I am almost 12 years clean from a 10 year coke addiction. I remember well the struggles I had when quitting, I was actually very fortunate though, I never went through rehab, or went to treatment of any sort for that matter. I woke up one day and walked away. I walked away from everything in my life (except my children)........my husband, my home, my job, nearly all our belongings... I had had enough. My husband died of a drug overdose 3 months later.
Now to get to my daughter... she is now 24. She has been living in KY which apparently has a huge heroin problem and she along with it. She started using about a year ago and hit rock bottom fast. And I do mean rock bottom.... she became the complete stereotype of a heroin addict....stole from family, living on the street, sold her body.... you get the picture. Having been an addict myself and an expert at tough love I have never enabled her. She reached out several times saying she was done and wanted help, so I would offer treatment, and she would decline... or she would go and check herself out as soon as detox was finished. Finally though, she went in and stayed! She received her thirty day chip Friday and is being released on Monday!!! After a lot of thought and discussion we have decided her best chance at staying clean is to come live with me and her adoptive Dad in Texas.... 900 miles from all her connections. I am scared to death!!!! For a thousand reasons I am scared to death! Can anyone give me some reassurance that moving here and completely starting over is her best chance? Everything I am seeing from her tells me that she is ready for the change, but I have read so many heroin horror stories and I have never dealt with anything but alcoholism, coke and prescription drug addiction so I don't know what really to expect.
Hi Scared, I can understand your fear but all I know of addition is my daughter who has done coke, heroin, crack and anything else for 18 yrs. I'm not going to get into my story as I bore myself silly writing it so I won't bore you! Someone will find your post that knows exactly what's going on in your life and help you. I just wanted to write you to tell you your not alone and that this whole community here will support you as best they can. I would think that most addictions are very similar. But I cant be sure as like I said I'm just the mom here. I would think you would be a great help to her having been through addition yourself. Maybe you could get her into going to meetings together etc. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. More people will come on and advise you as the day goes on. Hang in there! Take care. Mary.
I think a complete break with the familiar such as moving many miles away is not a bad idea. I would like to say though that it may or may not work. Your daughter will make new friends and there are drugs everywhere she lives. A move will of course be more successful if she wants to make a complete change and if she finishes a drug rehab program and if she goes to support meetings.
My son keeps thinking he can run away from his problem but it is inside him so he just takes it with him wherever he goes. He won't address the root cause because he lacks commitment to change. I think withdrawing and staying off heroin is a big deal. You have some kind of plan for detox etc.? Hopefully you aren't thinking moving her to your place will fix the addiction without addition work... I don't know much about heroin but she may need a doctor for others meds and follow up. There are others here that know specifically about heroin addiction.
You might benefit from a counselor yourself, especially if you don't have much support. Everyone needs someone that understands and that can help through very emotional and physically trying times in their lives. Medical insurance will pay at least part of it. There are also free support groups.
Glad you found this group. It has been helpful for many to talk to like-minded and understanding people.
My son keeps thinking he can run away from his problem but it is inside him so he just takes it with him wherever he goes. He won't address the root cause because he lacks commitment to change. I think withdrawing and staying off heroin is a big deal. You have some kind of plan for detox etc.? Hopefully you aren't thinking moving her to your place will fix the addiction without addition work... I don't know much about heroin but she may need a doctor for others meds and follow up. There are others here that know specifically about heroin addiction.
You might benefit from a counselor yourself, especially if you don't have much support. Everyone needs someone that understands and that can help through very emotional and physically trying times in their lives. Medical insurance will pay at least part of it. There are also free support groups.
Glad you found this group. It has been helpful for many to talk to like-minded and understanding people.
Hi Mary, I appreciate you responding. Your post actually made me think of an additional question I have. As I said before I never went to any sort of treatment to kick my addiction, and I know that makes me a very rare breed as most people struggle their entire lives. My question is about meetings, I know that for many people this is a very helpful part of their support system. I have some concern about my daughter attending them though. Since we are moving her here and she has never lived here before she has no connections to anyone with drug ties.... won't allowing her to go to meetings just open a door for her to immediately have connections to those people? I mean, I hear about people all the time who go to meetings and relapse so although the point of meetings is to stay clean she would be surrounded by people with local drug connections.
