I posted this on another thread, but I really need opinions on this and don't want it to get lost ;)
so for those of you working the steps, how did you "get" a sponsor? did you just go up to someone after a meeting? like, what wa the process for you? I get paralyzed when I get scared, and I'm scared about finding a sponsor because I don't know "the right way to do it." And I know there's no "right way" but there's a way... or like, ways people have done it. So how did you find yours?
my brother told me to get some "cojones" and just go up to someone after a meeting who said something that resonated with you. SCARY, but that's one way to do it.... balls out.
so, stories plz :)
bridget
I posted this on another thread, but I really need opinions on this and don't want it to get lost ;)
dear bridget - it's sammy here, so good that you brought this question to light as you are not alone in feelings about obtaining a sponsor.
so for those of you working the steps, how did you "get" a sponsor? did you just go up to someone after a meeting? like, what wa the process for you? I get paralyzed when I get scared, and I'm scared about finding a sponsor because I don't know "the right way to do it." And I know there's no "right way" but there's a way... or like, ways people have done it. So how did you find yours?
that paralyzation your speak of was the same thing i experienced. i later learned that this was my big fat ego getting in my spirit's way - my ego was center stage and demanding the spotlight at all times. i had no difficulty talking to anyone else, so why did i have trouble reaching for a sponsor? well...to make a long story short, i found that it had to do with me taking responsibility for my recovery and i needed a guide to help me with that. taking responbility for my recovery brought me eyeball to eyeball with my own laziness. i had reservations, the main one was the fear of being rejected. oh my, suppose i ask someone and they say no. well guess what? the first person i asked did say no and precluded me from continuing to reach out. i thought, oh dang, this person doesn't like me and how dare you not like me. it was all ego based from my point not giving any consideration that perhaps the person i asked was sponsoring others that required the time/boundaries she had set in place for herself.
my brother told me to get some "cojones" and just go up to someone after a meeting who said something that resonated with you. SCARY, but that's one way to do it.... balls out.
what i did was attend 7 - 10 meetings until i established a home group. i volunteered to read "how it works" or "the promises" because i thought well sammy, at least you have said something. by george, please don't anyone pass to me because i was so scared to open my mouth - i had no idea who i was or what i would say. i listened to what was being said by others. the majority of the meetings i attended were open discussion. this gave me the opportunity to hear a wide variety of people and where they were. finally, i heard in this one woman what i wanted (and this was on one more than one occasion). after the meeting i went to her and asked if she was willing to sponsor me. she told me yes and we off and running...an enlightenment of my spirit that i profoundly grateful for that she guided/guides me through. i have heard some people will ask the chair of a meeting to ask if there is anyone willing to sponsor a newbie, and, don't forget the meetings after the meeting. this is when a group from the formal meetings will get together after the meeting for coffee or dinner or just to talk - lot's of great things happen in meetings after the meetings.
so, stories plz :)
bridget
bridget - i hope this helps. you just keep on keeping on. it is already working for you.
hugs to you ~
sammy
dear bridget - it's sammy here, so good that you brought this question to light as you are not alone in feelings about obtaining a sponsor.
so for those of you working the steps, how did you "get" a sponsor? did you just go up to someone after a meeting? like, what wa the process for you? I get paralyzed when I get scared, and I'm scared about finding a sponsor because I don't know "the right way to do it." And I know there's no "right way" but there's a way... or like, ways people have done it. So how did you find yours?
that paralyzation your speak of was the same thing i experienced. i later learned that this was my big fat ego getting in my spirit's way - my ego was center stage and demanding the spotlight at all times. i had no difficulty talking to anyone else, so why did i have trouble reaching for a sponsor? well...to make a long story short, i found that it had to do with me taking responsibility for my recovery and i needed a guide to help me with that. taking responbility for my recovery brought me eyeball to eyeball with my own laziness. i had reservations, the main one was the fear of being rejected. oh my, suppose i ask someone and they say no. well guess what? the first person i asked did say no and precluded me from continuing to reach out. i thought, oh dang, this person doesn't like me and how dare you not like me. it was all ego based from my point not giving any consideration that perhaps the person i asked was sponsoring others that required the time/boundaries she had set in place for herself.
my brother told me to get some "cojones" and just go up to someone after a meeting who said something that resonated with you. SCARY, but that's one way to do it.... balls out.
