Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Well I flushed them. Yes my husband would much rather bury his head in the sand. He really is a good guy but very emotionally distant. What do they say about marrying our fathers?
Things seem to gradually become less painful. It is my own guilt that kills me and gets me everytime. When my father sent me to re hab at 20 I was so scared. I got to a beautiful place in Boca Raton Fla. Those 28 days were the safest I have ever fely in my life. I wanted to go to a halfway house afterward and I was not as lucky there. This is the memory that hurts the most. My father dropped me off, and I was crying (I was very emotional after getting clean.) I felt I would be ok but was very sad about being in this place. Well my father left me there and then came back and said " I could not leave you here". I have not thought about that for years and now I cant seem to put it out of my mind. I was much tougher on him. I tried to get him court ordered to a re hab I dont feel guilty about that, but my father never would have left me with no place to go and knowing I did that to him just hurts so bad. I know I would feel this way when he died but I though I would be more logical about it. Well I find myself being very emotional most days I think about it. I am thinking about going to ACOA meetings but am having a hard time finding one in my area so any help, insight and support I get here I truly embrace even when I dont want to hear it. So thank you all for your love and concern.
welcome back.
well, now, you know donna i think you are taking more responsibility for your father's health and well being than you should. and you are making some big asumptions in thinking that he would respond in the way that you would have liked him to respond.
and that taking of responsibility (which is not yours) and those huge assumptions would be ok, except they are causing you a lot of undeserved and unwarranted anxiety, grief and emotional turmoil.
be that as it may, if you feel and think that you missed an opportunity or you should have done something different, then write it out, hold it in your hands, look at it real hard, study it as long as you need to -- days or weeks if necessary, bring your thinking and emotions beyond simply regret, apologize for it, confess it (out loud), then work towards letting it go -- burn the paper if necessary, as an outward sign of letting go.
if you happen to be a Catholic, as I am, bring it to confession and directly, very directly, ask for forgiveness and absolution. if not, and your religious tradition does not include anything like confession, bring it his grave and to one other human being, and confess your feelings, thinking, and actions in a very direct way. if you believe in God, God wants these thoughts and senses and emotions of guilt to be removed from your conscience. he really does. and he will do sometimes what we cannot do for ourselves, he will remove these things and heal us of these things.
please let us know how you are doing -- and don't stay away so long.
well, now, you know donna i think you are taking more responsibility for your father's health and well being than you should. and you are making some big asumptions in thinking that he would respond in the way that you would have liked him to respond.
and that taking of responsibility (which is not yours) and those huge assumptions would be ok, except they are causing you a lot of undeserved and unwarranted anxiety, grief and emotional turmoil.
be that as it may, if you feel and think that you missed an opportunity or you should have done something different, then write it out, hold it in your hands, look at it real hard, study it as long as you need to -- days or weeks if necessary, bring your thinking and emotions beyond simply regret, apologize for it, confess it (out loud), then work towards letting it go -- burn the paper if necessary, as an outward sign of letting go.
if you happen to be a Catholic, as I am, bring it to confession and directly, very directly, ask for forgiveness and absolution. if not, and your religious tradition does not include anything like confession, bring it his grave and to one other human being, and confess your feelings, thinking, and actions in a very direct way. if you believe in God, God wants these thoughts and senses and emotions of guilt to be removed from your conscience. he really does. and he will do sometimes what we cannot do for ourselves, he will remove these things and heal us of these things.
please let us know how you are doing -- and don't stay away so long.