I know eventually she will meet people who can open that door to get drugs.... but if I take her to meetings and it opens quickly wouldn't I be enabling a relapse?
I sure hope someone can help me know some do's and dont's.
I walked away from that life 11 years, 10 months and 28 days ago and never once thought it would find a way back into my life again, I never allowed anyone on that scene to enter my life and sounds so stupid coming out of my mouth, but never even imagined that one of my children would be the one to open the door. My children are the one group of people that I could never walk away from. While my daughter was using I was still able to keep it out of my life for the most part... I kind of adopted the idea that I loved her but it would be from afar, and communicated to her the conditions of her being close to me again. I am so scared... for her and me.
I have decided that I will be findings Councelor to help me through this as I think I definitely need to make taking care of myself a priority in order to help her help herself.
Sorry for rambling.
Paige
I know eventually she will meet people who can open that door to get drugs.... but if I take her to meetings and it opens quickly wouldn't I be enabling a relapse?
I sure hope someone can help me know some do's and dont's.
I walked away from that life 11 years, 10 months and 28 days ago and never once thought it would find a way back into my life again, I never allowed anyone on that scene to enter my life and sounds so stupid coming out of my mouth, but never even imagined that one of my children would be the one to open the door. My children are the one group of people that I could never walk away from. While my daughter was using I was still able to keep it out of my life for the most part... I kind of adopted the idea that I loved her but it would be from afar, and communicated to her the conditions of her being close to me again. I am so scared... for her and me.
I have decided that I will be findings Councelor to help me through this as I think I definitely need to make taking care of myself a priority in order to help her help herself.
Sorry for rambling.
Paige
Everywhere you go...you take the monkey with you...wanting to stay clean and doing so....are two different things. ...it will always be up to her...no matter where she lives. ..it's up to you to decide if you want to watch it...or live with it. ...we're addicts for life. ...just cause your clean 10 years doesn't mean you'll stay that way...you know your not responsible for her addiction. ...or her choice of poison. ..this isn't about her...It's about you. ..and what your willing to live with...
I answer'd you on the heroin board...looks like they moved it...so I just did a repeat...
Con
I answer'd you on the heroin board...looks like they moved it...so I just did a repeat...
Con
Hi bugs... see the response I just gave to another responder.... I would really like your opinion on my comments there about meetings. My daughter has already completed treatment. She gets out Monday. She will be coming home either Tuesday the 7th or Tuesday the 21.... she has to go back to court first and we aren't sure the judge can see her on the 6th, she is technically on the docket for the 20. I pray the judge will do it tomorrow, otherwise she has to stay in jail for two weeks which is not conducive to her rehabilitation. The judge has to see proof she has completed treatment and go over the conditions of her probation one of which is that she has to live with me while on probation. They did give me an out though, if it isn't working I can contact them and they will address what needs to be her new arrangement.
Paige
Paige
Con... I have it on both boards, lol, was hoping to get a view from both families and addicts.
Thanks!
Paige
Thanks!
Paige
I see your point about the meetings. I have heard my son say people go to those meetings that have no intention of quitting. They are court ordered to go. It is a gateway. Outpatient rehab is just as bad...just a bunch of addicts but what are the alternatives? Maybe a church young adult group? I don't think your daughter will be able to just stop using heroin and take on a whole different life without some kind of transition. Maybe private therapist or group therapy with more committed people. Possibly someone else has ideas...
I too chose to walk away years ago and change some destructive things in my life. I moved and left all my friends behind but it was easier to do then. No Facebook, cell phones and you couldn't look up a persons mailing address and phone number on the Internet. You can't get lost now if you wanted to .. Have to change your name or something.
I too chose to walk away years ago and change some destructive things in my life. I moved and left all my friends behind but it was easier to do then. No Facebook, cell phones and you couldn't look up a persons mailing address and phone number on the Internet. You can't get lost now if you wanted to .. Have to change your name or something.
Bugs....
