Hi Im new here. My partner is addicted to opiates and has just had a relapse. I found out about his addiction in March. He owed thousands of dollars to some very bad people. For mine and my daughters sake my dad bailed him out. He got clean and was going well. Until recently he relapsed after coming into some inheritance. This time he hasnt gotten us into debt but that money has all gone. Hes working on getting clean again and this time instead of being pigheaded and doing it alone he has actively sought help. Hes made a GP appointment, hes made an appointment to go on a program and in the meantime has made an appointment to see a counsellor until he can Get on the program. This is very positive. However I feel very different this time around. I feel empty and disconnected. I cant bear the thought of him touching me and I struggle to see a way forward for us. I feel like my ears has closed to him.
I hold so much resentment towards him. For letting me get pregnant knowing he was an addicted is just so selfish. We now have this poor innocent little girl who is forced to live this hell with me. Neither me or my partner have family near by. Mine are all in another country and my partner was adopted. I feel responsible for him and the emotional burden is adding to the resentment.
Do people find a way through these feelings?
Hi Ginger, I feel for you as it's hard enough not having family around but to be from another country and going through this is awful!! Have you spoke to your family in your country and how do they advise you? I understand the disconnect you feel towards your addict as I get like that too. I would say you feel like this because you've had enough already. It's sad for all concerned and certainly you must feel lost not knowing what to do. It's not like you can go stay with your family when their thousands of miles away. It's not comfortable having to leave and take your daughter somewhere strange. It's easier said than done. If I was you I would start putting money away and tell him nothing about it. Separate your finances so that he can't get at any money without your permission. Go speak to a lawyer as the first visit is free and the lawyer will explain how you stand and what to do regarding your daughter. I'm sorry your going through this. I have a child that's been a heroin addict etc, from the age of 17 yrs old and now 35 yrs old and now on methadone. It's hard for them to stay off drugs, methadone helps but it's another poison. I am raising my grandchild and have been for 9 years. I know what like it is to be alone in another country as I am too. At least I have had my husband to talk to about this but you don't. It's hard for you! I hope you can find a good friend to confide in. Most people don't understand or want involved unless they've been through it themselves with an addict. Your a strong woman already coming to another country to live and leaving everything you've ever known behind you. You can get through this!! What's going to make you is the mother lion in you to protect your daughter and you'll find you have more determination and strength than you ever thought possible! Read posts on here they will help you know what your up against. I'll check in and be here for you and I'm sure others will come on and advise you that's been in a similar situation. This is a good website and it's helped me cope. Go to the doctor if coping is hard. Go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings that are there to help you and you'll be among people like yourself. Take care. Mary.
Thanks Mary it means a lot to me that you replied.
My dad knows and is all about chances. He thinks if my partner actively makes the right steps to stopping then I should stay. I havent even told my mum anything as her view on addicts is dismal to say the least.
One of the biggest burdens I carry is that he has no where to go. I cant kick him out and make his parents deal with him. Theres just me and him. I sometimes wish he would have just cheated on me that way I could kick him out and not have to worry about his welfare.
I have control of most of the finances but I cant stop him borrowing money and getting loans which is what he has done in the past.
My daughter loves him so much its heartbreaking
My dad knows and is all about chances. He thinks if my partner actively makes the right steps to stopping then I should stay. I havent even told my mum anything as her view on addicts is dismal to say the least.
One of the biggest burdens I carry is that he has no where to go. I cant kick him out and make his parents deal with him. Theres just me and him. I sometimes wish he would have just cheated on me that way I could kick him out and not have to worry about his welfare.
I have control of most of the finances but I cant stop him borrowing money and getting loans which is what he has done in the past.
