I think what little there is of my mind is finally gone. I had to drive several hours to a meeting today and just started talking out loud about my life, feelings, problems etc. I talked about the good things and the bad things. I laid out all the things I feel guilty about and confessed my short comings as best I could. I must have talked to myself and God, if he was listening, for at least an hour and a half. In the end, no magic solution appeared and things had not changed but I felt more at peace. Maybe it was my own homegrown therapy session or I have really lost my mind but I guess it was better than listening to the radio.
I found out a few days ago that the reason no one has heard from my son since before Christmas is because he is in the hospital again. I don't know how long he has been there. I suspect he is detoxing but they won't tell me. Depression is also a possible cause. I get so frustrated because they won't tell you anything when you call ..not even if they are there or even if they are alive. You need the secret code.
I missed his two calls and was unable to call back. He wants me to visit him but I just want to crawl in a hole and not deal with any of it. His voicemail sounds so pitiful but in the past he always gets demanding and mad when I visit. Things have to go his way! I don't know what he will do when he leaves there and I just feel extremely sad and helpless. He wants to live with us and I am praying they can get him into long term rehab. He also has to want to go so not sure that will ever happen. There is really nothing that I can do that isn't wrong and it makes me mad. I broke down and sent him some Christmas money and now look where he is...seems highly suspicious that I funded a drug spree but maybe he is there for another reason. At least I can hope he didn't use that money for drugs. I know I shouldn't have sent it. This could just be a gimmick to get me actively back in his life and taking care of him.
So now what? How do you deal with it when there is nothing left to do? I feel helpless and defeated. I lost the fight so what to do next? I can't watch him do this to himself. I guess I am not detached right now...it is hard to cut off those emotions.
Sending gentle hugs Bugs. . .please don't beat yourself up re Xmas. . . you gave your baby a gift bc you love him . . .and the Xmas spirit got you. . .that's okay. . .C'est la vie. . .shyt happens. . . forgive yourself. . .none of us is perfect. . .you can go back to not enabling and not giving money tomorrow. No one ever said that you would stop loving your child . . .or stop worrying . . .or stop any of th feelings that plague us as parents of addicts. . .no matter what you never stop being a parent. We just learn to parent differently.
Yes, addiction hijacks the addict's mind. . .it will also hijack OUR minds and bodies if we let it... .I remember thinking many many times while J was playing rehab that I was going stark raving mad . . my emotions were so tied to her journey . . I couldn't focus or pay attention. . .I felt weepy and weak . . .and I was more vested in her getting clean & sober than she was . . I get it. . .I understand. . .unfortunately this is part of loving an addict.
My question to you is: have you hit YOUR rock bottom? I know it is hard to watch your baby's bad behavior and know that there is nothing you can do to change it. But ask yourself what should you be doing now. Then ask yourself what can you do now. Ask yourself these same questions but ask them about your son.
Lynn
xoxo
Yes, addiction hijacks the addict's mind. . .it will also hijack OUR minds and bodies if we let it... .I remember thinking many many times while J was playing rehab that I was going stark raving mad . . my emotions were so tied to her journey . . I couldn't focus or pay attention. . .I felt weepy and weak . . .and I was more vested in her getting clean & sober than she was . . I get it. . .I understand. . .unfortunately this is part of loving an addict.
My question to you is: have you hit YOUR rock bottom? I know it is hard to watch your baby's bad behavior and know that there is nothing you can do to change it. But ask yourself what should you be doing now. Then ask yourself what can you do now. Ask yourself these same questions but ask them about your son.
Lynn
xoxo
Buggin
I'm so sorry you are going through this. How old is your son? I'll be praying
For you and him. The stress, worry and guilt is overwhelming at times.
I have literally been sick the last few days...just a sick feeling in my stomach.
And no sleep or let me take that back. I lay in the bed and look at my phone
About 100 times.
I hope you don't mind me asking but how long has your son been struggling?
Hopefully this will be his bottom and want help.
Please stay here and know that we care.
It's a minute to minute struggle....and yes I know it's not our circus and I
Know we have to take care of ourselves but gosh it's so hard and at the end of
The day it's just not that easy.
Sorry I started rambling
I truly care and will be praying for you and your son
Hugs
PAULA
I'm so sorry you are going through this. How old is your son? I'll be praying
For you and him. The stress, worry and guilt is overwhelming at times.
I have literally been sick the last few days...just a sick feeling in my stomach.
And no sleep or let me take that back. I lay in the bed and look at my phone
About 100 times.
I hope you don't mind me asking but how long has your son been struggling?
Hopefully this will be his bottom and want help.
Please stay here and know that we care.
It's a minute to minute struggle....and yes I know it's not our circus and I
Know we have to take care of ourselves but gosh it's so hard and at the end of
The day it's just not that easy.
Sorry I started rambling
I truly care and will be praying for you and your son
Hugs
PAULA
Hey Lynn
We must have been messaging at the same time. I just wanted
To say hi and let you know I'm thinking about you. It's been rough!
Wish we could private message but I guess that's not available. Lol
Keep your head up my friend
Hugs
PAULA
We must have been messaging at the same time. I just wanted
To say hi and let you know I'm thinking about you. It's been rough!
