So...nothing new to report. The train keeps barreling forward.
I have had a lot of heartache in my life. I finally felt like the last few months, things were falling in place to have a smooth section. Wrong. :)
Anyway, I feel very selfish but I want to enjoy my life. I want to enjoy the rest of my family, the beautiful days, etc. I want to be happy with my other kids when things are going on for them. I want to enjoy camping or travel.
But, it is so hard when my son (arg) is so in danger. I feel like I should not be happy. I feel horribly guilty. I almost feel like I need to be miserable because he is (although he is not-he is cocky and riding that train right now).
Does anyone else feel this way? Anyone have some suggestions?
you are having "enabling" withdrawal symptoms. Depending on how strong you are and your individual addiction --withdrawal from your addict can take a long time!
Just like the addicts withdrawal, we enablers withdraw too! Yes--guilt is one of the withdrawal symptoms. It is very difficult and we have triggers just like them. Mine is certain movies, songs, seeing other mom's with their non-addicted and loving sons, hearing my friends brag on the accomplishments of their kids, looking at old photos of him, etc. Any of those can bring me to despair and tears. Only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I have a 15 y/o adopted handicapped son and an elderly husband that need me.
Hang in there and don't buckle and start it all over again because just like our addicts, you will have to go through withdrawal all over again and it is painful every time!
((((HUGS))) Lori
Just like the addicts withdrawal, we enablers withdraw too! Yes--guilt is one of the withdrawal symptoms. It is very difficult and we have triggers just like them. Mine is certain movies, songs, seeing other mom's with their non-addicted and loving sons, hearing my friends brag on the accomplishments of their kids, looking at old photos of him, etc. Any of those can bring me to despair and tears. Only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I have a 15 y/o adopted handicapped son and an elderly husband that need me.
Hang in there and don't buckle and start it all over again because just like our addicts, you will have to go through withdrawal all over again and it is painful every time!
((((HUGS))) Lori
I don't think your being selfish. You deserve some happiness. I do understand how you feel though. We took a family vacation over the summer and I felt horrible my son wasn't with us. I even made sure it wasn't mentioned when he called. But I had to remind myself that he wasn't with us because of HIS actions and choices. I didn't put him where he is. His bad choices put him there. So as much as it's understandable you feel that way... your other children and family deserve a " happy" you. YOU deserve a happy you! I have stopped bringing my addict son up in conversation as much as possible. 1.... because I think everyone is tired of hearing it. And 2... because I need some happiness especially when around my other son and family. They need happiness too!
It does get a bit easier once you are able to sort of accept that this is what it is and it's his choice. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. It just means you can start to live your life again.
Baby steps!
Good luck
Hugs for you!
Lisa
It does get a bit easier once you are able to sort of accept that this is what it is and it's his choice. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. It just means you can start to live your life again.
Baby steps!
Good luck
Hugs for you!
Lisa
Thanks, guys. I even told myself today to think of him as a person, not my son. It's like I had to have that separation. I just could not deal with it anymore.
I do need to stay strong!! I need to be present in my life. I think someone here mentioned thinking of him as a person not my son and it REALLY does help. Would I tolerate behavior like his at work? at the store? From a boyfriend? Hell, no. So, just cause he is my son does not give him a pass.
I was able to get away and enjoy a few hours today. I turned my phone off and just took a mental break.
I do need to stay strong!! I need to be present in my life. I think someone here mentioned thinking of him as a person not my son and it REALLY does help. Would I tolerate behavior like his at work? at the store? From a boyfriend? Hell, no. So, just cause he is my son does not give him a pass.
I was able to get away and enjoy a few hours today. I turned my phone off and just took a mental break.
Good for you! Try to do it more often! Whatever it may be.. pedicure. Manicure. Walk around a store. Get a cup of coffee. Anything! You need it and deserve it. And it will get easier!
It's a little mental and emotional vacation.
Lisa
It's a little mental and emotional vacation.
Lisa
I understand how you feel guilty about trying to be happy.
my husband and I were away with friends for a week during our son's birthday. He does not live at home and I sent him a few small practical gifts the week before we left. I felt guilty that we were on vacation while he was struggling 1000 miles away. but he wasnt a train wreak at that time, so he did not make us feel bad about it. we managed a phone call on his birthday.
