Hi I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. We have a 18 month old son together. Our relationship has had its ups and downs. She has had a addition to pain meds for a little over 10 years now. Her brother passed away from a pain Med overdose 8 years ago. She never really Delt with the lost of her brother. I have asked her if she takes the meds for her back problem or if it's for something else and she has told me that yes and no she takes them so she doesn't have to deal with crap. I talked to her parents about doing a intervention. It took some convincing but they said ok and we did it and instead of being supportive and loving her dad took it as a business deal and with in mins of sitting down with her she took control of the whole this and it was over before it even started. Jump a couple years after our son was born she decided to go on saboxen. She went to her friend who is a nurse and told her that the pain meds were affecting our son and she needed to get off them. So she was on that for about a month and went right back on to the pain meds. About 4 months ago I started going to al anon meetings and seeing a therapist after a couple meetin and talking to my therapist. I decided to take the steps again to get a real intervention together so I did my research and got her parents on board and a few family and friends. About 3 months ago I cut her off from money for pills. Which cost us about $400 to $500 a week. After I said no more. She got a job as a waitress. Which I had been trying to get her to get a job for over a year and she had every excuse not to get one but now after I cut her off of money she gets one. Not soon after she got the job she started to change alot she never drinks and now she was staying after work and having 4 to 5 beers and a few shots after every shift at work. Then the Communications between us dropped off really bad. Then I found out that there's another guy no clue what there relationship is besides she met him thru a friend and he wanted her to come trim for him. Whole all this is going on her family and friends and I are planning this intervention. Which was really really hard for me because I don't lie to her ever and now I'm having to lie to her all the time. To keep her from finding out what is going on. So one day she ask me to get her script from the pharmacy it was a Friday and it was for 90 percs on Sunday I noticed she was really really high she couldn't stay awake to save her life. I have seen her pretty high a few time bit nothing like this. She passed out on the front steps of our house. So I wanted to see how many pills she had left and when I looked in her purse there was only 10 left in the bottle I checked again about 4 hours later and there was non left in the bottle so 90 pills in less then 3 days. Everyone in our house was sick during this time and she was sick too. I went to the hospital the next day to get checked on and I had asked her for 2 days if she wanted to go to the ER and get checked out she said no. So I went and she got mad at me because she said I didn't ask her to go. But I had her mom come and get her because she can't drive Cuz she doesn't have a license but when she got to the ER they did a x-ray and found out that she had pneumonia fluid in both lungs and it was bad. They admitted her and told her she was gonna be there for a couple days. I was able to leave the ER because I only had bronchitis. After she was admitted I talk to her nurse and doctor and told them about her problem with pain meds and the doctor told me that she may had overdosed and didn't know it. That's why she has pneumonia. The first day she was in the hospital she was withdrawing pretty bad but I found out from the nurse that the other guy visited her at 2am and told the nurse that he was her fiance. The next day when I got to the hospital she wasn't withdrawing anymore. After thinking about it for a day I have a feeling that the other guy had brought her pills while she was in the hospital. She had been pushing me away after I cut off the money for the pills. I would say I love you and she wouldn't say it back most of the time and I asked her about it and she told me I love you like a friend and that killed me but when I told her I'm not gonna end this relationship she would have to do that and I gave her every chance to end it but she wouldn't do it. A few days after she got out of the hospital we did the intervention and she said yes and now she has been in rehab for almost 2 weeks now and I have only talk to her twice only to talk to our son and she asked me who started the intervention and how long had we been planning it so I told her I was the one that started it and her parents got on board not soon after I started looking into it again and we had been planning it for about 4 months she didnt say anything to me. Just hung up after I told her I love you. She has talked to everyone else that was involved with the intervention except for me she won't talk to me. I haven't called her I sent her a letter that the professional interventionist told me that I should write her a letter and tell her how I really feel so I did and I sent it to her counselor to give to her no clue if she has gotten it yet. All I know about what's going on with her is what her family and friends tell me and all they say is that shes really really mad at you and I understand that she can be mad at me as long as she keeps working the program and learns something. From this all. In the last couple days I have been mind f-ing myself. Besides my son she is everything to me and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and my son as a family. I have been researching everything about pain Med addiction and what needs to happen after rehab I'm still going to my al anon meetings. I even went to a couple open NA meetings. I'm here to support her in every aspect of her recovery. I didn't do this for me I did it for my son and for my fiance I couldn't sit back and watch her slowly kill herself. My biggest fear is when she gets out of rehab. She will end our relationship. I guess that was my point I was trying to get to in this post. Which is tough to ask that because I'm have all the faith in the world in our love for each other and I know that all the stuff that has happen up to the intervention was the drugs talking and when I cut her off from money she got pissed and possibly found someone else that would give her sympathy and money so she could continue her addiction. Maybe idk well thank you for reading.