Wish we could private message but I guess that's not available. Lol
Keep your head up my friend
Hugs
PAULA
My son is mid-thirties and has been using drugs since he hit puberty...many years. Sometimes I feel he stopped maturing when he started using. He tried a little of this, a little of that and a bunch more of something else. He even traded using drugs for too much alcohol for awhile. I think his preference is meth, drinking and marijuana but not sure what else.
I have reached my bottom but don't always stay there. My logical and emotional selves fight with each other often. I can't just turn the feelings off. I have gotten to a place where I just want it all to stop and want some peace. I want his problems to no longer be my problems. I just hate that I lost the fight. I wanted something different for him...something better. I know it wasn't really my fight to win or lose but as a mother you take it on anyway.
The only thing that really helped me for awhile was distance. Lots of distance...no phone connection, no talking, no text. Literally disconnecting myself from him and his problems by adding a buffer, but it seemed too cold and cruel to do that. I don't hate him but he thought I did. So I opened the door a bit with the chain on for safety because he needed that connection, but now I know some of what is happened in his life and feel terrible. My mind runs wild. My emotions go crazy. I get soft...I worry...I feel guilty..I get manipulated. He is trying desperately to get me to step back into that caregiver role but I just can't do it anymore. I needed that separation for awhile for my own mental health and it helped me. So do I stay connected or be disconnected again? Not sure what to do...
I appreciate you all. I find kindred spirits here that truly understand.
I have reached my bottom but don't always stay there. My logical and emotional selves fight with each other often. I can't just turn the feelings off. I have gotten to a place where I just want it all to stop and want some peace. I want his problems to no longer be my problems. I just hate that I lost the fight. I wanted something different for him...something better. I know it wasn't really my fight to win or lose but as a mother you take it on anyway.
The only thing that really helped me for awhile was distance. Lots of distance...no phone connection, no talking, no text. Literally disconnecting myself from him and his problems by adding a buffer, but it seemed too cold and cruel to do that. I don't hate him but he thought I did. So I opened the door a bit with the chain on for safety because he needed that connection, but now I know some of what is happened in his life and feel terrible. My mind runs wild. My emotions go crazy. I get soft...I worry...I feel guilty..I get manipulated. He is trying desperately to get me to step back into that caregiver role but I just can't do it anymore. I needed that separation for awhile for my own mental health and it helped me. So do I stay connected or be disconnected again? Not sure what to do...
I appreciate you all. I find kindred spirits here that truly understand.
Hey Paula. . .thanks for checking in . . .I just got done praying for you and your baby, Con, Babylove,, B, Lori, Shell, NY, Somba, Mary, Bug, PB and everyone else here on this board. . .yes, this is a minute by minute battle with our emotions. . .no one can be a bad azz thick skinned warrior prince/princess 24/7/365. . .Even Superman took off his cape & went someplace to be rejuvenated from time to time.
None of this is easy. . .and all of it sucks. . .loving an addict, worry about our addicts, feeling helpless and hopeless, trying not to enable, watching them fall all by themselves, watching them kill themselves with dope, and watching them struggle with sobriety. Our instincts as parents, significant others, children, etc of addicts is to go fix things . . .to go help. . .to give limitless support. . .to love them until they can love themselves. But as loved ones of addicts we can't do any of that. This hurts. . . especially when we and Ray Charles can clearly see the "answer".
All we can do is try to live OUR lives as best we can. (Even if they weren't addicts, most of our addicts are 18+. . .they are grown. . .adults!!! They SHOULD be taking care of themselves.) All we can do is steal moments of happiness and laughter and light wherever and whenever we can. And to love & support each other. I don't have the answers. . .shoot, I probably don't even know what questions to ask . . .but I know we have a God-given, inalienable right to smile and laugh more than we cry and worry. . .a right to be happy . . .and to not worry or feel guilty .
Think back over history. Pre-Revolution America vs England. The emancipation of US Slaves. The death of apartheid in South Africa. No people said, "Hey . . I want my rights" and whoever was the ruling class said, "Awright!" The "down trodden" always had to fight to assert their rights. Guess what. . .we have to fight too!!! Of course, I'm not suggesting that we take up arms and go physically fight somebody. (No matter how much we may like.)
What I am proposing. . .as we go into 2017. . .is that each of us (addict, recovering addict, loved one of addict) commit to giving ourselves one (1) hour a day. . .just 60 minutes . . .to focus and celebrate and love wonderful, marvelous you!! No body but YOU could have gone through the shyt you have and still be standing. . .and (at least, half-way) SANE. . .no less, getting ready to welcome a New Year!!!! So. . .in 2017. . .For just 60 minutes do something not related to addiction . . . Go for a walk. Read a book. Listen to music. Watch something entertaining on TV. Take a bubble bath. Go to a basket weaving class. Have coffee with your buddies. Listen to Red Foxx, George Carlin, Kevin Heart or any other comedian. Do something silly. . .or fun . . .whatever makes your socks rock. BUT no thinking about anything but YOU and making YOU happy for 1.6% of your day. If every day is too ambitous. . .start off with once a week.
Love you guys!!!
Lynn
xoxo
PS I guess the only way to have offline conversations is via FB or some app like that, Paula. But I'd think the moderators would like to keep some control. So perhaps they can come up with a way for us to private message on this board. Hint. Hint.