what i did was attend 7 - 10 meetings until i established a home group. i volunteered to read "how it works" or "the promises" because i thought well sammy, at least you have said something. by george, please don't anyone pass to me because i was so scared to open my mouth - i had no idea who i was or what i would say. i listened to what was being said by others. the majority of the meetings i attended were open discussion. this gave me the opportunity to hear a wide variety of people and where they were. finally, i heard in this one woman what i wanted (and this was on one more than one occasion). after the meeting i went to her and asked if she was willing to sponsor me. she told me yes and we off and running...an enlightenment of my spirit that i profoundly grateful for that she guided/guides me through. i have heard some people will ask the chair of a meeting to ask if there is anyone willing to sponsor a newbie, and, don't forget the meetings after the meeting. this is when a group from the formal meetings will get together after the meeting for coffee or dinner or just to talk - lot's of great things happen in meetings after the meetings.
so, stories plz :)
bridget
bridget - i hope this helps. you just keep on keeping on. it is already working for you.
hugs to you ~
sammy
SP.........
well you got a answer form one of the best...........
to me Sammy is one of the most credibale and respected posters on here...
she bumped up a thread for you to and your gonna love it..........
i hope your read it all.......
Sammy has wisdom and i love, respect and admire her............
God Bless..........
thumper
well you got a answer form one of the best...........
to me Sammy is one of the most credibale and respected posters on here...
she bumped up a thread for you to and your gonna love it..........
i hope your read it all.......
Sammy has wisdom and i love, respect and admire her............
God Bless..........
thumper
My first sponsor was put into my life. I was at a halfway house and he was a speaker at a meeting we attended that day. 2 reasons I asked him. #1 we had to get a sponsor as per Our halfway house rules said we must get a sponsor by a certain time.
It turned out this speaker was a carbon copy of me. Same DOC and his story? I just related to him. I did my 4th step with him it was intense. I never used to believe in god but looking back on my years in and out of the program he was put there by God. If you go to enough meetings you will find someone who you relate to--IMO
This was in 1988--in 2001 I found myself a mess back in AA after my last rehab .
It was my first AA meeting other than the ones in rehab and I was really nervous.
I remember sitting at this meeting and my heart was racing. I was having a panic attack.
At the end of the meeting it was asked if anyone had a burning desire to speak. I stood up and said my name is Jeffrey and I am all PUCKED UP.
That's all i said and sat down, Face red tears--well we got up and held hands and said the lords prayer and for the next 30 minutes people came over to me and gave me there Phone # and words of encouragement.
I ended up picking a temp sponsor did the first 3 steps with him . He was a moron.
Soul Picnic there is a list of temp sponsors. This is another way for a newcomer to get a sponsor.
Its important to get one but there is no exact science to it.
So i kind of like your BROTHERS statement about having "CAJONES"-
You will find someone.--Just be patient and listen in the meetings. Do not be afraid to ask the worst answer you will get is NO--do not fear rejection.Just keep positive move forward and it all works out.
HAVE FAITH
Jeff
It turned out this speaker was a carbon copy of me. Same DOC and his story? I just related to him. I did my 4th step with him it was intense. I never used to believe in god but looking back on my years in and out of the program he was put there by God. If you go to enough meetings you will find someone who you relate to--IMO
This was in 1988--in 2001 I found myself a mess back in AA after my last rehab .
It was my first AA meeting other than the ones in rehab and I was really nervous.
I remember sitting at this meeting and my heart was racing. I was having a panic attack.
At the end of the meeting it was asked if anyone had a burning desire to speak. I stood up and said my name is Jeffrey and I am all PUCKED UP.
That's all i said and sat down, Face red tears--well we got up and held hands and said the lords prayer and for the next 30 minutes people came over to me and gave me there Phone # and words of encouragement.
I ended up picking a temp sponsor did the first 3 steps with him . He was a moron.
Soul Picnic there is a list of temp sponsors. This is another way for a newcomer to get a sponsor.
Its important to get one but there is no exact science to it.
So i kind of like your BROTHERS statement about having "CAJONES"-
You will find someone.--Just be patient and listen in the meetings. Do not be afraid to ask the worst answer you will get is NO--do not fear rejection.Just keep positive move forward and it all works out.
HAVE FAITH
Jeff
Hey SP
Yes you do have to ask someone generally - and it is a bit scary but the worst that can happen is they say "no" and then you ask someone else.
Remember, if someone says "no" its not a rejection of you - they have their own reasons for not wanting to sponsor at that time.
My story. I had been to meetings for about maybe 4 weeks. Then one night I met this woman I really liked. She just walked in the room and shone - she just radiated calm and peace. I liked what she had to say when she shared.
She invited me to go to an out of town meeting with her so I did. And we talked a lot on the drive. I felt like I could trust her and felt "safe" with her. After that meeting, on the drive home I asked her if she would be my sponsor and she agreed.
Basically, you just need to find someone you feel comfrotable with, someone you can trust - you are going to confide personal stuff to your sponsor so you need to feel at ease with them. And, if its not working out you can always find a different sponsor.
good luck.
Idgie
PS my sponsor turned out great - she has been a lot of support to me.