I am so glad that you can see what I am saying. I was hoping my thought process wasn't completely out of touch.
Facebook was around when I quit... or shortly after, but honestly, I didn't want to be friends with anyone that wasn't a positive force... my list of blocked people is longer then my friends list, lol
My daughter is going to go through hers as soon as she is able, she already had me block a ton of people .... I think she would be better to just shut down her old page and start over being very selective of who she lets in to her circle.
I am going to look into some local church support groups for her as well as private counseling. The company I work for has an EAP that will let her go for free!
Paige
I am so glad that you can see what I am saying. I was hoping my thought process wasn't completely out of touch.
Facebook was around when I quit... or shortly after, but honestly, I didn't want to be friends with anyone that wasn't a positive force... my list of blocked people is longer then my friends list, lol
My daughter is going to go through hers as soon as she is able, she already had me block a ton of people .... I think she would be better to just shut down her old page and start over being very selective of who she lets in to her circle.
I am going to look into some local church support groups for her as well as private counseling. The company I work for has an EAP that will let her go for free!
Paige
Hi Paige, Your daughter must know what you did worked for you. Your a good roll model. She knows she can find drugs anywhere just like you could 10 years ago. She has the same choices you had only difference is she has you who's "been there done that" even if it wasn't heroin. So have faith in yourself Paige. Don't allow her to have any excuses for failing. Remember she's your daughter and if you could get off drugs she has your success to live up. But be careful in case she may pick up on any insecurities you might have and run with them. You came this far by yourself so you must have great determination and strong willpower. Your not giving yourself credit where credit is due. Never doubt what a very strong person you are! Your not that younger version of yourself that got into drugs years ago. Your the grown up who made a new life for herself and kids. Remember that and you won't let yourself fail.Take care and God bless. Mary.
Hi Mary, you touched my heart and made me cry, but goood tears. My daughter actually told me that that she shared my story while and rehab and has drawn strength from it. She always thought that for the most part she was like her Dad ( her biological one who died from drugs, not her adoptive one who is amazing) that his genes and demons ran deeper through her and that she was destined to be just like him. She said it wasn't until she had all that she could take that it was actually me who she is like. She is hard headed, independent, stubborn and strong.... all the traits about me that she has always hated. It's the traits about me that make it impossible for me to enable her, the ones that make me an expert at tough love, and the ones that made it possible for me to get off and stay off drugs. Funny thing is, I always thought she was like her Dad but prayed that if there was anything she could take after me it would be those things that I mentioned and that she would have learned enough being around me to learn that those traits if used correctly, would be the ones to save her.
My insecurities come from people who have told me in the past that if I was able to do what I did then I must not have been an addict in the first place. Just because I was able to overcome does not mean I wasn't an addict. I don't buy into the once an addict always an addict belief.... I was an addict and now I am not... put a line of coke in front of me on my most stressful, worst day of my life and I will not do it, and would most likely have you arrested for having it. I know there are people out there who do struggle their entire lives but I do not believe that it has to be that way forever... just until they learn whatever it is that they haven't so far to make it impossible for them to go back to it.
But somehow it is weighing on me about her coming home because I have not been around anything even remotely related to drugs since I walked away. Would her coming home and trying to walk her through this cause me to have some sort of negative reaction that disproves everything I believe? If she relapses will I have to walk away from her because I don't know if I am strong enough to live through watching it? I have a thousand other questions that come to mind.... it is just frightening to me. I am going to make sure I have a Councelor for myself just in case I need it, but so far this group is really helping me to just get it out and say what's on my mind.
Thanks again Mary.
Paige
My insecurities come from people who have told me in the past that if I was able to do what I did then I must not have been an addict in the first place. Just because I was able to overcome does not mean I wasn't an addict. I don't buy into the once an addict always an addict belief.... I was an addict and now I am not... put a line of coke in front of me on my most stressful, worst day of my life and I will not do it, and would most likely have you arrested for having it. I know there are people out there who do struggle their entire lives but I do not believe that it has to be that way forever... just until they learn whatever it is that they haven't so far to make it impossible for them to go back to it.