Sending gentle hugs Wesley. So glad that you got an opportunity to open your heart to us, so sorry for the reasons you needed to.
I can tell by your post how much you love your fiance. She is very lucky to have someone in her corner like you. However, she probably can't see any of that now. She may not be able to see that you were trying to save her life until she's been clean and sober for a while. A long while. Right now, as far as she is concerned, YOU are the liar, manipulator and the one not to be trusted. You also exposed her addiction to her family. Apparently, she was happy with her life as it was and you screwed things up. . .or at least that's what she is probably thinking.
While what happens in detox/rehab are black boxes to me, successfully completing one of these programs is just the start. From what I see (I'm the mom of an addict), detox/rehab are the "easy" parts. By the time you exit one of these programs, the physical need for dope is gone. The hard part is staying sober. Dealing with, and learning to live life without the dope. So, don't expect her to come out of rehab cured. Sobriety, like high blood pressure or diabetes, requires life time maintanence. There is no cure for addiction.
And. . .the road to sobriety is not usually a straight path. There are hiccups; we call them relapses. My daughter, for example, was clean and sober for about 2.5 years. Then she went away to college and found heroin. From February until August 2016, she has been in at least 3 inpatient programs and 12 or 15 IOPs. Hell, my girl OD'd for the first time after completing a 30 day inpatient program. She Od'd the second time while living in a sober living house. So even though they may learn in rehab, they have to fight to remain clean and sober. If your fiance, like my daughter, is not committed to sobriety . . .if she has not hit her rock bottom. . .nothing is going to change.
Let me cut to the chase. . .You don't have control over her or her addiction. And, you can't cure it. The only thing you have control over is you and your life. Do you really want to put it on "pause" so you can wait for her to make a clear-headed, rational decision? Do you realize that it's going to take time for her mind to be clear? Dope hijacks the brain. From what I understand it takes a year of sobriety before their minds start to become clear. What will you do if she doesn't get over being mad at you? What if she chooses Mr. Drug Dealer over you? (No matter how wonderful you are, no matter how much you love her, no matter how cute your son is, none of this matters. . .it's all about the drugs. And, he can provide her something you can't: access to dope.) How will you feel?
I'm not suggesting that you kick her to the curb today. I do suggest that you manage your expectations and guard your heart. Please read on this Board, "What Not to Do," "Let me Fall By Myself", and "Ways Family Members Can Help." Google "co-dependency," "enabling," and detaching with love. And, keep coming back here.
Lynn
xoxo
I can tell by your post how much you love your fiance. She is very lucky to have someone in her corner like you. However, she probably can't see any of that now. She may not be able to see that you were trying to save her life until she's been clean and sober for a while. A long while. Right now, as far as she is concerned, YOU are the liar, manipulator and the one not to be trusted. You also exposed her addiction to her family. Apparently, she was happy with her life as it was and you screwed things up. . .or at least that's what she is probably thinking.
While what happens in detox/rehab are black boxes to me, successfully completing one of these programs is just the start. From what I see (I'm the mom of an addict), detox/rehab are the "easy" parts. By the time you exit one of these programs, the physical need for dope is gone. The hard part is staying sober. Dealing with, and learning to live life without the dope. So, don't expect her to come out of rehab cured. Sobriety, like high blood pressure or diabetes, requires life time maintanence. There is no cure for addiction.
