Hugs to you, Lynn. Timely post-I had to put my phone on airplane mode, today. : ( It just doesn't pay to pick up.
We will get these through holidays together.
Yes --the holidays are a trying time for all of us! Having to make decisions I don't want to make, amid all the memories of a time that the holidays were family together and pleasant.
Seems like that was so long ago and I keep trying to move forward through all this ,but I still have a hole in my heart. I know that I am doing the right thing, but it is soooo very hard!
I saw a saying today that is so true---
FACT: If an addict is happy with you, you're probably enabling them. If an addict is mad at you, you're probably trying to save their life.
I just keep telling myself that his absence from us is us saving his life!
Praying for wonderful holidays and special times for all of you-- because you are all so very special and especially to me!!!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Seems like that was so long ago and I keep trying to move forward through all this ,but I still have a hole in my heart. I know that I am doing the right thing, but it is soooo very hard!
I saw a saying today that is so true---
FACT: If an addict is happy with you, you're probably enabling them. If an addict is mad at you, you're probably trying to save their life.
I just keep telling myself that his absence from us is us saving his life!
Praying for wonderful holidays and special times for all of you-- because you are all so very special and especially to me!!!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Sombra, I probably should have mentioned this earlier. My daughter was a paranoid schizophrenic, so my story is different than yours -- and I want to emphasize that, because I don't want to scare you. My daughter started getting sick in her mid-teens, and she started self-medicating with Heroin. Fourteen years later -- twenty years ago -- she killed herself with a H overdose, when I was 50.
This is what I want you to know: I was grateful when she died because she wasn't hurting anymore. And I wasn't hurting anymore. I don't want you to think that her death was just a walk in the park for me -- the first year after her death was very difficult (even though I knew that paranoid-schizophrenics often commit suicide, so I had been prepared for years). Fortunately, I had been in therapy for a number of years when she killed herself, so I had my therapist, who knew me and the situation and my daughter. My therapist and my 'family' at work (I worked in the same place for almost 30 years) helped me --tremendously -- through that first year. Still -- it was SUCH a relief that she wasn't in pain anymore, that I really did quite well on my own (I was divorced from her father at the time).
However, after 20 years, I still miss her -- but I miss my healthy daughter -- not the one who was so sick and in so much pain.
So I'm telling you that whatever the future brings -- you can handle it. Truly.
Lastly, and I'm sure I'm going to get jumped on, I absolutely do not believe in cutting off our adult children, for any reason -- well, unless they threaten to hurt us/kill us. We shouldn't give them money, and we certainly don't have to let them in our homes -- but we should always let them talk to us (not when we're working, of course). They MUST know that we love them 'no matter what'. I do realize that a lot of 'experts' disagree with me, but I don't care. Our children HAVE to know that at least their mother (or father) loves them no matter what they do.
Heroin addiction is a sickness -- it's not a moral issue. But even if it were a moral issue -- even if our children killed someone -- we'd be there for them, wouldn't we. We need to be there for them -- with our love -- even while they are using.
Sending you good thoughts -- and your son too --
Bella
This is what I want you to know: I was grateful when she died because she wasn't hurting anymore. And I wasn't hurting anymore. I don't want you to think that her death was just a walk in the park for me -- the first year after her death was very difficult (even though I knew that paranoid-schizophrenics often commit suicide, so I had been prepared for years). Fortunately, I had been in therapy for a number of years when she killed herself, so I had my therapist, who knew me and the situation and my daughter. My therapist and my 'family' at work (I worked in the same place for almost 30 years) helped me --tremendously -- through that first year. Still -- it was SUCH a relief that she wasn't in pain anymore, that I really did quite well on my own (I was divorced from her father at the time).
However, after 20 years, I still miss her -- but I miss my healthy daughter -- not the one who was so sick and in so much pain.
So I'm telling you that whatever the future brings -- you can handle it. Truly.
Lastly, and I'm sure I'm going to get jumped on, I absolutely do not believe in cutting off our adult children, for any reason -- well, unless they threaten to hurt us/kill us. We shouldn't give them money, and we certainly don't have to let them in our homes -- but we should always let them talk to us (not when we're working, of course). They MUST know that we love them 'no matter what'. I do realize that a lot of 'experts' disagree with me, but I don't care. Our children HAVE to know that at least their mother (or father) loves them no matter what they do.
Heroin addiction is a sickness -- it's not a moral issue. But even if it were a moral issue -- even if our children killed someone -- we'd be there for them, wouldn't we. We need to be there for them -- with our love -- even while they are using.
