This is my first post on this board, but I have been reading the board for a few days as I have decided that it is time to end my addiction. I have, on and off, for over a year, been taking anywhere from 0 (for a few weeks at a time) to 17 10/300 mg pills per day. It is so easy to just get pills upon pills with the internet that what started out as a simple medical solution became this addiction. And the 17 pills wouldnt even get me high! They would just keep me from being no high. I too have kids, a five year old and a two year old. I know that I will never see their senior proms, college graduations or weddings unless I stop. And by stop, I mean stop for good, not just a few weeks.
I have spent the past year rationalizing, lying, probably breaking the law, causing myself untold physical harm, and all for no real benefit. Yet my wife, kids, so-workers are all totally unaware, and I would like them to stay that way. That is why I came here looking for an outlet and support. Nobody close to me knows about my problem.
I went from 17 pills on Thursday, to 6 on Friday and Saturday to 3 Sunday and 2 today. I will taper with 1 pill for the next 4 days and then I will be done with them and I am going on vacation for a week where I will have no access to the pills or any ability to re-order. The tapering is working and I do not feel that bad, though I have been unable to focus at work, and I have been a bit of a grump. I have been taking a valium at night to help me sleep and ease the anxiety and cramps, but I dont have the same kind of problem with that and can take it medicinally. I dont take, nor do I crave, more.
Like I said, I have gone a few weeks before, and I have felt lousy. Tired, unfocused, headache (like now), moody and exhausted, yet unable to sleep. From what I have read, this is all pretty normal. So thats it.
I posed this in two places because I want to say hi and tell you all how much I respect you and appreciate what you are all going through. The support and kindness and understating found here is admirable, and I want to tank you all. But I really want to thank Briar and send some good thoughts and thanks her way because she helped me see what could have been. Her sharing that experience taught me, and I would bet many others, who read it but did not post.
JR
Hi JR-
Welcome and congratulations on your decision, and your progress to date. You're telling a familiar story. I also got caught up with the Internet thing. Over the course of 5-6 months, I went from 4 Norco 10s per day to 20-30 a day. Tapered down to 6/day then flushed the remainder 7 months ago. Like you, no one knew.... although I think the guy at Mailboxes, etc., was getting pretty suspicious. lol
Keep posting and let us know how the taper is going. My only advice at this point is cut off your sources. Send e-mails to those Ops you were ordering from, close your accounts. It was one of he best things I did, because if the refills are there, eventually it's just too tempting.....
Welcome and congratulations on your decision, and your progress to date. You're telling a familiar story. I also got caught up with the Internet thing. Over the course of 5-6 months, I went from 4 Norco 10s per day to 20-30 a day. Tapered down to 6/day then flushed the remainder 7 months ago. Like you, no one knew.... although I think the guy at Mailboxes, etc., was getting pretty suspicious. lol
Keep posting and let us know how the taper is going. My only advice at this point is cut off your sources. Send e-mails to those Ops you were ordering from, close your accounts. It was one of he best things I did, because if the refills are there, eventually it's just too tempting.....
None,
Good work flushing the pills 7 months ago! Thanks so much for the support and the ideas. None of the accounts have refills left and I am not going back to the well. In fact, I am going to close that card account and email address I used. Like you said, its just too easy to hit a link on an email and the next daythere is Fed-Ex.
Thanks again,
JR
Good work flushing the pills 7 months ago! Thanks so much for the support and the ideas. None of the accounts have refills left and I am not going back to the well. In fact, I am going to close that card account and email address I used. Like you said, its just too easy to hit a link on an email and the next daythere is Fed-Ex.
Thanks again,
JR
Jr, none is right..you have to be diligent about cutting sources...something I found very important. Also, be very proud of yourself. Also, you might not be feeling up to par for a while, but just ride that out..and be kind to yourself.
Congrats and good luck,
Kerry
Congrats and good luck,
Kerry
JR,
What a great present you are giving yourself and your family....looks like by Christmas you will be pill free.
Good Luck to you.
Tina
What a great present you are giving yourself and your family....looks like by Christmas you will be pill free.
Good Luck to you.
Tina
Hi All,
Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. Yes, I do feel pretty lousy, but I am determined to stay the course.
Thanks again!
JR
Thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot. Yes, I do feel pretty lousy, but I am determined to stay the course.
Thanks again!
JR
Hi JR
and welcome to the board. It always blesses my heart to read of someone knew about to clean. Just keep in your mind a few days discomfort could mean a life time with no quilt or shame of constantly counting pills, ordering from disfferent outlets and having to lie to your loved ones about it.
Please keep in mind that stopping is the easy bit its staying stopped that is the hardest for some. I think it is always benificial to be accountable to someone, a sponcer if you like, this helps a lot in the majority of cases. If you are only answerable to yourself then the desease whispers lies into your ears and slowly breaks you down, you need someone to talk to about that. It is very very cunning and you may rationalise alsorts of reasons for picking up again.
I wish you well and am pleased that you are here
Neon
and welcome to the board. It always blesses my heart to read of someone knew about to clean. Just keep in your mind a few days discomfort could mean a life time with no quilt or shame of constantly counting pills, ordering from disfferent outlets and having to lie to your loved ones about it.