PPS best to have same sex sponsor and someone with good lenght of sobriety/clean time - mine has 9 years.
Yes you do have to ask someone generally - and it is a bit scary but the worst that can happen is they say "no" and then you ask someone else.
Remember, if someone says "no" its not a rejection of you - they have their own reasons for not wanting to sponsor at that time.
My story. I had been to meetings for about maybe 4 weeks. Then one night I met this woman I really liked. She just walked in the room and shone - she just radiated calm and peace. I liked what she had to say when she shared.
She invited me to go to an out of town meeting with her so I did. And we talked a lot on the drive. I felt like I could trust her and felt "safe" with her. After that meeting, on the drive home I asked her if she would be my sponsor and she agreed.
Basically, you just need to find someone you feel comfrotable with, someone you can trust - you are going to confide personal stuff to your sponsor so you need to feel at ease with them. And, if its not working out you can always find a different sponsor.
good luck.
Idgie
PS my sponsor turned out great - she has been a lot of support to me.
PPS best to have same sex sponsor and someone with good lenght of sobriety/clean time - mine has 9 years.
Thank you all so much --- you're definitely making this less scary for sure. I like hearing your stories. And I like hearing that some people said no, and that just was ok (maybe not at the time, but it became ok). And that is the worst thing that can happen, someone will say no (OH MY GOD NOT THAT EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!) :)
I need to learn that disappointment is ok. Being told no is not the end of the world.
It might actually just be the beginning.
THANK YOU.
I need to learn that disappointment is ok. Being told no is not the end of the world.
It might actually just be the beginning.
THANK YOU.
I answered you on your other thread Bridget. Hope it helps.
Cowgirl
Cowgirl
Hey SP:
I am not in a 12 step program right now. My situation right now is odd and without going in to it, I have been in 12 step programs in the past. I actually had about 8 years clean, but was only going to the meetings in the first year or so. I did have a sponsor, a good sponsor is important, I think. Do you have a 'home group'? Listen to different people, and when you hear someone who has recovery that you want, and says things you relate to, after the meeting, just ask. Don't have your feelings hurt if they say no, it's probably not about you. Also, who ever you do choose - remember it's not written in stone. You can change if it's not a good fit. I've even heard of people having more than one sponsor (althought, that seems too confusing to me). I think 12 step meetings are probably the best thing out there, although, not the only thing out there. I think if I had stayed in the program the whole 8 years, maybe the relapse wouldn't of happened. Or happened so badly. But I always had to do things my way - and have a real problem with being told what to do (and look at how well thats turned out heehee). I think one t hing that kept me going for so long was friends I made in meetings and continued to socalize (sp) with. I did have a good sponsor too, and tried to work the steps. Then, I met a man (thru my sponsor actually, he was her boss), got married and moved to Texas. Long story short, got divorced and eventually moved back to Ga. When I was in Texas though, I didn't have my support system. In retrospect, going to meetings there would have been a good way to build one (duh). I think that for those years I was still using the tools I had learned, but less, and less. then a series of very tragic and stressfuls events - and I went right back to what I knew would kill the pain - pain killers. After 8 years, the addiction, still there, still strong, reared it's ugly head To give up pain that we sometimes have in life - or I should say - to mask it - you lose a little bit of your soul. Even now, looking back - I don't know if I would've been able to survive - but if I had, I'd be so much stronger now. So much more alive. Keep posting, your words talk to me and inspire me.
I am not in a 12 step program right now. My situation right now is odd and without going in to it, I have been in 12 step programs in the past. I actually had about 8 years clean, but was only going to the meetings in the first year or so. I did have a sponsor, a good sponsor is important, I think. Do you have a 'home group'? Listen to different people, and when you hear someone who has recovery that you want, and says things you relate to, after the meeting, just ask. Don't have your feelings hurt if they say no, it's probably not about you. Also, who ever you do choose - remember it's not written in stone. You can change if it's not a good fit. I've even heard of people having more than one sponsor (althought, that seems too confusing to me). I think 12 step meetings are probably the best thing out there, although, not the only thing out there. I think if I had stayed in the program the whole 8 years, maybe the relapse wouldn't of happened. Or happened so badly. But I always had to do things my way - and have a real problem with being told what to do (and look at how well thats turned out heehee). I think one t hing that kept me going for so long was friends I made in meetings and continued to socalize (sp) with. I did have a good sponsor too, and tried to work the steps. Then, I met a man (thru my sponsor actually, he was her boss), got married and moved to Texas. Long story short, got divorced and eventually moved back to Ga. When I was in Texas though, I didn't have my support system. In retrospect, going to meetings there would have been a good way to build one (duh). I think that for those years I was still using the tools I had learned, but less, and less. then a series of very tragic and stressfuls events - and I went right back to what I knew would kill the pain - pain killers. After 8 years, the addiction, still there, still strong, reared it's ugly head To give up pain that we sometimes have in life - or I should say - to mask it - you lose a little bit of your soul. Even now, looking back - I don't know if I would've been able to survive - but if I had, I'd be so much stronger now. So much more alive. Keep posting, your words talk to me and inspire me.