But somehow it is weighing on me about her coming home because I have not been around anything even remotely related to drugs since I walked away. Would her coming home and trying to walk her through this cause me to have some sort of negative reaction that disproves everything I believe? If she relapses will I have to walk away from her because I don't know if I am strong enough to live through watching it? I have a thousand other questions that come to mind.... it is just frightening to me. I am going to make sure I have a Councelor for myself just in case I need it, but so far this group is really helping me to just get it out and say what's on my mind.
Thanks again Mary.
Paige
As an addict in recovery I can tell you that if your daughter truly wants to use, she will find it. Drugs are everywhere..even in church groups. I found one of my best connects from the guy who does my taxes. I'm telling you, it is everywhere!
I honestly don't think her moving 900 miles from her old life matters at all. Addicts have always tried the "geographic cure". We think moving away from our connects and our triggers at home will keep us clean. It is a fairytale to believe that. Unfortunately, wherever you go, there you are! We take ourselves with us, and that is where our addiction ls..within us..it is NOT an outside force waiting to take us down. It is an inside force. It is always there..it may be dormant at the moment and under some sort of control, but it is always there.
There may be some truth to the fact that your ability to walk away from coke was because you were not truly an addict. Not every drug user is an addict. Some can use nad walk away forever. Some can use every couple years for a day or two with no harm done. Those people are not truly addicted. I have also found that there is a HUGE difference in addiction to uppers like coke and methamphetamine and opiates. Opiates have a completely different chemical interaction with the body that makes the physical withdrawal just as painful(sometimes moreso) than the psychological withdrawal. It interferes with the bodies endorphins that play a huge role in nervous system and psychological functions. Stopping opiate use is so difficult and relapse is so common. That's why a lot of opiate addicts try MAT (medication assisted treatment). For some, myself included, it was the only thing that stopped my body and brain from screaming long enough to get to the real work of recovery.
I think getting her to a therapist would be a good idea. I don't necessarily think it will be the "cure all", but I think it is helpful to have a neutral, non judgemental sounding board. Meetings are helpful for some people. There are non 12 step groups also, if she feels that would be helpful.
Even if she is living with you, it is HER recovery and her responsibility. It is not your job to drive her to meetings. If she wants to go then she should be responsible for getting herself there. She can always call the meeting contact person...most have members more than willing to give rides to newcomers. She alone must be the captain of her own recovery.
There is a great thread on here called "what not to do". If you enter it in the search box, it will come up. As someone in recovery, I can tell you that this list is spot on!
Good luck to you and your daughter. It is a lifelong marathon, not a sprint. There will be slips and blunders along the way..they do not have to be the undoing of all the hard work. They are just a reminder for vigilance.
I honestly don't think her moving 900 miles from her old life matters at all. Addicts have always tried the "geographic cure". We think moving away from our connects and our triggers at home will keep us clean. It is a fairytale to believe that. Unfortunately, wherever you go, there you are! We take ourselves with us, and that is where our addiction ls..within us..it is NOT an outside force waiting to take us down. It is an inside force. It is always there..it may be dormant at the moment and under some sort of control, but it is always there.
There may be some truth to the fact that your ability to walk away from coke was because you were not truly an addict. Not every drug user is an addict. Some can use nad walk away forever. Some can use every couple years for a day or two with no harm done. Those people are not truly addicted. I have also found that there is a HUGE difference in addiction to uppers like coke and methamphetamine and opiates. Opiates have a completely different chemical interaction with the body that makes the physical withdrawal just as painful(sometimes moreso) than the psychological withdrawal. It interferes with the bodies endorphins that play a huge role in nervous system and psychological functions. Stopping opiate use is so difficult and relapse is so common. That's why a lot of opiate addicts try MAT (medication assisted treatment). For some, myself included, it was the only thing that stopped my body and brain from screaming long enough to get to the real work of recovery.
I think getting her to a therapist would be a good idea. I don't necessarily think it will be the "cure all", but I think it is helpful to have a neutral, non judgemental sounding board. Meetings are helpful for some people. There are non 12 step groups also, if she feels that would be helpful.