Sending you good thoughts -- and your son too --
Bella
One last thing -- I forgot: Right before I met this girl, I was listening to a priest being interviewed, on the radio, on the program Fresh Air. Fr. Gregory Boyle. I've known of him for many years -- he's devoted his whole life to gang members in LA and has a great success rate with getting kids out of gangs (and off drugs), teaching them a trade, getting them on the track to living a normal life.
In this interview he was asked about the gang members who don't succeed. And he said that, yes, there are definitely gang members who come into the program, and it becomes apparent that they're not ready to help themselves. He tells them that they have to leave, that they can come back when they are ready, and he always talks to them when they call him or come in to see him.
You know, I'm an agnostic -- have been all my adult life -- so if this guy weren't the genuine article, I'd know. He is one of the very few genuine, religious people I've ever known. His program is not 'all about him' -- he TRULY loves the kids -- his whole life is 'all about them'.
There are a number of You Tube videos of his talks. If you type into your search engine "You Tube and Gregory Boyle and Notre Dame", you should get a link which will take you to a talk he gave at Notre Dame, to the graduates, this past June. It's a great talk. And then, down the right side of your screen, there should be more You Tube video talks by Fr. Boyle. You can choose ANY talk he has given -- all his talks are great (and a lot of them use the same material -- LOL -- this guy HAS to get some new material! LOL).
While your son is not a gang member, and while I'm sure you have been a good mother -- these talks should give you some good insights AND soothe your heart.
JUST a suggestion.
Hugs,
Bella
In this interview he was asked about the gang members who don't succeed. And he said that, yes, there are definitely gang members who come into the program, and it becomes apparent that they're not ready to help themselves. He tells them that they have to leave, that they can come back when they are ready, and he always talks to them when they call him or come in to see him.
You know, I'm an agnostic -- have been all my adult life -- so if this guy weren't the genuine article, I'd know. He is one of the very few genuine, religious people I've ever known. His program is not 'all about him' -- he TRULY loves the kids -- his whole life is 'all about them'.
There are a number of You Tube videos of his talks. If you type into your search engine "You Tube and Gregory Boyle and Notre Dame", you should get a link which will take you to a talk he gave at Notre Dame, to the graduates, this past June. It's a great talk. And then, down the right side of your screen, there should be more You Tube video talks by Fr. Boyle. You can choose ANY talk he has given -- all his talks are great (and a lot of them use the same material -- LOL -- this guy HAS to get some new material! LOL).
While your son is not a gang member, and while I'm sure you have been a good mother -- these talks should give you some good insights AND soothe your heart.
JUST a suggestion.
Hugs,
Bella
New to this, but don't know what else to do... Like many posts I have read, I too have a 20 year old son who is an addict. He his now in his mood swing stage, not mentionning all the stealing and lying he is doing (well I guess I just mentionned it!!) Me and my husband are so tired of this rollercoaster. This morning I decided I couldn't deal with it anymore and told him to get out of our house and now I feel like the biggest failure as a mother (even though I know it's the right thing to do at this point) I am almost to the point where I don't want to be on this earth anymore. I feel so helpless.
deppressed mom
deppressed mom
Depressed Mom, I am so very sorry.
I think everything gets worse around the holidays.
My daughter was stealing from my ex and me, and we couldn't let her stay in our home anymore. So I know what you are going through. And I think you did the only thing you could do under the circumstances. However, I hope you will keep communication between you and him open. Just don't let him guilt trip you into letting him come back home. And give him some phone numbers for some nearby NA meetings.
And just for the record: he'll probably find another place to live soon -- if not immediately. Most young people find a way to get off the streets ASAP. Addicts are pretty smart (usually).
Thank you Bella,
I'm sorry for your loss of your daughter. I too lost a son to suicide, in 2001. It was hard, and I miss him every day. He wasn't a drug user, but had been abused severely as a child. (I adopted him as a teenager).
I also understand the possible / probable future of my using son. It is sad, and hard. i do agree that we need to let them know we love them. My son knows I love him, but when he gets in the blame stage with me, I have to stay away, because I am afraid he could be dangerous.
I appreciate your posts,
Sombra
I'm sorry for your loss of your daughter. I too lost a son to suicide, in 2001. It was hard, and I miss him every day. He wasn't a drug user, but had been abused severely as a child. (I adopted him as a teenager).
I also understand the possible / probable future of my using son. It is sad, and hard. i do agree that we need to let them know we love them. My son knows I love him, but when he gets in the blame stage with me, I have to stay away, because I am afraid he could be dangerous.
I appreciate your posts,
Sombra
