I'm new here. Trying to get others opinions and help with my situation. I already posted this on a similar thread. Then decided to just make my own.
On October 25, 2014, I met my soul mate. She is a recovering heroin addict. When we met, she was about 30 days clean. A lot of people advised against her getting into a relationship that early in recovery. They say wait at least a year before getting into a relationship. We couldn't help it. We fell in love with each other the day we met. Instant connection. I knew right away that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. She was the first person I had any feelings for since I was 23, I'm 27 now, soon to be 28. She woke me up from years of depression and made me want to live again.
We were only together for 2 months, every second of it was amazing. She made me incredibly happy. On December 29, she broke up with me, so she could work on herself and figure out who she was. I was heartbroken, still am. I know 2 months isn't a long time, but I truly love her, and she loves(loved) me. Now we don't even talk. It's very hard for me. I'm trying to understand what she is going through, and why she can't have me in her life right now. I'm trying to respect her, and give her space. I'm afraid that we may never see each other again. I really wish that she would just talk to me.
I've been feeling a lot of emotions recently, which is quite overwhelming considering I was just numb for years. I have been texting her a lot, just trying to get her to talk to me. After about a week of no responses, I was ready to stop trying to talk to her. I was finally feeling okay, I was just going to give her the space she needed, and hope that she talks to me again someday. Then I get a facebook message from her saying "I love u". Completely caught me off guard but made me feel really good. I said I love you back and "she" responded with "I too", which just confused me. So I asked if she was okay, and got no response. After a couple hours I began to suspect that it wasn't even her, and someone got on her account and was just messing with me. Turns out, I was right. I found out from my sister (who is in AA with her, best friends, and the reason we met) that she was convinced it was me. I would never do anything like that. I needed her to know that is wasn't me, so I started texting her and facebook messaging her again, trying to explain myself. She hasn't said a word to me. This happened about 4 days ago and its driving me crazy.
This is a very strange, confusing, complicated situation, and I have no idea what to do. I suppose my only choice is to just leave her alone, and if it was meant to be, we'll get back together.
Theres more to the story, involving my sister, and how I think she is the one who got on my exs facebook and messaged me, and shes trying to keep us apart and telling lies to both me and my ex. I don't even know where to begin with all that.
All I know is, I'm madly in love with this girl, and care about her very very much.
Dear Zach,
I have been around reocovery for 10+ years. Relationships in early recovery is a very common pitfall. The saying for men is "behind every skirt is a slip". You were advised right - avoid new relationships within the first year of recovery. With heroin, I recommend making this a requirement. Recovery for an addict is a long-haul order, and it takes 1 year of continous sobriety before the recovery process & emotions are stable enough where the person is competent to make a decision about a relationship.
I understand your strong emotions. However, love is a decision not an emotion. True love will grant patience and time needed for the addict to get on solid ground. Anything less puts your loved one at risk. I am guessing that, in a million years, you would do anything to avoid putting your loved one in a risky position. Now is the time to choose the right thing.
People in early recovery are incredibly tender, lonely, and vulnerable. Before treatment, they caused a lot of wreckage. In other words, the person you know now will be different after a year.
For you, Al Anon and NAR Anon are very good resources for friends and family members of addicts. They are in the telephone book and online. There should be several meetings near you.
I hope this helps and good luck,
Fly
I have been around reocovery for 10+ years. Relationships in early recovery is a very common pitfall. The saying for men is "behind every skirt is a slip". You were advised right - avoid new relationships within the first year of recovery. With heroin, I recommend making this a requirement. Recovery for an addict is a long-haul order, and it takes 1 year of continous sobriety before the recovery process & emotions are stable enough where the person is competent to make a decision about a relationship.
I understand your strong emotions. However, love is a decision not an emotion. True love will grant patience and time needed for the addict to get on solid ground. Anything less puts your loved one at risk. I am guessing that, in a million years, you would do anything to avoid putting your loved one in a risky position. Now is the time to choose the right thing.
People in early recovery are incredibly tender, lonely, and vulnerable. Before treatment, they caused a lot of wreckage. In other words, the person you know now will be different after a year.
For you, Al Anon and NAR Anon are very good resources for friends and family members of addicts. They are in the telephone book and online. There should be several meetings near you.