None of this is easy. . .and all of it sucks. . .loving an addict, worry about our addicts, feeling helpless and hopeless, trying not to enable, watching them fall all by themselves, watching them kill themselves with dope, and watching them struggle with sobriety. Our instincts as parents, significant others, children, etc of addicts is to go fix things . . .to go help. . .to give limitless support. . .to love them until they can love themselves. But as loved ones of addicts we can't do any of that. This hurts. . . especially when we and Ray Charles can clearly see the "answer".
All we can do is try to live OUR lives as best we can. (Even if they weren't addicts, most of our addicts are 18+. . .they are grown. . .adults!!! They SHOULD be taking care of themselves.) All we can do is steal moments of happiness and laughter and light wherever and whenever we can. And to love & support each other. I don't have the answers. . .shoot, I probably don't even know what questions to ask . . .but I know we have a God-given, inalienable right to smile and laugh more than we cry and worry. . .a right to be happy . . .and to not worry or feel guilty .
Think back over history. Pre-Revolution America vs England. The emancipation of US Slaves. The death of apartheid in South Africa. No people said, "Hey . . I want my rights" and whoever was the ruling class said, "Awright!" The "down trodden" always had to fight to assert their rights. Guess what. . .we have to fight too!!! Of course, I'm not suggesting that we take up arms and go physically fight somebody. (No matter how much we may like.)
What I am proposing. . .as we go into 2017. . .is that each of us (addict, recovering addict, loved one of addict) commit to giving ourselves one (1) hour a day. . .just 60 minutes . . .to focus and celebrate and love wonderful, marvelous you!! No body but YOU could have gone through the shyt you have and still be standing. . .and (at least, half-way) SANE. . .no less, getting ready to welcome a New Year!!!! So. . .in 2017. . .For just 60 minutes do something not related to addiction . . . Go for a walk. Read a book. Listen to music. Watch something entertaining on TV. Take a bubble bath. Go to a basket weaving class. Have coffee with your buddies. Listen to Red Foxx, George Carlin, Kevin Heart or any other comedian. Do something silly. . .or fun . . .whatever makes your socks rock. BUT no thinking about anything but YOU and making YOU happy for 1.6% of your day. If every day is too ambitous. . .start off with once a week.
Love you guys!!!
Lynn
xoxo
PS I guess the only way to have offline conversations is via FB or some app like that, Paula. But I'd think the moderators would like to keep some control. So perhaps they can come up with a way for us to private message on this board. Hint. Hint.
Bugs- I think you were typing at the same time I was. LOL. Re whether to close the door and lock it OR leave it cracked with the chain on OR open the door wide open. . .I don't know what to say. . .except. . . do what is best for YOU & your sanity.
I hope opening the door with reckless abandonment is not a "real" option for you. I know I'd try other means of communication or keeping in contact first. . .before I shut the door. For example. . .If calls are too much, what about texting or FB'ing or even writing letters? But if shutting the door is the only way, I'd explain why. . .I*'d write a letter/note/email. . .this way there can be no" he said/she said/no I didn't say that" stuff. . .everything is written down for ALL to revisit at any time.
This is just my opinion.
Lynn
I hope opening the door with reckless abandonment is not a "real" option for you. I know I'd try other means of communication or keeping in contact first. . .before I shut the door. For example. . .If calls are too much, what about texting or FB'ing or even writing letters? But if shutting the door is the only way, I'd explain why. . .I*'d write a letter/note/email. . .this way there can be no" he said/she said/no I didn't say that" stuff. . .everything is written down for ALL to revisit at any time.
This is just my opinion.
Lynn
Good morning my friends
Bugs, my son also started young at 13 and his drug of choice is meth.
It does seem like the last 6 months have been better but with several
Relapse. He will be 22 in September so I'm praying he can gain control
And take his life back. Lynn is right... we have to take care of ourselves.
I know this and I will do great for awhile then I'll have a meltdown for
Half day then get back on track. Alanon helps and being on here helps.
So many good people going through this awful crap.
Lynn, you make me laugh! You should be a writer. But everything you
Say is correct. I wish we all lived in the same place so we could have are
Own meeting. Such good people.
I hope you have also taken the time to do things for yourself.
I hate it that papa is not on here. He's awesome.
Praying for Con,Lori, Shell, And everyone.
Happy New Years my friends/family
Paula
Bugs, my son also started young at 13 and his drug of choice is meth.
It does seem like the last 6 months have been better but with several
Relapse. He will be 22 in September so I'm praying he can gain control
And take his life back. Lynn is right... we have to take care of ourselves.
I know this and I will do great for awhile then I'll have a meltdown for
Half day then get back on track. Alanon helps and being on here helps.
So many good people going through this awful crap.
Lynn, you make me laugh! You should be a writer. But everything you
Say is correct. I wish we all lived in the same place so we could have are
Own meeting. Such good people.
I hope you have also taken the time to do things for yourself.
I hate it that papa is not on here. He's awesome.
Praying for Con,Lori, Shell, And everyone.
Happy New Years my friends/family
Paula
Well, we all have very similar feelings and emotions in dealing with our addicts. It is, oh so helpful ,to me to be able to write about it and talk to others on this board that have had similar experiences. Prior to this, I had no one to talk to about it, as none of my friends or family have experienced any of these issues.