When I got sober this time I knew I had to have a sponsor and asked a woman that I met at my first meeting. She said she had 6 years sober I think. hehe Yes, she did have 6 years off booze but was taking oxys and a few other pills I didn't need to know about. But she was my sponsor for my first 3 months of sobriety and got me thru the worst of the withdrawals. I do not suggest getting an AA sponsor that takes narcotics or benzos. Once my head began to clear I knew I needed a sponsor that was not taking my doc so back to the search I went. I asked a girl that was chairing a woman's meeting I used to go to. That lasted a month but I did learn all about her b/f and her sex life. My third sponsor lasted about a week. She said she didn't have time for sponsees. Finally, I got up enough courage to ask my present sponsor. This woman intimidated the hell out of me. I was so afraid of displeasing her. Sheesh. But one day we went on a boat with a guy I was seeing at the time and she fell in the water and from that day on I knew she was human and just another drunk like me and I wasn't afraid of her any more. Sober women used to intimidate me. I was so afraid they could see through my BS (because they could) but now I realize the reason they could see my crap is because they were just like me. Don't let anyone intimidate you. We are all just drunks or addicts trying to stay clean one day at a time. If you meet a woman or hear one at a meeting that has what you want, ask her to sponsor you. Like someone said already, if she says no don't take it personal. It's not you. And just keep trying till someone says yes. Don't overthink it. Don't look for the "perfect" sponsor. Don't look for friend. Look for someone that is willing to take you thru the steps. That's all a sponsor is supposed to do. Everything else is a bonus.
SP:
I love what Kat said. Your'e not necessarily looking for a friend (although you'll probably find one), I was intimadated by my first sponsor too. She had years, she was so together. I wanted that. I got past the intimadated part, and she did become a good friend, but she was strict on me. Not a nazi or anything, but she wasn't fooled by my double talk. I was so used to manipulating that it was kind of a shock at first. But it was exactly what I needed.
I love what Kat said. Your'e not necessarily looking for a friend (although you'll probably find one), I was intimadated by my first sponsor too. She had years, she was so together. I wanted that. I got past the intimadated part, and she did become a good friend, but she was strict on me. Not a nazi or anything, but she wasn't fooled by my double talk. I was so used to manipulating that it was kind of a shock at first. But it was exactly what I needed.
I agree with Lola...Kat said it best and when I was looking for a sponsor a few 24hrs ago, she had suggested to me to pick up a pamplet at the next AA meeting & read it...There's a pamplet regarding sponsorship, questions and answers and it helped me out a bunch...
For me, I went through a couple sponsors before my current one but each one before had a purpose and I so appreciate what I learned from them. And I also prayed on it quite a bit....
Have faith and be open, and you'll be just fine...
Take care,
Stacey
For me, I went through a couple sponsors before my current one but each one before had a purpose and I so appreciate what I learned from them. And I also prayed on it quite a bit....
Have faith and be open, and you'll be just fine...
Take care,
Stacey
Getting a sponsor doesn't require kahoona's, it requires acceptance of the fact that we can't stay clean and sober alone and someone is going to have to take our hand and guide us through the steps. We still get to make our own friends, decisions, mistakes. I went through 4 women before I realized the problem wasn't them, it was me. Then, when I, the student was ready, she, the teacher appeared. I have had the same sponsor for the last 7 years. She has helped me walk the walk, through the steps and traditions. Applying them personally to my own life. I am in recovery and always will be. Stopping drinking and then drugging were the two most important decisions I ever made and stuck by so far. I have come from the gutter into a professionally educated RN. Don't drink, go to meetings, make friends, do the steps, work the program and your life WILL get better. Good luck with your decision to actually get a sponsor and take action, do the work. Thanks for letting me share my experience, strength and hope with you. May God touch your heart as He has mine!
Hi SP,
I don't have any advice here but I wish you well in your search.
I would also like to welcome Alaskan in the South to the board. Always nice to see new blood.
Beck
I don't have any advice here but I wish you well in your search.
I would also like to welcome Alaskan in the South to the board. Always nice to see new blood.
Beck
I shadowed my first sponsor for five blocks before I worked up the nerve to approach him. I asked him, "Do you think you're ready to sponsor someone?" he answered, "Why, do you have anyone in mind?"
How does the search go, Bridgett? Did you ask someone yet? I love what the new person had to say, it's all so true...welcome to the board.