I hope this helps and good luck,
Fly
I would also point out that you can't really know anyone very well after only a couple of months. You stated you fell in love with her the day you met her and you felt numb for years and woke up with her.
I don't think it was her that woke you up, it was you wanting to be part of life again and saw a path forward out of loneliness and pain through this girl. Healthy relationships develop through two people being strong (not weak and vulnerable) places. It doesn't mean we can't help each other work through our stuggles, but it makes it so much harder to develop a strong foundation.
So sorry you are struggling
The connection we had was like nothing I've ever felt. I instantly felt like I knew her for years. We felt so comfortable with each other. Shared things with each other that no one else knows about. She told me some of the darkest parts of her past, she was afraid I'd judge her, and I didn't, I still loved her. I could see what a wonderful person she really was. I knew the real her.
It's been a month since the break up, and I am still hurting. Still in love with her. I'm told by people she knows that she still has love for me, just ins't ready to talk to me yet. I made the mistake of texting her and messaging on facebook. I now know how disrespectful I was being. She blocked me on facebook and her phone. Still hasn't said a word to me. I'd like to get over it and move on, but I still have a small shread of hope.
I've also just been very worried about her. She been clean over 130 days now, and I know she is struggling. I fear that my actions have been pushing her closer and closer to a possible relapse. Above all else, I just want her to be okay, to be happy with herself, and see how truly great she really is. I'll continue to hold on to the love we had. I'll continue to pray for her every night. and I'll just have to hope that one day, she'll be ready to let me back into her life, if only as a friend. A connection like we had is rare, I don't want to just let it disappear forever. I'm also afraid that she thinks she doesn't deserve to be loved, and thats part of the reason why she won't let me in her life.
It's been a month since the break up, and I am still hurting. Still in love with her. I'm told by people she knows that she still has love for me, just ins't ready to talk to me yet. I made the mistake of texting her and messaging on facebook. I now know how disrespectful I was being. She blocked me on facebook and her phone. Still hasn't said a word to me. I'd like to get over it and move on, but I still have a small shread of hope.
I've also just been very worried about her. She been clean over 130 days now, and I know she is struggling. I fear that my actions have been pushing her closer and closer to a possible relapse. Above all else, I just want her to be okay, to be happy with herself, and see how truly great she really is. I'll continue to hold on to the love we had. I'll continue to pray for her every night. and I'll just have to hope that one day, she'll be ready to let me back into her life, if only as a friend. A connection like we had is rare, I don't want to just let it disappear forever. I'm also afraid that she thinks she doesn't deserve to be loved, and thats part of the reason why she won't let me in her life.
I'm going to be honest with you... You have to give her, her space.. She recovery comes back you, before everything and anything. Staying dedicated to her recovery is what her life literally relies on.
If you truly do love her like you say you do, you'd want what's best for her, and it honestly doesn't sound like that's your intentions. She may be ignoring you and not talking to you because you have distracted her from her recovery and that's the last thing that should happen.
Give her, her space! If it's meant to be, it'll happen when she's ready.
If you truly do love her like you say you do, you'd want what's best for her, and it honestly doesn't sound like that's your intentions. She may be ignoring you and not talking to you because you have distracted her from her recovery and that's the last thing that should happen.
Give her, her space! If it's meant to be, it'll happen when she's ready.
I am giving her space now. I realize how wrong and selfish it was of me to keep trying to get her to talk to me. I do want whats best for her. I still love her, and I'll keep her in my heart. When/if she's ready to talk to me again, I'll be here. It's very hard not knowing how she's doing, or how she feels about me. After talking to a few people, and reading other stories on this message board, I'm starting to understand why she's doing what she's doing. Although I may never fully understand, I have to respect her, and leave her be. Perhaps one day we can reconnect, until then, I'll continue to pray for her, and just keep her in my thoughts.
Don't beat yourself up for trying to do what you wanted. The relationship with an addict is truly an unknown until you experience it. Being nieve to it is more painful because you feel helpless and don't understand what you're competing against. I find it harder to move on because I was devastated and somewhat obsessed with the "what ifs". It is a high price to pay for the lesson learned. You try to move forward in life after a heart wrenching experience. We learn something we never knew mattered. We are actually fortunate that we don't suffer like a parent of an active does.