Members on here have helped me so much! I have gone from "Queen of Enablers" to "Tough Love Mama" with a small and occasional "Mess--Upped Once Again Mama". I am gaining "MYSELF" back again and it feels good. Yes--I think about my son Chris a lot and I always wonder if he will ever become the "Chris" I once knew again. I have a lot of doubts that he can, because he is almost 46 and he has done this for so long. His DOC is ,as well. Cards are stacked against him ,but I have a strong faith and I believe God can perform miracles and do anything!
I ,also,talk to God for hours-- out loud. If anyone heard me or saw me, I would probably be locked up in the loony bin--lol! It is very healing for me and helps me stay focused and learn to keep "letting go". HEhas told me that HE has this and I need to quit being "Ye of so little faith"!
You guys have given me such strength and comfort and confidence to continue with my life and stop being "enabler mom". Sometimes I feel like my years of enabling Chris and trying to save him only created this monster and made it worse! I know he is the only one that can change his life choices and situations!
To all of you for 2017--I pray for peace of mind, a new outlook, and strength to make the right choices for your situation! I pray for your kids--that they will turn their lives around and beat their monster "addictions" so that they can live full and happy lives and have the relationship with their family that I know in my heart they really do desire!"
(((HUGS))) and Happy New Year--Lori
Members on here have helped me so much! I have gone from "Queen of Enablers" to "Tough Love Mama" with a small and occasional "Mess--Upped Once Again Mama". I am gaining "MYSELF" back again and it feels good. Yes--I think about my son Chris a lot and I always wonder if he will ever become the "Chris" I once knew again. I have a lot of doubts that he can, because he is almost 46 and he has done this for so long. His DOC is ,as well. Cards are stacked against him ,but I have a strong faith and I believe God can perform miracles and do anything!
I ,also,talk to God for hours-- out loud. If anyone heard me or saw me, I would probably be locked up in the loony bin--lol! It is very healing for me and helps me stay focused and learn to keep "letting go". HEhas told me that HE has this and I need to quit being "Ye of so little faith"!
You guys have given me such strength and comfort and confidence to continue with my life and stop being "enabler mom". Sometimes I feel like my years of enabling Chris and trying to save him only created this monster and made it worse! I know he is the only one that can change his life choices and situations!
To all of you for 2017--I pray for peace of mind, a new outlook, and strength to make the right choices for your situation! I pray for your kids--that they will turn their lives around and beat their monster "addictions" so that they can live full and happy lives and have the relationship with their family that I know in my heart they really do desire!"
(((HUGS))) and Happy New Year--Lori
Hi bug- I know for me, after I set the boundary of not enabling my son, I didn't know how to have a "normal conversation that didn't include mothering, smothering or managing his life. I couldn't even talk to my son on the phone because I felt like i was blowing it every time. I'd get emotional and start asking too many questions that I couldn't handle hearing the answers to anyway. What helped me was writing letters to my son. Exactly how I was feeling. I've got a notebook filled with these " letters" to him. Currently, they are for my eyes only. It helps me get my thoughts and feelings out so they're not swimming around in my head causing havoc on my mind, body and spirit. I know how it feels to be a mom in pain over an adult child's direction in life. Reaching my own bottom in all of this has been the most painful door to my own spiritual growth. Thank you all for Sharing.
You are so right about conversations feeling awkward. I never know what to say and am afraid of what he will say. That is a good idea about writing private letters but I would be afraid someone would find and read them but not understand. When there is no communication at all I am afraid something will happen to him and it will be my fault because I didn't talk to him. I don't do facebook and there is no reliable place to actually mail a letter so it's talk or text or nothing.
I did call him today just to let him know we care but was clear that we are not going to be taking care of him. I told him he has to find some way to get his own life together and that he should ask for other help...not ours. He started getting off track.. if we had done so and so then things would be different...heard that story many times before. Everything is just bad luck and nothing is his fault. Using drugs has nothing to do with anything that happens. He could do great things if only he could live with us and we bought him a car and paid all his tickets and .. We see things from different perspectives. I try to explain mine and he says he understands but he only sees what he needs.
I appreciate the comments and suggestions.
I did call him today just to let him know we care but was clear that we are not going to be taking care of him. I told him he has to find some way to get his own life together and that he should ask for other help...not ours. He started getting off track.. if we had done so and so then things would be different...heard that story many times before. Everything is just bad luck and nothing is his fault. Using drugs has nothing to do with anything that happens. He could do great things if only he could live with us and we bought him a car and paid all his tickets and .. We see things from different perspectives. I try to explain mine and he says he understands but he only sees what he needs.
I appreciate the comments and suggestions.
Buggin--
Yes, I know exactly what you mean! My Chris always blames everyone and everything for his lot in life. It is our fault, his bosses fault when he was working, an employee's fault, his gf's fault,the weather, the holidays, someone stole from him, his roommate's fault. his vehicles fault, sickness,and whatever!