And. . .the road to sobriety is not usually a straight path. There are hiccups; we call them relapses. My daughter, for example, was clean and sober for about 2.5 years. Then she went away to college and found heroin. From February until August 2016, she has been in at least 3 inpatient programs and 12 or 15 IOPs. Hell, my girl OD'd for the first time after completing a 30 day inpatient program. She Od'd the second time while living in a sober living house. So even though they may learn in rehab, they have to fight to remain clean and sober. If your fiance, like my daughter, is not committed to sobriety . . .if she has not hit her rock bottom. . .nothing is going to change.
Let me cut to the chase. . .You don't have control over her or her addiction. And, you can't cure it. The only thing you have control over is you and your life. Do you really want to put it on "pause" so you can wait for her to make a clear-headed, rational decision? Do you realize that it's going to take time for her mind to be clear? Dope hijacks the brain. From what I understand it takes a year of sobriety before their minds start to become clear. What will you do if she doesn't get over being mad at you? What if she chooses Mr. Drug Dealer over you? (No matter how wonderful you are, no matter how much you love her, no matter how cute your son is, none of this matters. . .it's all about the drugs. And, he can provide her something you can't: access to dope.) How will you feel?
I'm not suggesting that you kick her to the curb today. I do suggest that you manage your expectations and guard your heart. Please read on this Board, "What Not to Do," "Let me Fall By Myself", and "Ways Family Members Can Help." Google "co-dependency," "enabling," and detaching with love. And, keep coming back here.
Lynn
xoxo
So much to comment on.... You sound like a really nice guy. Sorry you have been going thru this for so long. A friend of mine has been going thru something similar - for 15 years. kids are 10 and 15yrs old. he has stuck with it for so long bc of love for his wife and hope she will change. Unfortunately, she takes no responsibilty in the relationship and house hold. he works full time at a high stress job, and has to deal with household chores, kids, appointments, He is doing the job of both of them in the household, she barely does anything all day, plus he very frustrated and angry bc she does not appear to care..... he has not left her bc of the kids, also has questions of infidelity, he mind f's himself into a dysfunctional mess. he has a fear of loosing everything, because he can not concentrate on his job bc she has him is such a mess. My point is that your situation is not going to change for the better. she has shown you that. you cut off pills, she gets them another way. she is giving you cold shoulder now. = manipulative.
Send her back home to her parents. take care of you and your son. call it temporary - when she is clean for a year, you can get back together. in the mean time, take this opportunity to live on your own two feet with your son.
As you keep reading you will see the same, similar behavior over and over.
Send her back home to her parents. take care of you and your son. call it temporary - when she is clean for a year, you can get back together. in the mean time, take this opportunity to live on your own two feet with your son.
As you keep reading you will see the same, similar behavior over and over.
Hi Wes,
So sorry for all of the upheaval in your life.
A lot of what you described is something our family has experienced as well. Our younger son had a serious dependence on opiates that started when he was 16. We did something very similar and on the advice of his psychiatrist, sent him to a therapeutic boarding school, but since he wouldn't go willingly we hired a company that picked him up at our house and transported him to the school. It saved his life, but he was pretty angry with us and it took several years and many conversations for him to realize it was a lifesaving measure and not to "dump" him somewhere.
Fast forward to recent events - he married and was on methadone. He was not doing well and his wife wanted him to do an inpatient rehab. He resisted, but ultimately agreed to do so when she said she would divorce him. He was angry with her, but he completed the program and is so happy to be off methadone, but says it was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. Was that the magic ingredient that now made their marriage complete? No. they still have issues to address with each other that do not have anything to do with his addiction.
Some of the positives I see are that your fiance wanted to get off pain pills when she went on the suboxone. She also voluntarily went to rehab and if she is still there, then she must want to stay. I hope that she continues to decide for herself that she wants sobriety. I'm hoping that your fiance is able to get strength and support from others at the facility. I know that the peer support my son received at the rehab facility helped him.