Please keep in mind that stopping is the easy bit its staying stopped that is the hardest for some. I think it is always benificial to be accountable to someone, a sponcer if you like, this helps a lot in the majority of cases. If you are only answerable to yourself then the desease whispers lies into your ears and slowly breaks you down, you need someone to talk to about that. It is very very cunning and you may rationalise alsorts of reasons for picking up again.
I wish you well and am pleased that you are here
Neon
Dear JR Welcome to the board.I joined in november and I have had many steps forward with only a few back.Plus I made some friends who can understand all these feeling I have.If I can help in anyway please let me know...mj
Powerful........Your story sounds much like mine did in the end. I was already on the pills when I discovered the OP's. Got in very deep with that.
The best advice you've been given is to burn all your bridges. You can always get another credit card, so closing the cc acct. isn't enough.
Welcome to the world of sobriety. It's a great place to be. Congratulations on your decision to do it. It will be uncomfortable for a little while, but you'll get through that and feel much better soon.
Have a great vacation! Keep us posted on your progress!
Hi JR:
I, too, just wanted to welcome you to the board. We've all been where you are. Take it one day at a time, it does get better, I promise. Keep posting, it helps.
Rachel
I, too, just wanted to welcome you to the board. We've all been where you are. Take it one day at a time, it does get better, I promise. Keep posting, it helps.
Rachel
JR, you are doing everything right... All of your symptoms are part of the withdrawal process (I become the biggest B***H when I cut down, but, then again, if I take too many, it does the exact same thing) and will be gone eventually.
I am like you... I have never had a problem with valium or xanax, so I don't freak out about taking it when I need it. I hate the stuff - I hate being sleepy and tired and unable to function- but take about one every 3-6 months for panic attacks (I take a sleeping pill at night).
I had a friend die from liver failure from taking these pills and I do not want to end up like him. I quit before and am in the process of quitting again.... You wanting to live to see your children grow up is a powerful motivator...
Good luck
I am like you... I have never had a problem with valium or xanax, so I don't freak out about taking it when I need it. I hate the stuff - I hate being sleepy and tired and unable to function- but take about one every 3-6 months for panic attacks (I take a sleeping pill at night).
I had a friend die from liver failure from taking these pills and I do not want to end up like him. I quit before and am in the process of quitting again.... You wanting to live to see your children grow up is a powerful motivator...
Good luck
Way to go JR!!! Stay strong, stay the course as you mention. It is so worth it! Short term pain for long term gain!! Way to go! Jim
thats a wounderful and powerful thing you are doing, i for one am very proud of you as well.. i must say it for me atleast is very scary w/o the pills but it must be done, it just must! i just wanted you to know that I am proud of you and ypu are giving your family a wounderful gift, a gift of their husabad and father back , thats so awesome!! keep up the great work and we are here for ya! take care, mitzy
I have to say that your posts all mean so much to me and they have helped. A lot. I came very close to rationalizing that I tapered to fast and if I just got one more bottle, I could taper slower and feel OK, but I know that is a lie. I know that I am an addict and as such, having access will destroy me.
So, like many of you here, I will bear withdrawal. I will think of it as my body healing itself from the senseless destruction I have put it through. I just hope it does not last too much longer. But, it took over a year to get here, I guess it is well worth a few days, or weeks of my body teaching me never to do this again.
Neon, I owe you big time. It was your quote the desease whispers lies into your ears and slowly breaks you down, that stopped me from hitting the enter button when I almost ordered more pills. So if you are asked, you saved a life today. Thanks! Danielle, I know how you feel about the liver thing. That is the main reason I am stopping. The only result o this disease is stopping or dying, and I am not ready to die. And again, to everybody I didnt specifically mention, thanks so much for the support. It has helped more than you will know.
So, like many of you here, I will bear withdrawal. I will think of it as my body healing itself from the senseless destruction I have put it through. I just hope it does not last too much longer. But, it took over a year to get here, I guess it is well worth a few days, or weeks of my body teaching me never to do this again.
Neon, I owe you big time. It was your quote the desease whispers lies into your ears and slowly breaks you down, that stopped me from hitting the enter button when I almost ordered more pills. So if you are asked, you saved a life today. Thanks! Danielle, I know how you feel about the liver thing. That is the main reason I am stopping. The only result o this disease is stopping or dying, and I am not ready to die. And again, to everybody I didnt specifically mention, thanks so much for the support. It has helped more than you will know.
In one of his books, Lance Armstrong talks about when he was going through chemo and his body would hurt sooooo bad and it would hurt bad when he urinated and all the pain he was in..... And everytime it burned when he went to the bathroom or he coughed up blood or something like that, he imagined the toxins and sickness leaving his body and he WELCOMED that.
So we need to all view withdrawals like that.... It sucks to have diarrhea or throw up or sweat all night in bed, but think of it like this - it is our sickness leaving our bodies so that we can get better again.
So we need to all view withdrawals like that.... It sucks to have diarrhea or throw up or sweat all night in bed, but think of it like this - it is our sickness leaving our bodies so that we can get better again.
That's a geat way to look at it, Danielle. When I was in the early days of w/d, I drank tons of water thinking it would hasten the process. At about 10 days clean, I bought one of those cleansing system packs and took the herbal pills for about a month, just to really get all the stored-up toxins out and help restore the liver. I was also quitting smoking at the time, so I figured it would work on the nicotine too. I have no idea if it really worked, but I felt better doing it.
Danielle....you and Lance....lol.
Danielle....you and Lance....lol.