He is never responsible for anything or wrong! I cannot have a conversation with him because no matter how pleasant it starts out it ends up with the "poor me" scenario and eventually how much he needs. Last time he said if only we would have bought him a travel trailer to live in he would be fine. He never thinks ahead such as what about insurance, lot or campground fees, his vehicle being too old to pull a trailer, etc. He always expects someone to support him or bail him out of any predicament he gets himself into! We can't count the money and time we have poured into this man! He even said he wanted to live at home at 45 y/o and be treated like his 15 y/o adopted disabled brother cause he lives like a king! As much as we love our son we have reached our breaking point or our bottom!
After 20 plus yrs. we said no more and of course we are the bad guys again!
Well-- this is over and no matter what the outcome--we are done with the drama, lies, and total support of this adult man!
We are going forward with our lives and taking care of us in our retirement years!
i know God will guide us and I pray he will touch our adult son and help him change his life before it is too late!
Lori
Yes, I know exactly what you mean! My Chris always blames everyone and everything for his lot in life. It is our fault, his bosses fault when he was working, an employee's fault, his gf's fault,the weather, the holidays, someone stole from him, his roommate's fault. his vehicles fault, sickness,and whatever!
He is never responsible for anything or wrong! I cannot have a conversation with him because no matter how pleasant it starts out it ends up with the "poor me" scenario and eventually how much he needs. Last time he said if only we would have bought him a travel trailer to live in he would be fine. He never thinks ahead such as what about insurance, lot or campground fees, his vehicle being too old to pull a trailer, etc. He always expects someone to support him or bail him out of any predicament he gets himself into! We can't count the money and time we have poured into this man! He even said he wanted to live at home at 45 y/o and be treated like his 15 y/o adopted disabled brother cause he lives like a king! As much as we love our son we have reached our breaking point or our bottom!
After 20 plus yrs. we said no more and of course we are the bad guys again!
Well-- this is over and no matter what the outcome--we are done with the drama, lies, and total support of this adult man!
We are going forward with our lives and taking care of us in our retirement years!
i know God will guide us and I pray he will touch our adult son and help him change his life before it is too late!
Lori
I love the idea of journaling. As you all can tell I love to write. It helps me to organize & think through the jumble of stuff floating around in my heart & mind. In fact, I find it much easier to bear my soul in writing than speaking. (Ask hubby how many letters he's gotten from me. Lol) I keep a journal on my laptop. It contains letters to my daughter, letters toGod, my unadulterated thoughts and feelings, poems, uplifting sayings. I don't write daily. I started in the Spring and have almost 60 pages. I know my private thoughts are safe. First, you need to know the password to unlock my laptop & get to Word. Then, if and when you find the document, that too is password protected. You can't open it, read it or edit it without one. Hubby does not have all of these passwords. My sister has them all. . . And she lives in Arizona. My journal is not for anyone else but me.
If you are not a computer gal, think about buying a pretty leather journal, a pen you really like and a fire proof lockbox with a combination lock. (No lock which requires a key. Even I can pick one of those.) Your thoughts will be safe in there.
OR...keep coming here!!! We understand.
Lynn
Bugs,
I had to sigh when I read what you wrote about how "things would be different if he could just live with you and you would get him a car, etc....") I wish everyone who has ever been on this site could raise their hand if they've heard those comments. It's so typical and I think it comes from the fact that they haven't gotten to the point where they've accepted that drugs put them there.
I understand how hard it is to have a relationship with your addict and not enable. For a long time, I couldn't talk to my son without almost instantly feeling rage because of the things he said. That's because I was not taking control of my own actions. I can't control what he says and does but I can control what I say and do. I made the decision to say over and over again, if I needed to, that his life is his and he is in control of his own decisions and he will reap the consequences of his actions, just like I would have to do. I think this mentality has to be worked on every day though. I've given up the thoughts in my head that things will ever go back to the way they were. There are no do-overs. My son is an addict and he will always either be an addict or an addict in recovery. It's a hard thing to let go of...that picture of being one big happy family, with no addiction issues.
I don't know if this helped you or not but I'm with Lynn, I hope you don't just stop contact with your son. I think you just need to re-evaluate your boundaries and go from there.
Hang in there. You have a bunch of friends on here who completely understand and we don't judge.
Hugs,
Michelle
I had to sigh when I read what you wrote about how "things would be different if he could just live with you and you would get him a car, etc....") I wish everyone who has ever been on this site could raise their hand if they've heard those comments. It's so typical and I think it comes from the fact that they haven't gotten to the point where they've accepted that drugs put them there.
I understand how hard it is to have a relationship with your addict and not enable. For a long time, I couldn't talk to my son without almost instantly feeling rage because of the things he said. That's because I was not taking control of my own actions. I can't control what he says and does but I can control what I say and do. I made the decision to say over and over again, if I needed to, that his life is his and he is in control of his own decisions and he will reap the consequences of his actions, just like I would have to do. I think this mentality has to be worked on every day though. I've given up the thoughts in my head that things will ever go back to the way they were. There are no do-overs. My son is an addict and he will always either be an addict or an addict in recovery. It's a hard thing to let go of...that picture of being one big happy family, with no addiction issues.
I don't know if this helped you or not but I'm with Lynn, I hope you don't just stop contact with your son. I think you just need to re-evaluate your boundaries and go from there.
Hang in there. You have a bunch of friends on here who completely understand and we don't judge.
