought and decide to use and last night was that time. I feel as bad as though I had used, because if those pills had been open, no doubt in my mind I wouldve been very high last night. Im trying to ignore it today, but there will be a time coming where I have to face up to what is going on with me. I dont know what it is, but what if next time the pills have been opened? Then what? Now tonight I have to go tell my home group what happened because if I dont I feel like Im hiding something its gonna be so embarrassing
I feel yuk
sa,
cravings happen... they just do.. they are the nature of the beast... it is important to try to look at any things that might have sparked it but if it is not readily appearant... then maybe more important is ... 'what didnt you do when it hit to stop the action before you might have used..' like gone to a meeting.. or called someone.. or wrote a list of pros and cons... or just anything... to short circuit the craving before it became a relapse... as far as it not being a relapse by default...who cares... it wasnt so thank your mom (or who ever) and your Higher Power.. and move on... and most definately go and share it....
secrets do keep us sick...
this was a gift a lesson to learn with .... dont beat yourself up over it.. take from it what you need and move on and keep working..
God Bless..
Teresa
cravings happen... they just do.. they are the nature of the beast... it is important to try to look at any things that might have sparked it but if it is not readily appearant... then maybe more important is ... 'what didnt you do when it hit to stop the action before you might have used..' like gone to a meeting.. or called someone.. or wrote a list of pros and cons... or just anything... to short circuit the craving before it became a relapse... as far as it not being a relapse by default...who cares... it wasnt so thank your mom (or who ever) and your Higher Power.. and move on... and most definately go and share it....
secrets do keep us sick...
this was a gift a lesson to learn with .... dont beat yourself up over it.. take from it what you need and move on and keep working..
God Bless..
Teresa
Oh boy, you're post reminded me.....We were out at some friends' dinner party last weekend, I went to use their bathroom and.....yup, checked the medicine cabinet. Not because I wanted to use, just curious, old habit, whatever. Bad idea. I know better. But I look at admitting this as "telling on my disease," as others have put it. Theresa's right -- secrets keep us sick. My addiction is insidious as hell; it seems to strengthen and grow in the darkness of non-disclosure.
I'm glad the meds were sealed by your mother -- we've all had those little reprieves, I think.<wink> As T suggests, it can be a learning experience, i.e., what can or will you do next time a similar urge hits? Think it through and plan now, and maybe better thinking and action will prevail next time. Thanks for sharing your experience; it helped me disclose mine. M.
I'm glad the meds were sealed by your mother -- we've all had those little reprieves, I think.<wink> As T suggests, it can be a learning experience, i.e., what can or will you do next time a similar urge hits? Think it through and plan now, and maybe better thinking and action will prevail next time. Thanks for sharing your experience; it helped me disclose mine. M.
Hey,
Well I did tell the group and as usual all I got from them was a big fat bowl of concern! How can I feel so alone sometimes when there are loads of people who love me to death?! Its crazy...
Anyways, I'm going away with some friends this weekend and I was real worried about the booze that will definitely pop up, but after the meeting I now don't feel so worried about it. I now know that its no use worrying now about it otherwise it'll put my whole life on hold. Whats that saying... - don't regret the past, don't be afraid of the future, just enjoy the present... I don't know, something like that. And also if you focus too much on the future you will completely miss whats happening around you. I suck with sayings, but you get the picture.
I had a good three days at work this week, very very busy, but I'm now gonna be off until Monday (yay) which is totally fabulous cos I urgently need the rest...
keep smiling,
angie
Well I did tell the group and as usual all I got from them was a big fat bowl of concern! How can I feel so alone sometimes when there are loads of people who love me to death?! Its crazy...
Anyways, I'm going away with some friends this weekend and I was real worried about the booze that will definitely pop up, but after the meeting I now don't feel so worried about it. I now know that its no use worrying now about it otherwise it'll put my whole life on hold. Whats that saying... - don't regret the past, don't be afraid of the future, just enjoy the present... I don't know, something like that. And also if you focus too much on the future you will completely miss whats happening around you. I suck with sayings, but you get the picture.
I had a good three days at work this week, very very busy, but I'm now gonna be off until Monday (yay) which is totally fabulous cos I urgently need the rest...
keep smiling,
angie