I do find myself becoming obsessed with the "what if's". What if we never talk again? What if I tried harder to make it work? What if I listened to her and gave her the space she needed when she asked? I know that I need to move on, and maybe we'll talk again in the future, maybe not. I should be focusing on my own life. She just had such a huge impact on my life. She's truly an amazing person. Even if we never get back together, I just want her in my life. She was such a great person to talk to about anything. I've never felt so comfortable, never had a connection like that with another person. I could be holding on to something that's just not there anymore. But I remain hopeful. What I want more than anything is for her to just be okay, to find herself and be happy. I really don't know how she's doing. My sister, who was best friends with her, says that they don't even talk anymore. I would be even more devastated if she were to relapse, or if she was just unhappy with her life. Perhaps in a month or so I'll just write her a letter, and hope for a response.
It's been over a month now, and I still think about her everyday. I wish I could understand why she had to cut me out of her life completely, it's like I don't even exist. I truly love her.
Don't feel so bad, my 26 year old girlfriend addict mother of my 5 & a half month old daughter reduced her prescription pill use to a 1/3 of what is prescribed, after I detached and threw her out of my life and house. 3rd week of January, I give her the opportunity to listen to her and plan to go on subs because she is sick of the life and realized how much she wanted to be a family with me. Impressed by the change in her. She became the intelligent, beautiful woman I could only dream of being with. Fell so crazy in love with her and poured everything inside of me out to her. Had the most amazing last 2 weeks with her. Never felt so good. Sunday afternoon get a Facebook message from her boyfriend of 4 years ago, that is only a friend now ,that he had sex with her while we were apart.Showed it her and she denied it. He found out that we were working things out and provided me with the screen shot of the texts referring to the encounter. Now i Guess the addiction thing is just another problem that isn't a factor at this point.
I'm sorry to hear that man. I recently found out that my ex was trying to get with someone else not too long after she broke up with me, and she ended things cause she couldn't be with anyone. I don't know if it's true, I don't even know how she's doing. Her and my sister are no longer friends, because of this situation. My sister even tried reaching out to her and got no response. I continue to worry about her everyday, and still have so much love for her even after all of this. I wish there was a way for me to reconnect with her and support her, but I know in the back of my head that it's time to just give up. She doesn't want anything to do with me and it absolutely breaks me heart.
I'm not so sure you're in a bad place. I don't think you would want to feel like have been feeling. She's going through WD's and is feeling terrible. This time I don't even care she's in pain. I didn't get angry like I thought I would. I have been taking care of her until 6:00 pm Tuesday. I look at her and she doesn't look the same to me. Hard to understand the addicts brain but their decision making process is not working correctly. I would have gave anything to have known about her addiction before even getting involved. Never would of brought a child into this nightmare either. Try to move forward with your life and consider it a learning experience. I' m faced with similar situation except I have to be a good dad. Nothing more if I can't forgive her.
Deep down, she's still the beautiful person you fell in love with. It's so hard to not be angry. I'll never really understand an addicts mind. Just be there for her as much as you can, if not for your relationship, do it for your child. I'm sorry you're going through this. I found out my ex is doing well with her sobriety and continuing to do what she needs to do to stay clean. I'm proud of her. It's still upsetting that I'm no longer in her life, but at least she is safe, and okay. I'll always have love for her, and I'll be there if she ever decides to reach out to me. Good luck with your situation. Feel free to update me on here. I don't know what to say, but it always helps to get it out, and to know there are other people in similar situations.
Right now she's sleeping om my couch 3 days into WD's. I'm a hopeless enabler. Skipped my nar-anon meeting tonight thinking I really don't need to worry about addiction. My relationship is coming to the end because of all her choices. I'm not angry or sure I can get past all this. I really don't want her here, but I said I would help and I mean what I say. NEED to let go and let court decide fate of daughter. The more I fight, I get labeled as aggressive. She has zero credit, money, can't keep a job or residence. Court expects this for custody. If she gets sober ,its her responsibility to stay clean.She has no ability for that. Mental problems run in her family. I somehow managed to be with a person I don't want to hardly even know. Things are never going to be anything what I want anymore. I deserve better. I'm trying to take the professional and amateur advice of each of us living seperate lives. I Have to figure out how to get past all the emotional damage done before I can be a good Dad. I admitted and I'm aware I have a problem. Reality is I'm addicted to companionship or relationships or just this young woman who gave me a child. Fortunately only I have to suffer this insanity.