Hugs,
Michelle
You are right. They never think about all the other stuff that comes with buying them a car etc. it sounds easy because they don't have to do it. The travel trailer idea probably wouldn't have worked for you any better than it worked for us. We actually did that for our son. We wanted to be sure he had a place to live while he got his life together. What a mistake! He was supposed to work and pay us back...signed an agreement and everything. We never got a cent. It continued to cost us money because he couldn't pay the bills. We thought it would be a win win situation...he has a place to live and we have a small income in retirement. I wouldn't even mind the lose of all that money except that he continued to need more money for this and that and things never got any better. AND he trashed the place so now it is a piece of junk worth nothing. Back to square one again. There is only so long you can keep bending over backward for them and having it be for nothing.
I print out inspiration things and things to remind myself of both good and bad. I carry them around in a folder and look at them when needed. I get soft and forgetful..need reminders sometimes. The journal idea is a good one and I will keep coming here until you all get tired of me. This forum has helped me more than anything so far.
Have any of you ever wondered if any of our adult children know each other? I know we are from all over the place but maybe some of us live in the same areas and some of them use the same drugs. Wouldn't that be terrible if they hang out together. I do wish we could have our own in person meetings but I guess we will have to settle for meeting here.
Good wishes to all...
Just talked to him and says he plans to go to rehab. Not sure if I believe it but am taking him some clothes. He only has what he is wearing. I hope it isn't BS just to see me or to get clothes.
I print out inspiration things and things to remind myself of both good and bad. I carry them around in a folder and look at them when needed. I get soft and forgetful..need reminders sometimes. The journal idea is a good one and I will keep coming here until you all get tired of me. This forum has helped me more than anything so far.
Have any of you ever wondered if any of our adult children know each other? I know we are from all over the place but maybe some of us live in the same areas and some of them use the same drugs. Wouldn't that be terrible if they hang out together. I do wish we could have our own in person meetings but I guess we will have to settle for meeting here.
Good wishes to all...
Just talked to him and says he plans to go to rehab. Not sure if I believe it but am taking him some clothes. He only has what he is wearing. I hope it isn't BS just to see me or to get clothes.
Bugs,
Yes, it would be great if we could meet together face to face. I don't know that it's a feasible idea but we probably could talk to each other for hours and hours. I doubt our kids know each other but all addicts have similar behaviors. When I first started coming here I couldn't believe the stories that I read. It was like reading my own life. I'm in southern Michigan. It seems like drugs are rampant here but as we know, it's like this over the whole country. You are doing fine and will continue to do fine. You are stronger than you think. It takes a lot of inner strength to deal with a loved one who's an addict. I feel like we need to cry when we need to and then pick ourselves up and get busy with another day.
I hope the new year brings peace for us all.
Michelle
Yes, it would be great if we could meet together face to face. I don't know that it's a feasible idea but we probably could talk to each other for hours and hours. I doubt our kids know each other but all addicts have similar behaviors. When I first started coming here I couldn't believe the stories that I read. It was like reading my own life. I'm in southern Michigan. It seems like drugs are rampant here but as we know, it's like this over the whole country. You are doing fine and will continue to do fine. You are stronger than you think. It takes a lot of inner strength to deal with a loved one who's an addict. I feel like we need to cry when we need to and then pick ourselves up and get busy with another day.
I hope the new year brings peace for us all.
Michelle
Buggs - I have been thinking of this dilemma over and over, in the past weeks. How do we, community, society, family, social services... take care of our addicted loved ones in a way that actually helps them and us. we know the goal, but how to get there. the services available are ok for a temporary amount of time, but the long run...
I think the problem is that they have to be clean for many many months before they see the benefits of being clean.. and the wrongs of how they were functioning. problem is - how to keep them clean for that long.
anyway... I agree with your post that you called him to let him know you care, but you are not going to financially support him. This is the right track.... but so hard to stay in the boundary without getting pulled in further.
I think we have to brain storm in that direction. "I'm here to guide you, but not do this for you"
just be honest. write down your boundaries. refer to your list when he asks for stuff.
pretty time consuming and emotional. once he sees you in action, he will understand and stop asking.... ??? idk
I agree with everyone else too. how many times have we heard the same stuff from our loved one. "I will pay you back". " I hate doing this too" "I need transportation" "There's no jobs here" "they dont pay enough" "cost of living is too high"
Hey - as PB once said, something like, It is not usually the family who helps to turn an addict's life around.
so , yeah, I'm with the rest of you. We want to help, but not loose ourselves, yet we know we can only do so much, and most of our efforts will not be what turns their life around.
Emotional part - Even when they dont admit it, we know they do love us and they know we love them. They can't help what they do, at this moment. We understand that more than they do. This is what keeps us attached. hope.
my son is in a good situation at the moment. but he does want to come home and get a job here, where he is comfortable, does not like being away from friends and family anymore. he seems perfectly OK, but we still worry. "he will need transportation" He says he does not want to live at home. then what's his plan? idk --- each conversation has a different plan.
actually - he got a call back for a 2nd interview for a job where he is living now w his sister. so maybe he will stay there.... it is still temporary, but if he can show us that he can save $$. that will be a good start. Then he can pay his way to come back home, etc.
my defense will be setting up those boundaries and not crossing them. HE needs to pay ME if he comes back home. I will have to be firm on this. (sorry to those who dont agree - I just refuse to stand by and watch his $$ go somewhere else when he needs to learn that he has to pay people for what he takes/has taken)
(but - tough to make that happen - have been there - in the past he has agreed to do direct deposit into a joint account so I can take what I need to pay his student loans. problem is - he lies for months dragging his feet about HR and filling out paperwork, and never does the direct deposit.)
maybe we do have to be tougher with them if they want to come home. Make it sound like a nightmare, and they dont want to come home and they figure out something else...