My daughter loves him so much its heartbreaking
Hi Ginger, I hope you've managed to read other posts on here about women having drug addicts as husbands or partners as they will help you. I wouldn't feel sorry for your husband. Feel sorry for yourself and your daughter. He has put you in a hard situation here and turned your life upside down. My first instinct would have been to go home to my parents and let him get on with it. But then you run up against taking your daughter out of the country, so I don't know if your stuck or what. Do you know what the rules are there? If not, I would find out in case this doesn't get any better. Drugs are a hard thing to stop once they get addicted, especially opiates. That's why he relapsed already and what's to stop him relapsing again? I'm in this now 18 yrs with my addict and I don't look for miracles anymore. I have come to that phase in my life where I don't get involved. I've wasted too many of my years trying to fix her. Every single day for 18 yrs I've always thought this will be the day she will stop drugs. Now 18 yrs later I'm no further ahead than I was 18 yrs ago. The only difference is I gave up the arguing and trying to make her want a decent life for herself. I've finally come to terms that it is what it is. I don't allow her in my house much and if she does come in I keep anything of any value out of sight and she is watched like a hawk. No matter what you say they will lie and do what they want in the end. So please put you and your daughter first and not your husband. He has crossed over to the drug side of life and once there it's hard to get back. Their whole thought process changes. Once addicted drugs is the most important thing in their lives. Don't bail him out anymore if he gets into debt. Lay down your rules if you allow him to stay and be tough even if you have to drag it out of you. I'm sorry Ginger but it's a rough road your on now. Look to Al-non or Narc-non for support. I wish more people would come on and advise you as it's good to get different opinions and you can take or leave what you don't like. Hang in there and be strong. Mary
Ginger - I agree w mandm - I am the mother of an addicted child -28yr old. We have been on the path of relapse/recovery for about 3-4 years. he always holds a job. and is not violent or disrespectful. so we keep trying to be supportive and as madm said - I can relate to "every day hoping my son will be drug free and looking for miracles". I am not in denial, but at this time I can not walk away. From reading other stories I know it is possible that we will be doing the same dance for another 10 years. Time goes by fast.....
my advice is to separate from your husband as much as you can. Think about what YOU want your life to look like in 5 years, and make those changes for you and your child.
you can not put your life on hold for him. If you stay with him, go to counselling for yourself and daughter. See the tabs at the top of this web page. Look for government, community services. Just to talk to and vent and problem solve for yourself. Important to find a therapist who is knowledgeable about drug addiction. set up boundaries so his poor decisions do not impact your life. If he is committed, he will respect the boundaries. If he is committed, you will know, you will feel it, your old husband will be back.
I guess it is hard to live with your husband while feeling like his parent. Being his parent is not your job. maybe you can say something like that to him. you deserve to live w a partner, not someone you have to police. he does not want you looking over his shoulder all the time either, so he needs to understand how his actions push your reactions.
None of the situations are ideal - addiction does seep into and usually destroy every part of the addicts life and those closest to them. breaks apart families and relationships.
trust is hard too. although I feel my son is doing better, he does seem to be improving in subtle areas in the past few weeks. I still feel like my guard is up 20% of the time. Idk if he is still using something, he has been getting prescribed meds from a dr, but idk if he is taking them or selling them. I will never know unless I put a GoPro camera on him! AND it is NOT something I should be keeping track of or thinking of or worried about. I don't worry about my other children's where abouts, so I put the thoughts out of my mind.... is that denial? hence the vicious circle of thoughts, and so on... that can chew up hours of my day, making me mentally immobile and unproductive.
When I talk to my son I feel calm and OK, then later, doubts flood in and I feel panicked. That is the Addiction Roller Coaster.
WE are not experts. The bottom line is He needs help for Him and YOU need help for You. You can not fix it for him. You did not cause it, Cant control it, Can not cure it -- Only HE can do that for himself. You do not have to be stuck overseeing his care for life. People without family use social services, etc. He can do that.
Staying in there with your loved one is not an easy task. It seems we are all floating in the same pool, grasping at the life raft.