I hope you can continue to take it one day at a time. It sounds like you have been consumed with your wife's addiction, much like all of us on this message board. Keep going to your support group meetings, but do something nice for yourself. When was the last time you did that?
So sorry for all of the upheaval in your life.
A lot of what you described is something our family has experienced as well. Our younger son had a serious dependence on opiates that started when he was 16. We did something very similar and on the advice of his psychiatrist, sent him to a therapeutic boarding school, but since he wouldn't go willingly we hired a company that picked him up at our house and transported him to the school. It saved his life, but he was pretty angry with us and it took several years and many conversations for him to realize it was a lifesaving measure and not to "dump" him somewhere.
Fast forward to recent events - he married and was on methadone. He was not doing well and his wife wanted him to do an inpatient rehab. He resisted, but ultimately agreed to do so when she said she would divorce him. He was angry with her, but he completed the program and is so happy to be off methadone, but says it was the hardest thing he's ever done in his life. Was that the magic ingredient that now made their marriage complete? No. they still have issues to address with each other that do not have anything to do with his addiction.
Some of the positives I see are that your fiance wanted to get off pain pills when she went on the suboxone. She also voluntarily went to rehab and if she is still there, then she must want to stay. I hope that she continues to decide for herself that she wants sobriety. I'm hoping that your fiance is able to get strength and support from others at the facility. I know that the peer support my son received at the rehab facility helped him.
I hope you can continue to take it one day at a time. It sounds like you have been consumed with your wife's addiction, much like all of us on this message board. Keep going to your support group meetings, but do something nice for yourself. When was the last time you did that?
Wes, so sorry you are going through this. Addicts often cannot see that people love them. My son seems to think the people that condone his habit and assist in his habit are wonderful, amazing people. Anyone who questions him is horrible and trying to ruin his life. I don't have any answers. I am glad your child has you in his life. I hope things get better. Take care of yourself! I hope you keep coming here, posting.
I don't want to hijack this thread but was very curious about therapeutic boarding school and hiring someone to take the child there. Could you give me more information? You could start a new thread, so we don't hijack this one. I just really would like more information on these types of options.
Wes, big hug and keep sharing.
I don't want to hijack this thread but was very curious about therapeutic boarding school and hiring someone to take the child there. Could you give me more information? You could start a new thread, so we don't hijack this one. I just really would like more information on these types of options.
Wes, big hug and keep sharing.
Thank you all so much for the advice. I went to do family day at the rehab my fiance is at and we had a sit down with the counselor and my fiance ended our relationship so she can focus on her recovery and find out who she really is. I told her that I love her more then anything in the whole world and if this what she needs to do to help her with her recovery and keep her on the path of sobriety then I support your decision. And I will be here for her to support her in her recovery. It hurts really bad but I ment every word I told her. I have never lost faith in our love and I still haven't even after today.
So sorry that you are hurt. So sorry that you are in the position you are in. But I'm glad that she made this decision. In the first year of recovery/sobriety it is highly recommended that the addict focus on him/herself. Your partner is doing exactly what is recommended. So, this is a very good sign for her. Now...what ARE you going to do for YOU during this time...Besides pining for and waiting on your love?
Sending hugs & wishes for peace,
Lynn
Sending hugs & wishes for peace,
Lynn
Wesley, sorry to be the bearer of bad news. your fianc may not want you to be involved in her recovery. she may not feel the same love that you feel for her. she probably knows that she has hurt you and made a mess of things. her recovery might get worse before it gets better and perhaps she does not want to hurt you more. your expectations might be too much to live up to for now. as she eluded, she needs to figure this out for her.
the best thing you can do for all is to live as an individual, support and take care of your son. put your love into your son. your fianc may or may not come back to you. it sounds like a lot of pressure if your life hinges on her life. you have to be able to let go so there are no strings attached. otherwise there will always be tension in the relationship.
go to alanon or naranon meetings,, seek out support for yourself. that is the best thing you can do for you, your son and your fianc. prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