I think the problem is that they have to be clean for many many months before they see the benefits of being clean.. and the wrongs of how they were functioning. problem is - how to keep them clean for that long.
anyway... I agree with your post that you called him to let him know you care, but you are not going to financially support him. This is the right track.... but so hard to stay in the boundary without getting pulled in further.
I think we have to brain storm in that direction. "I'm here to guide you, but not do this for you"
just be honest. write down your boundaries. refer to your list when he asks for stuff.
pretty time consuming and emotional. once he sees you in action, he will understand and stop asking.... ??? idk
I agree with everyone else too. how many times have we heard the same stuff from our loved one. "I will pay you back". " I hate doing this too" "I need transportation" "There's no jobs here" "they dont pay enough" "cost of living is too high"
Hey - as PB once said, something like, It is not usually the family who helps to turn an addict's life around.
so , yeah, I'm with the rest of you. We want to help, but not loose ourselves, yet we know we can only do so much, and most of our efforts will not be what turns their life around.
Emotional part - Even when they dont admit it, we know they do love us and they know we love them. They can't help what they do, at this moment. We understand that more than they do. This is what keeps us attached. hope.
my son is in a good situation at the moment. but he does want to come home and get a job here, where he is comfortable, does not like being away from friends and family anymore. he seems perfectly OK, but we still worry. "he will need transportation" He says he does not want to live at home. then what's his plan? idk --- each conversation has a different plan.
actually - he got a call back for a 2nd interview for a job where he is living now w his sister. so maybe he will stay there.... it is still temporary, but if he can show us that he can save $$. that will be a good start. Then he can pay his way to come back home, etc.
my defense will be setting up those boundaries and not crossing them. HE needs to pay ME if he comes back home. I will have to be firm on this. (sorry to those who dont agree - I just refuse to stand by and watch his $$ go somewhere else when he needs to learn that he has to pay people for what he takes/has taken)
(but - tough to make that happen - have been there - in the past he has agreed to do direct deposit into a joint account so I can take what I need to pay his student loans. problem is - he lies for months dragging his feet about HR and filling out paperwork, and never does the direct deposit.)
maybe we do have to be tougher with them if they want to come home. Make it sound like a nightmare, and they dont want to come home and they figure out something else...
Michelle...Michigan is a long way from where I am so no in person meetings.
NY ... I know it is tough when we give our hard earned money and get nothing back. I hope your son at least finished college so the money went for something good. Mine didn't finish high school because he started with drugs so early. I couldn't get him to stay at the school after I dropped him off so no education to help him get a job even if he gets his life together. Nothing I could do except maybe go to classes with him and I was working. I tried everything I could think of to make him go.
I did take my son some basic clothes yesterday but didn't visit. I had already talked to him on the phone a couple of times. I wanted to see him but decided not to. I did write him a letter and later got to thinking maybe I didn't say the right things. Second guessing myself..maybe I didn't say enough or too much or not the right way. Maybe they didn't even give him the letter. I am not sure if he will go to rehab or not. He often tells me what I want to hear and this may be one of those times. I can still hope but don't think it would be good to get involved.
NY ... I know it is tough when we give our hard earned money and get nothing back. I hope your son at least finished college so the money went for something good. Mine didn't finish high school because he started with drugs so early. I couldn't get him to stay at the school after I dropped him off so no education to help him get a job even if he gets his life together. Nothing I could do except maybe go to classes with him and I was working. I tried everything I could think of to make him go.
I did take my son some basic clothes yesterday but didn't visit. I had already talked to him on the phone a couple of times. I wanted to see him but decided not to. I did write him a letter and later got to thinking maybe I didn't say the right things. Second guessing myself..maybe I didn't say enough or too much or not the right way. Maybe they didn't even give him the letter. I am not sure if he will go to rehab or not. He often tells me what I want to hear and this may be one of those times. I can still hope but don't think it would be good to get involved.
Buggin--
My son didn't go to high school (did get his GED later) and whenever we dropped him off he would just leave. We tried counseling and he wouldn't talk to the therapist. We tried private school and he was defiant and got kicked out. We tried military academy and he did well for 2 yrs., then wanted to go to a coed military academy, so we let him transfer. Six months into it he totally shut down and wouldn't come out of his room or go to class. The counselor called us and said to come get him cause it was just wasting our money!
We brought him home and tried an "Outward Bound" 3 wks. course where they stay in the woods with counselors and therapists. He ran away from them and walked 5 miles in the woods to get to a phone and call me to come get him. I refused and told him to go back. Had to beg the counselor to take him back. When he finished the course he refused to sign the parent contract they wanted him to sign and tore it up in front of us and the counselor. The counselor said "good luck with this one"!