Sometimes I do think of me going to store and buying what ever food I want, yet my son struggles to eat.... his choice, his priority system. I dont feel guilty, but a little sad. and then I think "I hope some day my son is happily going to the store to buy food"
I remember thoughts of wishing I was sick, both because I would have a better reason not to be able to 'help' my son. (a better reason then... 'I dont want to help you anymore" ... and maybe if I was very sick he would feel compassion and stop putting his addiction first...... I had to realize I did not want to be sick in order for my son to choose recovery. And I realized that it would probably not happen any way.
at one point my other children and I were discussing the dilemma about talking to their brother on the phone.... he does not have anything good to report, anything they are doing sounds like they are bragging and makes him feel bad and makes them feel bad because of the contrast of their life styles..... so they end up with nothing to say..... can't talk about his life because it is depressing, cant talk about our life because we dont want to make him feel badly about what we are doing compared to the struggle he is having....
of course the other side of that is to keep telling him what we are doing, so he has motivation to get out of what he is doing.... just thoughts, not advice. his younger siblings are beginning to surpass him - maybe that will be a motivator... idk
my husband and I were away with friends for a week during our son's birthday. He does not live at home and I sent him a few small practical gifts the week before we left. I felt guilty that we were on vacation while he was struggling 1000 miles away. but he wasnt a train wreak at that time, so he did not make us feel bad about it. we managed a phone call on his birthday.
Sometimes I do think of me going to store and buying what ever food I want, yet my son struggles to eat.... his choice, his priority system. I dont feel guilty, but a little sad. and then I think "I hope some day my son is happily going to the store to buy food"
I remember thoughts of wishing I was sick, both because I would have a better reason not to be able to 'help' my son. (a better reason then... 'I dont want to help you anymore" ... and maybe if I was very sick he would feel compassion and stop putting his addiction first...... I had to realize I did not want to be sick in order for my son to choose recovery. And I realized that it would probably not happen any way.
at one point my other children and I were discussing the dilemma about talking to their brother on the phone.... he does not have anything good to report, anything they are doing sounds like they are bragging and makes him feel bad and makes them feel bad because of the contrast of their life styles..... so they end up with nothing to say..... can't talk about his life because it is depressing, cant talk about our life because we dont want to make him feel badly about what we are doing compared to the struggle he is having....
of course the other side of that is to keep telling him what we are doing, so he has motivation to get out of what he is doing.... just thoughts, not advice. his younger siblings are beginning to surpass him - maybe that will be a motivator... idk
my son has been to rehab twice in the past 2 years - about 45 days each time. so I know he knows what he needs to know about addiction and recovery. This has helped me to not feel so guilty.
He even says he knows what he has to do.... and then he tries, but daily life is too much to navigate.... or he tries for a week and then gives up, when he needs to try for a year....
He even says he knows what he has to do.... and then he tries, but daily life is too much to navigate.... or he tries for a week and then gives up, when he needs to try for a year....
NY - I have to comment on what you said about wishing you were sick so it would give you an excuse not to enable. I understand that thought but it probably wouldn't work anyway.
I was recently very sick and in the hospital. It was pretty serious and there was a long recovery period. The whole time, my son continued to call me and ask for money. It was as if nothing had changed at all. He was compassionate..."How are you doing Mom?", but then the next breath was "Can you give me?". I found out later that my family stepped in as a buffer so he wouldn't bother me while I recovered. They wanted me to focus on me. It was an eye opener. I was pretty upset because I didn't want anyone to be giving him money after I die. It was bad enough that I was doing it now! That was one of the moments that made me think that I didn't want to be an enabler until I die. That is a pretty terrible way to leave this earth. I had to be stronger and start saying 'no'. Otherwise, my son would cry for awhile if I was gone and then move on to use someone else. Enabling is not a legacy you want to pass down to the family. I needed to set a better example for everyone.
I was recently very sick and in the hospital. It was pretty serious and there was a long recovery period. The whole time, my son continued to call me and ask for money. It was as if nothing had changed at all. He was compassionate..."How are you doing Mom?", but then the next breath was "Can you give me?". I found out later that my family stepped in as a buffer so he wouldn't bother me while I recovered. They wanted me to focus on me. It was an eye opener. I was pretty upset because I didn't want anyone to be giving him money after I die. It was bad enough that I was doing it now! That was one of the moments that made me think that I didn't want to be an enabler until I die. That is a pretty terrible way to leave this earth. I had to be stronger and start saying 'no'. Otherwise, my son would cry for awhile if I was gone and then move on to use someone else. Enabling is not a legacy you want to pass down to the family. I needed to set a better example for everyone.
Yes, you are right. I figured it wouldnt be a deterrent. After I would think that, I would realize its pretty crappy to have to think like that, there must be a better way.