PS - I have a daughter that was in addiction - she is has been doing well for 4 years. and a son in addiction/recovery for the past 4 years. the life miles stones I have missed because of it - 1. did not finish my master's degree, 2. did not pursue a hobbies 3. lost my job twice. not directly because of them, but I think it was Karma that I lost my job at moments when I was really needed to help my children in crisis. 4. lost at least $50K over a 7 year period due to rehab, and paying bills my kids should have been paying on their own, cars, insurance ... and loosing income and a career that I wanted to have but did not bc I stayed home when the kids were younger, and now I am getting too old to be taken seriously at a professional job. In hindsight, I should have worked full time and put them in daycare 24/7!!!
PS - my daughter has said she did not see things normally while she was in addiction. She feels bad about things she did and would not do that again. and with 4 years clean, she sees how normal life can be. she is independent and living across the country from us.
I do think a person needs 1-2 years in recovery just to start thinking clearly again.
Therefore - it is OK if you tell your husband you want a break for a year. He needs time to work on himself - there is help out there - he needs to find the right fit for him.
my advice is to separate from your husband as much as you can. Think about what YOU want your life to look like in 5 years, and make those changes for you and your child.
you can not put your life on hold for him. If you stay with him, go to counselling for yourself and daughter. See the tabs at the top of this web page. Look for government, community services. Just to talk to and vent and problem solve for yourself. Important to find a therapist who is knowledgeable about drug addiction. set up boundaries so his poor decisions do not impact your life. If he is committed, he will respect the boundaries. If he is committed, you will know, you will feel it, your old husband will be back.
I guess it is hard to live with your husband while feeling like his parent. Being his parent is not your job. maybe you can say something like that to him. you deserve to live w a partner, not someone you have to police. he does not want you looking over his shoulder all the time either, so he needs to understand how his actions push your reactions.
None of the situations are ideal - addiction does seep into and usually destroy every part of the addicts life and those closest to them. breaks apart families and relationships.
trust is hard too. although I feel my son is doing better, he does seem to be improving in subtle areas in the past few weeks. I still feel like my guard is up 20% of the time. Idk if he is still using something, he has been getting prescribed meds from a dr, but idk if he is taking them or selling them. I will never know unless I put a GoPro camera on him! AND it is NOT something I should be keeping track of or thinking of or worried about. I don't worry about my other children's where abouts, so I put the thoughts out of my mind.... is that denial? hence the vicious circle of thoughts, and so on... that can chew up hours of my day, making me mentally immobile and unproductive.
When I talk to my son I feel calm and OK, then later, doubts flood in and I feel panicked. That is the Addiction Roller Coaster.
WE are not experts. The bottom line is He needs help for Him and YOU need help for You. You can not fix it for him. You did not cause it, Cant control it, Can not cure it -- Only HE can do that for himself. You do not have to be stuck overseeing his care for life. People without family use social services, etc. He can do that.
Staying in there with your loved one is not an easy task. It seems we are all floating in the same pool, grasping at the life raft.
PS - I have a daughter that was in addiction - she is has been doing well for 4 years. and a son in addiction/recovery for the past 4 years. the life miles stones I have missed because of it - 1. did not finish my master's degree, 2. did not pursue a hobbies 3. lost my job twice. not directly because of them, but I think it was Karma that I lost my job at moments when I was really needed to help my children in crisis. 4. lost at least $50K over a 7 year period due to rehab, and paying bills my kids should have been paying on their own, cars, insurance ... and loosing income and a career that I wanted to have but did not bc I stayed home when the kids were younger, and now I am getting too old to be taken seriously at a professional job. In hindsight, I should have worked full time and put them in daycare 24/7!!!
PS - my daughter has said she did not see things normally while she was in addiction. She feels bad about things she did and would not do that again. and with 4 years clean, she sees how normal life can be. she is independent and living across the country from us.
I do think a person needs 1-2 years in recovery just to start thinking clearly again.
Therefore - it is OK if you tell your husband you want a break for a year. He needs time to work on himself - there is help out there - he needs to find the right fit for him.