Even if she is living with you, it is HER recovery and her responsibility. It is not your job to drive her to meetings. If she wants to go then she should be responsible for getting herself there. She can always call the meeting contact person...most have members more than willing to give rides to newcomers. She alone must be the captain of her own recovery.
There is a great thread on here called "what not to do". If you enter it in the search box, it will come up. As someone in recovery, I can tell you that this list is spot on!
Good luck to you and your daughter. It is a lifelong marathon, not a sprint. There will be slips and blunders along the way..they do not have to be the undoing of all the hard work. They are just a reminder for vigilance.
lolleedee--
I love your posts! You say everything so well and it makes so much sense to me! You have really helped me stop my addiction of enabling my son!
Thanks! Lori
I love your posts! You say everything so well and it makes so much sense to me! You have really helped me stop my addiction of enabling my son!
Thanks! Lori
Paige, The only way your going to have a negative reaction is if you allow yourself to go there. Now I know you won't! Because I can tell the kind of person you are by just reading your posts. If your daughter relapses it's not your fault. Make a deal with yourself if she does go back to drugs then you'll be done and that's when you go for plan B. All you can do is do what your doing in giving her a fresh start. It's up to her if she's going to sink or swim. Remember she had to hit rock bottom to get to this point in her life. I do think her getting help would be a good thing though. I'm sure she probably has went through some trauma during her life of drugs. Also you talking to someone as well won't do you any harm. Who's to say that you beating the drug life wasn't to get you ready for this very moment. We just never know. But I have every faith in you. Good luck and take care. We're all going to be here to help you through this, you need never have to feel your alone. ((Hugs)) Mary
Hi Scared = I, too, didn't go to rehab when I got sober, instead I walked into the rooms of recovery and I haven't touch alcohol or crack since that day to now My experience with getting clean and sober was one of necessity; the need to stay alive. It was totally up to me on an hour to hour basis if I was going to reach for sobriety or back to the insanity of addiction. I'm sure if I wasn't ready to surrender to a new way of life, it would of been very easy to find drugs again...hell, the meeting halls were in the druggy part of town. It was my desire to do whatever it took to stay clean that kept me walking in the other direction and not pick up. No matter what the circumstances that came my way, I had a choice. Everybody gets that choice. So I believe if your daughter is truly ready to surrender to a new way of life, nothing will stop her. The paradox of the whole thing is that my son grew up with a clean and sober mom from age 7 months. Now he is 27 and struggling with his own demons. It has been one heart break after another...the loss of so many things. I was losing myself once again in my role as his mother. Always trying to figure it out for him, assist him, make it better for him...I became real sick all over again. Alanon meetings have helped me to get back on point with my emotional sobriety, which I lost along the road. It has helped me to learn to detach from my son's choices and behaviors, but not from him as a person. I can love him just as he is without mothering, smothering or managing his life. And that's just for today. Tomorrow is another day. I wish you and your daughter all the best.
@Lori... Awwwww shucks! Thanks so much! Anything I said that was good I am 100% sure I heard from someone else! But, that is how we learn, right?
I learn so much from you, too! Unfortunately (or fortunately!!) the learning and growth never end! Luckily we have each other for the journey!!! ((hugs))
I learn so much from you, too! Unfortunately (or fortunately!!) the learning and growth never end! Luckily we have each other for the journey!!! ((hugs))
Gertrude, You hang in there! Things will get better for you and your son. God bless! Mary
Lollidee....I have to say I enjoy your posts too! Mary
Lollidee....I have to say I enjoy your posts too! Mary
Lollidee, I had a 10 year ADDICTION to multiple drugs including opiates with coke being my preferred drug. Well actually, I was never addicted to opiates, would only use them when my dealer was out of coke as he would trade me for the various opiates my dr would prescribeme. I never really like the opiates for the exact reasons you stated... I remember doing morphine for like two weeks and my body hurt so bad I could barely stand it, my bones felt like someone was breaking them... I don't know how anyone could enjoy the high when they know that's waiting on the other side.