All this was when he was 16-17 yrs. old and the rest is all downhill! He did stay on track and was supposedly clean for around 3 yrs. when he lived with this last GF. Maybe he just hid it well??? He is definitely off the tracks now and we haven't heard from him for 2 wks. since he text me he was hungry, no gas, no shower and Merry F--ing Christmas!
We have tried everything humanly possible with this 45 y/o man and nothing has ever worked! The last thing left to do is what we are doing and that is NOTHING! We are no longer giving him anything!! Don't know if he will contact us again, but I won't listen to abusive language either! If he does I will block him. I have already done that on facebook.
Hardest part is not knowing if he is dead or alive. I worry about him when he is our age--what will he live on. He will never get social security or medicare because he has never worked for very long to pay into it. He won't have any medical care or insurance and I know he will need medical help!
I know you and I have have a lot of similarities in our situations and I pray for you and your son cause he is still a lot younger than mine and his chances of turning his life around are better!
Hang in there --you are stronger than you know!
(((HUGS))) Lori
My son didn't go to high school (did get his GED later) and whenever we dropped him off he would just leave. We tried counseling and he wouldn't talk to the therapist. We tried private school and he was defiant and got kicked out. We tried military academy and he did well for 2 yrs., then wanted to go to a coed military academy, so we let him transfer. Six months into it he totally shut down and wouldn't come out of his room or go to class. The counselor called us and said to come get him cause it was just wasting our money!
We brought him home and tried an "Outward Bound" 3 wks. course where they stay in the woods with counselors and therapists. He ran away from them and walked 5 miles in the woods to get to a phone and call me to come get him. I refused and told him to go back. Had to beg the counselor to take him back. When he finished the course he refused to sign the parent contract they wanted him to sign and tore it up in front of us and the counselor. The counselor said "good luck with this one"!
All this was when he was 16-17 yrs. old and the rest is all downhill! He did stay on track and was supposedly clean for around 3 yrs. when he lived with this last GF. Maybe he just hid it well??? He is definitely off the tracks now and we haven't heard from him for 2 wks. since he text me he was hungry, no gas, no shower and Merry F--ing Christmas!
We have tried everything humanly possible with this 45 y/o man and nothing has ever worked! The last thing left to do is what we are doing and that is NOTHING! We are no longer giving him anything!! Don't know if he will contact us again, but I won't listen to abusive language either! If he does I will block him. I have already done that on facebook.
Hardest part is not knowing if he is dead or alive. I worry about him when he is our age--what will he live on. He will never get social security or medicare because he has never worked for very long to pay into it. He won't have any medical care or insurance and I know he will need medical help!
I know you and I have have a lot of similarities in our situations and I pray for you and your son cause he is still a lot younger than mine and his chances of turning his life around are better!
Hang in there --you are stronger than you know!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Thank you Lori. There are many similarities. My son also got his GED. He was a smart kid but lazy when young and defiant and uncooperative later on. At one time he was active at church and a Boy Scout, then he found drugs. He would leave school and have parties at our house while we worked. One day I came home and all the windows were open, doors unlocked, music blaring, air conditioning turned up and he was walking down the middle of the street stoned out of his mind on acid. Didn't even know where he was. He was about 15. I took him straight to a detox near us and they said they would keep him three days. Whoopee!! One day I came home from work, picked up my younger child's plastic baseball bat and ran all the kids out of our house. They were hiding in closets. I was trying to look frightening and out of my mind so they wouldn't come over again. That was the easy part because I was kind of crazy at the time. Some of those people robbed our house later on. He kept running away and near his 13th birthday he took my car without permission. It was a crazy time. I was afraid I would lose my job I kept taking off so much.
My son refused to go into the therapists office when I scheduled an appointment. He got kicked out of alternative school for bad behavior. How does that happen? I finally convinced him to go to his first rehab (it was a good one) and when they went on a field trip he just walked away.
I hope they can get Medicaid but if they keep on doing what they are doing, they may not need social security. Abusing their body and minds for years won't help them have long lives. And mine also smokes lots of cigarettes. He was off the major drugs for a few years when he was with his ex girlfriend. He traded meth for excessive alcohol but they were doing pretty well considering. It has gotten worse and worse since they broke up. The next girlfriend had the same problems he has so she didn't help things any.
I look back on all he has done and wonder how I can still see any good. Somehow mothers are blind and suffer from selective forgetfulness.
Funny thing is they both love their dogs! Friends and his animals have always meant more to him than family.
My son refused to go into the therapists office when I scheduled an appointment. He got kicked out of alternative school for bad behavior. How does that happen? I finally convinced him to go to his first rehab (it was a good one) and when they went on a field trip he just walked away.
I hope they can get Medicaid but if they keep on doing what they are doing, they may not need social security. Abusing their body and minds for years won't help them have long lives. And mine also smokes lots of cigarettes. He was off the major drugs for a few years when he was with his ex girlfriend. He traded meth for excessive alcohol but they were doing pretty well considering. It has gotten worse and worse since they broke up. The next girlfriend had the same problems he has so she didn't help things any.
I look back on all he has done and wonder how I can still see any good. Somehow mothers are blind and suffer from selective forgetfulness.
Funny thing is they both love their dogs! Friends and his animals have always meant more to him than family.