The only thing that makes me hopeful that my daughter will be successful is that she is not moving to run from the addiction, she is moving to run towards the one thing that SHE feels can guide or coach her through it. It was her decision to come here, and mine to let her. She knows that every decision she makes is hers to make. I can't do it for her and have never been a person to take care of all her business. As I see it, the moment that she decided to leave home and assert her adult independence was the moment that I stepped back and let her have control. I have never allowed the blame game to take place in my family, everyone knows that their actions and theirs alone bring their consequences. My purpose while she is staying here is to be her support so she doesn't have to figure all this out like I did by myself. I believe in the 12 steps but not the meetings, half the people at them are court ordered to them and don't even want to be there which is counter productive, not to mention that it also becomes the focus of the day instead of the focus being on positive actions that lead you to the life you want instead of dwelling on the life that was.
Whatever the result of my daughters road, I will be here for her....
Paige
The only thing that makes me hopeful that my daughter will be successful is that she is not moving to run from the addiction, she is moving to run towards the one thing that SHE feels can guide or coach her through it. It was her decision to come here, and mine to let her. She knows that every decision she makes is hers to make. I can't do it for her and have never been a person to take care of all her business. As I see it, the moment that she decided to leave home and assert her adult independence was the moment that I stepped back and let her have control. I have never allowed the blame game to take place in my family, everyone knows that their actions and theirs alone bring their consequences. My purpose while she is staying here is to be her support so she doesn't have to figure all this out like I did by myself. I believe in the 12 steps but not the meetings, half the people at them are court ordered to them and don't even want to be there which is counter productive, not to mention that it also becomes the focus of the day instead of the focus being on positive actions that lead you to the life you want instead of dwelling on the life that was.
Whatever the result of my daughters road, I will be here for her....
Paige
Gertruda, I am sorry that you are struggling with your son. I will keep you both in my prayers.
It's also a comfort to know someone understands the struggles that happen when you walk away with no treatment and against all odds are successful at it. I laugh sometimes at those that say that if you do that you were never addicted, I call them addiction snobs.... they think that because your struggle doesn't mirror what theirs did that somehow it just wasn't an addiction. I am sorry, but I don't understand why anyone would want to go through life Years and years after addiction and still say I am an addict. I feel like believing in that is a built in excuse.... ooops I relapsed... it's because that monkey is on my back and goes with me everywhere. Hello.... throw the dang monkey across the room... you relapsed because you chose to, it's not something that is out of your control.
Sorry for the little rant.... very stressed right now and needed to vent.
Please continue to respond to me, I want to know how your son and you are doing and value your opinion.
Praying for your family.
Paige
It's also a comfort to know someone understands the struggles that happen when you walk away with no treatment and against all odds are successful at it. I laugh sometimes at those that say that if you do that you were never addicted, I call them addiction snobs.... they think that because your struggle doesn't mirror what theirs did that somehow it just wasn't an addiction. I am sorry, but I don't understand why anyone would want to go through life Years and years after addiction and still say I am an addict. I feel like believing in that is a built in excuse.... ooops I relapsed... it's because that monkey is on my back and goes with me everywhere. Hello.... throw the dang monkey across the room... you relapsed because you chose to, it's not something that is out of your control.
Sorry for the little rant.... very stressed right now and needed to vent.
Please continue to respond to me, I want to know how your son and you are doing and value your opinion.
Praying for your family.
Paige
I think what we mean...is that some can walk away and some can't. ..degrees perhaps of addiction. ..I've seen people relapse after 20 years clean...have seen people struggle endlessly....and have seen some who have no problem kicking the monkey first try and remain clean...I'm glad you were able to get clean and remain so...for others...it's a struggle. ..I'm a heroin addict....dope monkey might be a bit different. ..like lollidee said...we wish you only well...we are just sharing from the other side...and what we've experienced...geographic cures...eh...sometimes they work...sometimes they don't. ..b/c...ya...that monkey travels with you....if it were that easy to kill...we would have all done it. ..
don't know if this might help or not...but for better or worse https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth...-hard-to-treat/
Peace
Con
don't know if this might help or not...but for better or worse https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth...-hard-to-treat/
Peace
Con
